To think I am making my colleagues uncomfortable and don't know what to do about it!

[imtooquiet]

I have quite bad social anxiety and have started a new job a month ago. The organisation is fairly large but in my office there are only 2 other people. There is a lot of calling people in other departments and speaking to senior management which although I do, makes me really uncomfortable.

As my 2 colleagues chat away together, I struggle to join in the conversation and thus I am really quiet. I mean very quiet. I find it hard to just start a random convo when it's all quiet.

I fear that they think I'm really incompetent and probably wish they could have their old colleague back whom I replaced.

They have tried to talk to me a bit but my answers are really rubbish e.g what are you doing on the weekend and I just say oh nothing exciting. They ask this every week and I honestly don't do anything apart from house cleaning, laundry and catching up with kids homwrork etc. I dread the question every bloody week!

I'm really sad that they feel uncomfortable around me and I honestly want to be more chatty and confident but I can't. I freeze and my mind goes blank and it's honestly the worst thing. I hate myself for being this way.

Cross posted!

Don't be ashamed! Don't be embarrassed! You are not describing anything to be ashamed of!

What you are doing is adding the burden of a secret onto of your anxiety.

Yarboosucks yes they are nice. I don't think I'll be friends with them outside of work but they are nice people and like them.

Taking in some biscuits or something is a really good idea. They might not think I'm such a stuck up cow.

At my old work a lovely person joined us who sounds just like you. She had been upfront about her anxiety though (she used to take herbal things and specific tea for it while at work with us so it came up that way).

Once we knew why she was so quiet it flipped our whole perception of her: previously she’d come across disinterested, stand offish and perhaps like she was even quietly judging (taking it all in then talking about us at home). Once we knew we were able to accept the quiet for what it was, and her for who she was, and we all settled down as co workers/friends and rubbed together well.

She was also really good at asking questions about me/us every now and then and I appreciate the effort it cost her to do so.

Once you figure out that people are usually asking the questions that they want to be asked it gets much easier. Most people love being listened to, so if you give a brief answer and then go "what about you?" people will love it.

That's kind of the deal with the people you get on with at work. I'll listen to your humdrum if you listen to mine. It's how many friendships are forged.

You don't need to be friends outside work, but having the support of colleagues helps everyone. Don't go overboard, but equally do not underestimate the power of a choccie hobnob or a mince pie to break the ice!

Ask them about themselves - so on Monday, ask ‘did you have a nice weekend’, and maybe say something banal about the weather? It’s going to be horrid this weekend - rain, rain and more rain.

Don't panic OP, it's small talk, you can learn. I did, i used to be terrible socially, now I can be quite relaxed about it. Think about & practice a response like "probably the usual weekend stuff with the kids, the park etc. How about you?" This bounces it back to them & people love talking about themselves. Ask after their kids etc. Ask how was there weekend. Compliment an outfit or hairstyle. Ask who wants a cuppa while I'm in the kitchen etc. It gets easier. And watch how more sociable colleagues or friends interact & their subject topics. Don't put yourself down, it's a skill a lot of people never learned.

TV is good too - there are a couple of good ‘office water cooler’ series on atm - eg his dark materials on Sunday evening - and The Crown series three. Great for a bit of ice breaking small talk (and also vg in their own right imho).

You do not need to have great soul-baring conversations. Smiling, saying hello, offering to help someone, offering to make tea/coffee... Small steps, small gestures.

Are you on any medication, OP?

Could you practice any answers out loud so that they flow more easily? Or try and do one thing at the weekend that you can talk about e.g. nothing much, just took the kids to wherever/caught up with housework/watched tv/had a much needed lie in and then ask them what they did. It's easier if you've got something prepared.

I'm so sorry you're so anxious.

Hi OP, I’m an introvert and consider myself quiet. It takes me a long time to become comfortable around new people.

As a previous poster suggested, it’s easier to ask someone about themselves than it is to talk about you. I do this all the time as I hate taking about myself. People think you’re an amazing conversationalist when all you do is ask questions and pay attention to their answers.

I’m sure you’re new colleagues will just be trying to put you at ease and make you feel included. I try to do this with work experience people that come to us. The latest girl was into horses. So rather than an awkward silence, I asked her about it when we were on our own.

So have you always had horses? Oh really? How many do you keep? Do you ride them every day? Must mean you have to get up early, I bet you have to go to bed early most nights? Do you ride out on the road or have you got a school? Do you do shows? Etc etc etc. The more you do it the easier it becomes.

You could also try being honest with how you feel. So when someone asks your what you’re upto at the weekend for example I might say “oh no a lot really, same old! I feel like my life isn’t all that exciting really. I’m a bit of a homebody. What about you?”. Even if you don’t care. I couldn’t give a toss what people are upto at the weekend personally, but I usually ask anyway.

I think you will relax more as time goes by and you’re used to being around new colleagues more.

I could have written your post. And all of your replies. Like you I feel like my inability to make small talk or engage in ‘interesting’ conversation is just part of who I am.

I wish I could have a relaxed conversation with my colleagues that flows naturally instead of filling my head with notions like ‘I bet I’ve gone bright red’ or ‘that sentence didn’t make any sense’.

I also wonder how on earth I got my job as it’s part ‘customer’ facing and they must have had better more confident applicants!

Anyhoo that won’t make you feel any better but you are not alone. Bringing in homemade cakes is always very appreciated..

' I honestly don't mean to be rude and would be devastated if that's what they think I am but it would be my fault if they did.'

It's not your fault xxxxx

'I honestly don't know how I got the job. They must have had some bad candidates to have picked me.'

Awww, I'm sure you have loads of qualities.

If it's stuff from your chilhood that's contributed to it, you might find EMDR helpful, it's to process trauma of any kind.

Have you tried medication at all? If you've tried one thing, go back and explain how you're still feeling. There are dozens of things they can try- don't give up going back and trying stuff. x

The PP's idea of cake and explaining that you're shy sounds like a good one.

Itcan take a long time to relax a bit around a new person, but you'll get there in the end. x

One thing I've thought recently, is that my social incompetence (it's not even just anxiety with me, I have ADHD with autistic features, so I can say the wrong thing etc) is if I manage just a few sentences of conversation ok, I'm really pleased with myself. Most other people probably take it for granted, and don't get that massive sense of achievement! It comes naturally to me for some reason, but you can try that- every time you manage even a little bit of conversation, give yourself a big pat on the back.

I'm the same with the 'nothing interesting' lol but what is there to say? I suppose you could say housework etc, stuff with the kids.

Maybe just focus on your work mostly, then you can distract yourself from the social situation. It will get better with time. Hugs xxxxx

Me too.

You sound really lovely. I think I'd like to work in your office because you're worried about the other people feeling uncomfortable.

Some of the advice on here is great: always ask back, smile and look interested in the answer, use that info to ask a question next time and always do a coffee run/ bring biscuits. Goodwill is easily bought with attention and grub

What about....
Bringing in some cakes and then sending a short email around saying “cakes in kitchen, help yourself.

From the newbie who might seem a bit standoffish sometimes it’s just down to my anxiety.

Enjoy the cakes!”

The key to small talk with people is "give a little, take a little".

There is no level of "mundane and not interesting" when it comes to small talk, if all youve done at the weekend is cleaning or watching tv, then say so!
"Nothing exciting, caught up on some tv."
Thats the give.

"How about you"
Thats the take.

Often if you give people an opening to talk about themselves then they will.

Wait for a bizarre thing to happen, however small. Then tell them the story. Like, "A baby was staring at me in the coffee shop this morning; I never know what to do when that happens!"

All the supermarkets are doing deals on the tubs of sweets, like Roses, Heroes, Quality Street etc, so get a tub and take it in on Monday, and say "Thought I'd bring this in for us to share. Did you have a good weekend, do anything interesting?"

I know it's hard, I was very shy, and even now, if I can't find something in a shop, I don't ask an assistant if they have any, even though I worked in retail and had to spend all my shifts talking to customers! It's silly, but old habits die hard I guess!

But, as pps have said, people usually like talking about themselves, so once you've broken the ice with the first question, they'll do most of the talking, and you might find something they mention leads you to asking them about that, and so on.

If someone says they go to book group, when you've asked about their weekend, you can ask where it is, and what books they've read. Then you can ask about a particular book they mention, and whether they enjoyed it, and perhaps mention the types of books you like reading.

The important thing is to show that you're interested in them.

Would medication help with the physical side of your anxiety? It's really not healthy to be so anxious all the time, and you'll make yourself ill eventually.

All of this - going over conversations in your head and finding fault with your answers to questions, feeling like they must have hired you because the others were crap, feeling that nobody likes you, feeling that they're going to let you go - it's all part of your anxiety.

How would you react if you had someone like you sitting next to you? Would you think 'stuck up cow'? I wouldn't. I'd probably think 'I love sitting next to X as she's so quiet I can actually get on with my work'. Or 'X is a quiet person'. Or even - because I too am anxious - 'I bet X thinks that I'm crap at my job as I'm always chatting - not like her, she's so professional and just gets on with things'.

Take biscuits. Biscuits build bridges. And also don't be afraid to be authentic. NOT by emailing them to tell them all about your anxiety (dear God no!) but if they ask you what you're up to and you don't have much planned say 'Oh I feel so boring saying this but honestly I'll probably spend the weekend running after the kids/doing chores/watching TV'. Or prepare some answers in advance - it can be something as simple as 'I can't WAIT to watch Gogglebox tonight - it's such a stupid show but it makes me laugh!' or 'I'm doing a big shop this weekend - thank you, payday!' Just be real with them. They are not more interesting or competent than you.

Your colleagues should realize that they are at work to work. If they are chatting away, they either have very easy jobs or they aren’t focusing on their work.

Oh don’t be so silly. I’ve worked as a nurse in intensive care, A&E, operating theatres. We all managed to keep people alive while maintaining some social interaction with our colleagues.

* Wait for a bizarre thing to happen, however small. Then tell them the story. Like, "A baby was staring at me in the coffee shop this morning; I never know what to do when that happens!"*

Please don’t do this. Quality not quantity! And certainly not bizarre stories “however small”!

They have tried to talk to me a bit but my answers are really rubbish e.g what are you doing on the weekend and I just say oh nothing exciting. They ask this every week and I honestly don't do anything apart from house cleaning, laundry and catching up with kids homwrork etc. I dread the question every bloody week!

You‘re not actually required to tell them the truth.
Think about the question in advance and then tell them whatever you came up with...

Its very important in life that you are yourself. I think you are selling yourself and you colleagues short. Being good at your job is the best way to sort this - your colleagues will value your contribution and they won't give two hoots you don't spend time chatting. Most mature adults accept there are different personalities in offices. My husband's accountant has very significant aspergers and struggles to have work conversations let alone social conversation. But best bloody accountant he has ever had and he is valued for his skills not his ability to make social chit chat.