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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To respond "**** off"

101 replies

Worriedmum1511 · 20/11/2019 16:41

Massive back story. Ex was an abusive asshole. He has a conviction for assault by beating and threats to kill towards me. Then in family court admitted 45 further incidents. He got given zero direct or indirect contact, prohibited steps order etc.

At the time his mother made my life miserable. Kept reporting me to social services. Had the police hammering on my door one morning having reported me for abuse.

She could see I was struggling as at the time I had a 10 week old and a SEN just turned 2 year old and instead of ever offering help she made life miserable.

Fast forward 2yr10m and I get a letter pleading for contact with the kids and to put "the rubbish behind us".

Part of me wants the kids to know their family, part of me doesn't trust her an inch and part of me despises her. I could put the despising behind me but is there really any good that can come from this?

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 20/11/2019 17:39

It does make me sad that I have two incredible children and can't show off their amazing ness but I just can't trust her. Not to report me or to sneak their father around. I just can't

They’ll not remain incredible for long being dragged back into that chaos. Enjoy your babies incredibleness knowing that you’ve kept them safe and given them space to grow.

Dutch1e · 20/11/2019 17:40

Part of me wants the kids to know their family

We share 50% of our DNA with a banana. Doesn't make them good family members.

Keep the letter in a manila envelope with a Post-It of when it was received. More will probably come then you can seek advice on harassment.

Do NOT respond in any way.

lazarusb · 20/11/2019 17:40

Ignore.

If she's really serious she can make an application to court and any contact directed can be supervised. (She won't do this I'm sure, she just thinks that you'll roll over). You and your children are much better off not having her in your lives.

LakieLady · 20/11/2019 17:41

I'd ignore it, then she'll think you've moved.

DreamingofSummer · 20/11/2019 17:42

I once thought the best of an in-law and gave them a second chance after some dreadful behaviour. It turned out dreadfully.

Silence is the only response.

MinTheMinx · 20/11/2019 17:45

Fuck off would be the only reasonable response if you were to speak to her.

Even better to ignore the letter completely and carry on as you were, happy in the knowledge you're doing the right thing by your kids. Nobody deserves abusive relatives.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 20/11/2019 17:47

There's no chance of her coming back from that. She seriously thinks she can behave like that and expect you to give her more chances. Ignore the cow.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 20/11/2019 17:47

Hell No! “Put the mess behind you”. So no remorse, no sorry just brush it under the carpet.

This shows she has not changed. I doubt she is capable.

You will massively regret this.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 20/11/2019 17:48

Don’t allow this toxic woman and her arsehole son back into yours and your DC lives.

They have shown who they are, repeatedly. Believe them!

Just ignore the letter, do not engage with her at all.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/11/2019 17:48

Burn letter. Forget them. If you want your children to "know" their family then when they are 18 show them the court reports and give them her phone number -if she is still alive!

QueenWhatevs · 20/11/2019 17:54

@Dutch1e your comparison is pretty unfair on bananas, frankly

Soconfusedandlost · 20/11/2019 18:02

Does anyone else think this is the reaction to lady who posted 2 threads about her 38 year old son who kept harassing the ex through the courts for contact despite smashing up the contact centre and she didn't think it was possible of the son?

With that in mind, I would keep as proof of harassment when it builds up and do not respond as if it is the same ex-MIL, she could not fathom her son doing such things and would enable him to see the children

Wallywobbles · 20/11/2019 18:03

My kids will not be getting in touch again with their cunt of a father before they can drive and they will not be going alone or to his house. I hope they will wait until he's dead first. Let their pain be a lesson for you.

If you get in touch it will bring nothing but pain to you all

FizzyGreenWater · 20/11/2019 18:13

She wouldn't even be allowed to make an application for contact - she's never been in their lives. Grandparents have to prove an ongoing link and a relationship before they can even be given leave to apply.

She's a stranger to them. Thank god.

Mollychristmas · 20/11/2019 18:17

God no!

Could you imagine how she will poison their minds against you and your side of the family! Not only that but I guarantee she would sneak contact with your ex.

She would really fuck your kids up, it’s not fair to put them in that position.

Fundays12 · 20/11/2019 18:25

I would normally say yes but in this instance it would be a no way, no how and not ever. This woman could ruin your family with further lies or try to turn your kids against you.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2019 18:27

Don't even acknowledge it

Runnerduck34 · 20/11/2019 18:29

I think you'd be within your rights to say it but ignoring the letter would be better. Doesn't sound like she's apologised or acknowledged the pain she caused. In a perfect world it would be good for DC to have contact with their dad's side if the family but really it sounds like she can't be trusted to behave well and you maybe opening a can of worms if you reinstate contact so I'd steer clear, keep your sanity and protect your DC from a potentially damaging relationship.

Majorcollywobble · 20/11/2019 18:33

Trust your gut feelings .
Ask yourself if she can add anything positive to the lives and well being of yourself and your children .After nearly three years has she sent this appeal to you for a reason - and it’s a selfish one .
Don’t reply to her letter . It might make you feel better to write one - tell her exactly what you think of her - then tear it to shreds and flush it down the loo .

Penners99 · 20/11/2019 18:35

Ignore, ignore and ignore.

Dutch1e · 20/11/2019 18:36

@QueenWhatevs Grin

CoolCarrie · 20/11/2019 18:37

Don’t let her back into your life.No good will come from it.
My mil looked after her great niece as the child’s mother was a problematic person to say the least. Everything went well for years, until my foolish mil was contacted by the mother, and against everyone’s warnings decided to let her see the child again, huge mistake, completely screwed up the niece during her teenage years, and only now she in her 20s is happy married with a beautiful child of her own. She has no contact with her mother, as she doesn’t want to expose her child to her behaviour. I know it’s not the same but don’t let toxic people into your life.

0SometimesIWonder · 20/11/2019 18:47

As they say .... "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

bd67th · 20/11/2019 18:47

YABU because you should not respond at all. Even "fuck off" is a response and a chink in your armour. Plus, she cannot support an accusation you of being abusive to her if you don't write nor say a single word.

YANBU for wanting to tell her to fuck off.

Raspberrytruffle · 20/11/2019 18:49

Please op for god sake and your children sake throw that letter or return it to sender, do not let this evil poisonous snake in your children's life. Shes not missing the kids shes thinking about herself, I've been in your position and if I could go back in time and tell myself no! I would this person did the same I thought they had changed and deserved a chance, what a big mistake! They hadn't changed they just got better at hiding their motives and tantrums, she nearly ruined my life she repeatedly called the police stating I'd beat my and her children, that I was drugging her children with epilepsy medication to make them sleep when I had them for a week, I made them wear nappy! She also constantly rang the children charity, child line the local social services repeatedly with the same story so much they ended up doing a full investigation which took 6 months. This was all out of spite because I'd walked out on her after an argument plus I'd also looked after her two kids alongside my two and 1 if mine has cerebral palsy!. It almost broke me and me and my husband almost separated because of it being his sister, I had too change our mobile and house number because she and her freinds were ringing at all hours to threaten us. So at the end of it the police and social services said it was Malicious and we were good parents but they also said I'm not to have contact with her again because in their words she obviously wasn't stable. So take heed listen to your head not your heart. Damn thing is I still miss the silly girl and still feel sorry for her but have to ignore my feelings