to think my partner should contribute more

[Wineandcheese88]

I’m after a female perspective. I’m a man who is in a relationship with two step children. I pay for every household bill some children’s clothes and half of the weekly shopping. I earn a fairly good wage and my partner earns 1/3 of what I earn. All her income is hers except some school activities and the bits I mention above. Is this fair, whenever it is brought up I’m told I’m unreasonable so haven’t bothered bringing it up again.

Doesn't sound fair to me. Where is the children's father in all this? Is he paying maintenance?

Yes she gets maintenance as well

I think you know the answer to this...

She’s taking the piss

Do you object because you think you're paying too much or you think she should pay all kids related costs ie she should pay 3/4 of food costs because they eat 3/4 of food? Not attacking, just wondering.

I'm with a man who owns twice what I do and I have 1 DD from a previous rship whose dad will not pay maintenance (separate issue!) I pay all childcare/ clothing costs etc for DD and we split everything else 66-34

Sorry, meant earns not owns!

No I think I should contribute towards the children as well which I do.

Are you actually married?

You haven't listed a lot of expenses but if she cannot comit to sitting down and going through every last thing with you when you have tried to discuss it then yanbu

do you live in her house or your house, or do you rent together?

If its your home and you own it then perhaps take the mortgage out of the equation because you are not married and, depending upon how long you have been together, you may wish to protect your property.

Then general consensus is generally that partners contribute to household bills/grocery proportionally to their income. She lives in the house - you have lost your single person discount on council tax, she is using the gas/elec, she and her children are eating the food - if she lived alone she would be covering those costs

what outgoings does she have? apart from being a nice bloke, why are you buying her kids clothes when she has her own, and their dad's money. what is she spending that on?

She should pay something towards the household bills. She is unreasonable with not wanting to even discuss it and go through the finances with you.

I think if your wage is 1:3 Then that's the way the outgoings should be split.

Tot up the bills, add in a food budget then split into quarters. She pays one quarter of this and you pay 3.

I think you need to work out another way. you don't mention housing - do you pay that too? Or is it hers?

Maintenance is to pay for the children - their keep and their clothing etc, the maintenance from the partner is meant to be half the cost (but we know that is all bollix for th most part) so my view would be that you and she put all the money in one place, allocate out spending money to each of you and all other costs come out of whats left (allocate the spending based on budget etc)

Alternatively, an amount to contribute to the childrens costs is agreed and paid into the pot, she then pays a proportionate amount of costs left as do you (based on what is earnt) and whatever each of you has left you do as you please with - she pays for extras for the kids and clothing etc as presumably she would have some of the maintenance left to cover some of that

Basically you need to decide and AGREE between you how to do it so you are not left basically paying for the kids

No It doesn't sound fair at all.

What are your long term plans? Time was, people used to live together as a kind of "trial marriage" - to see if they are compatable. Nowadays it's more about financial needs. Except in this case its about her financial needs.

Who pays for the mortgage/ rent etc?

I don’t think you should be paying for any of the children’s clothes etc - your partner’s income, child benefit and maintenance should cover this. I also think she should be paying for some of the bills - if she earns 1/3 of your earnings she should be paying at least 1/3 of the bills, especially considering she has 2 children using the utilities.

Normally couples work it so they have similar disposable income.

Has she lost benefits because you moved in etc?

Yeah I think it depends how much disposable income you both have afterwards?

Whose house is it? Does she have childcare expenses?

@MyNewBearTotoro, that's a lodger arrangement, not a blended family one.

If the person moving in doesn't consider themselves a Stepparent then they shouldn't move in. I say that as the Stepparent.

Without knowing the sums, I can't answer this. Maybe she earns 50K and you earn 150K. Or maybe she takes home £100 a week and you take home £300. Does she actually have any money left over after getting the things she needs to get?

It doesn't sound like you're that committed. Is that true? I don't think you are sharing your finances at all or maybe even working as a partnership in a different way.

There’s nowhere near enough detail to go on.

You pay more, but you earn more.
You say you’re happy to contribute to her children. Do you actually see them as stepchildren, or did you just use that as a shorthand for “my girlfriend’s children who are not mine”?

One fair way to do it, if you’re truly a long term partnership, taking financial responsibility for her children, is to pay all bills (including savings) and split the rest to have equal spending money.

That’s actually not what I do (grown up steps who don’t live with us, never have with me, I’m the higher earner, two secondary aged still at home with me of my own). I have more disposable income than my husband. He’s happy because we worked it out very openly, and both agree that as he chooses to work part time in a low pressure job, it’s fair that I don’t give him money I’ve worked ping pressured hours for. The important points for us, are that I may keep more for me:

• but put most into a pension we’ll both live off
• I cover all bills so though he has less than me, he actually has loads more than before he moved in
• I pay for lots of extras like holidays
• crucially, we were open about it and check in with each other on it sometimes. (actually, last time we checked he had MORE than me after I paid my pension, which benefits him too)

There are very many ways to skin a cat.
But both have to be open and understanding to find the best way for you.

We own the house in joint names, I pay the mortgage. £20k v £60k I consider the children to be mine and treat them as such

Are you being deliberately obstructive?

That kind of salary is £1400 / £3600 take home. No CB for her due to your 60K. Let’s assume £300 CMS.

My mortgage and bills are £1K so I’m going to assume the same for you. See how I’ve said assume twice already? You are not giving anything like enough info!

£3600

• £1000 mortgage and all bill
• £150 half of food shop
• £50 kids clothes

= £2400 left

So even before she pays a penny on half the food shop and those school activities, you’ve got £700 a month more than her.

Come back with some numbers before anyone can comment.

I have very little left over after bills mortgage etc.

“Very little left over” means nothing. It’s all relative.
What do YOU gave leftover, vs what does SHE have leftover?

So on 20k she buys half the food bills and half the clothes .

Bills should be split 2/3 to you 1/3 to her imo.