To think I am making my colleagues uncomfortable and don't know what to do about it!

[imtooquiet]

I have quite bad social anxiety and have started a new job a month ago. The organisation is fairly large but in my office there are only 2 other people. There is a lot of calling people in other departments and speaking to senior management which although I do, makes me really uncomfortable.

As my 2 colleagues chat away together, I struggle to join in the conversation and thus I am really quiet. I mean very quiet. I find it hard to just start a random convo when it's all quiet.

I fear that they think I'm really incompetent and probably wish they could have their old colleague back whom I replaced.

They have tried to talk to me a bit but my answers are really rubbish e.g what are you doing on the weekend and I just say oh nothing exciting. They ask this every week and I honestly don't do anything apart from house cleaning, laundry and catching up with kids homwrork etc. I dread the question every bloody week!

I'm really sad that they feel uncomfortable around me and I honestly want to be more chatty and confident but I can't. I freeze and my mind goes blank and it's honestly the worst thing. I hate myself for being this way.

If they ask what you are doing just say ‘oh I’ve nothing planned, will just see what happens. It’s meant to stay dry, are you doing anything good?’ When they ask what you did just say ‘had a quiet one and chilled out a bit, can’t believe it’s Monday already. Did you do anything?’ I try to remember details, kids names and ages and interests so when my boss left tonight I asked him is it standing on a cold football pitch this week again for you?’ Then we had a quick conversation about how cold it was last week and I jokingly said ‘ask Santa for thermals x

Your colleagues should realize that they are at work to work. If they are chatting away, they either have very easy jobs or they aren’t focusing on their work.

Really? You think people shouldn't form friendships at work? They shouldn't chat occasionally?

OP, can you say, "Oh nothing much, how about you?" so that they get to talk? You might get some ideas for things to do at the weekend, too.

I think the trick of small talk is to flip it round to the other person.

They’re actually probably not that interested in what you’re doing but are being polite. Ask them what they’re doing...most people like talking about themselves. Try and follow up whatever they say with a comment like, “that sounds interesting” or “have you done that before”. Just try and keep it going a bit.

The more you get to know them the easier it becomes.

Plus most people would rather have a quiet colleague than someone who’s a pain in the arse so don’t assume they don’t like you.

My best ever office mate was someone who we would say “hello, how are you” in the morning, work in silence all day and then “bye, have a good evening/weekend”. At the end of the day. We worked hard and quietly the rest of the time. Was bliss.

You sound lovely

Just shy! - is what they'll be thinking.

Yes, take in some biscuits :)

It'll get better, you'll get to know them and it will be ok.

Prepare a couple of sentences in advance and then use them.

Listen out for TV programmes or other things they like and get familiar with them. Think of something to say about them.

Listen to what they are up to and make a note to ask how it went, or how their kids are etc.

You can do this. Lots of people hate small talk but learn enough to get started, and it gets easier the more you do. I would also look for an opportunity to say “Sorry, I don’t mean to be quiet, I just get really shy and tongue tied- it’s silly really” and laugh.

Have you considered medication for your anxiety?

Sometimes it can be useful to identify when it’s the anxiety speaking. So, ‘I’m making my colleagues uncomfortable’/‘they’re judging my responses’ - that’s the anxiety talking. It doesn’t make it go away but creating a distance between you and that voice may help you feel less stressed in some of the situations when you can think ‘I’m not making them feel uncomfortable really, that’s the anxiety speaking.’ As other posters have said it can really help to have a few questions up your sleeve for the predictable topics that come up a lot. When you feel yourself getting stressed about this, pause and check your breathing. If you keep your breathing steady it can reduce your heart rate and stops the anxiety peaking.

Remember you’re not alone, lots of us mask anxiety or anxious feelings and detest small talk. It’s great that you enjoy the job and I really hope it gets easier for you. Also, many people would seriously love to share an office with someone that didn’t yak all the time so you’d be a very popular work colleague!

It will get easier.
Stick it out.

Is there any programmes that they watch that you could talk about?
Are you reading anything good at the moment?
Ask them have they seen any decent films, ask them about their plans and it will be ok.

Challenge yourself to say one thing a day, ask someone a question or ask someone in another department the time. It doesnt matter if you blush, it will get easier if you keep doing it.

Dont give up, it just takes time. Give them a chance and do bring in biscuits.

I'm not suggesting you have autism but do have a look at this website which offers webinars & other resources for females with autism. People with ASD can struggle with social communication and anxiety & these webinars give good coping strategies &, insights. It might be worth logging into the webinar on anxiety to see if there's anything that would be useful to you.

The best bit about the webinar is that you don't have to interact with anybody, just log into your computer at the appointed time. The organisers don't see you and you don't need to see them.

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/services/events/?search=1&event=Webinar&region=&chp_date=

I sympathise, I was a really shy kid and bullied at school and it's a bloomin' miracle I've done some of the jobs I've done since I got older, I mean grew up.

I get exasperated with small talk too, so I ended up developing a set of topics I was happy to talk about. Chocolate was always a good one; nice places to go walking nearby; soaps and other "bread and circuses" type TV programs like Strictly or whatever was on this week; wildlife programs; places I'd like to visit; where they'd been on their hols recently. Even if you're "just" spending the weekend at home, then say you're chilling out, or you're looking forward to getting the garden ready for winter, or you're on taxi duty for the littles, or catching up on a box set, or you're going to get your Christmas shopping started or whatever. The other thing is, they don't know if what you're telling 'em is the gospel truth or not.

Talk about food, allergies, sustainability, veganism - even if you're not a vegan, trying to find alternative recipes that don't use masses of butter or palm oil but are still tasty is always good for a conversation or two.

Not everyone is a raving extrovert, after all. It's just unfortunately in most of the overpopulated west we live in a world that's built primarily for them. And besides, if we only had extroverts, who'd listen to them droning on all day?

In those kind of situations I tend to concentrate on listening, smiling and nodding a lot. Oh, and I'm pretty sure you got the job because you were the best candidate and know what you're doing!

You’ve got some great advice here Op.
What your colleagues are doing is just general chitchat.
They’re not really that interested in your answers - it’s just a bland conversation starter.
One day a week I finish work early and colleagues always ask what I’m doing with my afternoon. My response is usually the same - ‘I’m doing the washing’.
It’s just chatter.
Next time they ask, answer ‘Not much, what are you doing?’ Then let them do all the talking.
You’ll get better with practice, but don’t think that your answers have to be interesting or exciting.

Make shit up. I suffer from social anxiety, terrible shyness. I hate small talk and well, being around people, so I make 'em laugh. This is how it would go with me;

Them; "What are you doing this week-end"?

Me; "Graffiti. To me it's art, but the coppers told me its vandalism".

Them; "What! Really"?

Me; "No not really, but I thought it sounded more exciting then telling you I'm cleaning my filthy oven and picking dog shit up off the lawn".

Them; "Hahaha"

My dad used to tell the people he worked with about his garden gnomes and the shit they got up to in the night.

Shy people just take a lot longer to feel at home in new places. You’ve only been there a month, that’s nothing. If you just stick it out you will find in a few months that you feel much more relaxed and at home with people. You may never be a big talker and socialite, and that’s fine.

A lad in work (who has anxiety) once told me that he looks to see who he’s working with and then thinks about subjects that he can talk about with them. So he may talk about films or tv, or politics or local points of interest. It makes him feel more comfortable and relaxed if he has a topic that he can join in on.

The trick is asking questions and looking interested in the answers. Most people like to talk about themselves, so it keeps the conversation going.

Your colleagues should realize that they are at work to work

Urgh you sound like my boss

You are lucky that you are in Strictly / Apprentice / I'm a Celeb time.... easy conversation topics!

Or Flirty Dancing (why does this not get more attention?!?)

Oh quiet I could have written this a few years ago. A couple of things jumped out at me.

You’re very, very hard on yourself. You’re analysing everything to the nth degree when honestly, most people don’t give anything more than a second or twos thought. They won’t think you’re stuck up - at most they’ll probably think ‘she’s quiet’ and then go back to obsessing about their weight / work / crush / whatever.

Secondly, you’re focusing inwards when you do talk. Can you shift your mental focus outwards, so that instead of thinking ‘oh god, that was a stupid thing to say’ you’re thinking ‘oh, Mandy has freckles’ or ‘I never knew she did horse riding at the weekend’?

for you. Just keep plugging away. Social anxiety is a bitch but you can get better (from experience!)

The trick is asking questions and looking interested in the answers. Most people like to talk about themselves, so it keeps the conversation going.

That, in spades.
tbh, OP, you're the same as most folk, just expresses itself differently. Most people just want to talk about themselves, given half a chance. You are compulsively thinking about yourself. It's all attention grabbing stuff by the ego, however it manifests.

Asking about your weekend is just chitchat, it's inviting you to join in however much you like. They aren't looking to have a go. Today I've gabbed (to anyone who dare ask) about plans to clean my bathroom floor.

hey hey hey.firstly stop being so down on yourself.if they dont understand then thats hard.but it doesnt make you any lesser than.and nor does it mean "how did you got the job" you got it which means you eserve it ok! keep telling yourself that
youve got a really horrid illness.its crippling and for many/most it stops them from ever getting a job.you having teh strength to get out there to your office everyday makes you a superstar im sure to many who know your struggle.
could you practice things to say at home.
so if they ask what your up to. "im not sure.nothign exciting.ive got a good box set i want to watch.
oh god this weekend i have to dedicate to get some housework done
i might try getting out if the weather is ok.
and always ask them back.
then listen
and go from there.
if they mention they are up to something.look interested and ask about it.
if they say movies-which? then-oh do you like horror-looking forward to chrismtas movies or tv
find threads in what they say and draw from it.if presents or chrismtas comes up ask if they have plans.what they want.who they will be seeing.what foods looking forward to eating.
if your doing supermakret shop tell them about all thexmas food your tempted with.etc.then what favourite choc.beer.
half the problem is that choking feeling you get and thinking you dont have anything improtant or interesting to say or you jsut cant.but people dont chat about anything.most conversation are utter dribble.
i know it sound silly but watch things like the soaps.watch how they interact.and jut babble about random crap.

oh and every time you bring yourself up short thinking your embarrassed by what you have said or done or thought i can gaurentee noone else has probably even noticed.with axiety you analyze everything to the tiniest degree when most people have let that bypass them without even noticing it ever being a thought.

Have some answers prepared:

The Weekend: be honest, make a joke of it then bounce it back to them. Think of any funny stories about your kids. Takeaways, meals out, dinner ideas. All would work.

The weather. Honestly it's the most talked about subject in my office. We love it!

I wouldn't mind sitting next to you, my next door colleague doesn't stop talking, I hate it!

Oh OP I so feel for you. I too have been plagued with social anxiety in the past. It's so awful! I'm known as the chatty/witty person in my family but I would become practically mute when meeting new people/pushed out of my comfort zone.

What strikes me is your level of self-deprecation. Your self-loathing really comes through on your posts. You're not very kind to yourself and I'd hazard a guess that there-in lies the root of your problem.

What worked for me is building up my confidence in other areas of my life and changing the internal monologue. If I became tongue tied I would be so embarrassed and would be thinking "I'm such an idiot/ fucking say something you pleb" etc. etc. but now I speak to myself like I would speak to a friend in this situation "don't worry it's not the end of the world/you'll think of something next time" and generally eased up on myself.

I went back to uni and trained for a job I always wanted to do but never felt I could. It's given me masses of confidence and because I'm so passionate about the job I find it really easy to talk about and it's the type of job people are interested in asking questions about so it's really helped when I'm stuck for conversation. I know that might not be an option for ou, but perhaps you could take up a hobby/sport/online course in something you think you'd love/get a sense of mastery from and not only would it help your confidence it would give you something to chat about?

Overall I think you really need to become nicer to yourself. You sound like a lovely person so you deserve to have lovely thoughts about yourself too

Can you practice talking to your colleagues by role playing with your DH or a friend? Or write down some answers and practice saying them on your own? Like an actor learning lines?