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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To respond "**** off"

101 replies

Worriedmum1511 · 20/11/2019 16:41

Massive back story. Ex was an abusive asshole. He has a conviction for assault by beating and threats to kill towards me. Then in family court admitted 45 further incidents. He got given zero direct or indirect contact, prohibited steps order etc.

At the time his mother made my life miserable. Kept reporting me to social services. Had the police hammering on my door one morning having reported me for abuse.

She could see I was struggling as at the time I had a 10 week old and a SEN just turned 2 year old and instead of ever offering help she made life miserable.

Fast forward 2yr10m and I get a letter pleading for contact with the kids and to put "the rubbish behind us".

Part of me wants the kids to know their family, part of me doesn't trust her an inch and part of me despises her. I could put the despising behind me but is there really any good that can come from this?

OP posts:
egontoste · 20/11/2019 17:14

Burn it.

Original poster
Worriedmum1511 · 20/11/2019 17:14

Thank you all for giving my head a wobble!

It does make me sad that I have two incredible children and can't show off their amazing ness but I just can't trust her. Not to report me or to sneak their father around. I just can't

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 20/11/2019 17:14

Ignore, do not give her an inch, otherwise she will take a mile.

messolini9 · 20/11/2019 17:15

Fast forward 2yr10m and I get a letter pleading for contact with the kids and to put "the rubbish behind us".

You what?
OP - don't fall for it.
Why would you want this abusive family in your DC's lives?

"Fuck off" is the exact response required here.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/11/2019 17:18

No. No way.

You'd bitterly regret it.

She didn't just attack you, she attacked your children - her grandchildren. Tried to cause their carer as much hassle as possible. Tried to undermine their stable home. Tried to get them taken into care. All to show how much she supported her abusive bastard son over them.

No. No. No.

You have the absolute BLESSING of not having to have any contact with any of them. For god's sake don't invite them in.

dontalltalkatonce · 20/11/2019 17:18

Do NOT fall for this! No response at all needed. Bin the letter and keep your kids safe from these fuckwits.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/11/2019 17:20

Part of me wants the kids to know their family

The best gift you could ever give your children is letting them grow up knowing that they aren't doomed to have to have 'family' like this in their lives. That they can grow up free from dysfunction and abuse. Completely free to choose the best elements of family and grow up more secure, happier, more well adjusted as a result.

Give them the gift of keeping 'family' like this a million miles away.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 20/11/2019 17:20

Ignore it.

But don't destroy it (as tempting as it is), file it away somewhere with a note of the date just in case you need evidence later on about levels of contact etc.

KurriKurri · 20/11/2019 17:21

I would completely ignore her letter. Telling her to fuck off is ebgaging with her - it opens a dialogue, and she will come back with some kind of rejoinder/plea/half assed apology or whatever.
Ignoring lets her sit and stew and then hopefully get the message that you have no interest in being in contact with her.
It is lovely for children to have nice grandparents. But she has shown herself to be nasty. You wouldn;t want your children having contact with anyother nasty people who may hurt them. Don;t let her into your life just because she is a relation.

sam221 · 20/11/2019 17:22

seal the letter up again, write return to sender and pop it in the postbox. Have nothing to do with this horrible woman, your kids do not need her drama.

Letsnotusemyname · 20/11/2019 17:23

One day - perhaps. Now - no. It has to be when you feel ready and secure.

But not until there has been a heartfelt admission of guilt and an apology. Not a simple ‘lets put this rubbish behind us’.

I’d also want to know where the ex fits into this jigsaw. Is he wanting to be involved? Is he in a position to legally challenge the zero contact order?

Whilst tempted I’d probably not tell her to f-off just yet - it might open the previous hornets nest again.

If you were to meet her then just yourself and a friend.

All the best.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 20/11/2019 17:23

100% no.

Don't let her poison creep in-she will revert back to her old ways. Your DC deserve much better!!

Block, block, block.

Do not let her in your headspace or life!! You should not feel guilty your DC missing out-you should feel proud of protecting them Flowers

Autumnfresh · 20/11/2019 17:23

That would be a no from me. Your precious family does not need the crap she would most definitely bring into your lives. As other posters suggest throw letter away.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 20/11/2019 17:24

did the ex get a prison sentence?? Is she messaging because he has been released?

Can you send the letter back marked "Not Known At This Address" and they might think you have moved?
I'd be doing everything in my power to keep these people out of my life and protect the children tbh.

sobeyondthehills · 20/11/2019 17:24

I wouldn't get rid of the letter, file it away somewhere just incase she starts with the harrassement again

Drum2018 · 20/11/2019 17:25

Please don't do anything, don't respond. Her family are not nice people and you do not need her or her rotten son having anything to do with your lovely children. They don't deserve a relationship with them. Don't for one second think she wouldn't try to get you to let their excuse of a father see them at a later stage.

plightofthealbatross · 20/11/2019 17:26

That would be a big Nope from me.

Ignore the letter.

Move if you can.

Ohyesiam · 20/11/2019 17:26

People can change, but it’s obvious when they do.
She would have to come to you talking full responsibility for her previous actions, with lots of humility and a very sincere apology.

No, I thought not.
In that case she will probably stoop to using the kids as leverage against you in some way, and could even sneak access to get lovely son.

You’ve don’t really well with them. Be proud. And tell her where to go.

user1480880826 · 20/11/2019 17:29

Your kids will be just fine without knowing this woman and her family. Ignore her.

category12 · 20/11/2019 17:30

Yes, don't open that door. Ignore.

It wasn't even an apology or acknowledgement of her own wrongdoing to say lets put that "rubbish behind us".

They're not people that will bring happiness to your dc's lives.

Beveren · 20/11/2019 17:31

Ignore her. She simply cannot be trusted around your children.

Dowser · 20/11/2019 17:34

Why would you want your children to have anything to do with this horrible family.
Run
Move before you are trapped near them

Gingernaut · 20/11/2019 17:35

The danger would be she could give unsupervised access for her son.

Under no circumstances say, text, tweet or write anything to her.

You are no contact for very good reasons.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 20/11/2019 17:36

Just no. You'll regret it forever

AbbieLexie · 20/11/2019 17:38

Leopards don't change their spots. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.