AIBU to confront my Son's teenage GF over her abusive behavior towards him?

[jacqroberts68]

My Son has been seeing it seemed a nice girl for nearly a year they are both 18 (my son a few mths older) she often stays over and he at her parents house. On several occasions I have heard her screaming at him and was upset that she not only did this to my son who is laid back and placid, but if she did this in my house in full ear shot of his family what does she do when alone with him? Don't get me wrong he can be really annoying when he doesn't listen or seems disinterested but to scream the way she does was shocking! I told my Son I was concerned and he said "oh she just like that she doesn't mean it" I told him it would escalate. Well it seems it has, after paying for a meal for them both they had an argument which resulted in her smacking him round the head while he was driving her home. She then prevented him from leaving for an hour when he got to her house. She also mocked him when he resorted to smacking himself in frustration (which he told me he does) when she has goes at him. She even said to him oh you would probably kill yourself over me. I told him to finish with her which he said he would coz he had taken more that enough from her. But now he going to see her tonight and really worried. Do I say something to her?

I think I probably would, out of pure anger, but I'm not sure if it would be the correct thing to do. This is an impossible situation OP, I hope he manages to safely remove her from his life.

No say nothing to her. She has the power to isolate your son from you.
Talk to him, work on his self esteem, show him he always has an out with you.
Be seen to be nice to her so she doesn’t isolate him.
I’d also get him to watch the bbc 3 murdered by my boyfriend to show how it escalates.

Also make sure he’s double bagging it!! He does not need to be tied to her forever.

I am so sorry he’s going through this

Can you not just ban her from your house for screaming in your house OP, ( obviously you can't ban him going to hers)

I would worry that you trying to say something to her would make things worse. It would allow her to paint you in the role of horrible, interfering mother to your ds - she could then tell him that you are just trying to sabotage their relationship and happiness.

You need to equip your ds with the tools he needs to make the right decision.

I would find it extremely hard not to say something too op. I’m not sure it’s the right or wrong thing but I think it’s a protective thing. DP would go fucken mental and probably ban her from the house which is not really very useful

What would you say?

How do you stop him accepting the abuse?

Hopefully he will end the relationship.

All banning will do is push him to hers more or move in together. It won’t stop it happening.

Give him the tools to deal with it himself. Role play if you have to, this has worked a treat for me in getting my ASD son to stand up for himself.

And if she kicks off in your house.... Make her leave. Anything under you roof like that is your business.

I'd say something, she's a nightmare & your son sounds vulnerable. Is he getting help for the hitting himself (that's a red flag mental health wise if that's his coping strategy when stressed or upset).

That sounds awful and I'm sorry for your DS. I agree with Kevin. I'd be wary of her refusing to come to your house so him spending more time at hers.

If he will listen, could you ask him what he thinks would happen if he was doing these things to her? Hopefully he'll see how wring it is and that he doesn't have to put up with it.

What @SaveKevin said.

This may be extreme but would your son consider reporting her to the police for assaulting him?

They are both adults (!) so will have to work things out themselves. You are there for your DS in the best way, listening and advising, but you can't make him so anything.

What you can do, though, is stop welcoming this woman into your home. That is your call. I think most people would ban a visitor who screamed and carried on like that. A ban will make it easier for your DS to detach himself, too.

I think it's him you need to concentrate on. It's good he talks to you and tells you this, so keep that line open. He needs to finish with her. But I don't think you should interfere yet. You need to make sure he realises this isn't normal behaviour. Because, if you say something, they finish, he could simply end up in a similar relationship.

Encourage him to end it with her. By text or over the phone if necessary. But I would not contact her directly. I would however refuse to let her into my house again for not respecting the people who live there.

There are domestic abuse services for men, he can phone them or you can look up online to help him see this Behavioural is not ok towards him. Second watching abused by my girlfriend also.

If it was boy hitting your daughter I’m assuming you’d say something.
I definitely would not have her in the house again and I’d tell her why.

You need to be clever about this. Don't play into her hands, no shouting or banning even though you want too. Keep talking to your son, keep telling him these things are not ok behaviours.

There’s a thread at th moment about women abusing men, there are some charity’s out there (like women’s aid). Have a google and speak to them about ways to support him.

Do not make it an ‘us against the world’ by banning her, he will stop telling you what’s happening, as you will be making his life harder. His aim is to appease her, keep his head down and out of ‘trouble’ (whatever pisses her off). Don’t make his life harder, make you his confidant, his safe place, his peace. Don’t add to his conflict.

Here’s one charity mentioned www.mankind.org.uk
It says they welcome calls from mothers!

You need to tread very carefully. There is huge potential here for your son to end up in a long-term abusive relationship from which he cannot escape. She is likely to work quite hard to isolate him from all sources of support, including his family and friends and he will probably believe that allowing this is the right thing to do.

I've been where you are now and we only managed to hold onto my 18 year old DD by the skin of our teeth.

Do everything in your power to keep your relationship with your DS intact. Don't criticise her to him. If you want to discuss her behaviour, ask questions about why she would do those things so you get him to think. Just be puzzled, not angry (outwardly at least).

Don't challenge her. She will probably use that as the way to remove you from his life.

My DD was told within the first few weeks of the relationship that she needed to distance herself from us to show she was committed to being with her abuser. She believed him.

Read everything you can about domestic abuse and coercive control. Make yourself an expert in what is happening to your son.

Welcome her into your home whenever possible. If she doesn't feel welcome, she will make him choose.

Try to find opportunities to spend time alone with him. Remind him how much you love him and that you will always be there for him no matter what.

If he says things or makes decisions that hurt you, tell yourself that this is her, acting through him. Once he is out of the relationship, he will look back and wonder why he did those things. Don't allow it to damage your relationship with him because it may be his only lifeline.

The time my DD was in the abusive relationship was horrific. I knew that losing her was a very real danger. I was terrified and felt powerless to help her.

Every second I spent in his company, my instincts were screaming at me to get him out of our lives, my house, etc and I had to squash them down and be delightful to him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I got my daughter back and she has now recovered. Her abuser should have gone to prison but, predictably, there was not enough evidence of his crimes to prosecute him.

I hope the outcome is good for you too

This is awful
Someone mentioned further up about the documentary Murdered by my bf on bbc. But there is also one on there where a young girl abused her bf and almost killed him after isolating him from all his friends and family so if you can find It I’d show him that .

I can't add much to the good advice here, keep loving and supporting your son. Keep a diary of all incidents that you are aware of. This maybe useful in future. He may minimise the extent of what's happening but shown a diary of incidents it might solidify how wrong this is to him. Talk to the professionals and get advice. Ensure he knows that your door is always open and you are on his side. With the screaming at him in your house, this just shows how powerful she feels she is. When this happens, count to ten, keep calm, knock on the door and say you heard shouting are they both OK? It's not aggressive on your part but you are intervening and you can guage her reaction to being caught in the act. What an awful situation, I hope it gets sorted safely for you.

@comps83
That sounds a better one to watch. I haven’t seen that one, is it a bbc3 one?
I think the murdered by my girlfriend should be shown in schools. It’s utterly horrific, but fantastic.

The abusive girlfriend one- it was completely crazy, he wasnt a weak guy, just very placid and trusting.

Lucky to find its still on Iplayer

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0700912/abused-by-my-girlfriend

Umm, I may sound harsh but I'd ban that bitch from my house and tell her if she comes near my son again I'll give her a slap...and I would.
I'd be telling my son to stay away from her, he's worth more than a silly little bully.
If she still lives with her parents I'd be telling them too to keep their bitch daughter away from my child.
Things like this make my blood absolutely boil and if I were in this situation I wouldn't be very diplomatic.