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AIBU to tell infertile friend about pregnancy first?

88 replies

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 10:42

I know a lady who used to go out with a close friend (lots of double dating and holiday with both partners), we stayed in contact as my friend treated her fairly badly and I helped her through some tough times.

We also got back in contact as we had both been referred for fertility treatment.

She began her IVF journey sometime before me. I was able to go for iui and we spoke about our experiences via FB messenger. It was really great to have someone to share this with that understood.

Friend told me that her final IVF had failed (she can not afford anymore) around the same time I was prepping for my first iui treatment.

We had a heart to heart and I supported her (again just via messenger, we never met up). She wished me well on my journey and said to me to please keep her updated on my iui and she is really routing for me.

I didn't update her, we stopped talking - I figured she was grieving and so there was no way I was going to discuss my excitement/nerves etc.

Anyway, I am now 12 weeks pregnant and we have not spoken once since the last conversation.

I am due to announce my pregnancy tomorrow, we have mutual friends so she will find out. However I really want to do this sensitively but am terrified it will be a trigger for her. We often talked about how great it would be if we both got pregnant at the same time and I think whatever way she finds out she will be hurt.

If I try to keep it secret from her i.e. don't tell her then that would be rude. If I do tell her before anyone else, will I come across as gloating? I just don't want to hurt her feelings but also know she will find out eventually.

My friend (her ex) has got a wicked side and I worry that if I tell friend, friend will take great delight in telling her.

She went through IVF as a single woman but has since met someone and seems happy but I do worry.

What do you think? Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 21/11/2019 10:44

Firstly, ditch the friend with the wicked side who'd delight in telling her.

What a cunt. Why are you evrn friends?


AmbitiouslyFit · 21/11/2019 10:47

Tough one !

No advice but watching


AliceAbsolum · 21/11/2019 10:47

Dump your "friend".

Yes I think it be lovely to send a quick message to her separately. No one did this with me but I would have hugely appreciated it


Merryoldgoat · 21/11/2019 10:53

My friend (her ex) has got a wicked side and I worry that if I tell friend, friend will take great delight in telling her.

This is really vile and I wouldn't be friends with people like this.

There are plenty of people I don't like and can't bear and it's quite another thing to revel in/enjoy another's unhappiness - it is a very nasty trait.

I have had two children and told my friends suffering infertility privately before telling other people.

It just seemed like the decent thing to do. I did it via text so they could digest the information privately and then I carried on as before.


SoftBlocks · 21/11/2019 10:55

Send her a text first. Even if she is happy for you she may need a chance to compose herself.


LemonSqueezy0 · 21/11/2019 10:56

Why are you friends with someone who would delight in doing that?! How insanely cruel. I hope they never turn on you and you regret not having the balls to get rid of them.

Yes, do tell her. Just a short message and thank her for the support she's given you, and acknowledge that it's difficult.


Pinktop · 21/11/2019 10:58

As they friends who went through 3 rounds of IVf whilst people around me got pregnant, yes tell her first, it made me love my friends so much more for not letting me see it on Facebook or something xx


SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 10:58

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon I don't personally speak to the friend anymore, we are on each others Facebooks but he pays no interest in my life and vice versa.

Their relationships really showed a side to him that was vile. But we have mutual friends also so it will definitely get to him possibly before her.

OP posts:

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 10:59

@Pinktop any advice on how to word it gently?

OP posts:

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 11:00

I have drafted a few messages but they all sound horrible! help!

OP posts:

Pinkblueberry · 21/11/2019 11:01

I think who we’re friends with says a lot about ourselves tbh - I don’t know why you’re associating with that horrible person.

It’s a tricky one because I think that this brief friendship had kind of fizzled out, in some ways it seems a bit odd to let her known but then she might appreciate it as seeing it on Facebook or hearing from others will make her upset - so I suppose texting first would be appreciated.


Pinktop · 21/11/2019 11:02

It feels like a kick in the stomach however it’s worded, I just needed a few minutes feeling sad on my own before I could get on board with my friends happiness. What I didn’t appreciate was people saying “I’m sorry I’m pregnant “, it made me think they thought I would resent their happiness which I didn’t. X


SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 11:03

@Pinkblueberry That is a bit of an unfair and generalised comment to make. I am nothing like this person I know, and like I said - I didn't realise what they were like until I witnessed how they treated their partner. I sided with the partner but we still have mutual friends.

I haven't seen "friend" since they were together.

OP posts:

honeyloops · 21/11/2019 11:07

Maybe just something like "Hi [friend], how are you? I know it's been a while since we spoke, but I wanted to tell you that I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I know how it can feel to find this kind of news out via Facebook so I thought I'd give you a heads up first


PrincessHoneysuckle · 21/11/2019 11:08

Just put
Hi - I know it's been a long time since we spoke but I just wanted to let you know that my treatment worked and I am now pregnant.I remember you said you wanted to be kept in the loop on hows things go regarding this.

Love ----

That what I would put anyway,maybe it's a bit abrupt but I'd definitely message her telling her.


Pinktop · 21/11/2019 11:10

@PrincessHoneysuckles message is pretty spot on i think x


Curious2468 · 21/11/2019 11:11

Message her sensitively. Explain you have given her space because you understand how she must have been grieving but you didn’t want her to find out your news from others. Let her know you understand she may want to keep her distance for a while and you understand but you are there when she feels ready to face the world again and she doesn’t need to feel bad for being non contact for a while. Congratulations by the way!!


PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:13

Don’t say anything about how you know it’s hard news to hear, or how you’re singling her out to give her a heads up. Its awful having the he fact you can’t react normally to good news and need telling separately pointed out, even if it is done with kindness.
Just send a factual text message, as you would to any other friend. She will know you’ve done it that way to ge considerate,


Angliski · 21/11/2019 11:15

I've been that friend. I am pregnant now after a long journey. How good of you to be thoughtful. It can leave you reeling when the Luvox announcements keep coming. I actually haven't announced my pregnancy at all on public forums or social media because I know wha tit is to be on receiving end. I probably will say something when little person arrives.

The very best way friends shared their news with me was to tell me early before a big social media announcement and to say gently ' I am sorry if this is hard for you to hear. I wanted to make sure that I was sensitive to all you have been through and didn't feel too shocked by a public announcement' I am sure she will really appreciate the same x


JPharm · 21/11/2019 11:16

You should definitely message her first, if she finds out via someone else it may seem like you were hiding it from her.

If she knows you are going through fertility treatment then surely she has prepared herself for the possibility that it would have worked for you. That’s not to say it won’t be very painful for her but it surely won’t be unexpected.

Just be honest and be sensitive but be prepared for her to not reach out to you straight away.


FlashesOfRage · 21/11/2019 11:19

Dear x,

I am sorry I haven’t been in touch, I just found it hard to know what to say while I was in a transitional period.

I wanted to thank you for the mutual support you gave me in the past. Our conversations meant a lot to me and I hope you are doing ok.

I got pregnant as a result of my IUI and I wanted to make sure you were not surprised by reading about it on fb.

Sending you my best wishes,
Smooth Orange x


BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay · 21/11/2019 11:20

Yes message her first but don’t give her a whole lot of rubbish about how you know it’s hard for her etc. As you don’t know how hard it is for her and it just seems patronising.
A friend told me face to face when I was struggling to get pregnant and she basically opened with “I wish it was you not me”. I was really taken aback, as I just thought well you don’t, not really, and in any event it’s not the reality of the situation. Be pretty factual about it.


Emeraldshamrock · 21/11/2019 11:23

No I don't think you are over thinking.
You're taking her feelinginyo consideration. Personally I would tell her first. I bet she'll be happy for you.
Congratulations Flowers


StripeyTopRedLips · 21/11/2019 11:23

I have a friend with secondary infertility, who knew we were starting to try. We got pregnant immediately and I really wanted to try find a way to let her know before any kind of announcement so she had time to absorb it in private and so forth.

What I ended up doing was sending a message saying something like:

‘Hey friend, so I know we’ve always been really open with each other about the whole TTC thing, turns out I have some news and I wanted to share with you privately before telling other people or putting it on Facebook. I hope you don’t mind me telling you this way! However you respond/don’t respond is fine with me and there’s no pressure to reply or anything. Catch you soon xx’

I know from previous conversations one of the most painful ‘triggers’ for her was people saying things like ‘gosh we didn’t expect it to happen so fast’ as it just rubbed it in that they’d had to spend months and months without any eventual success. I kinda wanted to tread the line between acknowledging it was probably gonna be tough to hear but also not patronising her making it a much bigger deal by being all ‘omg I know this is gonna hurt’ cos ultimately she was gonna feel whatever she needed to feel and in a way I felt like just keeping it fairly simple and straightforward would give her the chance if she wanted to to reply however she wanted to. I also felt like it was probably more sensitive not to actually type the words ‘I’m pregnant’ for some reason, I knew she’d deduce I was from the message and thought that was enough.

I recommend telling her before you announce, at least a few days, so she has chance to absorb the news and mute you on fb if she wants to. It’s very kind of you to consider this as friends with infertility have said it’s really rare for people announcing pregnancies to even consider how it’ll be received as they’re either too excited or feel so awkward they don’t know what to say. It’s far more common to just be told along with everyone else and then judged if they aren’t able to jump to enthusiastic congratulations, ‘making it all about them’. When threads like this come up it’s almost unanimously said by infertile people they’d like to be told in private via a message so they can react however they need to without the announcer watching, so I’d go with that. It’s kinder than doing it in person. My friend and her husband both messaged to say thanks and that they’d really appreciated it and thought it was handled well and one of the better ways they’d been informed about someone’s news.



DeadButDelicious · 21/11/2019 11:27

My friend (her ex) has got a wicked side and I worry that if I tell friend, friend will take great delight in telling her.

I don't personally speak to the friend anymore, we are on each others Facebooks but he pays no interest in my life and vice versa.

Their relationships really showed a side to him that was vile. But we have mutual friends also so it will definitely get to him possibly before her.

For this reason alone I would make sure she knows before him. Something along the lines of, 'I know we've been on a similar journey and you asked to be kept in the loop so I just wanted to let you know, that I'm expecting.' Someone will probably be along with a better wording soon.

What a vile individual he is. I'd get him off my my Facebook and remove him from my life completely. He isn't a 'friend' he's a prize prick by the sound of it.

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