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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell infertile friend about pregnancy first?

88 replies

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 10:42

I know a lady who used to go out with a close friend (lots of double dating and holiday with both partners), we stayed in contact as my friend treated her fairly badly and I helped her through some tough times.

We also got back in contact as we had both been referred for fertility treatment.

She began her IVF journey sometime before me. I was able to go for iui and we spoke about our experiences via FB messenger. It was really great to have someone to share this with that understood.

Friend told me that her final IVF had failed (she can not afford anymore) around the same time I was prepping for my first iui treatment.

We had a heart to heart and I supported her (again just via messenger, we never met up). She wished me well on my journey and said to me to please keep her updated on my iui and she is really routing for me.

I didn't update her, we stopped talking - I figured she was grieving and so there was no way I was going to discuss my excitement/nerves etc.

Anyway, I am now 12 weeks pregnant and we have not spoken once since the last conversation.

I am due to announce my pregnancy tomorrow, we have mutual friends so she will find out. However I really want to do this sensitively but am terrified it will be a trigger for her. We often talked about how great it would be if we both got pregnant at the same time and I think whatever way she finds out she will be hurt.

If I try to keep it secret from her i.e. don't tell her then that would be rude. If I do tell her before anyone else, will I come across as gloating? I just don't want to hurt her feelings but also know she will find out eventually.

My friend (her ex) has got a wicked side and I worry that if I tell friend, friend will take great delight in telling her.

She went through IVF as a single woman but has since met someone and seems happy but I do worry.

What do you think? Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

Original poster

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 12:24

@PurpleDaisies what's worse? Saying about how difficult my news must be?

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 21/11/2019 12:25

Haven't read all the messages yet - but as the person with the failed IVF behind them I would rather know.
For two reasons - one because she asked you to keep her updated and two because finding out on FB/SM will be a lot harder than dropping her a message separately.

You could say something like - a little anxious about announcing but wanted you to know before I told the general public but last round was successful and I'm due in xx

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 12:29

@PurpleDaisies what's worse? Saying about how difficult my news must be?

Yes, apologies if that wasn’t clear. As I said before, it’s horrible having that pointed out. What kind of person gets upset at others happy news? You feel bad enough anyway without the well-intended comments like that.

If you look on the infertility boards, you’ll see the same feelings over and again there.

Original poster

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 12:31

@sillysmiles part of me does think she was just being polite/strong by saying she wants to be kept in the loop though, as she has not messaged me since.

Feeling very anxious

OP posts:

Original poster

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 12:32

@PurpleDaisies thank you

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 12:32

You don’t have to feel anxious. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re bring kind and sensitive towards your friend. She won’t be upset with you.

Sankayaded · 21/11/2019 12:32

Firstly, congratulations!!
Definitely take the time to tell her yourself. I was in a very similar situation, my friend really struggled with her infertility and had a breakdown so I didnt want to tell her. We live a distance away from each other and she saw me after I had my baby and iv never felt such guilt. She was so hurt I hadn't told her.
I'll never do that again. A nice message to say you wanted her to know will be perfect. Im sure she will handle it better than you think, but she deserves to know. Especially as she has said to keep her updated.

Original poster

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 12:40

I am hovering over the send button. Why can't I do this!

OP posts:

Evilspiritgin · 21/11/2019 12:45

I probably wouldn’t mention that she wanted to be kept in the loop, she was probably being polite, I would tell her before someone (ex) has a field day telling her

StripeyTopRedLips · 21/11/2019 13:24

Why can't I do this!

You can, and you will, because it’s the kindest way forward.

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 13:54

Of COURSE you tell her first.

Along the lines of "I don't want you to have to hear this second hand, so am telling you before anyone else, as I don't want you to be put in a position of managing your feelings if a 3rd party surprised you with the info.
I can only imagine how you are feeling & am happy to be here for you if that is not going to be too difficult for you. So if you want to meet up, please tell me - & if that would be too hard right now, but you want to keep chattting on messenger that's fine too."

Personalise it to suit your friend, obviously, but I hope a message a bit like the above would go a long way to show that you want to be sensitive to her grief.

Also - WTF with your friend, her ex, who would use this as a gloating opportunity? Dump that fucker.

Oh - & congratulations!!

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 13:57

Personalise it to suit your friend, obviously, but I hope a message a bit like the above would go a long way to show that you want to be sensitive to her grief.

That’s the trouble with that sort of message in a nutshell. Instead of actually being sensitive to her grief and sending a factual message, you send a message demonstrating how sensitive you are which shoves in her face that all her friends know she doesn’t react normally to pregnancy announcements.

mistyy · 21/11/2019 14:28

If you feel like letting her know just be casual

" hey "name", how have you been ? I know we haven't talked in a bit but you have been on my mind and I wanted to share some life updates with you, last we spoke we discussed our ttc journey and iui, I wanted to let you know how it went for us, we had some ups and downs but I'm actually 12 weeks now, and I remember we wanted to keep each other posted. I hope you have been well and would love to hear about what you've been up to the past few months"

I dunno something like that?

StripeyTopRedLips · 21/11/2019 15:41

I would avoid the ‘I know how hard this will be for you’ stuff tbh. It doesn’t give her much room to react gracefully or give a stock congrats response without looking bitter. And puts pressure on her to be all ‘what, me? No! I’m thrilled!’

It’s patronising too. The act of letting her know personally before other people is kind and shows you care about and have considered her feelings. You don’t need to and shouldn’t add a layer on top of that of telling her how she is predicted to react.

MistyCloud · 21/11/2019 16:23

Hi @SmoothOrange and many congratulations to you!!! I am so happy for you.

I think there have been lots of good suggestions on here, but @mistyy nailed it with this one..

" hey "name", how have you been ? I know we haven't talked in a bit - but you have been on my mind and I wanted to share some life updates with you. Last time we spoke we discussed our ttc journey and iui, so I wanted to let you know how it went for us. We had some ups and downs but I'm actually 12 weeks pregnant now, and I remember we wanted to keep each other posted. I hope you have been well and would love to hear about what you've been up to the past few months"

This is spot on IMO.

I agree with the posters saying 'don't say I know how hard it's been for you, and you are probably going to feel sad/pissed off/blue la la la...' That is unnecessary. (And as a few people have said, somewhat condescending and patronising, even if it's not meant that way.)

She knows you have been trying - so the news shouldn't be massively shocking for her.

As a pp said, she will be happy for you but sad for herself. When people have got something that I would like and want, I am chuffed and happy for them. Even if I feel a bit disappointed that I haven't got it, I don't feel pissed off or mad at them. Just pleased for them.

All the best to you!

Sagradafamiliar · 21/11/2019 21:21

I'll go against the grain. She's someone you know used to know through your horrible friend, who has now moved on. You bonded over your fertility journeys at the time but are no longer in touch. She might be thinking, 'we haven't been in contact for ages but you just had to let me know this news?'. I think with closer friends, it would be different.

Coliflowerchwese · 21/11/2019 21:40

She would honestly probably appreciate it if you messaged and told her, you sound like a lovely person with empathy and a concern for your friends feelings. Your other friend does not, I would keep my distance.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 21:46

She might be thinking, 'we haven't been in contact for ages but you just had to let me know this news?'

From the relationship they had before, it would be obvious why the op is letting her know. The friend even said to keep her informed.

ClementineWardobe · 21/11/2019 22:07

My tuppence worth (I'm infertile and have found out in horrendous ways) it's a rejig of mummyshark;

Hi X,

We haven't been in contact in a while. I hope you're well.
I wanted to let you know before I tell other friends that my treatment worked and am now expecting, due x. I just wanted to say thank you for being so supportive whilst I was going through treatment. It is hard news to hear, I realise this, so I wanted to let you know privately, particularly before it reaches social media.
I know that nothing I can say right now will soften the blow because I've felt that blow myself. But please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well.
Love

Evilspiritgin · 21/11/2019 22:18

@ClementineWardobe

Hi X,

I think this message hits it just right

nokidshere · 21/11/2019 22:21

The very best way friends shared their news with me was to tell me early before a big social media announcement and to say gently ' I am sorry if this is hard for you to hear. I wanted to make sure that I was sensitive to all you have been through and didn't feel too shocked by a public announcement' I am sure she will really appreciate the same x

I spent 15 yrs trying for and desperately longing for a child and I would have found the above message patronising and insincere.

nokidshere · 21/11/2019 22:23

I know that nothing I can say right now will soften the blow because I've felt that blow myself. But please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well

And that would have been even worse.

Stuckinanutshell · 21/11/2019 22:31

Congratulations OP!!!!

I also agree not to mention how hard it is for her or anything along those lines. It is patronising AND if it were me, and it has been, I would balk at the pity being thrown my way. I wouldn’t have wanted someone to tell ME how I’m feeling and ‘guessing’ that I’ll struggle.

When I eventually got lucky and had to share my pregnancy news I made sure I kept it factual and resisted any sort of comment that sounds like I’m thinking for the other person or predicting their responses.

Good luck with your scan! Exciting times.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 22:56

I know that nothing I can say right now will soften the blow because I've felt that blow myself.

The op hasn’t felt that blow knowing she will never have a child of her own. That’s a very different thing.

neverornow · 21/11/2019 23:01

That's so considerate of you to want to tell her first. You're a lovely friend and Congratulations to you!

I'd keep it short and simple;

"I just wanted to let you know that we've been incredibly lucky, our last round of was successful and we are expecting. I know we haven't been in contact much lately but I am always thinking of you and wanted to thank you for your support"

It might still hurt her but I am pretty sure she'll appreciate hearing the news now and not down the line or via someone else (like your dickhead friend/ex friend)

A friend of mine was TTC at the same time as me and held my hand when I had a MC...3 weeks later she announced her pregnancy on the group WhatsApp with a scan pic and "Eeeks 13 weeks" and referred to the baby as a parasite. It was like taking a bullet. I was genuinely thrilled for her but the lack of sensitivity broke my heart. It completely changed how I felt about her and we've completely drifted apart - you can never be too sensitive I think!

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