Christmas dinner drama

[thegreenlight]

My husband is cooking turkey Christmas dinner this year with all the trimmings. We have invited my parents and my mum said she would bring beef in gravy. I told my husband this and he was quite upset (he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him) I very gently suggested to my mum that she not bring anything and she was fine with this initially.

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different. I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.

My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day but I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents.

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction. They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

I can see where DH is coming from but I don’t put as much importance on Christmas dinner as he does.

Help! I don’t know what to do. Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out as he hasn’t had the lifetime’s experience of dealing with them like I have and will just tell it as it is and that would be taken out on me. Advice please!

Let them just not come, or come another day

My parents always had my granny, who was an awful mood spoiled, at Christmas. She caused so much tension between my parents about stupid stuff like food.

It beats me why they insisted she had to be there. My brother and I do NOT have good memories of Christmas with rose coloured views of granny being there. We r

We remember Christmas as a tense affair where everyone, including granny, would have preferred to be somewhere else.

Stop hankering after an illusion

And maybe get different child care

I think you need some therapy and fast. I really feel for your DH, he is having to see you deep in the FOG and watch you appease your parents over supporting him as your DH and protecting your DC from their tantrums

What appalling manners - bringing your own choice of meat to a meal somebody else is planning, cooking and serving !! I don’t know if I am more surprised by the parents just assuming they can do this, or the other posters saying ‘ yes, fine , don’t be mean, let them bring their own food’

Good grief - I’m with your DH on this.

Yes your dad is rude to suggest he wont come if he cant have what he wants but my family have always had 2 meat options for Christmas dinner so saying its cancelled really is just as pretty and would likely make things very awkward! It shouldn't matter to either of them what food is picked for Christmas day whether it's a full roast dinner or chicken nuggets and chips, what matters is who you spend it with.

It’s a bit of bloody beef. Tell him to get a grip

Your dad is acting like a spoiled brat but this could have all been avoided by just nodding, smiling and not getting wound up about a few slices of beef.

That is how OP has lived her entire life. And all it does is perpetuate the behaviour.

Some old men (and women) can be cantankerous and unaware of their destructive attitudes. Just explain that to your poor DH who is right to be upset, I would be, but both of you swallow it and shrug it off for the sake of your own sanity.

Those who eat his meal can rightly praise him for his cheffing skills and I'm sure the father will eat the veg etc. He shouldn't take it personally. Be the bigger people and enjoy your family time. It's only a meal.

I too do not like turkey and we all cook two meats. Pheasant and beef.

Please don't let it ruin your day!

OP - why can't you take the children to your parents house on Xmas morning? You seem to be saying parents will come to your house then go home?

I have read your updates since I replied earlier. Fuck bringing the beef, I wouldn't have them over at all. They sound vile. You desperately need therapy to help you detach yourself from them. Your Dh must have the patience of a saint, but some day he may well have enough of them and the way they treat you, and if you are unwilling to help yourself he could well walk. Plenty of posters would advise that if it was a Dh pandering to his parents and not standing up for his wife. Why on earth you want them having an influence on your children is beyond me. I'd be looking for alternative childcare so the kids don't grow up under their control as you sadly have. Just think, by this time next year you could be free!

@Ragwort

"If he had a genuine allergy to turkey that would be different but just because ‘he doesn’t like it’ hmm - tough, we’ve all had to sit through meals that we don’t particularly like, it’s just being an adult."
That's ridiculous. I'd just eat the rest and leave whatever I didn't like. I wouldn't eat something I didn't like to be polite.

OP, I would buy a beef joint and serve both beef and turkey (just beef for your DF) and tell DM no need to bring as DH is catering for everyone's needs.
I suspect they will still want to bring their own though and, if so, I would tell them they may as well stay at home for Christmas and you'll pop and see them on the Monday or on Christmas Eve.

It doesn’t help that my family have a tradition of having a number of meats and a number of starter choices and a number of deserts so to me it’s not a big deal at all

My family is the same and if I'm entertaining, other than a sorbet or amuse bouche, I find it difficult to confine myself to a set menu and invariably end up cooking various alternatives.

While my Thanksgiving dinners may be legendary, they place an enormous strain on my dining table as well as my wallet

Right-o, OP, that’s a biggish sort of dripfeed of their behaviour - alcoholic father etc!

Your DH’s not happy, your parents aren’t happy. You want Christmas to be happy, particularly for the DC. Pick a side. Stick to it.

If you pick DH’s Once-a-Year-but-also-Every-Sunday roast over your father’s Bow-To-My-Will-Beef then give them 2 options (just so you can reassure yourself you tried).

1. Come for a buffet tea with the DC at 5pm, please bring anything you’d like to eat.

2. Come for Christmas Lunch and eat turkey.

Tell them Christmas dinner is off. Have it with your DC and DH. You need to start putting your H first and stop pandering to your parents.

That's ridiculous. I'd just eat the rest and leave whatever I didn't like. I wouldn't eat something I didn't like to be polite.

Me too. What good host wants their guests to eat something they don’t like?

All my family serve two meats. It always used to be Turkey and Pork but at DSis' it's been Turkey and Beef as DBil likes beef.
This year I am hosting and will do Turkey and Beef. I would be really peed off though if DSIs told me she was bringing beef and gravy (not that she would as she's lovely). I'd consider it a reflection on my cooking skills and be offended.

Would you say no though @TheMidasTouch?

Have a look at the Out of The Fog website. Time for some changes I think @thegreenlight

Have a happier new year.

I understand not being able to stand up to them, I struggled with mine. In the end DH saw mine off for me - they’d ignored everything I said but when dh phoned and said “we need a break from you” they were all like “oh well, if a Man says so”.

OP I think you have some reading to do:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

Being honest, how often have you made your Dh do what you wanted to do as far as your parents are concerned?

And you may not want to hurt them because you're in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). But also how much of what you're doing is because of a deep rooted hope that just one day, they'll approve of you and be loving parents?

This is about much more than Christmas meat. Maybe listen to your DH a bit more. It's not that he somehow doesn't like them because he doesn't know them and their ways. He does - and as an outsider he can see them for what they really are.

Poor you, how miserable to have Christmas ruined by selfishness on the part of your parents. It is meant to be a happy time & clearly won’t be if you have to deal with them.

If I were you, I’d tell them you’ve found the arguing about Xmas dinner very upsetting, & that to deal with your stress you’ve decided to have a private Xmas on the day, with just kids and DH, and pop round to see them on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day. If they start to kick off, tell them you’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and go on about it so much that they get bored and go away. Don’t criticise them, just talk about yourself & your anxiety non stop, & how you’re hoping a quiet Xmas will help it.

My mother is horribly narcissistic. I’ve discovered that if I drone on and on about some (completely imaginary) problem of mine, asking her advice, telling her all about it, and talking through lots of options (say, curtain colours) , she’ll just get bored & give up. Try that on them. Don’t criticise them, just make yourself the topic of conversation. And have Xmas without them!

They sound very difficult and oppressive and yes, it is dreadfully rude to your husband - very ill mannered to bring their own food, even when asked not to.

My mum used to call me and scream at me for really petty reasons with my dad shouting at me in the background until one day DH lost it and screamed down the phone at her to leave me alone. I made him apologise, he did. For me.

I originally put it to him as mum ‘helping out’ and was actually surprised about his reaction.

OP, I am gaining a LOT more sympathy for your DH here. Did you actually expect him to believe that you thought your Mum was 'helping out' or that he needed that? He must have felt he was being managed, yet again, to 'make it nice'.

How could you possibly have asked him to apologise to your Mum for merely doing what she was doing to YOU, and sticking up for you? You have left him nowhere to go but meekly mop up all this bad behaviour from everyone.

You HAVE to get help to stop this FOG. It isn't fair.

I still think that Christmas dinner and a nasty slimy plate of beef in gravy isn't the moment for your DH to make his stand, but you have to tell him you have been wrong to try and manipulate him into believing your Mum was helping to keep the peace. And you have to tell him you will get counselling or read the books that AttilaTheMeerkat often recommends and do something about your people pleasing behaviour to your frankly appalling parents.

I know it isn't easy, they have emotionally abused you. Let this be your epiphany!

Good luck!

So your parents are prats to your DH and you allow it?

You don't pick your parents but DH picked you to spend his life with and have kids with. You may lose him if you keep putting your parents feelings before his.

Oh for goodness' sake. If you host people for a meal, you attend to their likes and dislikes. You want them to enjoy the meal. You want them to have a good time.
It's a lovely touch to include a person's favourite item in a meal. My daughter's ex loved red cabbage. I'd never usually had it with a meal, but when he joined us for Christmas dinner, I cooked it for him especially. My MIL used to make bread sauce especially for me. There'd be about ten of us for lunch and not a single other person liked it. But she always brought it to the table "for sara"

In what way does MIL bringing some extra meat ruin DH's meal? he doesn't have to eat it.

DH is being vastly controlling here. And he's letting his dislike of your parents ruin EVERYONE'S Christmas.

Have you read all of the OPs posts saraclara?

It's laughable that in the season of goodwill people fall our over crap like this. Tell your DH your dad is being a bit of a dick but just be the bigger person.