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How to respond to this!?

234 replies

InnisandGunn · 22/11/2019 21:56

Really good friend, one of my best friends sent me this this evening.

Back story is I have an 18 monrh DS, DSS and a partner who works away a lot. We have DSS every other weekend and up until recently I've been working 26 hours a week. Life is crazy, and I'm barely seeing friends who live down the road. This friend lives down south, with partner, no kids, both high flying jobs, family up this way but they moved further afield about a year ago. Friend comes up regularly but is quite often busy with family stuff and fairy inflexible in times she can meet. Not a problem, if we can't meet we can't meet. Life's crazy for everyone.

My problem is I want to see this friend so badly, but it's always massively inconvenient but a few times I've said yes, then had to pull out when I've realised just how much it's going to take to get there. This friend doesn't drive so I'm having to pick her up from places and drop her back sometimes up to half an hour away. Her parents place is an hour away. I work every afternoon from 12pm.

So this weekend we arranged to meet and I've had to pull out. DP has come back from a works trip that happens every year and involves early starts and stupidly late starts. I explained I was concerned it wasn't going to work but after her ignoring my messages I said I'd have to bring DS along (she doesn't seem to like me bringing DS when we meet, which is understandable). Well, I've never seen him so tired. He's been looking after drunks the last few nights and he's come in and collapsed on the sofa. We also have DSS this weekend who is 2 hours away. We leave at 7:30 to pick him up. We're concerned DSS isn't having as much fun with us recently due to being so tired and finances being tight as well as illness, timings and an array of other stuff. We're trying to pull our fingers our our arses and get back to doing what we used to so we said this weekend we'd have lots of fun.

DP is so tired I've said I'll take DS over to pick up DSS so he can have a lie in and we can get back and both be ready to have a fun filled weekend all together. I've explained this to my friend and this is the response I got.

Last time she refers to she said she told me she was there for two weeks but I honestly don't remember because when it was mentioned in passing later I was genuinely gutted. I've also offered to meet for a few drinks tomorrow night once the boys are in bed as a compromise.

I get it's frustrating and I do feel bad. But this is my best friend of 11 years. We talk regularly via SM. She's helped me through some tough times and I've listened and offered advice through hers. I love this person to bits. When I read her message I burst into tears and now I'm feeling angry.

I get it's shitty, but it came down to family or friend and family always comes first. Surely they should? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel stretched so thin and someone who's supposed to understand has dropped me, just like that. 3 months before the wedding, after discussing colours of dresses only a few days or so ago, despite her saying she's been feeling this way for a few weeks. I had other friends I wanted to ask but decided to just keep it to my absolute closest friends. Invites went out yesterday. I could have invited another close friend to the ceremony, but I can't now.

What's the point in trying to explain how I constantly feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I don't do well at work, the house is a mess, I don't see my friends, or give them enough attention when messaging and trying to stop my toddler from killing himself for the 199th time this morning. She won't understand, and it's futile trying to get her to.

So here's the message.

Hi lass, To be honest, this whole pattern of friendship isn't doing me any favours, this is the third time I've made plans to see you this year and you have bailed. I always have to have a back up plan and somewhere to stay that doesn't rely on you. I understand that you are busy with your family, but I also have a new family and my parents and in laws and friends that I have to divide my time between and I've been trying to make room for you but this doesn't feel like it's being reciprocated. I was at my parents place for 2 weeks and you didn't make time to see me then, when you could have had your pick of time. Few several weeks now I've been feeling uneasy about being your bridesmaid as although we have been good friends in the past, I do feel that that time has gone and I don't want you to feel resentment that I am in your wedding photos or part of your day when I'm no longer a part of your life. All things come to an end and I think we've reached ours. I wish you all the happiness in the world and that you have the happiest of weddings :)

If you got this far, thanks. So I guess AIBU, and how on earth should I reply?! Getting past this isn't going to happen is it?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 22/11/2019 22:31

I ditched a 'friend' in the same circumstances

Never looked back.

InnisandGunn · 22/11/2019 22:31

@TuttiCutie haha you could not be farther from the truth regarding DP. At all. Fucking 'boohoo', you've no idea. What is it with all these male hating people on here. He was sober all night both nights 😂

OP posts:
Yeahnahyeah1 · 22/11/2019 22:32

To be honest I don’t blame her at all, I am sorry OP. I think you’ve been quite unfair and this friendship has been hurtful to your friend. I admire her honesty and how she has worded it as kindly as she has.

MarthasGinYard · 22/11/2019 22:32

I actually think her message is quite honestly gutsy and polite

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2019 22:32

I think she's hurt by your rejections and annoyed she needs to find back up plans because you bail on her. Has she been supposed to e staying with you at some point and you cancelled that too as she said?

I think you're justifying your behavuour because of your life, but you need to see it from her point too.

It's a nice message, she didn't ghost you, she's done it honestly, and told the truth.

I'd just text back and say you're really sorry and sad to see the friendship end and that you also wish her happiness and hope to reconnect at some point in the futur when your life is less crazy.

TuttiCutie · 22/11/2019 22:33

You've used him as your flaky excuse then. You are not a good friend, and I admire her honesty.

InnisandGunn · 22/11/2019 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Paddy1234 · 22/11/2019 22:34

I think she has been really brave and honest and there are not too many people like that in the world.
I think she deserves more than you can give her.
Accept what she has said and reply back with thanking her for the friendship that she has given you.

Louise91417 · 22/11/2019 22:34

Calling it a day on the friendship is a bot harsh of her i bf and i have been friends for over 30years but we may go for ages not seeing each other due to both of us having family duties/kids/work. Its ok to feel pissed off and knarked in a friendship, we can all feel let down and let down our friends with no malice meant but at the end of the day true friends understand, they dont use it as a get out clause. Why text you a closure to the friendship, i think she feels you no longer fit in with her lifestyle. I would be upset to get a text like this from someone i regarded as a good friend but it seems you maybe valued the friendship more. Focus on your family and try not to dwell on thisFlowers

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2019 22:34

But also, I'm not sure what sort of reply you expected when you explained you were blowing her out for a fun filled weekend? Confused

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 22/11/2019 22:35

Is that your serious reply to @TuttiCutie? Jesus.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2019 22:36

I'd also say cancelling her again because your husband was tired was a bit shitty to be honest. As a pp said he could have managed.

You've just put her on your "only if I can be arsed" list and she knows it. She's done the right thing ending the friendship. In future you won't have to worry about seeing her, you can just focus on your husband and kids.

OlderthenYoungerNow · 22/11/2019 22:36

You work part time, have a partner and 2 kids, one of which doesn't live with you full time. I'm also confused how you think you have such a hectic life!

BumbleBeee69 · 22/11/2019 22:36

Who is looking after your needs OP.. ? your life sounds exhausting.. Flowers

InnisandGunn · 22/11/2019 22:37

Thank you to their few of you with some understanding. @worralliberty, not a fun weekend for me. A fun weekend for a 10 year old. But different. Can't see him.eniying a spa day.

OP posts:
Yeahnahyeah1 · 22/11/2019 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Ginger1982 · 22/11/2019 22:37

You sound delightful 🙄

chamenanged · 22/11/2019 22:37

What has 'looking after drunks' entailed?

woogal · 22/11/2019 22:37

Starting to see why she doesn't want to be your friend anymore.

Is that how you also speak to your friend

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 22/11/2019 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Beautiful3 · 22/11/2019 22:38

I know you're upset but I think your friend is right. There is no point continuing the friendship anymore. Maybe when she has her own children, she will realise how much they change your life. You're just both at different stages of life right now.

MarthasGinYard · 22/11/2019 22:38


She's had a lucky escape


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Interestedwoman · 22/11/2019 22:38

That;s such a shame. I would say what you want to say- that you're really sorry and hope dhe reconsiders etc.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2019 22:39

I'm also curious how your life is so hectic?

You work part time, starting at lunch time, so have mornings off, have one kid, and your step son you only see every other weekend. Is there something missing on what's causing rhe hecticness?

MegaClutterSlut · 22/11/2019 22:39

You sound flaky AF op and I don't blame her for calling time on it tbh. There's only so many times you can be blown out before enoughs enough. The reasons you give aren't a good enough excuse imo

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