In laws putting strain on marriage.

[EmilyL88]

Hi,
I'm new here, please forgive me for a negative first post but I've come for some advice from you lovely people please if you can be bothered to read this monstrosity.

I moved away from my family to live with my husband and got on wonderfully with his family until I became pregnant at 20. His family got so excited they started getting baby equipment ready etc which got my back up as I planned pretty much attachment parenting and breastfeeding. This worsened when they realised I planned long term feeding and didn't want to leave her at an early age. First small things like wandering off around the house with her, having things personalised with their surname despite us being unmarried. All ignored until my MIL progressed to making comments (to the tiny baby but aimed at me) such as you'll have to go back to be fed as it's the only thing mummy can do that Nanny cant.

I have MAJOR anxiety. It used to be so severe I struggled to leave the house however it was at a well managed stage despite a bit of the baby blues. What I couldn't cope with was being away from home so holidays were near impossible and flying just out of the question. It remains the only thing I haven't conquered. My in laws live half of the year in Spain and always asked when we would be taking DD over. She made comments (again to the baby) such as we'll have to take you to Spain without your mummy won't We whilst i sat horrified, miles away from my own family. My DH found this hard to believe however we moved on from this.

Fast forward 10 years and we have 2 DDs. 7 and 10 who we adore. We also have a happy marriage. Comments have been made to the children from time to time which upset me such as, "there's too many animals.in your house" "it stinks in that room" "your mum is ill due to kissing the dogs "
I'm a vet nurse but despite having family pets our house is clean and hygienic.
I'm vegan and my DDs are veggie and we've had issues of the in laws encouraging them to eat meat. My husband adores his family, they're very close and it ended up being me asking them to respect the girls wishes regarding their diet. They're huge animal lovers and both decided at different time independently to become veggie.

Our recent fall out however is because our DDs have been coming home from grandparents saying they have been talking to them about taking them on holiday. First it was we'll take you to italy, then you can come out to Spain in the summer while you're mum and dad are working (they claim this was to be helpful however it was never discussed with myself or DH before telling the girls) and finally about a cruise for FILs 60th next year. DDs have said on numerous occasions that this has been discussed and they have been shown videos of cruise ships and pools and kids clubs however this has never been mentioned to me.

As I said earlier my anxiety has prevented holidays abroad. We have camped and caravanned and even had 2 holidays abroad however DH felt DDs were still missing out.
We booked a big holiday abroad 2 weeks ago for next year and already I am petrefied and have had panic attacks but we will go and I will aim to hide it from DDs.
The nail in the coffin was when this week he mentioned the cruise and how the whole family will be going and he wants us to go. I said its too much as we havent even got through the first one and i feel very let down about the way this has been discussed with DDs before me and without considering my feelings. I said I couldn't go which led to a huge argument during which DH said it could be the last holiday with his grandparents and as it's FILs 60th I should at least be trying.

I ended up arguing with MIL who claimed the children hadn't worded the conversations to me in the same way they were worded to them. Either way i am angry that this was ever discussed with myself or DH before hand.

DH and I are at the point of separation becoming an option due to all of this as I feel he has never supported me. He admits he should have done a long time ago but claims they mean nothing by it. I feel its very personal as they didnt have free reign with the grandchildren. We can not agree on a way to move forward from this now.

If you've read to the end then thank you so so much. We would both really appreciate your opinions (honest opinions) on this as we both feel we have suffered due to this. I still love DH very much however feel my relationship with the in laws is over. I would never stop DH taking DDs to see their grandparents however DH feels its unreasonable that ive come to a stage where i no longer want to see them. Any advice you may be able to offer is much appreciated.
Thanks xx

Taking your kids abroad is not compulsory. Im from an older generation and foreign holidays were expensive and certainly not the norm for many people. Did we miss out...no of course not. And even now the thought if going on holiday with a load of other family fills me with horror. Not because Im anxious or anything, but just because we like to have the time with just us and our teen (while he still wants to!!)

However some professional help with your anxiety does sound like a good idea

As much as your in laws seem frustrating, I would also agree much if this is about your mental health. Your post is about what you need and how you feel, little to none is about what your family want. Your opinion seems to be they should miss out if you can't go.

What are you doing about your anxiety? And is there a way your husband could take the kids and you stay behind if you Really can't cope?

I think your anxiety and in laws are two separate issues.

Seek help for your anxiety, as it is affecting not just you, but others.

Your in laws though...I’m totally at a loss as to why so many posters here are ignoring the appalling behaviour of your ILs!! I doubt many on this thread would appreciate such treatment from their own in laws, yet because the OP has anxiety, she is the issue?! Unfortunately, that sort of behaviour would have only served to increase your anxiety. It sounds like death by a thousand paper cuts: continued passive aggressive behaviour, manipulation, undermining you, and a spineless DH who refuses to stand up for his wife. No wonder you want nothing to do with the in laws! And I’d want to ditch the DH too. I would not be able to respect someone like that, let alone stay married to him!

Can I ask what sort of relationship you have or had with your own parents and grandparents? Obviously your partners parents seem to trigger some massive distrust in you.

If you think negatively of your own parents it's automatic to distrust other's, I experience this.

But also if you are very close to your own parents are you comparing or feeling guilty in some way if your children bond to other's, less favourable to you.
Or dido you struggle to bond at first? It's easy to be resentful if someone seems to get close very quickly to people when you prefer to take time.

“ Taking your kids abroad is not compulsory.“

Of course it’s not. But if you have competent grandparents with a house in Spain it seems a bit rough if you can’t go there because your mum can’t travel.

I think the in-laws are being unreasonable. The OP and her family have been on holiday in the UK and twice abroad and are going abroad next year for two weeks. The DC aren't missing out.

I wouldn't put up with MIL talking through the DC to me. She shouldn't talk about taking the children on holiday. She should speak to OP and her husband and seek their thoughts on the suggestion and ask for their permission (without the DC knowing) and then ask the DC if it OP and her DH agree.

What the heck is your DH talking about? - his DF's 60th birthday might mean it's the last holiday together. Why? Is he terminally ill? He's probably got many years ahead of him otherwise.

I don't like the in laws or the husband's manipulative behaviour. In view of the things you've said about them, OP, I probably wouldn't bother having any contact with them. They are probably adding to your anxiety.

I would be very worried about any child I knew whose life was being constrained in any way by their parent’s mental health.

OP has done a 🏃‍♀️

The question OP actually asked was would she be unreasonable to stop seeing the ILs?

No, OP, you wouldn't. You don't mind the children seeing them with your husband, so as long as this includes them going on this cruise with DH, that's fine. YOU don't have to have a relationship with them, nor go on this cruise.

I agree with some other pps, that your ILs have been manipulative and undermining over the years, and your husband has really dropped the ball in listening to you, and putting a stop to their antics. If he realises this now, he needs to prove that to you by his actions. Telling you it's just because they love their GDs, or it's just the way they are, is dismissive, and not supportive.
MrEmily if you're reading this, it's time you supported your wife, and stop your parent's manipulations and sly digs. If Emily doesn't want to have a relationship with your parents because of their behaviour, (which has probably made her anxiety worse) do not force her to. If that means you and your DDs go on this cruise without her, then that's what you do, and you wish her a nice quiet, relaxing time while you're away.
Also, tell your parents they are not to speak to your children about any holidays or outings, without having spoken to you AND OP first, (or speaking to you, and then you and your wife discussing it) and only then, with your permission. They have acted completely underhand about this. Many grandparents manage to have good relationships with their son or daughter's partner, without using manipulative tactics to get their own way.

OP, I hope you're getting help for your anxiety. Don't try to manage it on your own.

Hardly surprising really, considering the responses.

I wonder how the OP became anxious in the first place? Undermined and unsupported from the first minute, isolated from her own family.

If this was a normal family dynamic I might agree that anxiety is the real issue here. But it's a red herring when we're talking about in-laws trying to push meat on a vegetarian or spending a long period of time talking up a holiday that the MOTHER of the kids has no idea is in the works.

What a bunch of mean bastards they are, your DH included !

I agree with the above post wholeheartedly !

Other posters are very presumptuous to assume OP’s children aren’t “making memories” , she has already mentioned managing to go abroad as well as having holidays in this country !
She may have anxiety but I think she appears to be living with it very well , the anxiety is not the issue here !!!!!

“I would never stop DH taking DDs to see their grandparents however DH feels its unreasonable that ive come to a stage where i no longer want to see them.”

So why are posters assuming OP is stopping her daughters?

“Sounds like OP’s husband is stopping them because he wants OP to go when she doesn’t want to and has ignored the treatment his mum has given her. We have seen many threads where DILs decide they want to step away from the in-laws but aren’t stopping their partners from taking the children with them and posters commenting that the in-laws could make negative remarks about the mum when she is not around. Some posters have even said that they have gone low contact with their in-laws and felt they were in a much better place for doing so.”

We have camped and caravanned and even had 2 holidays abroad however DH felt DDs were still missing out.
We booked a big holiday abroad 2 weeks ago for next year and already I am petrefied and have had panic attacks but we will go and I will aim to hide it from DDs.

“This part is a bit confusing.. however OP is trying to deal with her anxiety and is still going to this holiday planned so far.

I wonder if she didn’t have anxiety would people be saying that she is the main problem.”

I agree, sounds like OP is getting an awful lot of criticism for having anxiety, when she appears to be trying to cope with it quite courageously !!

“Her husband knows about her anxiety yet allows his parents to make negative comments about her, their home, and even their (her and children’s) diets. He also admits that he should have been standing up for her, yet dismisses her feelings while standing up for his parents by saying “they mean nothing by it .” Him saying that doesn’t make it true and it is obviously doing harm to OP and adding to her anxiety. She has dealt with their behaviour for a decade, on top of dealing with her anxiety. I agree she likely needs more help, but I disagree that she is the main issue here. I say it is a DH problem for allowing the behaviour to continue and not backing her up and trying to already push something knowing that OP is struggling with the holiday they already booked. I understand he wants her to be at his father 60th, but trying to push her to go when he could go without her is only adding to him once again dismissing her feelings and refusing to acknowledge the way his parents treat her.”

Totally agree with this last paragraph, other posters seem to have missed the point completely, focused on anxiety and sound like they almost blame her for having it !

@TheMidasTouch - I believe the emotional blackmail is regarding the husband's grand parents, not his father, who would probably be in at least their 80s if his father is turning 60.

Personally I think your anxiety is overshadowing your feelings, if your marriage is at breaking point then I’d not be worrying about the in-laws, I’d be worrying about my marriage (if you want to still be married) and be focusing on that.

I think your confused and looking for an outlet rather than deal with the real reasons.

Your ILs sound like a nasty piece of work, OP. Critical, controlling, undermining etc - I'm not at all surprised that you want to go low contact with them. I also think your DH has let you down a bit in not addressing, or supporting you to address, some of their behaviours, especially talking to the children about trips without discussing them with you and DH first.

But I agree with PPs that you need to get help with your anxiety. You won't be able to manage these conflicts effectively until you do, imo.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all the advice and opinions. I'll admit this has been a very hard post to read. I wonder if I had written holidays abroad are limited due to financial reasons would people still claim my children are missing out and that fault lies with me and my anxiety and not the issues I've raised regarding the in laws.

To everybody wanting to know what I have done to manage my anxiety, I have had this problem since my early teens and progressed from not leaving the house to attending uni as a mother of 2 and qualifying as a vet nurse and leading a very normal, working mum life. Yes I have in the past been medicated. I am now at a point where i function normally without medication. CBT has enabled me to cope with every day life and as a family we are blessed to be happy, beside the few issues detailed above.
The reason for my post being that I felt let down that it seems I should always put up with underhand behaviour, especially regarding my remaining anxiety flaw. . . . . . holidays.
To those suggesting my children live in a cage and I'm the kind if mother to pour anxiety into them . . . Our girls are fantastically well rounded children who appreciate what they get, be that a trip to Spain or a camping trip to the lake district They spend time with PILs 2 to 3 times a week and have been to theme parks, day tips out for many reasons, swimming, sleep overs and weekends away. My eldest has been away for 5 nights without myself or DH and I do not restrict their lives in any way, shape or form. They are very privileged children with a social calendar better than my own.
To everybody who themselves suffer from anxiety, I commend you for going out and dealing with it every single day. It's a more powerful illness than most people give it credit for.
The kind poster who suggested I sounded gleeful for being able to say "no I'm breastfeeding," a huge well done for detecting those gleeful tones via a typed message. . . . A skill one can only aspire to learn. I gave my babies breast milk for a reasonable amount of time so the over night stays didn't start until around 18 months old when they woke up less in the night. Something I consider good parenting, not that I would criticize any other parenting techniques as we all do our very best for our babies.
To the poster who suggested I review whether or not we actually want to stay married. . . The simple answer to that Is, this wouldn't have become an issue if it was easier for us to separate. It's difficult for me to be insulted by his parents, especially via the children but its difficult for him to bring up with his family for fear of fall outs. After a decade I'm pretty much fed up of it. As for our marriage, we're happy, we have great trust, we laugh, we make time to "date" as and when we can get a babysitter and we agree on most parenting techniques, hence the devastation at separation being discussed.
We will attend the marriage counselling and I will continue to work on my anxiety.
To everyone who gave genuine constructive criticism to both myself and DH, thank you for taking the time to do so. It has been taken on board. Xxxx

Thanks for coming back OP. I know it must have been hard after a lot of these replies.

I hope your husband now realises the importance of acting as a team, and that your feelings and opinions matter more than his parents', and with that in mind, he puts a stop to their antics, and allows you to decide your own level of interaction with them.

I wish you all the best.

OP, some posters have made quite horrible posts on this thread but please remember that these kind of people always do. They revel in others misery and will add to it if they can.

Aside from that there is some other good advice on here and I genuinely hope you are able to sort this out one way or another to keep your family together. That is without doubt the most important thing here.

Happy to hear OP. It seemed like a few posters lacked a bit of reading comprehension and wrote you off or blaming your anxiety for everything. I hope your partner begins to step up and stand up for you when his parents make negative comments. If it causes a fallout, that says more about his parents than it does about you or him if they can’t accept they can’t insult you anymore. I hope it all works out and wish you both the best!

Thank you very much. Fingers crossed we can just move on from this after a chat together with the in laws. xx

Thank you very much. That definitely is what's important and hopefully we're in a much better place to achieve than now. xx

Not grasping the individual replies 😂
But thank you xx

OP appreciate the response and delighted to hear your girls are fine.

The only thing I would add to you is, regardless of your relationship with your in-laws, your children need and deserve the wisest possible love and affection from everyone in their extended family.

Never let your own fallout or annoyance with your ILs get in the way of that.

They love your children and that's what matters.

Good luck.

Thank you AhNowTed. I will always bear that in mind. X

OP, I certainly think you come across as a thoughtful women.

I too believe there were some deeply unpleasant assumptions taken from your post.

As someone in a happy relationship, I certainly can't imagine it being happy if I felt undermined and unsupported by my husband.

I also don't believe GP's have a divine right to their grand children irrespective of how they behave and how they treat the parents of their grandchildren.

I find THAT concept utterly bizarre.

So I wish you the very best.
I hope your OH realises the error of his ways and that he supports you better.

I think if you don't wish to be around your in-laws, I believe that is completely your choice to make.

It certainly reads as if you have made a good solid effort.

I don't feel any obligation to indulge anyone who may feel the need to have a pop at me, just because they have that personality flaw.

It sounds as if you have done a great job overcoming difficulty and raising your children.
👍💐