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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out with a male friend for his birthday

100 replies

Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 10:05

After some advice.
It is my friends birthday and I have been invited out with him and his friends for a meal. We have been friends for almost 25 years, we were best friends as kids and stayed in touch with one another, although we never meet up. Every year he invites me to his birthday meal and every year I say yes, but then have to cancel. My partner has never wanted me to go but this year I told him that I thought he was wrong to stop me going - His argument is that I will be having food with my friend, who is a male and his friends which as far as my partner is concerned are all males even though there will be some women there too. My friends brother will also be there and we were also close as kids so would be nice to see birth of them tbh. I don't think it is unreasonable to go and to be honest I am a bit sick of this shit.
What do people think?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 21/11/2019 10:08

Your partner is a controlling arse.

How long have you been together, do you have kids?

The thing that needs to happen is that you tell him he gets help for his controlling attitude or you will leave him. And you go to the meal.

ToeNailSoup · 21/11/2019 10:10

I think what you do, where you go and with whom has absolutely fuck all to do with your DP if it's not hurting him.

Go, have a great time and tell you DP to grow the fuck up.

Garlicandherb · 21/11/2019 10:10

Your partner is being controlling and that’s not ok.
Insane that you can’t go out with a friend, simply because of the type of genitalia they have. Is your DP that untrusting that he thinks you’ll go for any bloke you’re around?! Life with this guy must be a constant headache!
Do what you want to do, good friends can last forever, crappy DPs don’t have to.

theemmadilemma · 21/11/2019 10:15

Would it matter if you weren't having food?

Either way he's a controlling arse.

lifecouldbeadream · 21/11/2019 10:15

A group meal..... your partner is a prize arse.

Go to the meal.

ChuckleBuckles · 21/11/2019 10:20

His argument is that I will be having food with my friend, who is a male

And does he think that a carvery dinner eaten across a table from a man leads to pregnancy, infidelity or some type of planetary implosion? Is the lure of gravy that he is most worried about, a carrot being just a touch too phallic? A seductive , wanton, buttery mashed potato being just too irresistible? Your "D"P is controlling arse and I have made myself hungry.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/11/2019 10:21

Your partner is BVVU. He's a controlling bastard. If be reconsidering the whole relationship.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/11/2019 10:21

*I'd be

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/11/2019 10:21

You will be having food with a male friend? Don't forget the condoms!

Your partners a knob. Go to the meal.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/11/2019 10:23

His argument is that I will be having food with my friend
I'm assuming that every time you eat, you turn into a raging nymphomaniac and have to have sex on the table there and then with whomever is available? Hence why you can't be trusted to go out to dinner with him without your pants falling off and his penis ending up inside you??

Or your H is a controlling arse and your friend is a really good mate to keep inviting you knowing you'll probably cancel

kristallen · 21/11/2019 10:30

He's controlling.

And I'm guessing that if you're asking this, then there's a whole lot more you're not asking about but probably should...

kristallen · 21/11/2019 10:41

So YABU not to go out with your friend.

I suspect your friend has some inkling about this aspect of your OH because he keeps asking you year after year when you accept, then decline. He's clearly not reading you letting him down as you not wanting to be there...

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 11:20

Lol at chucklebuckles 😂😂. My friend has just got used to it, he doesn't question it or make a big deal of it to be fair. We are always saying that we should catch up, but he knows my partner as always been this way so he he probably knows from the outset it is unlikely to happen. Besides, he has is own group of friends that are allowed to see him lol.
My partner and i have three children and to be honest, he used to make a big deal about me going out full stop - led to lots of feeling of resentment. Especially since I was 17 when we get together and now at 32 I am thinking I should never have put up with it!
In terms of going for the meal, I believe I should go. The reason I never do, is because I will just be filled with anxiety and feeling like I've done something wrong. Apparently 'I am pushing the boundaries'

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/11/2019 11:30

Please consider ending it with this controlling idiot of a man op. You should be free to go out when you want and with whoever you want.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:31

Ditch the partner, go to the meal.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:32

Why would you want to be with sleekness who doesn’t trust you? Regardless of what he says, it’s entirely normal to have friends if the opposite sex and to spend time with them. It isn’t pushing boundaries.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:33

Sleekness? That should say someone.

PixieDustt · 21/11/2019 11:35

He's is controlling and you need to leave.
Pushing boundaries!! Is he serious? OP if that arsehole sees going out as pushing boundaries you need to leave ASAP and take kids with you. Wtaf.
You've done nothing wrong. He will tell you you have but you haven't.

StripeyTopRedLips · 21/11/2019 11:35

Wtf!

You don’t ‘have to cancel’ every time. Your friend sounds very forgiving given that he keeps inviting you despite you continually letting him down on his birthday year after year.

Go!

Damntheman · 21/11/2019 11:39

Wow your partner is a controlling arse indeed! Don't listen to him, you're not pushing boundaries, he's trying to control and contain you and cut you off from everyone.

Go to the dinner and have fun while you're at it! I'd also advise you to put your phone on silent while you're out and don't look at it so he can't ruin your evening out.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 21/11/2019 11:41

Your partner is very controlling. There is nothing unreasonable about you meeting up with friends, male or female. There is a lot unreasonable about him trying to prevent you doing so.

Your partner's behaviour isn't normal or acceptable. You don't have to let him treat you this way.

Crackerofdoom · 21/11/2019 11:41

OP,
You may be in a relationship with this man but he does not own you.

He has no right to stop you going for a meal with your friend.

You have been with him since you were very young and for a very long time but I promise you, this kind of control over you is not normal or OK.

Go to your meal, in the knowledge that you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. If there are repercussions with your partner, be confident that it is a problem with him and not with you.

If there are repercussions, then please consider leaving him. You don't deserve to live the next 17 years in a cage and your children need to see what a normal, healthy relationship is.

Have some Wine on me :-)

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/11/2019 11:42

What is attractive about your DP, OP? He's a misogynist, clearly not very bright if he thinks there is a wrongdoing in eating bloody food as a woman with other men present Confused, controlling, abusive (not wanting you to go out, my goodness), doesn't care about your happiness or your other relationships or your feelings because the priority for him appears to be that you exist to make sure he is secure and happy 24/7. He has manipulated you into being a second class citizen in a relationship where he is in charge of you when push comes to shove, and you acknowledge it by obeying. He doesn't trust you, or worse, thinks as a woman you are not capable of cogent thought in behaving properly around men Confused

Why do you put up with this OP? You are not responsible for his insecurities and distrust of women, why should your life be the one that is altered in miserable ways to cater for it. Huge red flags, not normal, and I'd have chirpily dumped him the first time he told me I wasn't going to a friends meal on the basis of my gender and his own deep rooted issues.

SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 11:45

Wow. I could not be with someone who doesn't love me enough to be my own person.

You know what they say about non trusting partners..

Wattagoose90 · 21/11/2019 11:45

Wooooahh.

Standard control and isolation tactics and he's making you feel like you're doing something wrong for going out/wanting to.

It's not right. Hopefully all the hundreds of people flocking to say the same thing will reinforce this for you.