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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To respond "**** off"

101 replies

Worriedmum1511 · 20/11/2019 16:41

Massive back story. Ex was an abusive asshole. He has a conviction for assault by beating and threats to kill towards me. Then in family court admitted 45 further incidents. He got given zero direct or indirect contact, prohibited steps order etc.

At the time his mother made my life miserable. Kept reporting me to social services. Had the police hammering on my door one morning having reported me for abuse.

She could see I was struggling as at the time I had a 10 week old and a SEN just turned 2 year old and instead of ever offering help she made life miserable.

Fast forward 2yr10m and I get a letter pleading for contact with the kids and to put "the rubbish behind us".

Part of me wants the kids to know their family, part of me doesn't trust her an inch and part of me despises her. I could put the despising behind me but is there really any good that can come from this?

OP posts:

Inertia · 20/11/2019 18:50

No. Protect your children.

You are their family- they don't need actively harmful people in their lives. This woman tried to rip your newborn and your toddler away from you when you were all at your most vulnerable- you owe her nothing.

Span1elsRock · 20/11/2019 18:51

I'd send the letter back, ripped in half. That way you're communicating your feelings without saying a word.

Tistheseason17 · 20/11/2019 18:53

I would ignore it. Don't even waste time replying.Bin it.

Original poster

Worriedmum1511 · 20/11/2019 18:56

I'm going to ignore. It's just dragged up a lot of emotion and anger. Her and her son made my life utterly miserable, I genuinely nearly committed suicide because of them.

I can't see him ever reapplying through court again for contact, the judge absolutely destroyed him because after he admitted the entire list of 45 incidents he then tried to blame me and the toddler and the judge went ballistic.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 20/11/2019 18:59

I would ignore. Don't respond otherwise she won't stop contacting you.

VondaVomin · 20/11/2019 19:00

The apple did not fall far from the tree did it? You do not need either of these abusive idiots in your life. Don't reply and move on. Do not expose your DC to these people, they will not change.

You will probably get a follow up letter guilting you for not replying because that is what manipulative people do. I suggest you don't even open the next one. Make sure they can't contact you by SM or phone/text either.

theseriousmoonlight · 20/11/2019 19:02

It's quite rare on here to get such a unanimous reaction. I agree with all of the above and I'm glad you do too.

DonKeyshot · 20/11/2019 19:04

Listen to the voice of experience that is TOtallyFuckedUpFamily at 17.06 on the first page of your thread, OP.

Your violent ex's mother raised him. Enough said.

MulticolourMophead · 20/11/2019 19:07

Keep the letter somewhere safe, in case you need evidence. But as others say, Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

cannycat20 · 20/11/2019 19:07

Nope. Leopards and spots. What's REALLY behind this? Has he just been let out of jail, has she suddenly discovered she's only got weeks to live, has his social worker told him to do this? All very suspicious on her part, I'm afraid.

It might sound hard, but she's almost certainly trying to wheedle the way of the ghastly ex back into your life through the back door so he can see the kids. Puts me in mind of one of the bits of the Happy Valley plot (I hope that isn't a triggering comment for you).

Mind you, it probably IS a good idea to put the rubbish behind you. So do just that, and don't let her, or her ghastly son, come anywhere near you or your kids ever again while you still have responsibility for them. I'm presuming, hopefully, your family and/or friends are supportive, and you sound like a super, strong mum who puts her kids first. So stay strong.

I'd be very tempted to return the letter and any future letters with "Not known at this address" or something similar on it too. (Didn't they move you if things were so bad with the ex? How does she know your address, if so?)

namina · 20/11/2019 19:10

Hard one really as you don't know what they would be telling the children or making up stuff to make you look bad. However like you said it would be nice for the children to know their family members. I would possibly ignore it for now or short contact with you there

Chloemol · 20/11/2019 19:20

Ignore the letter and get on with your life. Continue to ignore any future letters as well

FrenchBoule · 20/11/2019 19:26

OP, letting this witch near your kids would be defying the court order. ANY reply (even fuck off) would literally open the can of worms. She would play nice, sneak their father inand then possibly apply for contact,start the brainwashing and turn your kids against you. Is that what you want?

You’ve come so far with your kids, please build your life without abusive cunts.

Astella22 · 20/11/2019 19:36

Could you use this to your advantage by saying you would like to try, in time, to build bridges and that if she would like to reflect any incorrect reports made to SS in haste during what must of been a stressful time for her by letter and furnish you with a signed copy it would allow you all to move forward in truth and openness.....
Once she admits to her lies advise her that contact won’t work for you.
Or ignore but either way blocking contact with a clearly toxic family can only be to your children’s advantage

carly2803 · 20/11/2019 19:47

god no - why would you want your kids around that?!

she will let him near them again at some point, hes her son after all!

burn the letter and protect your children!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 20/11/2019 19:50

Just to warn you, OP, you will next get a letter implying that she’s at death’s door and just wants to see her gc or her poor ickle son has turned his life around and was just misunderstood. I’m leaning towards the terminal illness route. Tough! It just means she a nasty old fuck with an illness.

Cherrysoup · 20/11/2019 19:57

She tried to ruin your life and have your dc removed by calling social services, presumably that was her aim? She deserves absolute contempt from you, nothing more.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 20/11/2019 19:58

Ignore. Do not respond.

She’s a Flying Monkey for your ex.

Fuck her.

SunshineCake · 20/11/2019 21:57

I can't articulate the feelings I have that I can't give my children grand children but believe me they are better off without them. No family is better than one who will hurt them.

File the letter away for evidence and carry on living your life.

SunshineCake · 20/11/2019 22:01

Can't give my children grandparents....

Leaspr · 20/11/2019 22:19

No way should she be allowed in your children’s lives. She didn’t call Social Services out of concern for you children back then, so why would she suddenly be a doting grandmother now?

goodfornothinggnome · 20/11/2019 22:52

I've only read the first page, but categorically do not allow her in.
Families like this will never be any good for your kids to be around.
Far better for them to not know, than to really understand what their dad and grandmother are like.

Happyspud · 20/11/2019 22:53

No. Someone like her will bring nothing good to your children’s lives.

goodfornothinggnome · 20/11/2019 22:56

The very fact that her big make up speech was let's put the rubbish behind us and not, I understand that their father, my son was terrible, I know what he did, and I know what I did when you could have done with support. My anger was misguided, but I'm sorry and I will do anything to be in my grandchildrens lives...
Is more than enough to go on. Nothing but trouble ahead if you let her anywhere near.

SomethingPhishy · 20/11/2019 22:58

Don't react
Don't interact
Ignore
Just carry on as if the letter never arrived

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