AIBU to confront my Son's teenage GF over her abusive behavior towards him?

[jacqroberts68]

My Son has been seeing it seemed a nice girl for nearly a year they are both 18 (my son a few mths older) she often stays over and he at her parents house. On several occasions I have heard her screaming at him and was upset that she not only did this to my son who is laid back and placid, but if she did this in my house in full ear shot of his family what does she do when alone with him? Don't get me wrong he can be really annoying when he doesn't listen or seems disinterested but to scream the way she does was shocking! I told my Son I was concerned and he said "oh she just like that she doesn't mean it" I told him it would escalate. Well it seems it has, after paying for a meal for them both they had an argument which resulted in her smacking him round the head while he was driving her home. She then prevented him from leaving for an hour when he got to her house. She also mocked him when he resorted to smacking himself in frustration (which he told me he does) when she has goes at him. She even said to him oh you would probably kill yourself over me. I told him to finish with her which he said he would coz he had taken more that enough from her. But now he going to see her tonight and really worried. Do I say something to her?

Can you get someone he looks up to to have a word with him ??

I'd be making it very clear to her that you know her game and have an eye on her........I'd also be trying to get the incident in the car logged with the police.

I never said it was what I would do.

OK. Let me rephrase that part of my response for you.

My DD's abuser moved straight on to one of her friends. Her mother did what you advied the OP to do and now has no contact with her DD at all. Her DD is now totally isolated from all forms of support and, despite the efforts of various people and agencies, there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I'm not sure that's any better

The point is that doing what you feel like doing in this sort of situation could have catastrophic consequences.

There is no way I would see my ds starting to slap himself and still do nothing. I just couldn't. If wonder if OP's dc been a DD and said she her DD was being slapped and was now slapping herself, wether the advise would still be not saying anything to the BF yet.

Its not just the fact OP's DS is being slapped but he is now slapping himself. That's a sign of a serious mental health issue. I think the time for gently building up his self esteem so he breaks it off with her naturally is long past and someone needs to step in.

Talk to your DS not the GF. Your DS is an adult but as his parent you can help him find strategies to deal with his personal problems.

I'd struggle not to lamp her if she hit my son.
I'd tell her she's not welcome in your house until she treats him properly

Work on building your sins self esteem so he doesn't put up with this crap

If wonder if OP's dc been a DD and said she her DD was being slapped and was now slapping herself, wether the advise would still be not saying anything to the BF yet.

FFS! I saw the bruises, listened to the insults and witnessed the mental anguish in my DD. Coercive control is a powerful tool and the potential for losing your loved one if you make one wrong move is huge.

Of course working on building up his self esteem is a great idea but when the abuser is putting in the same amount of effort from a much more powerful position to break it down it is not always that easy.

Of course working on building up his self esteem is a great idea but when the abuser is putting in the same amount of effort from a much more powerful position to break it down it is not always that easy.

You don't seem to agree with the advice of saying something to the GF nor the advice of other posters to not speak to the GF but build up his self esteem, so what is it your solution?

Ihave said I agree that building up his self esteem is a good idea. However, with an abuser working against you, it isn't that likely to cause the relationship to end.

I posted my advice to the OP upthread.

@poppinjay were you the poster whose dd was pressured in to not inviting you and her father to her graduation? I remember that thread. If that was you, respect, 🙌

were you the poster whose dd was pressured in to not inviting you and her father to her graduation?

No. That wasn't me. I am grateful every day that my DD managed to get away and that, despite his best efforts, he didn't succeed in destroying her degree.

under my roof "get the fuck out" would be appropriate to her.

I would workon your son's self esteem and have a chat about safe sex. She sounds barmy.

I'm sorry your ds is going through this.
I agree with other posters who say look at the websites supporting men in every relationships.

A good way to let your ds figure it out for himself is to show him information about healthy relationships... ask him to answer what is a healthy relationship (not aloud, just for his own knowledge) and then get him to tick all of the things that are in his relationship. He doesn't need to show you. He just needs to realise for himself how bad things are.

Keep your relationship with him non judgmental and hopefully he will keep talking to you. You sound lovely. I hope things work out

She sounds awful, OP, quite unhinged. I think he needs to hear that he doesn't need to put up with this, that he is worth more, and that her behaviour is very wrong. And that the pattern of abuse is usually one of escalation.

DP was in a relationship that was very abusive - for 19 years! (He would have left sooner, but didn't want to leave his son with his ex, he eventually left when DSS was 17). She was financially, emotionally and physically abusive.

One night, when they were both pissed, she went into an abusive rant
and ended up throwing something at him. It cut an artery in his temple. Their lodger insisted on taking him to hospital, he'd never have gone of his own accord, and a friend and one of his siblings more or less staged an intervention.

I swear she'd have killed him if he'd stayed. I knew them both pretty well, and I had no idea this was going on - I thought they just had a volatile relationship, the way some couples do.

I hope he manages to end this relationship, the sooner the better.

Yes I wouldn’t sweep this under the carpet for looking like your interfering.
I know you can’t stop your son from being with this girl and sometimes interfering can drive them towards the person that is wrong for them.

I’m sorry your son is going through this. Tempting though it would be, especially in a moment of emotion or anger, to ban her from the house I think it would be a mistake. You then have no sight of what’s going on and she will isolate him from you. As other posters have said, stay close to him, show you are there, give him the tools and strength to get out of the relationship.

I’m sorry that this is happening to your son.
If you had an 18 year old daughter being screamed at and smacked around the head by an 18 year old man, would you tolerate it? Women strive for equality now. Why should she be treated any differently than an adult male would be for screaming at a woman?
Personally, she’d never set foot in my house again. Your son needs to be shown that he is worth more than that. xxx

@Catgirl this is what i can't understand. I can't imagine why anyone would wait a minute longer. I would stage an intervention first for her never to set foot near my house again and then work on building ds's confidence and get some therapy as well. She also slapped him whilst he was driving, he could have had an accident. This is clearly a disturbed woman.

Thank goodness @Poppinjay

I know we all merrily post our advice and we all think that we are so reasonable that the young person being controlled just needs to hear reason but I remember well how obligated i somehow felt to please my abusive x, how i felt his emotions not my own.

@poppinjay I am so pleased she’s out of it, and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Thank goodness she had you

This is it @SlightlyBonkersQFA when your in it, deep down you know it’s wrong. But the manipulation and control is so deep that your just keeping your head down trying to appease them for the next 5 minutes and then the next 5 minutes. Looking further is too hard, if you keep themhappy, your life is quiet and that’s all anyone wants. My councillor described as being on high alert like a prey animal all the time. Utterly exhausting.

Why should she be treated any differently than an adult male would be for screaming at a woman?

Who is suggesting she should be treated differently because she is a woman?

All of my advice is to manage the situation in exactly the same way I managed a male abuser.

@SaveKevin, Thank you

Well you’re all much better people than I am because I’d grab the vicious little bastard by the throat and throw her out of my house

Why should she be treated any differently than an adult male would be for screaming at a woman?

My advice is the same regardless of gender. It’s based on having lived it at 18 with a male abuser

Poppinjay - there is absolutely no need or reason for you to rephrase anything I have written.

Given I wouldn't do it it would not have any consequences never mind catastrophic ones

Don’t ignore this as some have suggested, domestic violence needs to be exposed for what it is - abuse - and perpetrators and targets supported to break the cycle. I’d really recommend giving your son the tools to be empowered to challenge her behaviour as he’s more likely to maintain the changes or seperation whichever he chooses - google power and control wheel to give him food for thought about how the abuse may be manifesting itself other than the physical incidents.
You could offer to refuse to let her in the home but with his agreement, he can use you as the scapegoat for the decision and get some breathing space. He’s at such a crucial age for forming healthy relationships with women, needs all the support you can to ensure he becomes a great partner/husband/dad in the future