to think my partner should contribute more

[Wineandcheese88]

I’m after a female perspective. I’m a man who is in a relationship with two step children. I pay for every household bill some children’s clothes and half of the weekly shopping. I earn a fairly good wage and my partner earns 1/3 of what I earn. All her income is hers except some school activities and the bits I mention above. Is this fair, whenever it is brought up I’m told I’m unreasonable so haven’t bothered bringing it up again.

No benefits were given up, one thing I didn’t add is that we have an annex we rent out. Of that over half is paid to her. My half of the money has gone to improve the house, I have no idea where her half goes. I know I’m sounding bitter and I don’t want to be but I feel like I’m being stitched up like a kipper.

I earn three times more than she does so I feel it would be fair that bills are split in that ratio. Including children’s activities clothes etc

You have decided to become a family so bills, food, clothes, gifts and repairs comes out of family money. That is money in the pot shared FAIRLY not equally.
You earn more so your contribution is more.
If she earned more would you be on here asking mumsnet if she was paying too much and should you contribute more?

Why not put both wages in a joint account then after bills, food, cloths, kids clubs etc what's left is split 50 50? That way you both have an equal share of personal money.

Ellisandra

The op.said his partner pays for half of the food and some school expenses so op.pays for everything else.

The budget that you gave didn't cover car costs - tax, insurance, maintenance, - household insurance, TV licence, broadband, pension, savings.

You've allowed £1000 for bills and mortgage. I know it's relative but where I live £1000 wouldn't cover the mortgage (or rent).on a family home so you may be grossly underestimating.

You need to sit her down and work out current costs - what you pay v what she pays

Then regig the costs

It you have to include everything - kids are expensive - gifts trips clubs shoes uniform days out holidays haircuts school wanting cash for stuff, and then see where you are

Agree with cochineal7's suggestion

The budget that you gave didn't cover car costs - tax, insurance, maintenance, - household insurance, TV licence, broadband, pension, savings.

We don't know that he has a car and pays into a pension though as the OP is refusing to give any detail which would enable people to share more meaningful thoughts. I think there may be a reason why he's not answered questions which people have asked repeatedly. Perhaps the detail will sway people to thinking differently and he's not really interested in a balanced view - just in people agreeing with him.

What’s the distribution of household chores and stuff like? It’s all good and well for everyone to say she needs to pay more, but for all we know she could be doing 100% of the cooking and cleaning, food shopping, washing, and general home maintenance etc.

There are other ways to contribute to a household besides money.

Are you including the maintenance she gets in the analysis- eg does her income = a 1/3rd of yours taking into account maintenance? or before maintenance - and how much of a difference does it make?

If she has lots more spare money than you that's not fair/right

If you consider the children a family with you then my advice in families is equal fun money and equal time off. You're saying you have less money left than her, that's not OK.

Shes hit the jackpot with you hasnt she??

Have you tried to discuss this with her? Who put the deposit in the house? Is that protected?

This is financial abuse, OP (on her part).

Whomaid the house deposit?

*Who paid

So you're paying all of the bills, including the mortgage which is in joint names? She has all of her money to spend a she wishes after paying only half of the food bill?

So she could be building up a nice nest egg of savings that should you split you'd have no claim on because you aren't married but she'd be entitled to half of the house because it's in joint names.

Be careful op.

If you were my son, id be telling you to sell the house and start over again. A partner is supposed to be an equal not see the other as a cashpoint which so many seem to feel men are.

You put all yours and all her money in the pot. Everything joint including the child and travel come from the pot.

Joint savings come from the pot.

You both take equal spending money from the pot.

That’s fair.

How old are the children? As there are no childcare costs I’m guessing they are old enough to take themselves to and from school?

Do you both work full time?

What is the distribution of housework etc?

So are you saying she gets about £1500 a month, including maintenance and only pays out £40 a month for childcare activities and pays for any clothes the children may need?

If that is the case then no, it isn’t fair at all as I’m guessing she has a lot more money than you at the end of the month whilst you subsidise everything.

I earn three times more than she does so I feel it would be fair that bills are split in that ratio. Including children’s activities clothes etc

That would leave you with more disposable income than her. Would that feel OK to you and her? It wouldn't to me but I know some other mumsnetters see it differently. Would you also split household work 1/3, 2/3 or would you do 50/50? If you leave her to do most of it whilst taking more money that doesn't seem right to me.

If you truly pay everything, house, car, insurance, TV, gas, electric, food, etc etc then you are being stitched up.
She gets her wages, child maintenence, and half the rent from the annex. and pays out £10 in after school club and clothes. She really did see you coming.
You can treat kids like your own without paying out for everything and being a mug.

I haven’t meant to withhold any details, all bills insurance, heat light, everything is paid by me. She has a car owned out right and pays bills for her car but very little use, less than a tank of petrol a month, I pay the car insurance for both cars. All weekend driving is in my car. Holidays are paid for myself. Deposit for the house was 99% paid for by myself. No childcare costs both at primary school.

as others have said 1/3 from her and 2/3 from you is fair, and the rent should maybe taken separate and used as a maintenance and repair fund, rather than fun money, ( BTW this is important if you split and sell up, as you have put more into the house and you wont get that back in the event of a sale)
you shouldn't have to be funding her children, she should be covering most bills for them out of the CMS, its not fun money for her to use, if you chose to pay for them AWESOME! but she also shouldn't be expecting you to do so..
you sound like a really great guy, but i think you are perhaps being taken advantage off a bit, maybe it didnt start out that way but you paying 90% of the costs and her 10% ( and some personal things) isnt really fair... that number needs to change to a fairer more partnership level

Your take home pay won't be 3x hers due to how tax works. Plus if you pay into a pension, she will be entitled to some child benefit, because your 'effective income' will be less than £60k, unless you also have a company car, which also affects things.

It sounds like she currently has a lot more spending money than you because she only pays for some groceries, minimal afterschool clubs and some of DCs clothing, while you pay for everything else and her income is made up of her salary, maintenance and over half the rental income for the annex - does this count as 'rent a room' or is it a self contained annex so the income is taxable?

If that was the case, it would be better for the income to be hers on paper, because there would be less tax to pay, although it's probably worth discussing this with an accountant.

Although unless you have a huge mortgage, I would have thought that you should both have a decent amount of spending money with £80k income, plus maintenance and rental income.

Seeing as you seem to be happy to contribute to the DC costs, the fairest thing to do would be to pool all your incomes (salaries, rental income, any CB, maintenance) and pay all joint costs including mortgage, bills, groceries, car costs, DC costs, house maintenance, savings for annual and irregular expenses like insurance, holidays, appliance maintenance etc out of that and then split the remaining 50/50 as personal spending money, but I suspect that she wouldn't like that as she would end up with less money.

You say you don't know what she spends money on - does she have expensive hobbies, spend a lot on grooming, clothes etc, always decorating the house, buying new furnishings, spends a lot on food, always eating lunch out or travelling by taxi, or could she have a lot of savings that you don't know about? Do you both have decent pensions?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I did make the point that my £1000 was an assumption - and that was my point, we really can’t say who is unreasonable if we don’t know the number!

I chose £1000 because that’s my mortgage and all bills. I don’t count savings or pensions as bills. So that £1000 does actually cover all the things you say - like car tax, broadband...

OP’s question is meaningless without more details. My £1000 could easily be £2000 to someone else, based on mortgage differential alone.

This really is getting blood out of a stone.

No, as a general rule, you should not have less disposable income than her.

But there could be so many things that sway that. Not least if you are paying off debts from before you met her.

Why did you agree to this in the first place?
I don’t mean that in an aggressive “why the fuck did you?” way, but in a way that remembering why you agreed it may shine a light on why you thought it was fair. Or if you were bullied into it.

You say she gets more than half of the annex rent money - WHY?

Even that’s not simple. You say your half from that has gone into home improvements. That might not be unfair - if it’s improvements that are want not need, and she didn’t want them. When my XH wanted you spend £2K on a TV I told him “the fuck is that coming out of the household account” - which we’d usually use for, say - a sofa or a set of saucepans.

I’m 90% thinking that it’s unfair she has more disposable income... but 10% thinks your reluctance to share any detail or reasoning means there could well be something that changes my mind.

Like your car... hers is owned outright. Are you like my XH, less disposable cash than me because he was spunking £450 a month on a leased high end Mercedes? (which incidentally was not a contributing factor to the divorce! We were happy with our financials and he never complained I had more money - he knew what he was choosing to spend his on)

As everyone is saying, you need to look at all the details you together. If she won’t do that - then she’s being unreasonable (even if it turns out the bills split is actually fair).