To think I am making my colleagues uncomfortable and don't know what to do about it!

[imtooquiet]

I have quite bad social anxiety and have started a new job a month ago. The organisation is fairly large but in my office there are only 2 other people. There is a lot of calling people in other departments and speaking to senior management which although I do, makes me really uncomfortable.

As my 2 colleagues chat away together, I struggle to join in the conversation and thus I am really quiet. I mean very quiet. I find it hard to just start a random convo when it's all quiet.

I fear that they think I'm really incompetent and probably wish they could have their old colleague back whom I replaced.

They have tried to talk to me a bit but my answers are really rubbish e.g what are you doing on the weekend and I just say oh nothing exciting. They ask this every week and I honestly don't do anything apart from house cleaning, laundry and catching up with kids homwrork etc. I dread the question every bloody week!

I'm really sad that they feel uncomfortable around me and I honestly want to be more chatty and confident but I can't. I freeze and my mind goes blank and it's honestly the worst thing. I hate myself for being this way.

Just ask about them.

Another therapy that might work well for you is Somatic Experiencing, any of the things you listed up thread ( violent dad, being left out by older siblings) would respond to this simple and safe therapy.
It’s very painful to hear how hard you are on yourself, really , you are not at fault.
I’m a trauma therapist and a childhood of “ small crappy events” can leave plenty of trauma, from the social anxiety you describe through addiction and eating disorders. But it’s simple to work with, lots and lots of clients lives improve hugely in doing so.

Can you not just tell them you have social anxiety? I have social anxiety (though not as bad as you) and have often been honest with work colleagues so they know I'm not trying to be dismissive/offensive. But I'm sure they don't care that you're quiet anyway, they probably just think your reserved by personality! Don't worry too much.

Chat more about work related issues if possible as that takes away the social aspect. That should help you relax into social chit chat. I also hate meaningless small talk. Hairdressers are a nightmare for me.

What about the rest of the time? How is chatting with them just as rubbish?

They seem to want to include you, if they were asking why you didn't go to the meal out. I think you might be seeing more into things, that aren't really there (with them looking at each other). Or it could've been that whatever excuse you used, they didn't believe.

You need to keep at it, and perhaps explain to them about your anxiety, because they might think that you think you're better than them, or something. Give them a chance. And when you have your appraisal, explain to your manager about your problems, including that you are trying to overcome it and have been seeking advice and treatment.

Ohyesiam thank you. I haven't heard of this therapy before. A quick Google on the UK site shows there's no therapists in my area which is a shame. Is this something I could possibly try on my own, do you think?

‘You seem fun’ 😂

OP- this will take time and it wont happen overnight. Baby steps.
Start with very low pressure situations like you local newsagents. Go in, buy a paper and say hello to the person behind the counter. Thats it. You achieved your goal.
Next time, say hello, comment on the weather. Thats it. You achieved your goal.
Next time, say hello, comment on the weather and ask if they've been busy that day... and so on.
Jumping straight into in depth conversations about your private life is too much and it will bring on your fight or flight mode (eg physical anxiety). Start very very small- little tiny bits of conversation whilst you are waiting for a bus or in the supermarket etc

Each day try to push your comfort zone a millimetre wider. If one day you can't manage it, it's ok. Just try again the next day. But keep at it- if you do a tiny bit every day I guarantee the more comfortable you will feel and it will feel like you're making real progress. Good luck!

Things are just awful right now. I brought a box of biscuits in and they were received with thanks etc but as far as just getting on chatting with them, things are just as rubbish. - things are awful in your head, I can almost guarantee they don't think the same.

They all went out with the wider team to an Xmas meal and I obviously cancelled and they spoke about how great it was etc and why didn't I come. - because they had a great time and wanted you to be involved! That's a good thing! They are trying to encourage you to join in. It doesn't matter if you don't go, but they are making a nice effort, which means they obviously don't hate you!

We also had a Xmas meal in our work canteen together which was paid for by work and it was so awkward. I hated every minute of it. The 2 colleagues sort of look at each other whenever I say something.i feel so paranoid and like a freak. I think that's the paranoia, when you over analyse everything they do/say.

To make matters worse I will be having an appraisal in the new year and half the questions are about how I feel about fitting in with the team/ my relationship with my manager and colleagues / how well I get a long with others etc. I think she's going to rip me to shreds - If anything, they are going to say 'shes a bit quiet'. Nothing wrong with that.

OP, I really think that you have (understandably) built this up in your head. When you feel like people are talking/laughing about you, staring at you etc. 99% of the time, they aren't.

They are still making an effort to talk to you, to include you in conversations, invite you to xmas dos etc.
They don't think you are a freak. They think you are just a shy, quiet colleague.

As long as you are polite, answering the question even if it's just 'not much, cleaning' etc then they will not think anything bad of you!

Hi OP, it's OK to not be good at social interaction, plenty of people aren't. The problem is the very harsh self-judgement. I used to feel like you. Learning self-compassion and kindness is what made life much more bearable. I'm still not great at chit chat but I no longer care, my strengths are in other areas and that's OK. There are so many therapies out there. Personally DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) are what have worked for me, with a good dash of mindfulness. I'm autistic and had an abusive childhood, so a complicated combination of issues. Things can get easier

Really good advice from @beautifulstranger101 - baby steps really helps with stuff like this.

The stuff you've described from your childhood isn't "small" or insignificant - it's traumatic. It's really hard to hear how down on yourself you are. You brought in biscuits - win! You went to the team canteen meal - win! Both of those acts were brave. You dodged out on the Xmas meal out - so what. Can't win 'em all.

You're also doing really well with the job - making phone calls to senior management can be nerve wracking. If you were doing a bad job, your line manager would already have brought this up with you (you don't wait til the probationary review to address these things.)

A job I was at a few years ago, we had a morning and a midday conference call with colleagues and the dept head (so think about 4 grades above ours) and it could be very overwhelming for some. I had a colleague, same grade as me, on another site and she had social anxiety and always ducked out of doing the calls. Eventually me and other colleagues basically said "you need to just tough it out because the longer you avoid it, the more scary it will seem." So we made an arrangement that I would go into the call silently so I could hear what was being said and if she got flustered I could instant message her what to say. Like "We've allocated 5% of our resource to Dept Y as they are currently running well under target" or "We'll be reoptimising everyone's breaks and lunches to address the decrease in volume and encouraging team managers to do offline activities with their staff."

It sounds like you're handling that side of things very well! But it makes me think could you roleplay some "small talk" stuff with your DH?

I was a confident child through primary school but the dynamic at home changed pretty much with my transition to secondary and I became very shy and withdrawn. In addition I felt very different to other girls who were interested in hair and makeup and boys and weddings and celebs. Finding my "tribe" helped enormously with my confidence. I am now happy making small talk with people who aren't "my people" (and no shade on them, everyone is entitled to their own interests and outlooks!) - I've just learned to keep it very superficial, as plenty of PPs have suggested and use reflecting questions.

Also, compliment people! When you're at the checkout and the assistant hands you your change, say "Ooh I love your nails!" or whatever. Same thing when a colleague arrives wearing a different hairstyle or funky shoes. Everyone likes to be complimented on their excellent taste!

Finally, if you're still struggling with the physical symptoms of anxiety, I'd recommend downloading either Calm or Headspace onto your phone (both free for the basic version) and listening to a 5 min meditation in the morning (pref before the chaos of getting kids ready for school!) and at lunchtime in the loos/park etc. Give yourself a chance to breathe.

Best of luck OP and I really hope things improve for you in 2020. You are absolutely doing the right thing by reaching out for support - that tells me you WANT to change things.

HI Op I can sympathise as I'm very similar to you. What I do which has really helped me is I "give myself a break". I "allow" myself to be shy if that makes any sense. I don't put any pressure on myself any more. I used to be like you, so worried all the time about how I was coming across. I think getting older I just think to myself that it doesn't matter, it's "just a job" and I give myself little challenges - like start a conversation with someone new, or ask someone how they are, or ask a question back if you get the dreaded 'what are you doinga t the weekend thing' which then turns into "what did you do at the weekend" on Monday lol. Has it been a while since you worked in an office? most of the convo is so boring and repetitive lol. Give yourself a break. I was in my last job 12 years, and it was only towards the end that I was starting to actually enjoy chatting. If chatting isn't relaxing for you though, honestly don't worry. The thing is you can be quiet - it's OK. That helped me anyway.

Regarding compliments, up until about 15-20 years ago, if someone gave me a compliment, I did the usual thing of disparaging myself. "Oh this old thing, had it for ages, it's only a cheap ." etc, because I thought they couldn't possibly mean it, and were just being polite.

But one day, I had a epiphany. I'd noticed the Americans tend to accept compliments, say thanks, so I decided to give it a try.

It works! Instead of reinforcing your negative thoughts about yourself, it gives you a boost. I still remember the last compliment I got from a stranger. As I was going into a shop, an elderly gentleman was coming out, and as he held the door open, I smiled at him to say thanks, and he said to me "You have the most beautiful smile.". Now, my teeth are crooked, so I've never thought I had a nice smile, so that really made my day. I said "Oh, thank you!" and we both went on our way, but it still makes me feel good when I think about that.

So, if someone gives you a compliment, give it a try, smile and simply say "Thank you!", no need to say anything else.

I’m an introvert and shy but have experienced anxiety in some situations and know the feeling of being unable to speak and feeling so awkward. Fortunately I have enough coping strategies now (usually) and can usually deal with most social situations ok.

I also have a few friends who are similar and also live boring lives and we quite often share tips about what to say when people ask you about the weekend and holidays plans.

I think it’s best to not lie or create an interesting story but pick something specific to mention and then ask them what they are doing.

Things like

‘Dc has a party to go to’

‘I’m going to try and clean out the garage/fridge/attic’

‘I think I might go and have a look around the shops’

‘I’m going to try out a new recipe’

‘I’m going to call my friend for her birthday’

And I do agree with telling them your shy or have anxiety. Maybe even say to them that you are not the most talkative person as youre more of an introvert, but thanks for making an effort to include you in the office, you appreciate it.