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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell infertile friend about pregnancy first?

88 replies

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 10:42

I know a lady who used to go out with a close friend (lots of double dating and holiday with both partners), we stayed in contact as my friend treated her fairly badly and I helped her through some tough times.

We also got back in contact as we had both been referred for fertility treatment.

She began her IVF journey sometime before me. I was able to go for iui and we spoke about our experiences via FB messenger. It was really great to have someone to share this with that understood.

Friend told me that her final IVF had failed (she can not afford anymore) around the same time I was prepping for my first iui treatment.

We had a heart to heart and I supported her (again just via messenger, we never met up). She wished me well on my journey and said to me to please keep her updated on my iui and she is really routing for me.

I didn't update her, we stopped talking - I figured she was grieving and so there was no way I was going to discuss my excitement/nerves etc.

Anyway, I am now 12 weeks pregnant and we have not spoken once since the last conversation.

I am due to announce my pregnancy tomorrow, we have mutual friends so she will find out. However I really want to do this sensitively but am terrified it will be a trigger for her. We often talked about how great it would be if we both got pregnant at the same time and I think whatever way she finds out she will be hurt.

If I try to keep it secret from her i.e. don't tell her then that would be rude. If I do tell her before anyone else, will I come across as gloating? I just don't want to hurt her feelings but also know she will find out eventually.

My friend (her ex) has got a wicked side and I worry that if I tell friend, friend will take great delight in telling her.

She went through IVF as a single woman but has since met someone and seems happy but I do worry.

What do you think? Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:28

Whatever you do, don’t tell her face to face and don’t send a scan picture!

PaddingtonBearHardStare · 21/11/2019 11:33

My supposed best friend sent me a picture of her son holding her scan picture when she knew I had secondary infertility. No words from her at all. I've still never really forgiven her nor did I tell her personally when I did finally fall pregnant again.

Congratulations on your news, you sound lovely wanting to this person even though you've drifted apart Thanks

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/11/2019 11:36

Seems like she has already cut you off so there’s no reason to tell her. Seems like her ex has also stopped being your friend so why do you have them both on fb. Remove them both.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:36

My ex-infertile now ex-friend did similar-I got a scan picture announcing she was joining the mummy club. We’d spent years talking together about how upsetting that sort of thing could be.

Original poster
SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 11:37

Oh gosh no I wont send a scan. I am really struggling with finding the words because I know whatever I say will hurt her and I fucking hate the idea of being responsible for that hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 11:38

I think I am going to just keep it off social media entirely and just tell close friends, colleagues and family.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:38

You’re not responsible. Her infertility is responsible. Don’t overthink it. She will be happy for you but sad for herself.

Original poster
SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 11:38

As someone else said, we are not that close so perhaps there isn't actually a need for me to tell her

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:39

Are you likely to remain friends in the future? If yes, you ought to tell her.

Whattodoabout · 21/11/2019 11:44

My friend isn’t infertile but has had multiple miscarriages including a late one earlier this year at 20 weeks. Her friend got pregnant not long after the loss and didn’t know how to tell her at all so kept it from her for as long as possible. My friend felt more hurt she hadn’t felt able to tell her than actually hurt by the baby news. She was happy for her friend but obviously sad for herself. She went to meet the baby last week which raked up lots of emotion, she isn’t bitter about it in any way although it is difficult.

Definitely message her first, just explain that your last round worked out and you’re now 12 weeks pregnant and that you wanted to let her know before announcing it to the world. Hopefully she will react ok but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t respond. Infertility sucks.

StripeyTopRedLips · 21/11/2019 11:48

Not a great solution, she will find out eventually you’ve had a child and feel a lot more betrayed/insulted/shocked I suspect.

Honestly, can’t you see this as you being the kindest you can? You can’t change that you’re pregnant and she isn’t but unless you’re gonna literally block her and never speak to her or any mutual friends again she WILL find out eventually.

MindyStClaire · 21/11/2019 11:51

Honestly, if you've supported each other through fertility treatment I'd tell her. Even if you're not really in touch any more, it sounds like she'll likely find out at some point and probably be very hurt you didn't tell her.

There's some good messages on this thread, I think you should send one of them and leave it up to her whether or not to respond.

IndefatigableMouse · 21/11/2019 11:53

I’d send her a brief message. If she’ll find out eventually it would be kind. Even if she doesn’t reply you’ll have been thoughtful.

ChilliMum · 21/11/2019 12:00

I have been that friend please send her a quick text to let her know. Keep it short and factual (I liked the earlier one a pp suggested that you promised to keep her in the loop) and that you will be telling people soon. That way she is prepared if someone else tells her.

Also big congratulations Flowers for you. A new baby is always wonderful even for those of us who are wishing it was us Smile

Original poster
SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 12:07

What about this:

"Hi , hope you’re ok. I know it's been a long time since we spoke but I just wanted to let you know that my treatment worked and I am now pregnant. I remember you said you wanted to be kept in the loop on hows things go regarding this and I didn’t want you to find out via a Facebook announcement or mutual friend. "

Not sure how to end it. Does it make it clear I am telling her to ensure sensitivity rather than gloating?

OP posts:
Original poster
SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 12:09

Just remembered she is a mutual friend of my SIL too so would definitely find out quickly

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 12:10

Ditch the bit about finding out another way and it sounds absolutely fine. I'd end saying something like “I really valued all the support you gave me during this process”.

It won’t be seen as gloating. It is a factual announcement about your pregnancy.

Mummyshark2018 · 21/11/2019 12:10

Hi op, having gone through ivf myself I can understand how your friend might be feeling. If I were in your position I would write something like

Hi X,

We haven't been in contact in a while. I hope you're well.
I wanted to let you know before I tell other friends that my treatment worked and am now expecting, due x. I just wanted to say thank you for being so supportive whilst I was going through treatment. I am not sure where you are in your journey but I am here if you need me and wish you all the luck in the world.
Love x

GailLondon · 21/11/2019 12:15

MummySharks message above is worded really well I think x

Sweetbabycheezits · 21/11/2019 12:18

I had 2 friends who were struggling with fertility when I found out I was pregnant with DC2. I emailed, rather than rang, because I wanted them both to have the chance to react and process before I spoke to them. They were both appreciative that I gave them the news that way, so maybe something to think about.

Original poster
SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 12:18

The only thing with that message is the part about not being sure where she is in her journey. She has no further funds to continue with IVF and has said she would not adopt. So it is the end of the line for her.

I haven't had my 12 week scan yet, its tomorrow so I will make sure all is ok first, I may hold back a little longer on announcing

OP posts:
cheesewitheverything · 21/11/2019 12:18

Definitely tell her, don't dodge it, and your message above is fine but add thanks for her support when you needed it. She will be fine about it as you can't be the only person who has told her this, but it's kind to tell her first. Congratulations!

fromthefloorboardsup · 21/11/2019 12:18

I'd tell her first and say something like "I know this might be difficult news for you" or acknowledge it in some way. I think it's always better than ignoring it because she'll likely find it hard either way but knowing someone recognises it might be hard for you can be helpful.

Besidesthepoint · 21/11/2019 12:19

What purple daisies said.

She did ask to be kept updated, so I think a short message like this is fine.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 12:21

I think it's always better than ignoring it because she'll likely find it hard either way but knowing someone recognises it might be hard for you can be helpful.

Have you been in the friends position? For me, it always makes it much worse.

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