In laws putting strain on marriage.

[EmilyL88]

Hi,
I'm new here, please forgive me for a negative first post but I've come for some advice from you lovely people please if you can be bothered to read this monstrosity.

I moved away from my family to live with my husband and got on wonderfully with his family until I became pregnant at 20. His family got so excited they started getting baby equipment ready etc which got my back up as I planned pretty much attachment parenting and breastfeeding. This worsened when they realised I planned long term feeding and didn't want to leave her at an early age. First small things like wandering off around the house with her, having things personalised with their surname despite us being unmarried. All ignored until my MIL progressed to making comments (to the tiny baby but aimed at me) such as you'll have to go back to be fed as it's the only thing mummy can do that Nanny cant.

I have MAJOR anxiety. It used to be so severe I struggled to leave the house however it was at a well managed stage despite a bit of the baby blues. What I couldn't cope with was being away from home so holidays were near impossible and flying just out of the question. It remains the only thing I haven't conquered. My in laws live half of the year in Spain and always asked when we would be taking DD over. She made comments (again to the baby) such as we'll have to take you to Spain without your mummy won't We whilst i sat horrified, miles away from my own family. My DH found this hard to believe however we moved on from this.

Fast forward 10 years and we have 2 DDs. 7 and 10 who we adore. We also have a happy marriage. Comments have been made to the children from time to time which upset me such as, "there's too many animals.in your house" "it stinks in that room" "your mum is ill due to kissing the dogs "
I'm a vet nurse but despite having family pets our house is clean and hygienic.
I'm vegan and my DDs are veggie and we've had issues of the in laws encouraging them to eat meat. My husband adores his family, they're very close and it ended up being me asking them to respect the girls wishes regarding their diet. They're huge animal lovers and both decided at different time independently to become veggie.

Our recent fall out however is because our DDs have been coming home from grandparents saying they have been talking to them about taking them on holiday. First it was we'll take you to italy, then you can come out to Spain in the summer while you're mum and dad are working (they claim this was to be helpful however it was never discussed with myself or DH before telling the girls) and finally about a cruise for FILs 60th next year. DDs have said on numerous occasions that this has been discussed and they have been shown videos of cruise ships and pools and kids clubs however this has never been mentioned to me.

As I said earlier my anxiety has prevented holidays abroad. We have camped and caravanned and even had 2 holidays abroad however DH felt DDs were still missing out.
We booked a big holiday abroad 2 weeks ago for next year and already I am petrefied and have had panic attacks but we will go and I will aim to hide it from DDs.
The nail in the coffin was when this week he mentioned the cruise and how the whole family will be going and he wants us to go. I said its too much as we havent even got through the first one and i feel very let down about the way this has been discussed with DDs before me and without considering my feelings. I said I couldn't go which led to a huge argument during which DH said it could be the last holiday with his grandparents and as it's FILs 60th I should at least be trying.

I ended up arguing with MIL who claimed the children hadn't worded the conversations to me in the same way they were worded to them. Either way i am angry that this was ever discussed with myself or DH before hand.

DH and I are at the point of separation becoming an option due to all of this as I feel he has never supported me. He admits he should have done a long time ago but claims they mean nothing by it. I feel its very personal as they didnt have free reign with the grandchildren. We can not agree on a way to move forward from this now.

If you've read to the end then thank you so so much. We would both really appreciate your opinions (honest opinions) on this as we both feel we have suffered due to this. I still love DH very much however feel my relationship with the in laws is over. I would never stop DH taking DDs to see their grandparents however DH feels its unreasonable that ive come to a stage where i no longer want to see them. Any advice you may be able to offer is much appreciated.
Thanks xx

I agree that the issue here is your anxiety. Even being selfish about it, you'll be a thousand times better off getting some help with it now and being able to go on these holidays than separating and your DH taking the girls alone while you're sat at home,

Your inlaws should not make snide comments about you or interfere with your parenting. That in itself would put me off them.

What are you doing to help your anxiety? Are you on medication, do you see a counsellor, have you tried CBT? You need to take small steps regarding going on a holiday, so I agree a cruise is a ridiculous idea for you. However, if Dh wants to bring the kids then I don't see why he shouldn't. Your anxiety issues should not stop the rest of your family from having a holiday.

Sorry. I'm joining the choir. Your husband is absolutely entitled to join in the 60th birthday cruise for his dad, and the children shouldn't miss out on it because of your anxiety.

It sounds as though your partner has been incredibly understanding for the last decade. To leave someone you love over this would be insane. You would have SO much to lose (you would be parted from you children for part of every week, for starters)
You really need to talk to someone in order to get the help that you need in order to either let your husband and children go without you, or to get yourself there yourself.

At the moment, they're imprisoned by your anxiety.

Your DC are not babies any more. If you can't do stuff because of your anxiety, you need to stop thinking about yourself and let your DC explore and enjoy the world. You make no mention of having sought any kind of help or treatment for the anxiety - it is a treatable condition and to behave as though everyone around you should just accept it and restrict their lives for your benefit is hugely selfish.

Also, while the inlaws seem mildly irritating, I don't see anything that justifies you going no contact with them. And you doing so, again, puts your partner and daughters in a really difficult position.

I do understand how debilitating anxiety can be, but the way you're reacting over some tactless comments will punish your husband, children and entire inlaw family. They don't deserve it.

Your anxiety should not be a cage for your entire family to live within
^^this! And I'm a fellow anxiety sufferer! You do need therapy, it helps me enormously to rationalise and level-out actual and real or perceived risk. Very soon your DC's are going to be invited on school trips, overnighters, short holidays with school, field trips etc....surely you want them to experience these and not be anxious! If you hold your kids too tight to your chest OP, one day they will run and they might not want a great relationship with you because you held them back, stopped them experiencing life and freedom. Please go seek some support. Sure the ILS should have spoken to you first, but maybe they feared this strong negative reaction so tried to circumvent you.....? If your not reasonable and always say no, this will only happen more and more...better to say yes, be involved and shape things a little how you like them too.

OP I think you're conflating two things.

Your ILs - esp MIL - do sound like their behaviour was a bit too much when you first had DD. Whether that was because they were excited or because they are genuinely controlling we can't say. But you do say you had a good relationship with them before you became pregnant.

That is colouring your judgement of their behaviour now. Again I agree that the ILs should have discussed the cruise with you and DH before mentioning it to the DDs, however it was worded. But to deny them this opportunity because of your anxiety isn't fair on them. If you feel it's too much for your anxiety, you don't have to go. That shouldn't mean they can't either. They won't come to any harm having had the sort of holidays you've been comfortable with so far, but this may be a once in a lifetime holiday.

Your OP is very much all about you and your feelings. You need to think of their feelings too and let them go.

I am a grandparent. I would never suggest anything like a holiday to my dgs without talking to ds and dil first.
Your in-laws are being manipulative and should respect your and dh wishes.
My db and sil are bringing my dn up as vegetarian, they don’t fly due to environmental issues and my dn has never been abroad, he is 13.
My parents and siblings and I would never tell them how to parent or suggest where they should holiday. I live in France and would love them to visit and also my ds who has mental health issues and won’t travel. But I don’t interfere in their lives.
I suggest you show my comment to your dh. He should respect your opinion and your mental health. You are already doing well to take a holiday next year.
For the record my 60th was largely ignored by my whole family, who cares it’s just a number, not even old these days. Oh and the last holiday with grandparents is a low punch. I assume dc see them regularly anyway so it’s not an issue.

I think you need help with your anxiety.
I think it's nice they want to go on nice holidays and be involved with your kids.
I think you should let your dh take them away for the cruise if you don't want to go, I think it's unfair on your children and your dh to hold them back from that. He is clearly very family oriented and I don't think they have really done anything wrong. Your anxiety is the problem that you need to fix its not fair that it controls your kids lives to.
I think your husband will end up resenting you for him and his kids missing out on things.

So relieved to hear the choir agreeing. I have had anxiety in the past. My OH went off with the children on a yacht sailing to Scotland and across to Ireland with them. Which imo. is inherently riskier than a cruise or a holiday in Spain.

Your family have tiptoed around you long enough I daresay there have been conversations as how to deal with it and let the children have some freedom. So they have come up with this compromise, you either accept it as I did at the time, or get treatment which I eventually did.

It is hard to beat anxiety but doable.

As someone who suffers anxiety and needed CBT to function, I have the utmost sympathy. But it sounds like you've reached the point where your anxiety is holding your family back. Your daughters are being gifted the most amazing opportunities to travel abroad and expand their horizons with family who clearly love them dearly and don't actually sound that bad as in-laws go. As for your DH, I know from what my own DP has told me that living with someone who has anxiety is incredibly draining. He loves you, but you're asking him to take a stand against his parents who've actually done nothing wrong in the grand scheme of things.

Please consider steps to overcome your anxiety. One of the worst days of my life was when one of my DC starting exhibiting the same behaviour, because I'd never got help. Now I have, their outlook is improving but I wish I'd acted sooner.

Your in laws seem to have been undermining you for many years, in small ways. It probably shouldn't have come as such a surprise to you that they didn't tell you about this before discussing it with your DDs, as they want it to happen, and they want to put pressure on you to let it happen. Standard tactic.

Your DH should indeed have supported you more over the years - but he's not alone in not believing/understanding that his beloved parents could be unpleasant to his wife.

You are trying to overcome your anxiety around holidays abroad, which is great - you've agreed to one next year and have already had 2 - but this is one that you feel you're being railroaded into, and I can entirely see why it's different and you're not happy about it.

On the other hand I can see why your DH wants to go - it's his father's 60th birthday, and his grandparents (who presumably are in their 80s or 90s) are going too - so I think you probably do need to find it in yourself to try to go along. Your DDs will appreciate it far more if you're there too, as will your DH. Look into therapy to try to find a way to manage it - and if it's a big cruise ship, I'm sure there are plenty of ways you can avoid the ILs for much of the time! You might have to see them for dinner but you can find other things to do the rest of the time, even if it's just catching up on your reading or something.

After the cruise you can re-evaluate whether or not you continue to see the ILs. You've already said you're fine with your DDs and DH seeing them without you, and it's not that unusual to bow out of seeing them at this stage. I get on fine with my MIL but can't stand her other son, who often stays at her house - so my boys go over there with DH but not me far more often than I go too. It might not be ideal - but I won't stop them going, I just don't see why I should put myself through the awful discomfort of spending any time in that almighty twat's company unnecessarily.

@Frenchw1fe your family ignoring your 60th is a bit sad to me actually. Yes it’s not old but are they really so busy they can’t make an effort ? Not flying is fine but you can drive to France ?

Sorry, OP, but the main problem is your anxiety. Have you had any therapy for it? It should not be ruling your life for so long. I say this as someone who has, in the past, had severe anxiety.

Your children and husband are missing out. He should support you but not when he thinks you aren't being fair.

I think very young children it's odd for grandparents to want to take them away without their mum

But at the ages they are now or will be next year...what do you honestly think is the best thing for the children? Would they enjoy a cruise without you if your husband went? As much as it hurts to admit this! If so then why not? We used to go on holiday (caravan) with grandparents for a week or long weekend when we were the same age and it was some of the best childhood memories I have. One grandparent then died when I was 11 and the holidays stopped so I'm so glad we had that time

Right @EmilyL88 I want to be as kind as I can - I understand about anxiety. It's awful. And yes, the in-laws sound ...pushy. BUT.. please understand if you separate from your husband you will have NO CONTROL whatsoever what he does with his time with the children, who his children spend time with, and what caregivers he chooses unless a court decided someone is not fit or he is of unsound mind. Highly, highly unlikely from what you've said that a court would say anything other than that he is a loving dad and that they are loving grandparents. More likely is that you would be dismissed as deeply unreasonable. I understand that you have terrible consuming fears. And you need to seek therapy for this. It's not your fault, but somewhere in your past, there is a reason for this all consuming need to try and protect your children at all costs, and a reason for your distrust and fears. Please please please treasure and protect your marriage, which will be far more beneficial for the long term wellbeing of your children. Annoying (and in need of a few gentle boundary reminders) as they may be, there's nothing to suggest in your post that your in-laws are monsters. You are currently not seeing the wood for the trees. And hugs. It is entirely within your power to fix this.

Im sorry op, in the nicest way its you thats being unreasonable
They just want to be grandparents and dont want your anxiety rubbing off on your dd's. Your DH sounds incredibly patient . I hope you dont separate but you need some counselling.

I think YABU here TBH. You have anxiety but as other posters have said here there may be some treatment avaliable .Why not book an appointment with your GP? .Travel broadens the mind so they say ,your DC are missing out on time with their wider family .If you can go along as well it would be fantastic .Many In Laws can be a bit tactless with GC and it is something many of them do without realising! You need to start to let go slowly or they may go wild when they are older!

I don't think it's right that your inlaws discussed the holiday with the kids first, but you shouldn't allow your anxiety to affect your family like this.

It's restrictive and they will come to be resentful of you in the end.

If you can't go on the cruise...let them go. It's unfair for them to miss out.

Look into help...therapy, hypnotherapy or medication.

My DH is a bit of a daredevil and I'm very cautious, but I wouldn't prevent him taking the DC. He can fly a plane and I'm too scared to fly with him in a light aircraft, but I would never stop the DC going. They love it.

You need to get your anxiety sorted, that is the main crux of your issues. Your anguish will rub off on your daughters no matter how you try and conceal it. It's not fair that you are allowing your anxiousness to dictate that the rest of your family cannot enjoy holidays abroad. The GPs sound a little overbearing but a lot of in-laws can be, my lovely in-laws can be sometimes! Anxiety is awful but I do feel for your DH.

I think you need to seek help for your anxiety. They aren't in the country for half of the year!

It would make sense to holiday in Spain with them, it would be a great experience for your family.

PPs are right, your family are missing out due to your anxiety.

Nothing your ILs have said sounds that bah tbh. Classic in law comments, just brush them off and move on.

Your in laws sound annoying but I agree the real strain on your marriage is your anxiety. It’s not just limiting your life, it’s also having an effect on your family.

Please try and get more help so you can do things with your DC. Until that is possible I think you should be waving them off with DH and your inlaws and hoping they have a good time.

It was wrong for the grandparents to talk about holidays and such to your children without discussing with you and their son. Also not on is grandparents ignoring or trying to change your children’s views on meat. Why they feel the need to say things or make such comments about such things is ridiculous and quite rude to make negative comments about people’s home or pets (family or not).

Your husband was being unreasonable by trying to push another holiday before you even go on the one you already have planned. I think it is great that you are ok with him and your daughters to go without you, and he shouldn’t be trying to force you to go.

I do agree that you may need additional help with your anxiety, but I also agree with you that your in-laws are not helping matters by their actions and words. I agree with distancing yourself from them and your husband should support you on this because it is effecting your health and the relationship you two have. You shouldn’t have to be around people who make digs at you that hurt your feelings and your husband isn’t helping matters by saying they mean no harm. That’s dismissive of your feelings and making you out to be the one who should just suck it up instead of telling his parents they are being rude which I also guess has likely added to your anxiety.

It’s perhaps a bit out of order for them to get your dds excited about a very exciting sounding trip when they might not be going. But if travel isn’t your thing can your dh just take them ? It might be really nice ? I went on holiday with an aunt at 11, away for 2 nights with brownies from 8 yrs old, then 4 nights with Guides from 11, week long school trips from yr6, then a week away with a friends family every year from being in year 7 onwards. Doesn’t mean my parents didn’t love me they just let me go and enjoy myself !

They may not have gone about it the right way, but your in-laws have your dc’s interests at heart. Don’t put your anxiety on them. It’s very selfish to prevent them from going away without you because of your anxiety. Also, your dh is entitled to take your dad’s to your fil bday if he wants to. You don’t have to go if that’s what you choose.

Please get some help for your anxiety and let your dd’s live their life. You’re very lucky to have such an understanding dh who has put up with this for so many years. I know I wouldn’t.