In laws putting strain on marriage.

[EmilyL88]

Hi,
I'm new here, please forgive me for a negative first post but I've come for some advice from you lovely people please if you can be bothered to read this monstrosity.

I moved away from my family to live with my husband and got on wonderfully with his family until I became pregnant at 20. His family got so excited they started getting baby equipment ready etc which got my back up as I planned pretty much attachment parenting and breastfeeding. This worsened when they realised I planned long term feeding and didn't want to leave her at an early age. First small things like wandering off around the house with her, having things personalised with their surname despite us being unmarried. All ignored until my MIL progressed to making comments (to the tiny baby but aimed at me) such as you'll have to go back to be fed as it's the only thing mummy can do that Nanny cant.

I have MAJOR anxiety. It used to be so severe I struggled to leave the house however it was at a well managed stage despite a bit of the baby blues. What I couldn't cope with was being away from home so holidays were near impossible and flying just out of the question. It remains the only thing I haven't conquered. My in laws live half of the year in Spain and always asked when we would be taking DD over. She made comments (again to the baby) such as we'll have to take you to Spain without your mummy won't We whilst i sat horrified, miles away from my own family. My DH found this hard to believe however we moved on from this.

Fast forward 10 years and we have 2 DDs. 7 and 10 who we adore. We also have a happy marriage. Comments have been made to the children from time to time which upset me such as, "there's too many animals.in your house" "it stinks in that room" "your mum is ill due to kissing the dogs "
I'm a vet nurse but despite having family pets our house is clean and hygienic.
I'm vegan and my DDs are veggie and we've had issues of the in laws encouraging them to eat meat. My husband adores his family, they're very close and it ended up being me asking them to respect the girls wishes regarding their diet. They're huge animal lovers and both decided at different time independently to become veggie.

Our recent fall out however is because our DDs have been coming home from grandparents saying they have been talking to them about taking them on holiday. First it was we'll take you to italy, then you can come out to Spain in the summer while you're mum and dad are working (they claim this was to be helpful however it was never discussed with myself or DH before telling the girls) and finally about a cruise for FILs 60th next year. DDs have said on numerous occasions that this has been discussed and they have been shown videos of cruise ships and pools and kids clubs however this has never been mentioned to me.

As I said earlier my anxiety has prevented holidays abroad. We have camped and caravanned and even had 2 holidays abroad however DH felt DDs were still missing out.
We booked a big holiday abroad 2 weeks ago for next year and already I am petrefied and have had panic attacks but we will go and I will aim to hide it from DDs.
The nail in the coffin was when this week he mentioned the cruise and how the whole family will be going and he wants us to go. I said its too much as we havent even got through the first one and i feel very let down about the way this has been discussed with DDs before me and without considering my feelings. I said I couldn't go which led to a huge argument during which DH said it could be the last holiday with his grandparents and as it's FILs 60th I should at least be trying.

I ended up arguing with MIL who claimed the children hadn't worded the conversations to me in the same way they were worded to them. Either way i am angry that this was ever discussed with myself or DH before hand.

DH and I are at the point of separation becoming an option due to all of this as I feel he has never supported me. He admits he should have done a long time ago but claims they mean nothing by it. I feel its very personal as they didnt have free reign with the grandchildren. We can not agree on a way to move forward from this now.

If you've read to the end then thank you so so much. We would both really appreciate your opinions (honest opinions) on this as we both feel we have suffered due to this. I still love DH very much however feel my relationship with the in laws is over. I would never stop DH taking DDs to see their grandparents however DH feels its unreasonable that ive come to a stage where i no longer want to see them. Any advice you may be able to offer is much appreciated.
Thanks xx

Definitely get therapy to help with the anxiety and also processing your relationship with the in laws and feelings around their behaviour over the years. I have overbearing ILs (well, MIL) and it is a massive anxiety trigger for me, I’m coming to the end of a course of CBT sessions and planning more therapy as I don’t want to spend my time thinking/worrying about any of it or having it affect me over the next however many decades. Your partner can help by standing up to them more - I understand that feeling of being boxed into a corner by ILs and it’s horrible. Sorry I don’t have better advice on what to do but just know that you aren’t alone!

Your anxiety is ruling your life and that if your hubby and children that is not fair. You need to sort it out otherwise your anxiety will be transferred to your children that is not good x

Your DH sounds like a star to me, he has had to revolve his life around your anxiety, go on holidays to destinations that do not involve flying, and make a supreme sacrifice on his life with you. Some of his concerns would have spilt out privately to the PIL, so they know how he feels, and they to are effected by your anxiety. As for your children, your anxiety is effecting their development, and it shouldn't in fact anyone who has a phobia, should not pass that phobia on to their children, whether that be heights, worms, bats, spiders, whatever. You may never get over your anxiety, but please release your family from those bonds, so that they can be with the IL, or anywhere else. Best Wishes

You definitely need to get professional help for your anxiety. You seem to be using it as 'get out of jail free' card which means what suits you trumps the wishes and enjoyment of everyone else in the family.

Let dh and dc go on holiday without you sometimes
Get therapy to help you eg CBT

So you say your husband has been unsupportive - despite family holidays being arranged round you for years - and now he's wanting to do something different you think the relationship is at an end? That sounds dreadfully controlling and I do think it's down to your anxiety, not your inlaws OP. Would you be happy if your DH and your DC go on the cruise without you, because that might be a good compromise?

I'd imagine the grandparents keep offering holidays as they are watching their GC miss out terribly.

I don’t know if I completely agree with many posts. Yes your anxiety needs addressing, your girls are missing out. And if things had been handled differently I think it would of been lovely for your DH and girls to go assuming finances allow, even if you don’t feel you can. BUT I suspect this would be an easier option if your DH had stood beside you more as a unit over the years, the grandparents wouldn’t make comments and undermine you if they didn’t think they could. Been there, done it for years, considered leaving DH (seriously) as although he knew they were wrong ‘it’s just what they are like and it’s just as they love their DGC’. It was one of the main strains on our relationship. Fast forward he finally stood up to some bad behaviour, showed we are a family unit (that they are welcome to join in with lots so long as they have some respect) and it’s much much much better now (I actually enjoy their company more often than not). So perhaps he needs to address with his parents how badly they have approached it (It should NEVER be mentioned to kids before parents let alone showing them pictures etc!) and that they have potentially jeopardised them coming due to their lack of respect for you all. Your relationship and feeling like a unit should come before a 60th (he could have decades more). And if they had been adults in how they had approached it rather than manipulating it they probably would of had their son and DGC there. At some point sometimes a stand does need to be made or it’s just going to carry on.

I hope you haven't run away,OP. I know these posts must be really hard to read. But you asked for honest opinions, and I'm sure that the vast majority of us understand how difficult you find things. I'm glad that a lot of other anxiety sufferers have come on to empathise but also nudge you into action that will support you and your family.

I also hope that, if your partner is reading too, despite the support he has had on here, he won't be too "I told you so" about it, and will support you by asking his family not to communicate their wishes to you through the children.

Oh lovely with the best will in the world

Your whole family are at the whim of your anxiety, and it's not fair on anyone

The grandparents feel pushed out and probably walking on eggshells around you
The kids will learn all of your behaviour ref panic attacks and anxiety
And I suspect that even though he loves you still, deep down he's sick of the arguments surrounding the elephant in the room.

Everything revolves round what you want or need etc, no holidays abroad, the kids aren't allowed a holiday on their own with grandparents

Your husband is having to constantly make excuses for your anxiety and behaviour to do with it

So, the one constant here is you, you need to see a therapist and as soon as possible op, this isnt just ruining your life it's trashing everyone's

💐

I think it is a different story when your children were babies and toddlers not being away from them. Surely if you feel you are unable to go on a trip you can let your husband take them now - if it ends up splitting you up he would be able to take them anyway during custody visit anyway!. At their age it’s such a lovely opportunity. It would be such a shame if they pick up on being away from home is something to be feared

@Guiltypleasures001

What she said.

It sounds like you are being unfair and unreasonable. Let your husband take them. You are holding your kids back from living their life and taking advantage of opportunities offered to them. You need to be proactive in getting treatment for your anxiety. It would be so sad if your problem was passed on to them. Your children are lucky they had other adults in their lives.

I would also be very cross if someone was discussing holidays with my children before chatting to me and DH about it. Not necessarily due to any worries about it but of course there's a cost factor as well as checking the dates etc. So I can really see how you would be annoyed about that.

Your in-laws also sound pretty rude in their comments to you and DH clearly hasn't challenged them on it. It might be helpful to seek some support for your anxiety so you can work towards your own family holiday next year. I don't think it's unreasonable to have some space from the in-laws in the meantime.

However, the cruise is a special 60th birthday thing for your FIL so I presume not likely to be repeated any time soon and the timing is clearly dictated by them and his birthday. Therefore I don't think it's unreasonable for DH to take the children if you don't feel able to go.

To add, my niece's and nephews are late twenties now and benefitted from some amazing holidays with my parents and they hold those memories dear. My children won't ever have that opportunity unfortunately.

I wouldn’t want to discuss holidays with you, as you would just say no anyway, so what’s the point in even asking. The problem is your anxiety, that’s fine, it’s not your fault, but I wouldn’t punish my kids because I was too scared to get on a plane, I would let their dad take them with the in-laws.

In laws are annoying, but in this one case, I don’t think they have done anything wrong.

Your PiLs sound horrible, Emily! Overbearing, controlling and rude to you. Treating you like a child in your own home, trying to overrule your decisions, inviting your children away without your permission, saying you have too many animals and the room stinks -- what a cheek! I wouldn't want them in my life.

Your DH is putting his birth family first, when he should be prioritising you and the children .Your DDs should not be encouraged to disregard you or see you as a problem -- that's not good for them or you. They won't die of not going on a cruise!

Your DH should have taken the lead long ago (since it's his family) and made it clear that they have to stop this. He really does need to start standing up to them now.

Having said that, I do agree with others that you may need further help with your anxiety. Hanab has some helpful suggestions, on this thread.

You have made great progress already. You are holding down a demanding professional job and bringing your children up successfully. This trouble with your PiLs has probably been fuelling your anxiety over the years.

Better support from your DH could help both with your anxiety and with your pushy PiLs. He shouldn't have let this reach the stage where it's endangering your marriage.

Best of luck with working on the anxiety problem, but I also hope your DH will start standing up to his parents.

Tbh though some houses with lots of pets do smell quite badly. It’s only a problem for visitors though because if you live there you are ‘nose blind’ or don’t mind because of your love for the pets. My brother won’t go to our cousins because their two dogs really are quite stinky and they have a room of unusual pets which smel very strongly too and it permeates the downstairs. But other members of the family don’t mind

Comments have been made to the children from time to time which upset me such as, "there's too many animals.in your house" "it stinks in that room" "your mum is ill due to kissing the dogs "

These kind of comments are rude and disrespectful.

Your DH should have put a stop to this.

Why couldn't they have gone away without you. What reasons have you given for them to not be allowed?

I agree with you thumb witch and people behaving like ops in laws, people who needle, don't back off, manipulate and undermine, grab and take, make competitive remarks, the condition the dc to do what they want... Can create anxiety in anyone!! Awful behaviour.

However op, on this occasion... I'd bite the bullet and go... If they are awful and you can tell dh you will not be treated like shit..

Never see them again.

Over the years I mean, not just this particular holiday

Christ op all I'm hearing is my anxiety, you are holding your kids back from making lovely memories. Are you a tad bit jealous because your anxiety holds you back from doing all of these things? You do not like your mil or her family and boy she knows it. You are hard work. Rather than misdirecting your anger at mil how about making a plan to deal with your anxiety and hopefully you can make wonderful memories with your DC? Theres stuff I cant do due to my circumstances so when my DC grandparents offer and take my DC away I'm thankful because I know it's good for the kids.

I would never stop DH taking DDs to see their grandparents however DH feels its unreasonable that ive come to a stage where i no longer want to see them.

So why are posters assuming OP is stopping her daughters?

Sounds like OP’s husband is stopping them because he wants OP to go when she doesn’t want to and has ignored the treatment his mum has given her. We have seen many threads where DILs decide they want to step away from the in-laws but aren’t stopping their partners from taking the children with them and posters commenting that the in-laws could make negative remarks about the mum when she is not around. Some posters have even said that they have gone low contact with their in-laws and felt they were in a much better place for doing so.

We have camped and caravanned and even had 2 holidays abroad however DH felt DDs were still missing out.
We booked a big holiday abroad 2 weeks ago for next year and already I am petrefied and have had panic attacks but we will go and I will aim to hide it from DDs.

This part is a bit confusing.. however OP is trying to deal with her anxiety and is still going to this holiday planned so far.

I wonder if she didn’t have anxiety would people be saying that she is the main problem.

Her husband knows about her anxiety yet allows his parents to make negative comments about her, their home, and even their (her and children’s) diets. He also admits that he should have been standing up for her, yet dismisses her feelings while standing up for his parents by saying “they mean nothing by it .” Him saying that doesn’t make it true and it is obviously doing harm to OP and adding to her anxiety. She has dealt with their behaviour for a decade, on top of dealing with her anxiety. I agree she likely needs more help, but I disagree that she is the main issue here. I say it is a DH problem for allowing the behaviour to continue and not backing her up and trying to already push something knowing that OP is struggling with the holiday they already booked. I understand he wants her to be at his father 60th, but trying to push her to go when he could go without her is only adding to him once again dismissing her feelings and refusing to acknowledge the way his parents treat her.

Hi OP,
I think you should go to counselling to try to unpick what is going on with you. I think it is more than you being anxious about travelling.

It is interesting that you start your story with your inlaws being excited about your children being born and wanting a relationship with them but you sound gleeful that you were able to say “sorry i will be feeding them or wearing them for the next couple of years so no can do”. It sounded like you were glad you had this defence to keep them at bay. I wonder if you not being able to travel/holiday works for you on some level as another way of preventing your children having a relationship with their grandparents.

Do your inlaws baby sit/ take your children to the farm park/cinema/trampoline park or do you have various reasons why they cannot? Do/Will you allow your children to go to other activities e.g. my son is 10 and has been to a couple of school camps and quite a few camps with beavers then cubs. Is it any activity that they can’t do or only where your inlaws are concerned?

I agree if you can’t travel yourself you should still let your girls go. Your post reads like there is the assumption that if you cant go the girls can’t. Why is that? They are not breast feeding one year olds anymore and have a right to their own relationships beyond you. Especially when their dad is going. Surely you trust him to look after them?

My second child has a big age gap so due to their different needs my husband has took my eldest on a trip around Italy just the two of them and another time to Germany with him, grandad and a cousin. They had a wonderful time. Sure I worried a little and felt relieved each time I got a text update but I can’t keep an adventurous young sole home by my side forever - you need to let them grow. At 7 and 10 they don’t belong to you in the same way that little breast feeding baby did. They have a right to their own relationships, choices and experiences. Don’t hold them back or make them isolated or grow up afraid of their own shadows. If you can’t do it without help then get help!