AIBU to tell infertile friend about pregnancy first?

[SmoothOrange]

I know a lady who used to go out with a close friend (lots of double dating and holiday with both partners), we stayed in contact as my friend treated her fairly badly and I helped her through some tough times.

We also got back in contact as we had both been referred for fertility treatment.

She began her IVF journey sometime before me. I was able to go for iui and we spoke about our experiences via FB messenger. It was really great to have someone to share this with that understood.

Friend told me that her final IVF had failed (she can not afford anymore) around the same time I was prepping for my first iui treatment.

We had a heart to heart and I supported her (again just via messenger, we never met up). She wished me well on my journey and said to me to please keep her updated on my iui and she is really routing for me.

I didn't update her, we stopped talking - I figured she was grieving and so there was no way I was going to discuss my excitement/nerves etc.

Anyway, I am now 12 weeks pregnant and we have not spoken once since the last conversation.

I am due to announce my pregnancy tomorrow, we have mutual friends so she will find out. However I really want to do this sensitively but am terrified it will be a trigger for her. We often talked about how great it would be if we both got pregnant at the same time and I think whatever way she finds out she will be hurt.

If I try to keep it secret from her i.e. don't tell her then that would be rude. If I do tell her before anyone else, will I come across as gloating? I just don't want to hurt her feelings but also know she will find out eventually.

My friend (her ex) has got a wicked side and I worry that if I tell friend, friend will take great delight in telling her.

She went through IVF as a single woman but has since met someone and seems happy but I do worry.

What do you think? Am I overthinking this?

I like what @neverornow says above. It’s not patronising and it doesn’t make assumptions about how she’ll feel. I also like the acknowledgement that OP has been lucky, because a lot of it does come down to luck at the end of the day.

Don't tell her before your scan!!!

Purple that's my opinion. When people say 'keep me in the loop', it sometimes means 'we must meet up' ie, they don't really mean it. If she did mean it...well, they aren't in touch anymore.

I always return these faces. Have it back.

She must hear it from you first so she is ready with her best face on when others hear. Ideally you'd tell her in person or on the phone, failing that a message. Start with how you valued the mutual support the two of you provided and then tell her she's the very first friend you're telling the good news you can scarcely believe yourself. Then wish her every happiness.

Job done. I've been both sides of this conversation, BTW. Wishing you all the best and congratulations!

Can’t you ring her or meet up it’s seems cold to text her or use Facebook.

I agree with others about:

1. Keeping it factual and not assuming how she should feel.
2. Not sending anything this early.

Or and

1. Tightening your fb settings so the vile, mean asshat can’t see your statuses.

@Pixxie7 I can see why you might think that but as an infertile person i would much prefer a text, private space to process, no need to have to fake an immediate congratulations or have a conversation about their pregnancy, but I can give a genuine message of well wishing once I’ve had a chance to digest the news.

I think most people experiencing infertility prefer to be told by text or email.

Being told face to face is awful. The overwhelming majority of people who are actually struggling to conceive want to be told by text. It’s another one of those actually being sensitive vs doing what you think might be sensitive situations (like talking about how hurt and sad they will be feeling).

I had to do the same with someone that has been trying and has no luck. I told her when I found at at 8 weeks as another friend has told her to be happy with one like herself (when she was pregnant but able to hide it). Really hurt my friend. She thanked me for telling her, but I did it in person rather than message.

Good luck I would tell her

Just an update everyone, if you can call it that.

I have told everyone in work and privately messaged friends and family.

I was hoping to put something on FB for extended family and acquaintances however I still can not bring myself to tell friend.

I don't think I explained my relationship with this person very well.

We only ever knew each other from double dating with her ex (my friend at the time). She asked to be kept updated but has not messaged me since September and her last message to me on FB messenger was "I am not doing very well, this is all beyond hard". I replied then nothing. So the fact I can see that message is mentally preventing me from letting her know.

DP thinks I shouldn't feel guilty and should just go ahead. We haven't seen each other since she broke up with my "friend" back in May 2019 and I am starting to question whether I am overthinking.

I don't even have her mobile number. If it was an actual friend who I speak with every day then I would send the text.

If I do post it on FB, she will still have that time to process it, I would never have considered telling her face to face, as like I said - we don't see each other anymore.

Honestly, if you were only friends through her ex and you’re u likely to ever make plans to see her again, I would just announce your pregnancy on Facebook as you wanted and not message her. It doesn’t sound as if you are particularly close, and you are not responsible for her feelings.

She may or may not find the news upsetting and if you were close friends then yes, I would have sent a message to her. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. I think it’s nice that you want to be considerate of her feelings and struggling with fertility problems must have been difficult for you both but you are entitled to be happy and deserve to enjoy your much longer-for pregnancy.

Based on your update I’d just put it on Facebook. For a close friend I think you tell them first by text but in the situation you’ve described you’re not close friends.

Also congrats and thanks for being considerate and even thinking of this, many don’t.