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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out with a male friend for his birthday

100 replies

Fuzzyhead88 · 21/11/2019 10:05

After some advice.
It is my friends birthday and I have been invited out with him and his friends for a meal. We have been friends for almost 25 years, we were best friends as kids and stayed in touch with one another, although we never meet up. Every year he invites me to his birthday meal and every year I say yes, but then have to cancel. My partner has never wanted me to go but this year I told him that I thought he was wrong to stop me going - His argument is that I will be having food with my friend, who is a male and his friends which as far as my partner is concerned are all males even though there will be some women there too. My friends brother will also be there and we were also close as kids so would be nice to see birth of them tbh. I don't think it is unreasonable to go and to be honest I am a bit sick of this shit.
What do people think?

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/11/2019 11:19

Your partner is abusive OP, he has groomed you to accept his treatment of you, that's why you wouldn't go out with your friend.

ActualHornist · 22/11/2019 14:00

^^ what Motoko says.

Whether you want to admit it or not, it is grooming for a much older man to get together with a teenager - they do it so they have a pet they can control for the rest of their lives. Which is exactly how you’re living. It’s not necessarily about liking very young girls.

You might have moved out at 17 but that doesn’t mean anything. You were an adolescent with no life experience - and if your life experience was being abused by your parents then you’ve gone from one abusive household to another.

I’m sure this is hard for you to read. I’m sure you’ll come back with lots of reasons why it isn’t true and why he’s actually a good guy aside from the controlling your every move.

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 23/11/2019 15:35

So, I've decides to go.
My partner has so far said he has said how he feels and I'm going ahead anyway and he doesn't know why were together

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 23/11/2019 15:51

Wow he's pulled out the abusers' script big guns dam fast. Straight to the we will split up threats if you'd do exactly what i tell you. Wtf.

Call his bluff. Go out. Dance on tables. Claim a normal life back. And hope to fuck he's true to his word and is packed and ready to leave when you return swinging your high heels in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. At about 5am!

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/11/2019 15:52

DON'T do exactly ....- obviously!

Damntheman · 23/11/2019 16:06

I'm completely unsurprised by the revelation that he feels only his feelings matter in your relationship OP.

Glad you've decided to go anyway! Good for you.

Motoko · 23/11/2019 17:37

Yep. He doesn't like you having a mind of your own, because he can't control you. By saying he doesn't know why you're together, he's trying to get you worrying that he'll leave if you don't do as he says.

The thing is, you'd be better off if he did leave, but he has no intention of leaving, he just wants to continue the status quo. Even if he did go through with leaving, he wouldn't leave you alone, he would expect you to beg him to come back, and then he'll say he'll only come back if you never speak to your friend again, and put other demands on you to control you even more, while openly flouting those restrictions and rules himself.

I'm glad you've decided to go, I hope you follow through, and have a great night out with your friend.

FenellaVelour · 23/11/2019 17:47

How old was your partner when you got together, out of interest?

The exact question I was going to ask, Gina, and I’m not at all surprised to hear he’s much older. He preyed on you as a teenager as you would be easier to manipulate and control than a woman his own age. He’s really done a number on you.

He asks now why you’re together? God knows I don’t know the answer to that. I honestly think you need to leave.

puds11 · 23/11/2019 17:57

I don’t know why you’re together either Hmm

Butchyrestingface · 23/11/2019 18:07

The best of it is and this is what I said to him, is that he seems to think its OK to talk to randomers online and ask for 'naughty pics'. Reckons he is just having a laugh. Now that is pushing the boundaries.

Oh God, and you’re only 32. Imagine another 30-40 years of this shite. 😥

Once you get that degree, I hope you’re out the door like a hare out of a trap.

Horehound · 23/11/2019 18:10

So theres only a point to a relationship if you never go out? Confused

MrsMoastyToasty · 23/11/2019 18:13

What speaks volumes to me is the fact that your DP hasn't been invited by your friend. Does your friend dislike your DP?

Babooshkar · 23/11/2019 18:19

Is this all you want for your life and that of your kids?

hammeringinmyhead · 23/11/2019 18:23

I would respond that you don't know why you're together either. What a sweaty arsehole he is. Bin him off!

Whatsername7 · 23/11/2019 18:28

From what you have posted here, your partner is abusive. You are a victim of coercive control. You can't see this because you have become numb to it. My dh and I have been together since we were 18. We have 2 kids. Our marriage has its ups and downs. BUT, he has never stopped me from going out with friends. DH was even fine with me being picked up by a male work colleague to go to our Christmas party. Did the whole 'be back by midnight or she will turn into a pumpkin' joke. He never even questioned the male element because he trusts me. You need to take a step back and try and look at your relationship from an outsiders POV. How many times do you have to sacrifice something you want to keep him happy? How much say do you get over what you do/wear? How often do you feel your walk on egg shells? What you have described so far is not normal.

Branleuse · 23/11/2019 18:41

his being very unreasonable. Its an old schoolfriend ffs. What the hell is he thinking youll do

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 23/11/2019 18:51

I questioned inviting him and why I don't want him to come. The answer is that I will feel on edge all night and then the next day he will make a comment about oh you said this oh you did that. Can't be arsed with that. An example is when we went out one night on saint Patrick's day. I put a hat on that said "kiss me quick I'm Irish". He got right face on. I thought it was just a joke, but apparently it wasn't funny. Things like that make me feel uncomfortable going out with him full stop

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/11/2019 21:24

Things like that make me feel uncomfortable going out with him full stop.

I'm not surprised. He sounds dreadful. Do you want your future to go on looking that controlled? I'd be sick of it too.

I totally agree with PP who have said that an older man starting a relationship with a 17 year old is grooming her. I'm sure you felt very independent at 17 but you can't have had much experience of relationships. This man is controlling and unreasonable. He's also manipulative. I get that you're not in a position to move out immediately but you surely don't intend to put up with him ad infinitum?

I hope you have a lovely night out. His response the next day will tell you a lot.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 23/11/2019 22:06

Oh this makes for depressing reading, you're 32 and have been in a controlling relationship your entire adult life, a d have children who will repeat this cycle unless you stop it.

Your OH sought you out as you were young and pliable.
It is disgusting that he is asking women for photos. It is disgusting that he insults your character so much as if going out with a male friend you won't be able to control yourself.
And you make all your decisions based on his reaction.
This is controlling and coercive behaviour, it won't get better and violence hasn't happened because it hasn't been needed yet as you have tied the line so far, or he gets more of a kick out of controlling you with mind games.

I feel so sorry for you and even more sorry for your children.

Original poster
Fuzzyhead88 · 24/11/2019 10:22

His response last night was to ask me what I wanted to do about the relationship. I said didn't know and he said what is he to do then, just wait around until I do know.
Realistically, I should have just said I'm not willing to put up with his shitty possessive behaviour anymore.
He also said he should have been invited. I tiled him why I didn't want him there I.e. I can't relax because he will make some comment.
Feel like I have to name a decision now and commumucate exactly what I want. Problem is, I feel like I can't say the full extent of what I'm thinking - it will hem me in to a corner where the only thing I can say is I want out. I know its selfish, but I can't just leave just yet. There's kids, housing, and the fact that he will make it as difficult as possible

OP posts:
Frownette · 24/11/2019 10:38

I'm glad that you decided to go. You'll enjoy seeing your friend who has your best interests at heart and can talk to properly, and then you have time to think about your relationship and detangling.

Frownette · 24/11/2019 10:40

First hurdle is just seeing your friend. Of course he can't invite himself, it's not his friend.

Motoko · 24/11/2019 11:44

Start getting ready to leave. Have a look at the benefits calculator and CMS to see what benefits you're likely to get, and how much maintenance he has to pay. Maintenance isn't included in benefit calculations.

Can't remember if you said if you're renting or own. Are you on the lease/mortgage?

Start saving some money.

Leaving is scary, especially as you've never lived on your own, but it's just fear of the unknown. Loads of women do it, with children in tow, so it can be done.

When I left my abusive ex, I got all the information I could find, and I'd mentally detached from him. Although it was scary, once it was done, it was much better, and I was much happier. Think of the freedom you'll have, you'll even be able to invite your friend round for coffee!

HotSauceCommittee · 24/11/2019 11:55

Keep talking on here, OP.
Sounds like he’s done a right number on you.
15 years! 15 years of not being able to go out with your best mate. Because of your partner, who sulks, implies he’ll end the relationship if you fail to do as he wants while he is a faithless creep online. IS it worth it? Does he make you happy? Does he do kind things for you and make you laugh?
You are still young. You won’t get the 15 years of your life back, but you have so many years ahead of you to have fun.

Sandals19 · 24/11/2019 14:18

He sounds extremely controlling.

And a total hypocrite. Sounds like he's judging you and everyone else by his own standards.

And now you've stood up for yourself a little bit, he's basically blackmailing you/putting you over a barrel about your entire relationship. Implying if you do this one small thing, your relationship is over (and family broken up). Absolutely crazy.

I agree with other posters that it's also suspicious he's older and went for you young given his behaviour.

Have you read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? It covers physical abuse but is actually about all kinds of controlling and abusive behaviour.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

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