To be gutted...

[2littleChicks]

DH ended our marriage around 6 weeks ago. Out of the blue. Two primary aged DCs. Ended our marriage but not moved out but that's another story.
I've been struggling hugely and trying to keep things normal for the children.
AIBU to think that HE'S unreasonable to pursue this new exciting single life without so much as a second thought for his heartbroken wife at home with the kids.
People talk so I know he's gone out dating, probably sleeping with other people, leaving things out to wind me up which hint at what he's up to.
How do I move on from this?

@Wherecanwegetoff123 As tempting as that sounds they are all I've got to keep me focussed right now!

He doesn’t want to be a weekend dad but he’s chosen to break up the family? His choice, he takes the consequences. He needs to move out. Wash his clothes in bleach, and rinse them in chilli powder. What a wanker.

I want to do it reasonably so there's some chance of amicable co-parenting

But you're the only one being reasonable.. and that's just not fair on you. I echo PPs who say you have to find your anger. It took me about 6 weeks to stop feeling sad and start feeling angry and I think you're actually closer to that than you realise.. you posted here for a start!

He is not your friend anymore - it's harsh and I'm sorry but he doesn't care whether he hurts you now, he's moved on and you're an irritation to his new single life.

@Catsandchardonnay first time in weeks I've actually laughed

OP Read Ellisandra's post above. She has some good points.

I was married to a similar type man over 40 years ago. He was living the single life while married to me and living under the same roof. It didn't bother me because I hated him and was saying up my money to make a clean break. He just assumed I was a mug. lt took over a year of keeping calm, working and saving ALL my money. It was so glorious the day the rented moving truck showed up to collect my things and move them to my newly place.

He actually tried to move with me!! I had to explain calmly that wasn't the plan. He was manipulative and had the potential to be very, very dangerous.

Don't escalate, don't make him mad and don't leave your children with him. Keep putting them first as you've been doing. There's a good chance if you go out for the night he'll have some woman in your bed.

My life completely turned around once I left. It became absolutely grand. I want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Please stop covering for him and tell the kids their Dad is leaving. It will be less of a shock for them when he moves out.

*'Saving' up my money - not 'saying'.

@Prevegen4U This is it, the potential for escalation and I am scared of what he's capable of from past experiences with him.
That's inspiring, I need strength and a plan and time to heal. I know eventually in ten years I can look back at this as an unfortunate period in my life but right now it's just gut wrenching. Broken family, no more babies, financially ruining. And I feel utterly worthless that he's decided his single life is more important than me, who gave him everything.

Do NOT define your worth by his actions. A single parent family is not broken if the there is love, respect, safety and values. In fact it can be wonderful.

This is the umpteenth thread I’ve read in as many days about a husband deciding to up
and leave his family without a care in the world. What the actual fuck is with these “men”. Why do they/ society think this is acceptable and let them get away with it? Is this becoming more common?
I’m so sorry, OP.

he doesn't want to be a "weekend dad"

He has no right to set his expectations about what he wants. He has checked out of the marriage in the most disrespectful way possible - staying at home while whooping it up & rubbing his single status in your face. He doesn't give a shit how you or the kids feel about that - all he wants is your compliance.

The least he can do is move out.
You could pack all his things up & put them in the garage/hall/garden & insist that as he has decided the marriage is over & he prefers shagging around, he is no longer welcome in the marital home.

mug over here has still been doing his washing

Well you can cut that right out. Plus, there'll be nothing to wash when you bagged all his clothes & belongings up, will there?

Neither should you be buying food for him, cooking for him ... nothing.

the kids know.we always know.and if we're not talking to you bout it we are protecting you and it will be rotting away the soul

You keep referring to him as single ? He obviously has another woman ? Why can't she do his laundry, cook and clean

he has the marital bed 😒 I'm in the spare.

You what, now?

He has finished his marriage. What the FUCK is he doing in the marital bed? What the FUCK is he even doing in your & your childrens' home?

Please see a solicitor on Monday OP.
You mentioned he won't like not having total control over eventual asset-spliiting, Ha ha - you take charge of that right now, with some shit hot legal advice. Your ex is an arsehole btw, & your mum is right about him. Hurrah for your mum!!

He’s a mammoth shit but I guess you’re just going to have to tough it out until he leaves. I hope the next stage in your life treats you better.

to the pp saying grow some balls - please see what Betty thinks of that...
You can do this OP!

So I need to tread carefully and make him think things are his idea.

No you don't, lovie.
You pack up his shit, & you tell him he is leaving.
You will feel stronger about doing that once you have spoken with a solicitor.

You wrote about feeling so devastated that you cannot find your anger. That's understandable, It will kick in eventually, but you need it asap. It will help you stick to your guns & protect your & DC's interests. Talk to your mum about her views on this controlling man. Consider how outrageously badly & disrespectfully he is treating you. Remeber how he doesn't not give a shit for your feelings - he is rubbing your nose in his single lifestyle. He is continuing to take your compliance for granted & he is doing exactly what he wants, thinking you will just keep rolling over. Get mad, OP! Many a woman would have all his stuff on the lawn by now. No more domestic services for him, & keep telling him what an arsehole he is being. If you can get the kids out of earshot, scream & shout at him. Make his life so uncomfortable he wishes he were 100 miles away.

He is walking all over you, & you need the best legal advice you can afford, to prevent him from doing so & get him out of your home asap.

I am really really sorry that you are in this awful situation OP. Unfortunately he is not a decent man.
As others have said, pack up his clothes, you get the marital bed, see a solicitor, and please do not do a single thing for him. He has to move out, it's the least he can do. I cannot believe how you are expected to live like this, of course you feel awful and low.
Good luck, I really hope you can get him to move out and can rebuild your life

If he thinks it's ok to carry on like this, show him it is not by bagging up his belongings in bin bags and putting them outside. Get solicitor and get rid of this nasty piece of work. It sounds like he's enjoying the flaunting it part and it is only going to get you down. You need to get yourself and the kids away from this prick. Can't believe you're letting him sleep in your bed and you in spare! Get him out. If he refuses, seek more help! Have you got anyone nearby for support? Good luck

For gods sake stop doing his washing, stop cleaning up after him, stop cooking for him. Put him in another bedroom or on the couch, make his life hell.

THIS ^

Do NOTHING for him.

Doesn't want to be a "weekend dad"? Well in that case he should be treating you with respect and either working to repair your relationship, or moving out so that his children can stay with him part of the time - perhaps even more than the weekend. But of curse, he won't want that because it will spoil his image of himself as a wonderful father, and also it will mean his style is cramped if he wants to bring someone home.

You are worth more than this.

Your children are worth more than this.

At the moment you are still reeling from shock and despair - toughen up - when he comes home tonight let it be to no meals. Let him find his belongings in the spare room, if you have one, or in bags/boxes behind the settee if you don't. Leave his washing and ironing for him to do. If it piles up - tough - DO NOT DO IT! No SEX - so many of these men think they are still entitled to a stage when they feel like it, and their poor wives allow them because they hope their useless husbands will reconsider their decision. YOU go out any enjoy yourself (or go to a mate's house and weep your heart out. Let him feed, bath and read a bedtime story to the children. Work out which days he is looking after your children (from breakfast to bedtime) and which days you are; which are his weekends off and which yours. Just because he is present in the house it doesn't mean that he doesn't have to step up to the plate. After all - he doesn't want to be a "weekend dad". You can take it further - which nights are his nights to choose what's on the telly, and which nights are yours etc. He doesn't get to just do what he likes while you sit at home with your children.

And even if you don't go out - make him do his share. Don't let him get away with ANYTHING. He is a twat - but you don't have to be a doormat.

Ooo, this makes my blood boil! He does n't get to choose the exact terms of when and how he sees his kids. And neither does he get to live at home whilst going out shagging all and sundry! He's the one who is splitting up the family. He should be the one to move out. He can rent a shitty little flat up the road and still be a part of their lives. And in time he can expand to a two bed place do that he can have them overnight. Do not let him crawl back to you once he realises that the grass is not greener on the other side!

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Absolutely well said!!