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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to get this news story out of my head ***trigger warning***

61 replies

ethelfleda · 21/11/2019 19:49

I didn’t even hear about it at the time, only on radio 4 the other day after the accused was sentenced to prison for manslaughter. There was no warning before the new story and I fell to pieces when I heard it.
I just stupidly googled the story because I can’t stop thinking about it and I feel sick and and incredibly emotional.

It was the man that killed Alfie Lamb by crushing him to death with his electric car seat.

Does this happen to you?? I feel overwhelmingly like I need to do something about it in a weird way, but what??

What is wrong with people Sad

OP posts:
Leedsmom · 21/11/2019 19:52

Oh this upset me too when I first heard about it. And again when I heard the ridiculously short sentence the man got Sad.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 21/11/2019 19:53

How is it fair that he got such a short sentence?
I rarely wish harm on people but I would like to see someone bigger than him crush him to death.

OP posts:
Leedsmom · 21/11/2019 20:09

I keep thinking that that little boy must have felt so unloved and then so scared. Shoved into a footwell and then killed by an evil bully.

MsVestibule · 21/11/2019 20:20

And then his mother tried to cover it up, too. It makes me wonder what the rest of his short life had been like.

AloeVeraLynn · 21/11/2019 20:21

Yes that story is really upsetting. Poppy Worthington also plays on my mind often.

TheDarkPassenger · 21/11/2019 20:28

pre kids I’d have had barely any reaction. Since having kids I can’t even read stuff like that anymore! I’m our safeguarding lead at work and thank Christ we work with mostly adults and teens because when I do the children’s training and modules I cry and think about it for days. It’s also made me fiercely protective over my kids!

Oysterbabe · 21/11/2019 20:35

I have 2 small children and since having them news stories like this absolutely break my heart. They play on my mind for weeks.

puds11 · 21/11/2019 20:37

Find it odd that people apparently only find a child being crushed to death heart breaking after having had children Hmm

TheDarkPassenger · 21/11/2019 20:42

@puds11

Well, people are different. Myself, my ex and our therapist were pretty confident I was a sociopath. I guess hormones change everything

TheDarkPassenger · 21/11/2019 20:43

Or more likely just growing up. Drink and drugs make you pretty numb to stuff

PeopleWhoRun · 21/11/2019 20:45

Oh I feel just the same. It's terrible, I remember reading this story and ringing a friend sobbing about it.

Before I had my babies I would have been saddened by the news, but probably not moved to tears. And I probably wouldn't have thought about it for days.

Having wondered why it's worse after having kids, I think it's something to do with being responsible for a little person, you're everything to them, you feel their pain, their hurt and their happiness. It's very unnatural to not help them when they're in trouble, which is probably why we hate it so much.

You've got me googling it again now Sad

MistyCloud · 21/11/2019 20:46

That is awful @ethelfleda He should have been done for murder.

I had blocked this vile and hideous and monstrous crime out of my head for the last few months. It was dreadful.

YANBU at all.

And no you don't have to have children to be upset by this. At all. But I don't think @Oysterbabe meant anything by her comment.

Dreamersandwishers · 21/11/2019 20:46

No kids but this broke my heart. How could they hurt something so precious.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 21/11/2019 20:48

Before I had my babies I would have been saddened by the news, but probably not moved to tears. And I probably wouldn't have thought about it for days

Yes, I have a 2 year old and this has affected me more than it would have before. Just goes against nature and instincts. I’ve been unable to stop kissing and hugging DS since - and I probably hug and kiss him too much already.
That poor little boy.

OP posts:
readysteadylook · 21/11/2019 20:53

@ethelfleda for some reason I knew this was going to be about Alfie Lamb. The first time I read about this I cried so much. He reminds me of a relative of mine. It's so truly heartbreaking.

MistyCloud · 21/11/2019 20:59

I think why people feel it more when they have children than they did before, it's because you envisage for a horrible moment how awful it would be if something similar happened to your child.

ExhaustedGrinch · 21/11/2019 21:05

I haven't heard this news story, I don't think I'll look it up. I remember when Daniel Pelka died, my son was around the same age at the time. I was heartbroken by his story, I still think about him from time to time and I'll never ever forget his name or his face.

spacepyramid · 21/11/2019 21:06

I think it's normal to feel more once you have children of your own, it doesn't mean that you lacked compassion before, just that it was less connected to your own life.

He should be prison for murder. What happened to the boy's mother - did she go to prison too? Any other adults in the car should be charged with a criminal offence because from what I remember he was sitting in the footwell and shouldn't have been (what kind of parent lets their child sit there?) and the seat was repeatedly pushed back into him - somebody should have stopped that from happening.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 21/11/2019 21:11

It seems to be the end of a whole barrage of abuse from the boyfriend to the poor little boy Alfie .
The video CCTV of him running flat out and they don;t even slow up. The boyfriend just looking at his phone .
And there was other evidence of his treatment of Alfie at home .

Chillingly when you read the dimensions of the space he was in (above the length of my forearm) and size after he forced his seat back (less than the length of my hand ) it would've been like the force of him being stamped on.

And all the time , the "Mother" didn't think to prioritise her son over her bunk up Hmm

readysteadylook · 21/11/2019 21:16

I hope his 'mother' and the scum who did this to him suffer and are tormented by this for the rest of their miserable life.

Rubytoosday · 21/11/2019 21:17

The reason you feel this sort of stuff more after having kids is because it triggers at some level thoughts of what if it was your own kids? It doesn’t mean you become more compassionate, sadly (or presumably people wouldn’t do this sort of thing to their own kids).
I get much more cut up about people who lose a partner now that I am married (and from the point at which I knew how much my husband meant to me, didn’t need to be married specifically), but I know it’s because, even if I’m not consciously thinking it out, I’m transposing that onto my own situation - what if it was me?
It takes more empathy to relate to these things if you’re single and childless (and many single and childless people do show real empathy and compassion. I know no one’s having a go, I just wanted to point that out. It also comes with age I think.
It’s a horrific story, I don’t have kids and I will admit to not having the same reaction you have - it’s less visceral for me I think for the above reasons - but my heart did wrench. I don’t know why some people have kids. Poor defenceless little chap, he didn’t stand a chance.

DontbeaBabs · 21/11/2019 21:26

Find it odd that people apparently only find a child being crushed to death heart breaking after having had children

because it's closer to home, it's human.

It's the same about adult cancer, or house fires, or crashes. It's not the same for everyone, but for many, when you suddenly come faced to something (or with the risk of something), you are more touched by it. And children especially, that horrible "what if" I am not here to protect them anymore.

DontbeaBabs · 21/11/2019 21:28

I don't understand how someone who has been found guilty of anything like that can ever be given the right to a "normal" life after a short time. It's beyond me.

lynsey91 · 21/11/2019 21:30

I don't have children and I cried when I read this story. I also felt so angry at the piece of scum that did this and Alfie's useless uncaring mum.

Stories about abuse of a child or killing a child or an animal always make me cry

stophuggingme · 21/11/2019 21:32

@MistyCloud I agree.

I found coverage of dreadful incidents involving children very distressing before I became a mother but since I had children of my own I literally can not tolerate reading or hearing about them, they make me feel ill. Though of course I do read and hear of them.

I feel total hatred towards the man that did this to that little boy. Actually as a mother I feel murderous towards both of these grotesque individuals for what they inflicted on that child.