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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas dinner drama

268 replies

thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 19:36

My husband is cooking turkey Christmas dinner this year with all the trimmings. We have invited my parents and my mum said she would bring beef in gravy. I told my husband this and he was quite upset (he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him) I very gently suggested to my mum that she not bring anything and she was fine with this initially.

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different. I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.

My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day but I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents.

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction. They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

I can see where DH is coming from but I don’t put as much importance on Christmas dinner as he does.

Help! I don’t know what to do. Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out as he hasn’t had the lifetime’s experience of dealing with them like I have and will just tell it as it is and that would be taken out on me. Advice please!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 19/11/2019 21:18

@BMW6 has made a good suggestion there about how to handle it.

nocoolnamesleft · 19/11/2019 21:18

This has fuck all to do with beef, and everything to do with a pissing contest between your "D"H and your D"F" - both of whom could do with growing up.

darthbreakz · 19/11/2019 21:19

How much do you want your parewnts there at Christmas Dinner - they sound like hard work, but if you feel that familiy's family, or that the kids would miss them, then I'd say let them come with their beef and ask your DH to let it go. It sounds like he's quite reasonable and cares about you.

If you feel like it's going to be drama filled and more hassle than it's worth, tell them not to come - but I'd imagine that this will cause a lot of stress and upset going forward as they might never forgive you for disinviting them.

ChicCroissant · 19/11/2019 21:19

I bet your parents make some kind of alteration similar to the plate of beef to every event though, OP. Do they? There is always something not quite right that they need to do/bring/say/fix?

I'm with your husband on this one - it's years since I've had more than one meat on Christmas Day! But why would you need to go and see them on Christmas Day - why wouldn't they come round to see you before going home if they are not staying for Christmas Dinner?

DarlingNikita · 19/11/2019 21:19

IMO it’s your dad who is being an arsehole. He needs to grow up.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 21:20

I know it’s fucked either way. It’s just so sad. Husband has said he won’t say anything about my dad bringing his own beef, but don’t expect him to be happy about it, I said there’s not much point of Christmas if you’re not happy. I think what people are missing is that they have been told in a very gentle way that it would upset DH and they counter with ‘well he just won’t come’ literally beef is more important than seeing his grandchildren on Christmas Day. He won’t come to birthday parties either so not an idle threat. Again, it just all makes me so very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 21:22

Oh god ChicCroissant, that’s bang on and has literally never occurred to me before.

OP posts:
Blahblahblah12345 · 19/11/2019 21:22

For all those people saying DH is BU just imagine the poster saying she was upset as she was cooking and her MIL was bringing a plate of beef. And her DH wasn't standing up for her. While different story. She would be being told she had a DH problem.

OP stick up for your husband! It will be hard work cooking for everyone and he will be proud of what he achieves.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2019 21:23

I think what people are missing is that they have been told in a very gentle way that it would upset DH and they counter with ‘well he just won’t come’ literally beef is more important than seeing his grandchildren on Christmas Day.

I don’t know about this. It’s such an unreasonable thing to be upset about and it’s clearly because of the previous issues that your dh is saying no. Realistically, if it were a friend coming who didn’t like turkey, can he honestly say he’d ask them not to?

Your dad is acting like a spoiled brat but this could have all been avoided by just nodding, smiling and not getting wound up about a few slices of beef.

nocoolnamesleft · 19/11/2019 21:24

Blahblah
If she only cooked once a year, yes I would make the same response.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2019 21:24

For all those people saying DH is BU just imagine the poster saying she was upset as she was cooking and her MIL was bringing a plate of beef. And her DH wasn't standing up for her. While different story. She would be being told she had a DH problem.

I don’t think so, I think in that situation the op would be told not to be so childish about a plate of beef.

ffswhatnext · 19/11/2019 21:24

NoSauce
Yes, she says controlling in the op, but after reading many threads on Mn controlling isn't always controlling. Just people not wanting to do what is considered the 'norm'. Wanting to provide your own cooked meat isn't necessarily controlling. Op's dh could have easily said don't be daft, I'll cook the beef, or if he doesn't want to, excellent saves me having to cook it.

But like I said, people bringing food doesn't phase me.

When others come and want to bring something, they say along the lines of oh, I will bring a potato salad. Nothing rude or cheeky about it. They are simply offering to bring something, and giving me the chance to say great or don't bother.

You could view it as providing a dish instead of a bottle of wine.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 21:24

And DH always cooks Sunday dinner when we have it. This isn’t a once a year thing for him so it’s not that at all.

I bloody hate Sunday dinner and would rather eat cheese on toast anyway.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 19/11/2019 21:26

Then OP, it really is time to stand up to them.

Tell them that as there is obviously bad feelings ON BOTH SIDES it would be better not to come for Xmas dinner at yours.
If you suggest taking the children to them for a couple of hours on Xmas morning how do you think they will react?

BarbedBloom · 19/11/2019 21:27

The thing you must realise OP and this comes from someone who has been there, your parents will never be the people you want them to be. This is who they are, they won't change and if it is hurting you, it is okay to put boundaries in place. Your DH has now said they can bring the beef, but he won't be happy. I don't think you can expect any more than that really. He doesn't like them and with reason really

Original poster
thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 21:28

BMW6 That was DH’s initial compromise that I discounted but maybe it is a better idea after all. I would want them to come and play games or maybe watch a Christmas movie together but I know they will come half and hour before dinner and stay half an hour after, then go home.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 19/11/2019 21:28

"My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling"
A bit? More than a bit, @thegreenlight! Massively.

You do not have a DH problem, you have a parent problem and a FOG problem. And you need to start facing up to those problems.

"It’s me that insisted on mum doing childcare x he’s never been happy about it and has just reminded me of that loudly. She looked after my first and I wanted my second to have a good relationship too."
Why? Why would you want your daughters to have a good relationship with a pair of controlling narcissists? Do you want them to be screamed and shouted at as they do to you? Besides, you can't have a good relationship with a controlling narcissist, not unless you submit to their control and dedicate your life to pleasing them, which sounds to me to be what you have done. I get it, they conditioned you young to put them before everyone else, especially your husband and children. But is that really the life you choose for your daughters? Really?

"My brother is very low contact with my mum because of her behaviour."
I think you should start emulating your brother. And get some counselling, because you really do sound to be still in their thrall.

ffswhatnext · 19/11/2019 21:29

It will be hard work cooking for everyone and he will be proud of what he achieves.

He could also be a lot prouder by cooking more than one day a week.

Perhaps is he did, there wouldn't be this pissing contest as he wouldn't see it as a big deal.

But tell your dad he can stay at home and sulk. Your mum is still invited.

NoSauce · 19/11/2019 21:29

For all those people saying DH is BU just imagine the poster saying she was upset as she was cooking and her MIL was bringing a plate of beef. And her DH wasn't standing up for her. While different story. She would be being told she had a DH problem

This is very true. Quite telling that it’s such a different response because it’s the husband and not a MIL.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/11/2019 21:30

If I was going to the trouble of cooking someone a meal and they insisted on bringing their own food and I had to cook that, I'd tell them to do one. Back up your dh. Your dp are being CFs

everythingisginandroses · 19/11/2019 21:30

Bringing your own food to your host's house uninvited is fucking rude, it's unbelievable how many people on here think that's ok MC MN idea of manners Hmm

As the OP and many others have said, this is about a lot more than food anyway. It sounds like your parents just want to be in control of things and show that they are more important than your DH.

I have no parents, but an uncle who has similar inclinations (but not as badly-behaved and not a drunk). I put up with his digs and judgments about me and DH for years until he finally overstepped the mark (around the festive season, funnily enough) and I vastly reduced my contact with him. I feel much better for it, but can sympathise how much harder it might have been if he were my dad.

I think you know what to do, OP Flowers

Original poster
thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 21:32

I’m not totally clueless about what they do, but I’m still not strong enough to want to do anything to upset them. I am like this in all relationships and am a total people pleaser so this is a very hard situation for me to be in. How I am in awe of posters who say ‘just tell them to fuck off’ I have literally NEVER raised my voice to my mum yet she constantly accuses me of shouting at her. Any time I question her or ask her not to do something on shouting at her in her eyes.

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 19/11/2019 21:32

Well, let them do that then.
Come stay for a bit, eat, stay for a bit more and leave.
And tbph I wouldn't want an alcoholic around my dc's all day. Not sure why you discounted your dh's idea in the first place.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 19/11/2019 21:33

I think you have to respond with “ok Dad, your choice” and let him choose not to come. I really think you need to be on your dh’s side here.

This is not about the meat, is it? He doesn’t have a FIL problem, he has a DW problem.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/11/2019 21:35

" I think what people are missing is that they have been told in a very gentle way that it would upset DH and they counter with ‘well he just won’t come’ literally beef is more important than seeing his grandchildren on Christmas Day. He won’t come to birthday parties either so not an idle threat. Again, it just all makes me so very sad." [my bolding]

He is exercising control over you. If it wasn't the beef it would be something else. You seem to be missing that your parents are massively controlling. Your husband hasn't missed it, that's why he's pissed off with this whole thing, because he is seeing it for what it is.

You need to get these people out of your life, out of your husband's life, and absolutely out of the lives of your children before they headfuck them as much as they've headfucked you. Seriously @thegreenlight, your parents are poison.

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