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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to confront my Son's teenage GF over her abusive behavior towards him?

81 replies

jacqroberts68 · 20/11/2019 16:54

My Son has been seeing it seemed a nice girl for nearly a year they are both 18 (my son a few mths older) she often stays over and he at her parents house. On several occasions I have heard her screaming at him and was upset that she not only did this to my son who is laid back and placid, but if she did this in my house in full ear shot of his family what does she do when alone with him? Don't get me wrong he can be really annoying when he doesn't listen or seems disinterested but to scream the way she does was shocking! I told my Son I was concerned and he said "oh she just like that she doesn't mean it" I told him it would escalate. Well it seems it has, after paying for a meal for them both they had an argument which resulted in her smacking him round the head while he was driving her home. She then prevented him from leaving for an hour when he got to her house. She also mocked him when he resorted to smacking himself in frustration (which he told me he does) when she has goes at him. She even said to him oh you would probably kill yourself over me. I told him to finish with her which he said he would coz he had taken more that enough from her. But now he going to see her tonight and really worried. Do I say something to her?

OP posts:

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 20/11/2019 18:11

I would say something. He needs to know that it is not normal. This is his first relationship i presume.
Stick your head around the door and say "lot of shouting going on, what on earth?"
Dont normalise it by not reacting!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2019 18:22

I agreed with @TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre 's post... and also with the pp who suggested keeping a diary. He's talking to you and has said he wants to end it, so he knows you are supportive.
I don't think Id ban her from the house.. I'd want them there to keep an eye on things as calmly as possible.. and if she did kick off as @SlightlyBonkersQFA said don't normalise it by not reacting but by calmly talking. Hopefully, If she's in a real rage and kicks off at you.. He will see what it looks like to others and that may help tip things over. Good luck x

FizzyIce · 20/11/2019 18:39

I’d be tempted to go up to his room if I heard her shouting at him and ask whats going on so she’s knows you know .
I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing though as if they don’t come to your house then you have no idea what she’s doing to him somewhere else.
It’s hard though as the mum in me would want to grab her by the throat and chuck her onto the street if I heard her doing that to my son.

SaveKevin · 20/11/2019 20:08

And this is exactly why you should speak to someone like mankind.
If you get this wrong, your going to make it 10 times worse.

HollowTalk · 20/11/2019 20:10

I’d be tempted to go up to his room if I heard her shouting at him and ask whats going on so she’s knows you know

I would do this, too. I'd do anything I could to get him to end that relationship.

Original poster

jacqroberts68 · 21/11/2019 10:27

Thanks so much for all the advice I have decided that if she does anything in my home I will ask her what is going off. He back with her so I don't want to not be his confident, I hope when she goes off to UNi they will naturally drift apart.

OP posts:

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 21/11/2019 15:55

It might be worth keeping a close eye. Maybe having you point out how unacceptable her behaviour is will make her look at herself. If she doesn't she'll probably tell YOU to fuck off and maybe that will make your son see what he is dealing with.

He's young, they both are. He'll soon get fed up of it. My brother was going out with a girl who was a bit "intense". He said it started small, sulks, storming off etc. He just excused most of it. She wasn't always horrible so he could forgive the odd sulk. Then news years eve when he got a geveric text from his ex from about 6 years previous "Happy New Year all" type thing that was obviously sent to all her contacts, she saw the message first and threw the phone at his head and demanded to know "What the fuck is this?" That was the night he walked out and never went back. Apologies and tears had no affect after that.

Keep an eye on your son, and definitely keep the lines of communication open. Reiterate how everyone deserves to be in a happy relationship

Bamalaz · 21/11/2019 16:38

Just wanted to say, if it hasn't been said already, if you switched the genders and your son was actually your daughter, how would people handle the situation in this case?

Just trying to bring another perspective for you OP, hope your son is rid of her very soon!

SaveKevin · 21/11/2019 17:02

I was your son (but genders switched) that’s where my perspective comes from.
My parents piling on pressure stopped me talking, stopped me asking for help, pushed me further to him. He used it further to isolate me, “are you taking their side?”
“I can’t believe your listening to them”
“No one will love you like I do”
“Eugh, why are you bothering with them”
“You’ll have to come round to mine, as I’m not coming to yours”
“Let’s move in together so your parents get off your back”

Drip drip drip.
Please speak to professionals before doing anything. Not us.

SandyY2K · 21/11/2019 17:07

Yes..Jordan Worth was the first woman convicted and jailed for coercive control.

Let him read what she did to her BF.

luckygreeneyes · 21/11/2019 17:10

I’d also talk to him about contraception, it’d be a disaster if she was to fall pregnant

Jeschara · 21/11/2019 17:13

I hope he does finish with her, she is controlling and it will escalate. He is too young to deal with this shit. She may need help, but that is not his problem.

I would not say anything though as she may mock him more calling him a Mummy's boy , he does not need that either. I hope he makes the right decision.

newnameforthis76 · 21/11/2019 17:15

My nephew was in a relationship that sounds very much like this and it will only get worse. I wouldn't confront the girl, but I would have a very serious chat with your son. I

cherryblossomgin · 21/11/2019 17:16

Make sure he knows that he always has the option to leave and he can come home anytime.

Personally I would say something to her so she knows that you are aware of her behaviour. Why not make him watch the domestic violence doc on BBC about the man who was abused. It might click with him.

SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 17:26

I suggest a talk from the police would sort this little cow out.

Your poor son.

Please don't stay away when she's abusing your son in your house. Don't go and ask her what is going on the next time she screams at him but go and tell her to pack it in and leave and if she goes near him again or contacts him in any way you'll call the police. I fully accept this might be wrong but it's how I feel.

UnitedRoad · 21/11/2019 17:36

I would.

My 18 year old treated her lovely boyfriend like dirt and it was heartbreaking to see. I told him many many times that he could do better, and he would just tell me how beautiful she was. 😡

Eventually she broke up with him and he was devastated. It was sad because he was lovely, but she’s too headstrong, angry and rude for someone soft.

Since they’ve broken up we've talked, and she said she liked him but knew he wasn’t for her, and she was doing everything she could to get him to break up with her. She showed me pictures if him on Instagram with his new, and very pretty, girlfriend. They look so so happy, and my daughter said she’s genuinely delighted for him. She’s single and doesn’t seem interested in finding someone else.

Your sons girlfriend needs to hear it from someone, and your son needs to see it’s not acceptable behaviour.

IdiotInDisguise · 21/11/2019 17:43

I would be tempted to do a “my house my rules” and just interrupt the abuse with a polite “we do not abuse people in this house, if you don’t stop, I will need to ask you to leave”.

Honestly, if she is doing that in your house and in earshot, I would be very concerned about what she does when nobody is present.

Mummaofmytribe · 21/11/2019 17:44

I had this in reverse. My then teen DD's bf was very abusive. I bided my time till I caught him on the hop alone. And then I threatened him with some really dire consequences. Pointed out that if he told anyone they would never believe him that I would say what I'd said. (It was full on).
It worked. He vanished.
Not saying it's right for you. And it was risky. But I couldn't see how to get rid of him without him further isolating her.
So I used his own tactic against him- bullying and intimidation.
My DD was changing before my eyes. Told me very little but I overheard him threatening to kill himself if she left him and that was the final straw. Found out later he was selfharming and making her watch and before that I caught him letting himself into our home I the early hours (he'd been hiding outside warchinv8for my OH to leave for work).
You are obviously a very aware and protective mother so your son will be ok because he has you in his corner.

Poppinjay · 21/11/2019 17:45

I fully accept this might be wrong but it's how I feel.

It was exactly how I felt. I'm very glad I didn't do it.

My DD's abuser moved straight on to one of her friends. Her mother did what you would do and now has no contact with her DD at all. Her DD is now totally isolated from all forms of support and, despite the efforts of various people and agencies, there is nothing anyone can do about it.

IdiotInDisguise · 21/11/2019 17:49

Ps. He has started to harm himself (smacking himself) please make your son aware that women abusers exist and that there is nothing unmanly in turning his back at them.

SongforSal · 21/11/2019 18:08

You hear her talk to your son like that again, you step in. If it were me I would literally tell her to fuck off out of my house.

Think of it this way. If he was 10yrs old, and getting smacked and shouted at by another 10 yr old, you'd step in. Its your house, she's an adult, he's an adult and also needs him Mum to help him navigate what you know is wrong.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 21/11/2019 18:08

University is months away !
Hopefully he'll see the light long before then .

What does she do behind closed doors? Well smacking him round the head when driving he should've stopped the car , got her out and called a uber for her ( I hope he would be chivalrous enough not to leave her at the side of the road . She doesn't deserve courtesy any more than he deserves a smack , but there is safety to consider)

She thinks he'd kill himself over her ? She has a mighty high opinion of herself .

And YY , make sure he doesn't even think about unprotected sex. You do not want your family bound to her for the rest of your lifetime .

CoraPirbright · 21/11/2019 18:35

Wow thanks for the link Patroclus. Very scary stuff.

SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 18:36

Poppinjay - I never said it was what I would do.

CoraPirbright · 21/11/2019 18:38

OP do not rely on things just petering out when they go to university. Back in my day, staying in touch required landline calls or (gasp) handwritten letters! But nowadays messaging is instantaneous and SO easy that things do not drift as they did in my day. Keep those lines of communication open - so good that he can still talk to you.

Do you have any mates with c.18 yr old daughters? Or cousins or anything? I would invite them over frequently, not in the hopes that he will fancy them or anything, but simply to illustrate what a happy, jolly, normal 18 year old girl looks like, ie not a harpy who shrieks at him.

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