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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out with a male friend for his birthday

100 replies

Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 10:05

After some advice.
It is my friends birthday and I have been invited out with him and his friends for a meal. We have been friends for almost 25 years, we were best friends as kids and stayed in touch with one another, although we never meet up. Every year he invites me to his birthday meal and every year I say yes, but then have to cancel. My partner has never wanted me to go but this year I told him that I thought he was wrong to stop me going - His argument is that I will be having food with my friend, who is a male and his friends which as far as my partner is concerned are all males even though there will be some women there too. My friends brother will also be there and we were also close as kids so would be nice to see birth of them tbh. I don't think it is unreasonable to go and to be honest I am a bit sick of this shit.
What do people think?

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 21/11/2019 14:47

Wow. He sounds horrible OP
He doesnt like you having friends
He doesnt like you going out
He uses moods to create a nasty atmosphere to get you to behave in a way that he wants
He even thinks he can control what you wear
But messaging women to ask for naughty pics (what most people would consider cheating) is fine for him (presumably if you asked someone you'd met online for a dick pic this would not be ok with him)

He doesnt trust you because a. He is controlling and when you're not with him he cant control your behaviour and b. He cant behave himself and is judging you by his standards of what he thinks he'd end up doing if he was out with a load of women

Ellapaella · 21/11/2019 15:23

My ex was like this. He went out with his friends whenever he pleased but when I did I would be subject to days of sulking afterwards, constant texts throughout the night asking where I was and when I would be back etc. I was Young at the time and came to believe this was normal. Surprise surprise I found out he was having an affair with someone else when I was 7 pregnant.

When I met my current DH and he never batted an eyelid when I went out without him, never asked when I would be home and basically behaved like a normal human being and not a controlling arse it took some getting used to.
You get conditioned into thinking it's normal for people to behave like this in relationships and it's really really not.

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 15:37

I have directly told my friend I won't be going and also why. Avoided this previously and just made excuses. Needless to say I was probably right when I didn't explain this to him, as he is now quite pissed off and insisting that I go regardless

OP posts:
eyeswideshit · 21/11/2019 15:39

He hasn't been physically violent because you follow the 'rules'. Push the boundaries, act like he does, and I'd bet that he would start getting violent.

StripeyTopRedLips · 21/11/2019 15:43

Fair enough, you’ve made your decision. Are you planning to take any of the responses here on board and make any changes for the future?

PatriciaHolm · 21/11/2019 15:45

Your partner is abusive. He's been grooming you since you were a teenager to do as you are told, whilst he does whatever he likes.

Is this the role model relationship you want for your kids? Do you want them in this position in 10-15 years?

Havaina · 21/11/2019 15:51

I have directly told my friend I won't be going and also why.

I hope you will change your mind and go?

newyorker74 · 21/11/2019 15:57

I have a dear male friend who - shock horror - I travel with pretty much on a monthly basis for work. This involves dinner, drinks and all sorts none of which my husband has ever had an issue with. Honestly, this is not a good situation for you to be in. What do you think would happen (outside of you feeling guilty) if you said you were going this year?

Pinkbonbon · 21/11/2019 15:59

Pft, seriously just go.

Its a friend youve known since childhood, in a group setting. Your husband doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Hate to say it but I agree that your partner is controlling. I bet he punishes you for doing things he doesn't like. Eg: by throwing strops/silebt treatments, by accusing you of things you haven't done, withdrawing affection, nasty comments ect...

You are still young, get out while you can before you waste your whole life with this git. And go to your friends party fs.

midnightmisssuki · 21/11/2019 16:05

Your partner is an idiot. Is he always this controlling? Go! Have a good time.

Bobbi73 · 21/11/2019 16:14

You are in an abusive relationship. Just because he hasn't been violent doesn't make it ok. He has been gas lighting you for years making you feel that can't even go out with a friend. I know it's not easy to leave someone, particularly in your vulnerable state but is there anyone you could go and stay with for a while with the kids so you can get some distance and perspective. My friend is in a relationship like this and it's heartbreaking to watch.
How would you feel if someone treated one of your children like this in the future. What advice would you give them?

User3421090989098 · 21/11/2019 16:19

Tell him to get to fuck and go and enjoy yourself

SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 16:36

I'm sure your friend is pissed off with your idiot dickhead boyfriend not you.

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 16:49

I think I might just go and see what is said after - its not something I've done before so knows what will happen. I very much doubt he would be violent, it just isn't in his nature. It willl be more sulking and no doubt complaining about something or other.
Your right, I need out. It isn't always as straight forward and simple as that though

OP posts:
Motoko · 21/11/2019 16:57

Your friend isn't in an abusive relationship, so he doesn't understand. That's why he's pissed off.

Are you just going to carry on living like this, or are you going to take on board what people here are telling you?

We know it's hard to think that you're being abused, because it's all you've known in your relationship, it's your "normal". But we're not saying all this for shits and giggles, this is serious.

Many of us have also suffered from abusive relationships, so know how important it is to get out, how hard it is, but also how it's much better to be out of it.

Please have a read of the Woman's Aid website, and the Freedom Programme, and then start thinking about ending this relationship. It's not good for you or your children.

Bouledeneige · 21/11/2019 18:14

Are you fucking kidding? Of course you should go. It's not the Victorian era. I can't imagine allowing your partner to tell you who you can spend time with.

I was best man for my male friend and go out with him for meals and drinks all the time.

ActualHornist · 22/11/2019 09:27

Fuck me. This is really sad to read.

You’re 32 are you happy with the next 30-40-50 years being like this?! Not allowed to see male friends for some reason?

You know this is wrong or you wouldn’t have posted. Even if you’re using a light tone.

Bet your husband is 25+ years older than you, and has basically groomed you to accept this. It’s not acceptable at all.

Motoko · 22/11/2019 10:31

Grooming being the right word, considering OP was only 17, still legally a minor, when they got together.

I wonder how old the girls/women are, who he asks for "naughty" pics from. Using the term "naughty" makes it sound innocuous, but it's far from it. If any of them are under 18, the police would be very interested.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 10:40

@Motoko not at all. I was 17 when I met DP who is 10 years older than me. I was categorically not groomed and we are 100% equal in our relationship.

Some people mature much more quickly than others and, at 17, i was much more capable in life in general than my sister is now at 26.

TanteRose · 22/11/2019 10:43

Threads like this just make me want to weep...
Time and again.Sad

champagneandfromage50 · 22/11/2019 10:47

So you cancel going to your friends birthday meal every year because your DO makes you feel your doing something wrong. Really? Go to your friends birthday meal and perhaps take some time to reflect on your relationship with your DP

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 22/11/2019 11:03

Do you have any daughters OP?

If one of your daughters in a few years time came home and told you they have a boyfriend, you met him and he was exactly like your husband what would you think? If she came to you and off handedly said 'oh yeah my friend from uni invited me out for Christmas drinks on Saturday! How lovely. Obviously I can't go though as X won't let me" would you not be horrified?

If it was your son who came home and casually mentioned he wasn't allowing his wife/girlfriend to wear something they wanted to, or to see a friend she wanted to, what would you think?

I hope you would be horrified and disgusted. If you would be shocked by that behaviour, why on earth are you allowing yourself to be treated this way? And quite frankly, rolling over so easily and allowing it is just shows your poor children this behaviour is fine because mum allows it!

Fast forward 20 years and they're in the same position you are because you never showed them you weren't going to stand for it, so they think it's normal.

My heart breaks for you OP, I can feel your frustration. He's already taken your 20s from you, please don't allow him to ruin anymore of your life. And if you won't think of yourself and misguidedly believe it's not bad enough to leave, then PLEASE think of your children and how this will effect them.

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 22/11/2019 11:11

Thank you for all the advice
The only thing I think is a bit of a leap is assuming I was groomed and that he is asking for picture from young girls. Grown women actually, not that it is right.
I was very young indeed however as someone else pointed out I was mature for my age. Had already left home etc.

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/11/2019 11:15

@GiveHerHellFromUs But OP's partner is abusive, so it does apply in this situation.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 11:16

@Motoko being abusive makes him an abuser, it doesn't mean she was groomed.

The two are not mutually inclusive.

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