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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out with a male friend for his birthday

100 replies

Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 10:05

After some advice.
It is my friends birthday and I have been invited out with him and his friends for a meal. We have been friends for almost 25 years, we were best friends as kids and stayed in touch with one another, although we never meet up. Every year he invites me to his birthday meal and every year I say yes, but then have to cancel. My partner has never wanted me to go but this year I told him that I thought he was wrong to stop me going - His argument is that I will be having food with my friend, who is a male and his friends which as far as my partner is concerned are all males even though there will be some women there too. My friends brother will also be there and we were also close as kids so would be nice to see birth of them tbh. I don't think it is unreasonable to go and to be honest I am a bit sick of this shit.
What do people think?

OP posts:
SmoothOrange · 21/11/2019 11:46

should read love me enough to allow me to be my own person

PepsiLola · 21/11/2019 11:48

Pushing boundaries?

Jesus your husband is a controlling knob!

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 11:52

If I know what you are all saying is right, then why do I keep questioning myself.
I think that if I can't be myself then there is no point. I also think I feel anxious because I know that even if my partner doesn't say anything, the vibe I will get will make me feel like shit.
The best of it is and this is what I said to him, is that he seems to think its OK to talk to randomers online and ask for 'naughty pics'. Reckons he is just having a laugh. Now that is pushing the boundaries.
Someone send help and wine, lots of wine!!

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/11/2019 11:53

@Fuzzyhead88 because he's conditioned you to believe that everything he says is right and true.

Wow he's really done a number on you hasn't he? He's the cheat and he's scared you'll do the same. What a prick.

WWlOOlWW · 21/11/2019 11:54

Your husband is an abusive knob. Why are you still with him ?

Damntheman · 21/11/2019 11:55

because he's conditioned you to believe that everything he says is right and true Bingo

LEJOG · 21/11/2019 11:57

He sounds like a complete twat OP. I put up with years of this shit before I finally divorced my exH and I will absolutely NOT tolerate it now. From anyone. "Naughty pics" ugh, what a horrible man. Have my first LTB.

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 11:57

To be fair, I probably would push the boundaries. I might get that excited that I'm out, that I dance on the tables, start a food fight and refuse to go home! 😂😂😬

OP posts:
Auberjean · 21/11/2019 11:57

Your problem is you, in that you believe that you can't do something if he doesn't approve it.

FelixFelicis6 · 21/11/2019 12:00

It’s so sad that you’ve accepted this as your life Sad Good, healthy relationships aren’t like this at all OP. I go out with male friends all the time, talk to who I want, when I want, whatever.

Horehound · 21/11/2019 12:01

What the fuck. He is projecting his shitty behaviour onto you.
Leave him, op! You've wasted years on him ffs

Inebriati · 21/11/2019 12:02

What would be the consequences if you did go? Would you be safe?

beela · 21/11/2019 12:04

Pushing the boundaries??

I had lunch with a male friend yesterday. It was just me and him. My dh didn't bat an eyelid, he just asked how he was.

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 12:09

I would be safe. He has never been violent. Its just the feelings of guilt I would be left with. Its used to be the same if I wanted to go out with my best mate, although he doesn't say anything if I go out with girlfriends these days. However, he will still comment on what I wear I.e. its backless. Thankfully, I don't like wearing short skirts, but if I did....would never hear the end of it!
I think there is also a problem in that he doesn't have any friends that he goes out with, so seems to think that if I want to go out it should be with him. I avoid that because I can't really have fun and the next day he will bring something up that I have said or done. Hence the guilty anxious feeling.

OP posts:
Wild123 · 21/11/2019 12:12

He is BVU and should not get to tell you that you can not go out with your friends, men or women. Go have fun and do not feel bad or guilty about it.

My OH was and still is a bit funny with me going out on my own with my best male friend of 17 years but i told him on our first date this guy is in my life and if he doesnt like it then tough.. we only meet up 5-6 times a year and talk once or twice a month (sometimes more if we are going through shit) hardly basis of an affair!

AryaStarkWolf · 21/11/2019 12:15

YANBU

Rainycloudyday · 21/11/2019 12:15

It’s really worrying how jokey and jovial you sound about you abusive wanker of a partner. So you’re unmarried and have three children. Can I ask, whose idea was it not to be married. Is your name on your house? Do you have independent earning power and your own pension?

SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 12:18

Guilty for going out? Come on, you are an adult and a mother. What example are you setting your children? Do you have daughters? Would you want this for them ?

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 12:19

I have to be jovial or I would just sit in misery.
My name is not on the mortgage not that to matters as it is negative equity anyway.
I am studying for a degree at the min and work on top of that - cant work enough to earn a full wage though.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 21/11/2019 12:20

Have to agree with others, this is not about who will be there, this is about trust.
If he doesn't trust you enough to go out, than I dont see what basis you have for a relationship

Havaina · 21/11/2019 12:32

The best of it is and this is what I said to him, is that he seems to think its OK to talk to randomers online and ask for 'naughty pics'. Reckons he is just having a laugh. Now that is pushing the boundaries.

He’s a hypocrite then as well as controlling and abusive.

Why are you even with him?!

Spudina · 21/11/2019 12:40

OP, how dare he ban you from seeing your friend, whilst at the same time flirting with women online. Fuck that. That’s no way to live.

Motoko · 21/11/2019 12:44

OP, you should do the Freedom Programme. It will teach you what a healthy relationship looks like. You've been in this one since you were still legally a child, so you don't have any other experience to compare it with.

Your partner is abusive. How long do you have until you've finished your studying? I think you should do some extra reading, on the Women's Aid website, for how to plan to leave. This relationship is not good for your mental health, and it's modelling shit relationships to your children, who will most likely end up in similar relationships.

Go out with your friend for his birthday. It will make his b/day extra special that you've actually turned up. Ignore any comments or vibes you get from your partner, he's trying to isolate and control you.

And if you ever feel unsafe around your partner, call the police.

GinaCarbonara · 21/11/2019 13:47

How old was your partner when you got together, out of interest?

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 14:40

Much older than me.

OP posts:
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