To be gutted...

[2littleChicks]

DH ended our marriage around 6 weeks ago. Out of the blue. Two primary aged DCs. Ended our marriage but not moved out but that's another story.
I've been struggling hugely and trying to keep things normal for the children.
AIBU to think that HE'S unreasonable to pursue this new exciting single life without so much as a second thought for his heartbroken wife at home with the kids.
People talk so I know he's gone out dating, probably sleeping with other people, leaving things out to wind me up which hint at what he's up to.
How do I move on from this?

Oh you poor love, but please please stop being a doormat. He's having his cake, eating it and making trifle out of it as well (to quote Jilly Cooper).

You need to make his life hell - just as he's made yours. Ban him to one room, stop being remotely nice. And don't say you can't because of the DC - he's hardly thinking of them, is he? You cook really nice meals and eat them in front of him; do lovely things with the kids; live your life to the fullest now you've shed the deadweight.

Woman up! And fast.

Here's a programme fo the next two days.
Day 1 - Before he goes out in the evening, beat him to it by leaving the house for the evening. He will have to look after the DC. Don't ask him or even tell him first - just go, but make it clear as you go out of the door that you are staying out until at least 11pm.
Day 2 - Put his immediate belongings - clothes, toiletries, etc. in a black bag, leave outside the front door, having first changed the locks.
(Not sure the bit about the locks is actually legal, so maybe put the black bag into the spare bedroom, and don't let him back into yours.
Find out if you can change the locks, and do so another day if it will not jeopardise your case when it comes to divorce). Good luck. He sounds awful.,

@2littleChicks I'm angry for you!! You say you're lost, well I will tell you where you are. You are in your own home, where you and your children should feel warm, safe and secure and the father of those children is making that home an uncomfortable place for you and your kids. If you can't be angry for yourself, you surely can muster up some anger for them.

Tell him torrow your off out, he is in charge of the children.
Call friends, or your mum and go out.

You're being walked all over! You're waiting for him to leave instead of doing something! Kick him out, fire for divorce!

You are acting like a mug!

feeling hopeless and lost will pass you know, you have a job, you bring up 2 dcs, you run a home, you are a capable woman who deserves better, keep telling yourself that and will get through it, beyond it and I promise you, sooner or later you will thank your lucky stars he is gone now and wasted any more of your precious life.

It will come. When you stop being numb, when the truth penetrates, it will come.

So sorry.

Pack all his shit, leave it outside and change the locks.

Maybe also try thinking of little things you've always wanted to do but that he didn't want you to (if you have any?). My example is, when ExH and I divorced I got to decorate my bedroom purple. He'd never countenance it because he didn't like purple. It was a small victory but my god it felt good!

You know what they say, fake it till you make it.

If you can’t find the anger...... think about what you might do if you could and do that.

He does NOT get to behave like this and have it all his own way.

Pack his stuff. Work out what he needs to pay you in maintenance and then work out how you can manage financially.

Doesn’t want to be a weekend dad? That’ll be because it’ll spoil his fun.

Stop doing anything for him- and if he leaves stuff lying around put it in a bin bag and sling it in his room/ the garage/the bin. Rinse and repeat. He doesn’t get the benefit of having a wife looking after him if he doesn’t want a wife. He doesn’t get the benefit of family life if he wants to be single.

I’m generally fairly reasonable about things, and would be inclined to try and be amicable, but in this case, he is absolutely in the wrong.

Don't go out without telling him, he can claim he thought you'd left because the marriage had broken down. Tell him you are going out for the evening just as you are leaving and say you will be back later.

Putting your foot down is more important than ever with a manipulative, controlling loser like your ex. Don't let him walk all over you.

You can’t legally change the locks and trying to would just escalate the situation. Ignore all that.

Small important things, you can do. Well done on already not cooking for him! With the washing, just leave his stuff behind in the basket, no need to say a word. If he makes any kind of dig say as calmly as you can “there wasn’t room for all of it” (if you want to be indirect) or “we’re separated, I’m not doing your washing”.

Spare room... not the end of the world if it’s a decent bed, I’d just pick my battles.

Go to a solicitor and serve him with divorce papers. Take control. You don’t have to have decided on asset split to do that. It also doesn’t mean that you’re leaving asset split up the courts - you still do it yourself, it only ends up in court if you don’t agree it, way down the line. It even has to be after mediation before a court will hear it.

Take the wind out of his sails by starting the divorce. Take legal advice on how you can proceed with regards to living arrangements. You can’t just make him move out.

The most important thing now is:

• do your sums
• make sure you get copies of all financial paperwork whilst you have access to it in the house
• see a solicitor
• practise letting his crap wash over you. If he’s on a night out? Good news you’re not looking at his pathetic face

If you have a chance for some weekends away (with or without kids) - visiting family or friends so it’s free - that may help. I lived with my XH for 4 months, albeit in a much calmer situation, and that space really helped.

Good luck!

Look, it's Friday and he'll be planning to go out tonight. Now is the time to act. Pack up his things and send them to his mother's house - a taxi driver will do that for you. Then send him a message telling him you are filing for divorce and his bags are at his mum's.

I would switch the room situation for a start off. Put all his clothes etc in the spare room and reclaim the master bedroom. Put a lock on your room. Put all his dirty washing paperwork and mess he makes in his room...daily. When he comments say as a single man he has to care of himself. Live your life for you and your dc. Imagine someone doing that to someone your dc, how angry would you be and what advice would you give them? Do the same for yourself. He has no regard for you and his contempt for you is a habit.
I split from a long term relationship that was controlling and I was often scared to stand up for myself. When I did things changed quicker than I thought they would. Your h sounds like an utter bellend

If ever there was a “get your ducks in a row” thread, this is it!!!

Step 1; finances- move as much money as you can into your personal account ASAP! Remove yourself from as many joint accounts/credit cards as you can.
Step 2; Get him out of the house- wait until he has gone to work, pack up all if his clothes and personal stuff and give them to his parents/siblings/friend, if he has none of these, book a courier and have it shipped to his work.
Step 3; keep him out- change all of the locks
Step 5; Solicitor (you should probably do this as step 1 or 2)- see where you stand, legally

Ah that's horrible for you and so disrespectful! You're barely just separated and his life is all dandy, no consideration for you or the kids.

Stop doing all his laundry/household stuff. Sorry op that's cruel of him. how long have you been married for?

@HollowTalk would you like to add to your advice, with some words on how OP should explain daddy’s sudden disappearance to her two young children? And how she then explains his re-appearance next day when he simply comes back because that is the law?

@Allinadaystwerk gives good advice:

I would switch the room situation for a start off. Put all his clothes etc in the spare room and reclaim the master bedroom. Put a lock on your room

OP, I feel for you so much, you must be shellshocked. Your H is a wanker. Yes, we all have the right to end a relationship but if we are going to do so, do it with dignity

Time to reclaim your pride. Don't let this shit of a man get his own way anymore

Are you in rented accommodation or with a mortgage? And who’s name is it in? Joint or just yours?
If it’s rental, speak to your landlord and see if you can get him removed - although this usually requires his signature. If he won’t sign to get off it, say you want to take yourself off and get another place. I know I have written this as though it’s easy, but whilst you are still acting as a married couple in terms of you doing his washing then nothing will change. He is living the easy life whilst you are suffering

I doubt she'd have to say anything to her children immediately, if he stays at his parents' home.

@1CantPickAName I agree your solicitor step 5 should be step 1 or 2, given that she has no legal right to do your step 2 and 3.

It’s just not helpful throwing about all this “Chuck him out” or “bin liner his clothes” stuff.

OP, see a solicitor to understand how you can move this along as quickly as possible.
It is really hard staying in a house with a cheating husband, I have been there. But you WILL get through it. You can “find your anger” if you like... but you can also just get practical and get moving. I probably didn’t really feel properly angry until about 8 months after splitting, 4 months after moving out. I managed to achieve a fuck of a lot through icy calm though!

OP, phone a solicitor now, this afternoon, while they are still open, and make an appointment to file for divorce. You can not live like this! It's not fair on you or your children.

And stop doing anything for him. No cooking, no washing, and if he leaves stuff lying around put it in a pile in a corner or a cupboard, FFS don't clear it up!

@HollowTalk do you have children? OP has 2 primary aged DCs, so at least age 5 and 6 if not twins. At that age, I know mine would say “where’s daddy?” for just one evening he was away. So I’d need to have the truth, or my lie ready pretty quickly. And he confident he agreed with it and wasn’t going to turn right back up the next day insisting on staying in HIS home.

I have no sympathy with this arsehole, but calls to chuck him out just are not simple.

Thank you, I do want to move this forward with the least disruption and heartache for the kids. I want to do it reasonably so there's some chance of amicable co-parenting. Not that I think I owe him anything.
Honestly though just hearing your thoughts does give me a little strength. It's hard to see when you're in the thick of it I just need to put on my big girl pants. I just want to fast forward 6 months and at least know where I am in life. And WHO I am again.

He doesn't want to be a weekend dad. Ok when he gets home give him the kids and go out and come back tomorrow. Voila! He's being a dad...