To be gutted...

[2littleChicks]

DH ended our marriage around 6 weeks ago. Out of the blue. Two primary aged DCs. Ended our marriage but not moved out but that's another story.
I've been struggling hugely and trying to keep things normal for the children.
AIBU to think that HE'S unreasonable to pursue this new exciting single life without so much as a second thought for his heartbroken wife at home with the kids.
People talk so I know he's gone out dating, probably sleeping with other people, leaving things out to wind me up which hint at what he's up to.
How do I move on from this?

You say he is controlling and manipulative - the only way to be with people like that is not to engage - go Grey Rock. If you try to argue with them they will twist your words so you don't know whether you are coming or going, and will put you in the wrong every time.

Just ignore, ignore, ignore. Speak to him only when you absolutely need to.,and about things you have to discuss eg children. Make him tell them he's leaving, as PP suggested - even if it means forcing the issue, but always emphasise that he still loves THEM (even if he doesn't give a toss - they need that reassurance).

You will find your rage - and when you do, use it! Another poster mentioned her icy calm - that's good. It stops you doing things in anger that are self-destructive. Channel your anger to your good.

I would have some subtle fun while he stays at your home that you have maintained and worked hard on all this time.

Laxative in his morning coffee. Or Imodium

Red sock in with his whites

Extra chilli powder in his food

Extra early morning alarm and encourage the children to make a racket on a Saturday morning. Encourage a saucepan drum kit and they can play a tune to him at 6am

Hide things. Shove his keys under the sofa.

Put itching powder in his shampoo

Because I’m clearly a mature person. Prick acts like a kid with no responsibilities or remorse, he deserves it

I tell you what, I would have your mum move in for moral support for a few days/weeks. She can sit next to you on the sofa every night and make him feel extremely uncomfortable! He's used to walking over you by the sounds of it. I'd also consider inviting his parents round to inform them that he's split the family up and is out shagging other women. Ask them if they can kindly take him back!

I stopped reading this when I saw you still do his washing. Wtf op, get some self respect for god sake. Do you let everyone walk all over you?

Stop washing his clothes. Sort some moving out plan ASAP. If not your you, for your kids

He sounds unbelievably cruel.

I hope the moving out is imminent then you can rebuild the better life you deserve.
Be strong! You can do this one day at a time x

I just want to fast forward 6 months and at least know where I am in life. And WHO I am again

You'll get there. We can promise you that. And we are hear to listen whenever you need to vent or have a handhold.

This man is and has treated you appallingly. He is a grade A wanker and I'd get divorce proceedings underway as soon as possible if I were you. But as you said, if you know he's manipulative and controlling, you know how to navigate this better than us. Play him at his own game.

You can do this.

If he is manipulative and controlling, how bad is he? Do you have a case for a complaint of coercive control?

@Yarboosucks most likely - but I wouldn't put it past him to make false allegations himself - he already told me before that he would. Plus wouldn't that spiral into a bitter and expensive divorce process. I know I'm underestimating how awful this is going to be but I want to hold onto to hope that we can make it straightforward.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I needed to hear that. Thank you. Plus Grade A Wanker is going to be his new name.

Change the locks.

I am scared of what he's capable of from past experiences with him

What has happened previously OP?

Gather financial documents, start divorce proceedings and grey rock all the way.

Are hoping he will change his mind because your post doesn't sound like someone who wants a divorce to me.

FFS stop washing his clothes, what he 'wants' is no longer your concern. Look after yourself and your kids not this parasite.

I think you need to be careful and take your time but really get into the mindset its over and you are better off without him I think that is your first step

Then I think you need to quietly gather the information you need. I think the weekend dad has a different conotation now I think it chills you because you are scared he simply wants you gone and another person in your shoes - custody is your biggest thing.

I think housing wise at some point go for selling the house and splitting it straight down the middle

@Closetbeanmuncher I know that there is no coming back from this. The only direction is divorce. I just can't get my head around losing everything. My family unit, maybe my home, I never wanted this. I wanted my husband to love me.
I've tried to keep things as normal as possible for the children but taking some great tips on here. Instead of putting his shit away I'm going to pile it up in the corner.
I've got all the financial paperwork and taken it to my mums where he has no access.
I've got the number for a solicitor a friend recommended and I need to rip this plaster off.

He's not unreasonable for ending the relationship.
Anyone can do that at any time for any reason
He is unreasonable for assuming that he can enjoy his new life while you carry on minding the kids
Stop doing it and get an exciting new life of your own.
He is living in your home, so there is nothing to stop you saying, I'm off now, don't forget to feed the kids
Even if you just go for a walk, or sit in a cafe and read a book.
If you don't set the ground rules now you will be carrying this burden alone for the next 20 years
All the stuff that you did when you were together - you don't have to do that anymore

You will find that your anger will come in time, once he's moved out, once you're settled, once any financial worries are over and once you realise that this man has conned you into thinking that you cannot cope without him. At the moment you are understandably feeling extremely vulnerable. You have had a bombshell dropped upon you. You feel bereft. And I get why you feel that it would be easier if he had evaporated. But think about it this way. He will most likely be saddled with huge maintenance payouts. He will also be saddled with the responsibility of actually having to parent his own children for a few days at a time on his own! He will soon realise just how much you have been holding things together. Now, he will either have to end up in some grotty little flat somewhere where he goes back alone. Or... If he is with another woman and she does leave her husband or partner for him, she may well bring her children with her and he could end up having to look after someone else's on his 'weekend off'. Right now he's thinking with his dick. In a few months time he will be made to look like one!! See a solicitor. Get your friends and family to rally around. In six months time you will have much more clarity. In a year you will be feeling much stronger. Hang on in there though. I really feel for you though. X

Grade A Wanker is going to be his new name

Get that into your phone to identify his number.

@2littleChicks how are you? did you talk to your Mum over the weekend?

He's manipulative? Stay very quiet. And stop listening.
There won't be amicable co-parenting because he thinks he owns or controls you and he can do what ever he likes. This type just like to make life hard, even after they've gone.
The best and kindest thing you can do for yourself is give up any hope of him ever becoming good or reasonable or fair.
Legally you'll still be forced into seeing him for many many years for child handovers so the best thing you can do for yourself is detach. He's not going to change. And I'm sorry. Because it is gutting. It is all absolutely gutting.

Hi there. We spoke and she put a lot of things into perspective. She had an abusive relationship with my dad. I think I've unfortunately followed that pattern.
I do need to detach you're right, just feels impossible to do.
By Friday I will know what is happening with regards to who is living where. Although the ever increasing minimal time he's spending here gives me hope that he will go. Although not without a fight or conditions to make my life hell.

@2littleChicks How are you doing?

Hope you are staying strong
Sounds like a few of us have bee there
Hope he’s gone and left you in peace

He sounds like a total piece of shit. Regardless of feeling devastated take the steps you need to start moving things forward. I would do nothing for him, I’d also consider telling the children about it, I’d move him into the spare room. He has decided the marriage is over so if he ended up a weekend dad that’s on him.