To think I am making my colleagues uncomfortable and don't know what to do about it!

[imtooquiet]

I have quite bad social anxiety and have started a new job a month ago. The organisation is fairly large but in my office there are only 2 other people. There is a lot of calling people in other departments and speaking to senior management which although I do, makes me really uncomfortable.

As my 2 colleagues chat away together, I struggle to join in the conversation and thus I am really quiet. I mean very quiet. I find it hard to just start a random convo when it's all quiet.

I fear that they think I'm really incompetent and probably wish they could have their old colleague back whom I replaced.

They have tried to talk to me a bit but my answers are really rubbish e.g what are you doing on the weekend and I just say oh nothing exciting. They ask this every week and I honestly don't do anything apart from house cleaning, laundry and catching up with kids homwrork etc. I dread the question every bloody week!

I'm really sad that they feel uncomfortable around me and I honestly want to be more chatty and confident but I can't. I freeze and my mind goes blank and it's honestly the worst thing. I hate myself for being this way.

Small talk is a bit like tennis someone asks you a question, you answer then you bat the question back and ask the other person what they are doing.

I would be honest with them when they ask tell them just house cleaning, laundry and catching up with kids homework then ask them if they have plans.

Sometimes people just want to break the ice.

I feel so embarrassed that I don't have such basic and vital social skills. Remember it's a skill. It's not a character defect, it's just that you haven't yet had the opportunity to learn the skill. Some families are really good at it, and so their children learn early. It doesn't make them morally superior to you. You've been learning other things; now you can learning small talk - you will be able to do it.

You say "I honestly don't know how I got the job." but then you say "The job is super easy and no stress at all" - that's why they picked you. Because your skill set is such that you find the job super easy. It's easy for you, it wouldn't be easy for everyone. Give yourself due credit.

One thing I find helps is not only to ask people what they are doing but also to remember if they say anything interesting and follow up.

So if they say they are trying out Chez Mumsnet the new bistro on the High Street on Sat. On Monday you can ask them how was their meal. It shows you listen and you are interested in them.

Breathe. Chit chat is a skill and I honestly hate it sometimes, especially when I think ‘do you really care how my weekend was, random IT man?’ - but you get better at it.

In terms of therapy, especially deep rooted stuff, a different technique might help. EMDR saved me from a decade of anxiety and low self worth. I can not recommend it enough!

Hugs OP. Stick it out if you can bear it, just give yourself one goal of the day, whether it’s asking Bill how his trip to the cinema was or remembering a good film you saw with DP that you’d recommend. You have worth, you are a good person, and your ability to chit chat doesn’t make or break your employment. You can do this!

Hi op. Tv is also a good thing for small talk. Try saying asking for film (or programme) recommendations as you are having a relaxing weekend at home. Usually a good conversation starter & a way to find some common interest.

Yes, ask if they've seen any boxsets they recommend.

Politely turn the questions back to them. Most people's favorite topic of conversation is themselves, so act interested & let them talk about themselves.

I second EMDR or some other sensorimotor psychotherapy therapy.

Your body is reacting to the perceived threat and firing up your fight or flight hormones, you're freezing. I'm sure you understand the basics of all that after therapy, the thing is, that reaction is happening in your body, not in your brain, the thinking parts of your brain essentially shut down and have much reduced function once the anxiety kicks up and your body feels under threat, so you can't really think yourself out of the situation, which is why CBT doesn't really work for stuff like that.

Lie.
Prepare an answer.....
‘The kids have swimming on Saturday and I’m doing a big family roast on Sunday and watching Strictly’.

user1481840227 and OrangeSlices998
You are right. My body goes into the freeze response and my mind goes blank and I literally don't know what to say and feel my brain freezes too ( frontal lobe messed up) .
I have looked at EMDR and I would do it but I honestly don't have any memory of why i am the way I am. I can't say X happened and then I became really scared of social situations etc. My childhood was more of a collection of small crappy things if that makes sense. (Angry father who would hit us and sometimes our mum too, feeling lonely as siblings wouldn't play with me because I was too young, being shouted alot for doing/ saying normal things constantly from parents and siblings). I didn't enjoy my childhood and I was afraid of getting someone angry a lot of the time. My freeze response makes sense to me now. I couldn't fight - they were bigger and held the "power" and I couldn't flee ( flight) because I was only a child- where can I go? The only other response was to freeze and let what ever happened happen and stay quiet and invisible in order to not gain attention

I am 100% sure it stems from very young childhood though as I have felt like this and behaved like this from a young age.

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread. I honestly was expecting some people to say that yes you are making them feel uncomfortable and I need to just talk. I wish I had such lovely support in real life.

Bless you, you sound lovely.

As pp have said, start small & fake it til you make it. Concentrate on the 2 people you work with, if you’re in the same office with them everyday then you will become more comfortable with them at least.

Practice with your DH ready for Monday. So you can ask them ‘Did you have a nice weekend?’ And when the question is returned you have a thought out answer.
eg
‘We took the kids for a walk/park and got covered in mud so spent the rest of the afternoon watching a movie & drinking hot chocolate.’

‘What did you watch?’
‘XX - it’s the kids favourite, I must have seen it 20 times now. How about you, did you have a good weekend?’

If it helps then just think about it as the equivalent of chimps grooming each other. It doesn’t really matter what you say, it’s the fact you are interacting. As others have said offering a cup of tea or a biscuit gives the same ‘I’m friendly’ message.

Perhaps you could be honest with them without mentioning anxiety?

When you take in those biscuits (great idea) could you bring yourself to say "I'm very shy and it takes forever to warm up. Just wanted to bring these in as a thanks for a lovely office environment" or something along those lines?

The point being that you make it clear it's not anything they're doing wrong. They might be a bit worried they're making YOU uncomfortable, who knows!

You're very analytical and harsh on yourself, you need to be kinder to yourself.

Listen into other people's conversations. They are mostly very boring. I know people who do really interesting jobs, etc, but even then there's only so much you can talk about that before they move on to what they watched on tv last night.

I used to be like you, got called a mouse in an office when I first started work. But being put in an office of Scousers soon sorted me out. They wouldn't let me just be quiet in a corner and I appreciated that, because it forced me to face my fears.

Start small, appreciate what you achieved that day, and slowly build up.

Definitely asking questions is the best way to go. As unfortunate as it is, most people really aren't as interested in you as they are themselves.

Don't concentrate on what you've said. It doesn't really matter what you've talked about, honestly. No one will be thinking about it 5 mins later.

And remember no one is better than you.

Purpleartichoke

Your colleagues should realize that they are at work to work. If they are chatting away, they either have very easy jobs or they aren’t focusing on their work

What a misery you sound - good relationships at work make for a far more productive work environment.

Great advice on here OP, best of luck!

The art to conversation is asking people questions about themselves.

@imtooquiet, You don't necessarily need to have a memory or a specific incident to work with with EMDR, it will depend on your therapist and their expertise, but you can just focus on feelings instead, such as on overall theme of feeling worthless or maybe powerlessness or something like that.

Basically a therapist will start with the theme...and then as you go through the session you can bring up all the little things from your childhood that might have contributed to that feeling and then hopefully change your thoughts on them.
So say if it was powerlessness that caused this theme you'll start off with a general statement about feeling powerless, then gradually go through the experiences that contributed, and times when you froze etc. as you work through the session.

You would have to do a few sessions of talk therapy with the therapist first and they could help to explore the themes to use.

My childhood (and life) was made up of a lot of small incidents like that too! There were some bigger experiences that the therapist would have liked to focus in on but I didn't feel like they affected me that much, but had a million small incidents that I thought caused my issues.

Some therapists might only be trained in using EMDR for one specific incident for PTSD, but nowadays it can be used for a lot of different things, so don't rule it out straight away.

I am so sorry to hear you had such a tough childhood, it sounds like you've done amazingly well. Some therapists have also started to talk recently about complex PTSD, it's a relatively new term, and one of the theories is that it can be caused by lots of small events, repeatedly, rather than a major life-threatening event. So that might be something to think about?

Also, depending on your company/sector, you may be able to access some kind of counselling programme as an employee, so maybe check that out.

(Have only just learned how to do the following little images, yayy, so bear with me please! There are lots of us judging by this thread who are genuinely rooting for you.)

You've had some lovely helpful posts here OP. I was fully prepared before I read the thread to suggest you come over to the MH threads as can get nasty on AIBU but how wrong I was.

I remember when we had a lady who was very quiet temping in our office for a few months. She said practically nothing that was not essential.
It didn’t make be uncomfortable and no one else ever mentioned that they were uncomfortable either. That was just the way she was.
She was offered a permanent contract but got a different position closer to her home.

You should try not to assume you are making others uncomfortable.

OP EMDR can work for an isolated incident (such as a car accident for example) but also for lots of trigger points. Often it’s about one which feels strongest/that plays on your mind but your therapist can help work out a point at which to begin processing. I didn’t have one isolated incident either, but years and years of anxiety and we slowly unravelled it. Give it a go, if you have even a small sliver of belief you could feel differently. It really did change my life.

OrangeSlices998 so glad EMDR has helped you. I've always wanted to try it but wasn't sure if it was suitable for me. Can I ask did you see a private therapist or was it through the NHS and how many sessions did you need?. Thanks

How has this week been so far?

@imtooquiet It wasn’t available on the NHS in my area, I’m in London but it is available in some. I went privately and saw a therapist for 6 months, but with gaps between sessions. I think I had somewhere between 6-8 treatment sessions? I honestly don’t remember. I had an assessment, then a session around EMDR and some safety/comfort stuff and practising the technique, then treatment (these got more spaced out, so the first few were fortnightly then monthly) and then an ending session.

I’d start by seeing if it’s available on the NHS in your area, if it’s not then privately it will be it’s just a case of affording it. Some charities and services offer counselling/therapy for free or at a low cost.

Good luck to you ❤️

Just an update.

Things are just awful right now. I brought a box of biscuits in and they were received with thanks etc but as far as just getting on chatting with them, things are just as rubbish.

They all went out with the wider team to an Xmas meal and I obviously cancelled and they spoke about how great it was etc and why didn't I come.

We also had a Xmas meal in our work canteen together which was paid for by work and it was so awkward. I hated every minute of it. The 2 colleagues sort of look at each other whenever I say something.i feel so paranoid and like a freak.

To make matters worse I will be having an appraisal in the new year and half the questions are about how I feel about fitting in with the team/ my relationship with my manager and colleagues / how well I get a long with others etc. I think she's going to rip me to shreds.