to think my partner should contribute more

[Wineandcheese88]

I’m after a female perspective. I’m a man who is in a relationship with two step children. I pay for every household bill some children’s clothes and half of the weekly shopping. I earn a fairly good wage and my partner earns 1/3 of what I earn. All her income is hers except some school activities and the bits I mention above. Is this fair, whenever it is brought up I’m told I’m unreasonable so haven’t bothered bringing it up again.

Btw: I don’t think I can offer you “a female perspective”. I can offer you a maths perspective though!

Yeah, we need some numbers here. If she's on £20k it seems that she will have sacrificed tax credits and child benefit to live with you.

Does she pay childcare? How old are the children? How much are all the bills, mortgage etc? How much maintenance does she get on top of her salary? Do either of you have debt? Need much more info to be able to judge whether it's fair.

I’d also be interested to know how long you’ve been living together, what you agreed - and why you agreed it - and if anything has changed significantly since.

How much is very little left?

I am female, in a relationship with a male. We live together and are not legally joined. I have a child from a previous relationship (as does he, but his child lives solely with their mother).

We have been together since she was 8 months old (we knew each other as friends/colleagues for years before that), and he moved in when she was just 2 (she is now almost 9).

My partner pays for almost everything because he is employed and I am not; my daughter is home educated, and I am doing a part-time Masters. If it makes me more employable I may end up working when she's older. He knew I was intending to home educate her before he moved in.

My only income is child benefit/child tax credits, which is spent on groceries for us all, and child maintenance, which pays for one day of forest school per week (which is in a court order, so I couldn't change that anyway).

His wages pay for the rent, the bills (including his dog's expenses), child maintenance for his child, and equal savings and leisure/activity money for each of us.

I am an active member of the housing co-op we live in, which saves us money as the rent is significantly cheaper than any other living arrangement, so I'm contributing in that way.

Is it possible your partner spends more on her child than you realise? It does add up. And how much leisure money do you each end up with?

Also from my female perspective - it depends on what your bills are.

Debt from before you met her? Not her responsibility.

My XH and I split almost all bills equally. We earned similarly. We did not split our car repayments or insurance - we paid our own. I chose a £1500 I bought outright, he spent £450 a month on finance for something quite flashy. We both agreed that wasn’t a bill, but spends. We weren’t petty about it - I paid half of the most expensive Sky package that I didn’t want! But £225 share on his choice of car? No.

It’s quite nuanced. This is where WHY you agreed what you did, matters.

How long have you been together? Who owns the house. How old are the children? Why was it decided that you would be the primary breadwinner and her wages would be hers alone?

rosie, what would you have done about this home educating if someone hadn't come along and paid most of your bills? Also what is your plan for when you are moved onto UC, which everyone will be, and your income significantly reduced?

@dontalltalkatonce

Why is that relevant to this thread?

I am a single mother with three kids. Were I to move in with a man with no children, would assume I would pay 4/5 of the bills that are based on usage; electricity, food, etc., because I represent 4 people using these services, vs. his 1 person. So, if the electric bill was $100, I'd pay $80 and he'd pay $20.

As far as the mortgage, I'd expect to pay in proportion to my income.

yes she should. she should pay more for her kids, clothes etcif your paying all the bills.

but numbers would help

Wine, how much do you actually take home, how much do you pay on mortgage and basic household bills and how much do you guys spend on food shopping? Do you have more or less left after paying essentials like this than your OH?

It’s all relative really and no one can answer you without clear figures. Ultimately you should aim to have similar disposable incomes

Hi,

I have 2 DC and am on DH#2 so he's their step dad. Kids live with us 50% of the time so no child support in either direction. We own the house as tennants in common and split bills 50/50. I buy food the weeks the kids are here and DH buys it the weeks they are at their dad's. DH earns 40% more than me but we're both earning a fair whack with him just over £100k.

I pay for all kids expenses e.g bus pass, school meals, school trips, clothes, pocket money etc. Family holidays are 50/50 and DH isn't mean with money so pays for plenty of ad hoc stuff.

You both have to think it's fair. Some people think my arrangement is odd because I pay for the kids stuff but they're my kids so why wouldn't I?

"We own the house in joint names, I pay the mortgage"

Fuck me she saw you coming

There seems to be two main ways of splitting finances on mumsnet -

Pooling your money, paying the bills, the same spending money each, and saving jointly

Separate finances but pay mortgage and bills in proportion to your earnings

What does she think is unfair about the current arrangement?

I always think its unfair if one partner either -
Works much harder than the other without the other picking up the slack at home, or
Has so much more disposable income that they go out for nice meals and events with their friends and their partner can only afford a takeaway once a month

I think you should have have a joint spreadsheet. Schedule some time to discuss it and if she tries to avoid it then you need to discuss the fact that this an issue.

Don't assume she has more money left as she may also assume you are left with more each month.

Conversations about finances have to be had or else there is resentment

I would be putting all money (earnings, maintenance, benefits etc) into a joint account, working out how much you need to cover bills/ food etc per month and how much will be leftover. Half of what’s left goes into joint saving account and the rest is split equally into individual accounts so you each have the same amount of leisure money lefts

Why don't you approach it from the other way? Make a proper joint spreadsheet of all your & her income and all your & her necessary outgoings per month, including for the children which you say you see as your own so I assume you will treat them as such. Then see what is left each month. Save some in a joint account for a rainy day, and divide any extras in a ratio based on contribution, or anything you both find fair. That way everything is paid, and both have spending money.

I have two kids earn less than a third of dps wage and one child is both of ours. He pays a higher share of mortgage to clear it quicker but I pay almost half what it is supposed to be. I do most of the food shopping and kids expenses he does the house hold bills but I pay the TV licence and the sky bill except for his sky sports package. Trips I tend to cover unless expensive or short then he covers some. Your partner needs to contribute more. I would suggest writing down your incomes each and how much the bills are. Then do it as a percentage so if your on 3 times hers maybe you pay 2 thirds for example and she pays the other.

@TriciaH87 how can you say that his girlfriend needs to contribute more, when the OP hasn’t bothered to give us any numbers beyond a top line earnings?! No numbers behind a single outgoing.

On the example I gave (based on my outgoings) OP would have hundreds more spends than his girlfriend.

The only thing we can say with any certainty on this thread is that “a female perspective” is many varied experiences and solutions!

As asked, has she given up benefits to live with you?

What was agreed beforehand?

How does each of your disposal income compare?

Are you now realising how much a house with children in costs and are changing the goalposts?

I think what’s important here is that you both have the same amount of disposable income after all expenses are paid. Do you? If one of you has more then that’s not fair

I always vote for a joint account in these cases. If you are committed together and happy to be so then why not. Then its what you have left over as a couple rather than your money and her money?

I earn over 5 times as much as my husband and that’s how we run things. I have two dsc and one dd of my own, we have one ds between us.

Technically I pay for all the bills and his wages would cover fuel and some of the shopping but because it’s all one pot it doesn’t look or feel like that.

If you wouldn’t be happy with that because she would have access to all your money then perhaps have an amount you take for yourself as savings.

I have much less disposable income after bills. The only thing she pays for is after school clubs which is c£10 per week and some of the shopping and clothes as mentioned before. Anything that goes wrong with the house is me as well as general bills. Every single bill you could think of I pay. No childcare costs.