In laws putting strain on marriage.

[EmilyL88]

Hi,
I'm new here, please forgive me for a negative first post but I've come for some advice from you lovely people please if you can be bothered to read this monstrosity.

I moved away from my family to live with my husband and got on wonderfully with his family until I became pregnant at 20. His family got so excited they started getting baby equipment ready etc which got my back up as I planned pretty much attachment parenting and breastfeeding. This worsened when they realised I planned long term feeding and didn't want to leave her at an early age. First small things like wandering off around the house with her, having things personalised with their surname despite us being unmarried. All ignored until my MIL progressed to making comments (to the tiny baby but aimed at me) such as you'll have to go back to be fed as it's the only thing mummy can do that Nanny cant.

I have MAJOR anxiety. It used to be so severe I struggled to leave the house however it was at a well managed stage despite a bit of the baby blues. What I couldn't cope with was being away from home so holidays were near impossible and flying just out of the question. It remains the only thing I haven't conquered. My in laws live half of the year in Spain and always asked when we would be taking DD over. She made comments (again to the baby) such as we'll have to take you to Spain without your mummy won't We whilst i sat horrified, miles away from my own family. My DH found this hard to believe however we moved on from this.

Fast forward 10 years and we have 2 DDs. 7 and 10 who we adore. We also have a happy marriage. Comments have been made to the children from time to time which upset me such as, "there's too many animals.in your house" "it stinks in that room" "your mum is ill due to kissing the dogs "
I'm a vet nurse but despite having family pets our house is clean and hygienic.
I'm vegan and my DDs are veggie and we've had issues of the in laws encouraging them to eat meat. My husband adores his family, they're very close and it ended up being me asking them to respect the girls wishes regarding their diet. They're huge animal lovers and both decided at different time independently to become veggie.

Our recent fall out however is because our DDs have been coming home from grandparents saying they have been talking to them about taking them on holiday. First it was we'll take you to italy, then you can come out to Spain in the summer while you're mum and dad are working (they claim this was to be helpful however it was never discussed with myself or DH before telling the girls) and finally about a cruise for FILs 60th next year. DDs have said on numerous occasions that this has been discussed and they have been shown videos of cruise ships and pools and kids clubs however this has never been mentioned to me.

As I said earlier my anxiety has prevented holidays abroad. We have camped and caravanned and even had 2 holidays abroad however DH felt DDs were still missing out.
We booked a big holiday abroad 2 weeks ago for next year and already I am petrefied and have had panic attacks but we will go and I will aim to hide it from DDs.
The nail in the coffin was when this week he mentioned the cruise and how the whole family will be going and he wants us to go. I said its too much as we havent even got through the first one and i feel very let down about the way this has been discussed with DDs before me and without considering my feelings. I said I couldn't go which led to a huge argument during which DH said it could be the last holiday with his grandparents and as it's FILs 60th I should at least be trying.

I ended up arguing with MIL who claimed the children hadn't worded the conversations to me in the same way they were worded to them. Either way i am angry that this was ever discussed with myself or DH before hand.

DH and I are at the point of separation becoming an option due to all of this as I feel he has never supported me. He admits he should have done a long time ago but claims they mean nothing by it. I feel its very personal as they didnt have free reign with the grandchildren. We can not agree on a way to move forward from this now.

If you've read to the end then thank you so so much. We would both really appreciate your opinions (honest opinions) on this as we both feel we have suffered due to this. I still love DH very much however feel my relationship with the in laws is over. I would never stop DH taking DDs to see their grandparents however DH feels its unreasonable that ive come to a stage where i no longer want to see them. Any advice you may be able to offer is much appreciated.
Thanks xx

Just to echo all the previous comments, I agree that it would be helpful to seek help for your anxiety. The fact that you've managed to go before and that you've booked to go again shows that you're obviously trying, but it's not always as simple as jumping into the lions den.

Just out of interest, what specifically about going on holiday triggers your anxiety?

Whilst they don't come across as the easiest in laws, the real problem I see is anxiety. It's not your fault! but it is affecting family life, it's preventing normal family activities and fun things like a big family holiday for a milestone birthday. Can't you seek help for your anxiety? Surely it's better than your marriage failing???

I still love DH very much however feel my relationship with the in laws is over. I would never stop DH taking DDs to see their grandparents however DH feels its unreasonable that ive come to a stage where i no longer want to see them.

OP isn’t stopping the children from going to see their grandparents, she is the one who wants to step away from her in-laws.

Your anxiety should not be a cage for your entire family to live within
^
This is one of the wisest things ever written on MN about a parent with anxiety.

There is now a huge body of research based evidence that anxious parents in turn create anxious children. (University of Sussex)

Please please get help with the anxiety. It just isn't good enough for your DH and children to have to live a life that tiptoes around your issues.

@Thumbs
Good post.

I can definitely imagine your anxiety has not been helped by your in-laws undermining you.

Your MIL sounds like a right dose, with her sly digs at you.

I think it was very wrong of them to be speaking about holidays before speaking to you first.

I can also imagine how disappointing it must be to feeling so discussed and that your husband isn't particularly loyal to you.

I also don't think it is the total end of the world for children not to holiday abroad. Lovely for sure but hardly critical.

Definitely getting help for your anxiety is obvious.

Whether you wish to remain with your husband will probably become clearer in time.

Wishing you the best.💐

Mmmm will be interesting to see what the op responds with. I have anxiety doubt treatment and deal with it. Not easy it took 3 years but I’ve never stopped my child do something.
YABU op. Sorry

Your anxiety seems to have ruined your life. You need to seek medical help.

I wonder how the OP became anxious in the first place? Undermined and unsupported from the first minute, isolated from her own family.

If this was a normal family dynamic I might agree that anxiety is the real issue here. But it's a red herring when we're talking about in-laws trying to push meat on a vegetarian or spending a long period of time talking up a holiday that the MOTHER of the kids has no idea is in the works.

What a bunch of mean bastards they are, your DH included.

I think your anxiety and not your inlaws have put a strain on your marriage. They sound rude at times, but I think their hearts are in the right place. Plus we all say things and offend people sometimes. Don't clip your children's wings.

I agree with other posters. Whilst your PIL sound overbearing and as though they have consistently overstepped, the main issue here seems to be your anxiety. Are you getting any help?
This cruise seems like a pretty significant holiday for your husbands side of the family, and as it's celebrating a big birthday it will be a one off too, what's stopping your husband taking the kids without you?

I have severe anxiety so can relate. But I'll a just say that if you seperate then your ex husband will be taking the kids away without you and most definitely to your in laws in Spain. Would this be alright with you?

I have chronic anxiety, which manifests in me being unable to leave my home town etc etc.
However, OP, you are being unreasonable and selfish, allowing your issues to affect your family. Please get some help and let your family breathe.

It’s not them !

OP, in the nicest possible way, living with someone with severe anxiety is increbibly difficult. Clearly it's very hard for you but it will be very hard for your DH and especially your children, no matter how hard you try to hide it.

You ILs sound pretty standard. My MIL was an expert at the passive aggressive comments to DS when he was a baby (obviously aimed at me) but I picked her up on them every single time, at the time. By the time DD came along she knew that I just wouldn't have it - we have a really good relationship now. We both know our boundaries with each other.

What reasons do you have for not wanting them to take your DD's away? I didn't let mine take my DD away because she has a medical condition that MIL just couldn't deal with, so it was a no brainer for us. Can your DH take them on the cruise if you don't want to go? It does sound like you don't really want them to be part of your family unit, that you want to keep them seperate from your girls almost?

I think you really need to seek proper help for your anxiety, for your sake and for your family. You clearly love your DH and your girls. You need to do it for them but, in particular, for yourself.

Agree @Dutch1e

Not sure how OP is the main issue when she isn’t stopping her daughters from going or seeing them, but choosing not to put up with her in-laws anymore. Interesting that her husband doesn’t seem to want to travel alone with his two daughters knowing his wife’s anxiety and his own parents’ behaviour towards her, but then again and I he seems to think his parents’ remarks aren’t a big deal.

Op I really hope that you are having on going help for your anxiety. It’s not enough to say I have anxiety and then make your DH and DC suffer for it. You need to be getting professional help, firstly for yourself and then them.

To be honest your PIL sound a little pushy but not monsters by any means. It’s extremely common to clash when babies are born. It sounds like they don’t want your DH/DC to miss out and they shouldn’t. What happens when DC grow up and want to travel and see the world? (My sister and I are both living in Australia while our parents are back home in Ireland. They have always been extremely supportive of us chasing our dreams)

Thinking if you split with DH and the in laws will go away and you will keep DC in YOUR bubble is not going to be the outcome. If you split they will see more of the in-laws and travel more and you will have lost your DH too. How would you feel if he went on to marry again? Your DC would have another family.

Your illness is your illness alone. Yes your DH can support you while you get help if he chooses but it’s for you to take the help. Your current set up sounds miserable for you all but only you can change that.

Good luck.

OP, these posts must be really difficult for you to read, I really hope you understand that most people are trying to offer helpful advice. There is help out there for your anxiety, but you need to take the first step.

You say at the end of your post that your DH has never supported you, yet he's gone along with this 'no holidays abroad' business for what - 10 years? 12 years? I think he's probably put up with a lot, reading between the lines, and you don't even realise, so caught up are you in your anxiety.

So firstly, are you receiving treatment for your anxiety? Do you have medication that you can take? Have you had some kind of talking therapy, CBT or similar offered to you and have you done it?

Secondly, your ILs sound passive aggressive (particularly your MIL), but I think that's par for the course with most MILs. Mine certainly made similar comments when DS1 was little and tried to impose her (very different) parenting views on me. DH never said anything, but I didn't really expect him to get in the middle and have an argument with his DM - it was much easier to just ignore and do it our way. Your ILs were wrong, IMO, to keep banging on about this cruise to your DDs without discussing it with you. I suspect that they think you'll just veto it (which you will, won't you?), and they are eager to have their GDs go on it, so before you and your DH split up how about the four of you sit down and discuss this proposed holiday like adults? I'm shocked that you would break up your marriage over what is really something that most couples have to deal with - i.e. the differing views and parenting opinions of different generations.

One final thing, your anxiety is your anxiety. Try not to let it impact your DDs and prevent them from doing things in life. I know it's hard, but you really need to try and get a handle on it. It is your problem, not theirs.

Echoing what SpiderCharlotte said. Lots of these posts must be difficult to read, but it's only because we've been there ourselves and know how debilitating anxiety can be.

They should have mentioned it to you first, but maybe thought they couldn't approach you.
It does sound like manipulation.

However, I agree with others you need to sort out your anxiety, balls to covering it up well with the kids, they'll know, they always do.
having been there with the best of your interests at heart, sort it out ffs, get some help.

OP you need help

Has your older dd been on a school residential?

Your ILs sound on the controlling side with the surname and approaching the DDs about the holidays.

But I understand that they must be very disappointed that the girls still can't go away without you. Is there a compromise that can be made like your h taking the girls ?

Have you had an therapy to deal with the anxiety?

I'm sorry but you're being unreasonable. I'm sure your in laws have been annoying and insensitive at times (but everyone is annoying sometimes!). Your girls are very lucky to have generous grandparents willing to offer them such lovely experiences. You can't let your anxiety hold your DH and daughters back from these holidays. Let them go, for goodness sake!! My DH and I laws have taken the kids away a few times when I couldn't get time off work. It was absolute bliss for me to have some time to myself,so relaxing. It must be very difficult fir your DH to have his life ruled by your anxiety.

My understanding would be that ops anxiety was worse pre pregnancy.

I agree with the consensus I’m afraid. This must be very difficult to read

I don’t think anxiety is the main issue here. OP is moving forward with her anxiety on a time scale that suits her family by going abroad next year. I think it’s entirely reasonable to go at her pace and I think it’s bonkers to suggest that her DC are having any less than a perfect childhood because they’ve not holidayed abroad. That reflects the privilege of the majority of posters on here. I think it’s fantastic if your holiday next year is the beginning of you being able to travel further afield as a family OP and I hope your anxiety improves as you challenge it

I can completely see that your in-laws will have got your back up with their over-bearing nature. I think it’s really difficult to repair relationships damaged in the hormone-driven postnatal period, and it sounds like your MIL is a bit of a sneak, to put it lightly. I think you should be honest about your anxiety to them and DH needs to tell them to back off, and that you’re dealing with your anxiety about travel as a couple and that outside pressure won’t be tolerated. Don’t lose your DH over this.