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How to respond to this!?

234 replies

InnisandGunn · 22/11/2019 21:56

Really good friend, one of my best friends sent me this this evening.

Back story is I have an 18 monrh DS, DSS and a partner who works away a lot. We have DSS every other weekend and up until recently I've been working 26 hours a week. Life is crazy, and I'm barely seeing friends who live down the road. This friend lives down south, with partner, no kids, both high flying jobs, family up this way but they moved further afield about a year ago. Friend comes up regularly but is quite often busy with family stuff and fairy inflexible in times she can meet. Not a problem, if we can't meet we can't meet. Life's crazy for everyone.

My problem is I want to see this friend so badly, but it's always massively inconvenient but a few times I've said yes, then had to pull out when I've realised just how much it's going to take to get there. This friend doesn't drive so I'm having to pick her up from places and drop her back sometimes up to half an hour away. Her parents place is an hour away. I work every afternoon from 12pm.

So this weekend we arranged to meet and I've had to pull out. DP has come back from a works trip that happens every year and involves early starts and stupidly late starts. I explained I was concerned it wasn't going to work but after her ignoring my messages I said I'd have to bring DS along (she doesn't seem to like me bringing DS when we meet, which is understandable). Well, I've never seen him so tired. He's been looking after drunks the last few nights and he's come in and collapsed on the sofa. We also have DSS this weekend who is 2 hours away. We leave at 7:30 to pick him up. We're concerned DSS isn't having as much fun with us recently due to being so tired and finances being tight as well as illness, timings and an array of other stuff. We're trying to pull our fingers our our arses and get back to doing what we used to so we said this weekend we'd have lots of fun.

DP is so tired I've said I'll take DS over to pick up DSS so he can have a lie in and we can get back and both be ready to have a fun filled weekend all together. I've explained this to my friend and this is the response I got.

Last time she refers to she said she told me she was there for two weeks but I honestly don't remember because when it was mentioned in passing later I was genuinely gutted. I've also offered to meet for a few drinks tomorrow night once the boys are in bed as a compromise.

I get it's frustrating and I do feel bad. But this is my best friend of 11 years. We talk regularly via SM. She's helped me through some tough times and I've listened and offered advice through hers. I love this person to bits. When I read her message I burst into tears and now I'm feeling angry.

I get it's shitty, but it came down to family or friend and family always comes first. Surely they should? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel stretched so thin and someone who's supposed to understand has dropped me, just like that. 3 months before the wedding, after discussing colours of dresses only a few days or so ago, despite her saying she's been feeling this way for a few weeks. I had other friends I wanted to ask but decided to just keep it to my absolute closest friends. Invites went out yesterday. I could have invited another close friend to the ceremony, but I can't now.

What's the point in trying to explain how I constantly feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I don't do well at work, the house is a mess, I don't see my friends, or give them enough attention when messaging and trying to stop my toddler from killing himself for the 199th time this morning. She won't understand, and it's futile trying to get her to.

So here's the message.

Hi lass, To be honest, this whole pattern of friendship isn't doing me any favours, this is the third time I've made plans to see you this year and you have bailed. I always have to have a back up plan and somewhere to stay that doesn't rely on you. I understand that you are busy with your family, but I also have a new family and my parents and in laws and friends that I have to divide my time between and I've been trying to make room for you but this doesn't feel like it's being reciprocated. I was at my parents place for 2 weeks and you didn't make time to see me then, when you could have had your pick of time. Few several weeks now I've been feeling uneasy about being your bridesmaid as although we have been good friends in the past, I do feel that that time has gone and I don't want you to feel resentment that I am in your wedding photos or part of your day when I'm no longer a part of your life. All things come to an end and I think we've reached ours. I wish you all the happiness in the world and that you have the happiest of weddings :)

If you got this far, thanks. So I guess AIBU, and how on earth should I reply?! Getting past this isn't going to happen is it?

OP posts:
BuildBuildings · 23/11/2019 13:08

Just read op. But I wonder if your dp is doing enough at home? Because although toddlers are full on, I'd expect a parent of a toddler with no add needs to have half a day or and evening free a few time a year. This is harsh but you don't sound like you've been a good friend.
In your op you talk lots about your own life and how busy you are but not about her life.

spanglydangly · 23/11/2019 13:17

Honestly flaky friends are really hard work, especially when like she says she has to have back up plans,

If you value the friendship ring her, apologise and try to arrange a meeting that you won't pull out of.

Lolacat1234 · 23/11/2019 13:20

Hmmm. It's not like an unavoidable issue came up that meant you could no longer meet. In a nutshell from what you have posted it sounds like you said in so many words that you are all tired and want to have a fun family weekend for your DSS. So I'm not surprised she is upset as it doesn't look like you have very valid reasons and this is the 3rd time. If you are honest with yourself are you that invested in the friendship? If that's all it took for you to cancel for the 3rd time?

RowenaMud · 23/11/2019 14:09

Regarding the OP driving over to meet the (ex) friend and people saying this was an unreasonable request, could the OP explain where the friend actually lives. It reads to me that the friend lives hours away and travels by public transport ie train to get to her parent’s address where she doesn’t have a car/doesn’t drive and presumably there isn’t public transport and/or they both use the car journey as additional time to catch up?

The alternative would be the OP travels to the friend’s home which is presumably hours away and stays overnight? Imo this would be great for the OP but let’s be honest she would never make the effort! and it would never happen!

User3421090989098 · 23/11/2019 14:51

This happens when you have children and a family, it’s just life unfortunately. I’m sorry OP it’s crap but I do think she’s right.

loseyourself · 23/11/2019 15:04

OP you singled my response out twice as extra harsh maybe; her message says you have bailed on her 3 times and that isn't great. Maybe she is right though, read her message again, you just don't have time for her anymore even if you care about her. That does not make you a bad person at all. Life changes, situations change and in her eyes you are indeed a crap friend. From your perspective you just can't get the time, life is on top of you. What is missing is the meeting of perspectives. Is it worth calling her and saying it straight, don't bring your partners tiredness into it, that won't sway her, arrange one more date and stick to it if you want to keep her, but you have to be honest.

Lex234 · 23/11/2019 15:27

Why not send a gift? A montage of pics of you both and a little message "to be continued..." everyone has an element of hectic in their life but no one wants to feel unimportant.

@Alwayshangryhangry what a lovely idea

darlingsweetpea · 23/11/2019 15:33

You shouldn't arrange things when you know you're having your DSS and that your DP had been away as you already know it's hard. Therefore, I agree with the friend as she has created a slot and now through your poor planning she is left with nothing to do when there are probably other people she would like to have seen. Sorry

Episcomama · 23/11/2019 15:39

I think she's handled a difficult situation well, to be honest. And although I understand that toddlers can be tiring - you have one child and a part time job (with another child only EOW) which to me, at least, is not that demanding. As an aside - if you are regularly "too tired to speak" you might want to see your doctor, you might have something medical going on.

I can appreciate how hurt you must feel, but my sympathies are more with your friend.

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