To be very excited for having a child in a few years?

[meroyah]

We've recently decided to have a child once we're stable enough - buy a house, reasonable working hours. I predict we'll have a house by the end of 2020 if not mid 2021, working hours will reduce (for DH at least) when we're not saving so intensely and he's essentially the sole income until I qualify as a Veterinary Nurse in April 2020.

The thing is, if I was left to follow my uterus, I would have a child now!
Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what it will be like?

I'm currently at the end of my nursing course, looking forward to having a proper income but I'm so excited for these big life moments! We would like to travel both with and without a child, see some of the world.

I try not to live in the future too much or I worry I'll not appreciate the present, but when myself and DH go for evening walks in the village with the dog, I can't help but want a little pushchair with our own person inside.

Can you tell me some harsh realities of being a parent so maybe I'll stop?

DH is also excited but not to the same level.

It's amazing but don't wish away your 20s.i adore my boy but he still wakes 5/6 times a night at 10 months. Many, many nights I've had 2/3 hours sleep and you still have to go on the next day and power through.

Maybe it depends what family support you have, we have none so I haven't been with my partner alone for 10 months - I do miss out "date" time and just being able to nip out for things.

I also had a hellish pregnancy but that's another story!

Being a mum is the most special thing in the world but it's hard work!

I was a bit like you. I had dd1 straight from college.

I love the children and am happy with how life has gone, but I would advise, get established at work, build up a bit of savings and enjoy being a couple for a couple of years first.

In a lot of ways it was great. But a couple of years work would have meant that when I started applying for work once the children were at school I would have found it easier to get a job. I had a good maths degree but all a lot of places saw was that I had never worked with it.
My friends from college were looking at primary schools for their first when I was applying for secondary for my last.
Some of my friends have babies-if dd1 goes the same route as me, I could have grandchildren at the same schools as them!!

But we're at the stage where we're getting more freedoms at a point many of my college friends are just getting less.

It does depend on the child as to how much you can do with them. Dd1 could go anywhere. Dd2 wasn't too bad. Ds no way. If nothing else he had constant ear infections, but he wasn't a sit still and colour child.
No one can say whether your child will be one like dd1 who would colour happily for 2 hours at 18 months, or ds who would never had lasted for more than 10 minutes.

As PP says... The things that other people say are hard you won't necessarily find yourself. I've never had trouble getting out the house early but I've had a bad sleeper which others might not have found so it's all unique to you

I was like you, we would do everything exactly the same just with a small person and it would all be very adult and grown up and I would teach my child about the finer things in life etc. And we did take him to nice restaurants and everything for a bit.

Then he became a toddler. Things really do change then. But by then you're ready for it. You'd do anything for them. 7pm bedtimes, tantrums in Asda, inexplicably spending all your spare money on Hey Duggee figurines etc just becomes the norm. But I love it.

When we are out and about feeding the ducks or shopping and he's trudging along beside me in his muddy welly boots, hair all scruffy, his warm little hand is in mine and he's looking up at me and beaming, I feel like I'm in heaven.

It is awesome OP. Yes there are inconveniences but much of it is like falling in love and 24 is biologically the perfect age (and the average in my mother’s generation).

Personally I advise people to have children as soon as they feel ready, since I was fertile enough to have one child but then my eggs went rubbish young and we haven’t been able to have another. But this view is unpopular I know.

Nothing at all wrong with being excited but just be wary that things don't always happen so easily and you may be waiting a long time. My husband and I got married, waited until we earned a good salary, bought the big house and started trying and nothing happened. We were only 25 when we started and Five years later and £12000 worth of IVF we're still waiting, though our son is finally due in 8 weeks. It took my best friend 3 years of trying and my sister nearly 2 so just bear in mind that sometimes you have to wait longer than you might think to even get the baby. I had dreams of travelling with the baby but after the expense of getting one we won't be travelling for years. Good luck to you and keep being excited though!

Once you have a baby you will hate your husband, at least for the first few months

We would solely be relying on paid childcare for me to return to work
Pedantic but important - you would be relying on childcare if both of you return to work, it's the same for your dh and for you. Don't start from the assumption that you have unequal roles in this before you are even pg.

@meroyah I think Pp have been harsh to you.

Yes, don't underestimate that 1 in 6 will experience fertility problems, but you are expressing your excitement for starting a family, there is no need to accuse you of being insensitive. And your in your early 20s thinking of starting a family in the next 5 years.

Personally the years I most enjoyed were those after leaving uni. I worked loads ( any extra shifts) which has made life much easier in the other side of having children in terms if saving and where I got to in my career ( could ask for part time)travelled & voluteered abroad to places I wouldn't be able to now ( too risky with dependents e.g. diseases, instability of country etc)

Totally agree a lot depends on the child you get which maybe very different to yiur dream. Yes there are chilled out babies who sleep like a dream and babies with colic who scream for hours on end. You don't know what you are getting.

I've gone into parenthood with the attitude nothing is going to stop me and willing to have a go at anything with the kids, but 'is it worth the hassle ?' Is a good question to ask!

Examples being

Holidays Screaming overtired children, out of routine , too hot in the sun, delayed flights etc being confined to a hotel room after 6pm with toddlers

Going on days out- the amount if stuff you end up taking is unreal, especially with 2+ kids e.g. buggy, bikes, suncream, hats, puddlesuits, wellies etc etc

Sleep - yes imagine a run of 7 night shifts at work, but instead of being able to sleep.in the day, imagine having to entertain a toddler, cook, clean etc. Continue this for a least 6 months ( generous estimate!)

They are magical but such hard work!!! You will never get this carefree time back. Book a holiday somewhere exciting begore even thinking of children.

Ooh and not having family nearby makes it much harder. I'd be screwed if I don't wait until my job paid well relying on childcare.. .

QuietCrotchgoblins she asked for harsh realities to help her stop fixating on babies before she's actually ready (finished her qualifications etc).

Nobody is being harsh, they're doing as she asked!

Holidays Screaming overtired children, out of routine , too hot in the sun, delayed flights etc being confined to a hotel room after 6pm with toddlers

We hired holiday villas with our own pool and took baby and toddler out with us in the evening.

Ultimately you can have a baby that cries every 2 hours till they are 4 years old or you can have a baby that sleeps through the night from 10 weeks old.

You can have a baby/child who is easy going or you can have a baby/child that you battle with from putting in their first nappy to getting them to get out of bed to go to school.

You can have a child that is a grade A student or you can spend years battling schools because your child is dyslexic

You really don’t know what you are going to get.

You can work round traveling and going out and everything else.

I will say though when you have a baby you do say goodbye to privacy, money and from the moment they are born that peace of mind of not worrying about another human being.

Mine are both working age and I still worry when they are not in.

I still wait up for Dd to come home after one of her 3am shifts.
Or when they go out even to the local Tesco’s.

I am really glad that I waited for a few more years after broodyness kicked in to build up savings, focus on careers and travel. Travelling with children is possible but just isn’t the same. The thing that no-one can prepare you for us the relentlessness of bringing up children. We have had a really tricky couple of weeks with sickness and we’re exhausted with no respite or break. That is the bit that I find hard. But, there is nothing as lovely as hearing a baby giggle or watching a toddler achieve something new.

I have 3. I had them when 30, 32 and 35.
My only regret is not starting earlier. Having babies has been incredible.

In the end, it is about how much you mind the tough bits. After all, some people deliberately choose to climb mountains or sail the ocean for their holidays. The kind of person whose idea of a nice time is a lounge chair with cocktails must think that a horrendous mistake. But the truth is that there are people who actively enjoy it.
My parents took 4 children around Europe on trains and local buses, with very little spending money, one child inclined to whine, and another prone to spectacular tantrums- but we still had fun and they remember those times as the best times of their life. They were the active type, though, and liked a challenge.

I also have good memories of active holidays when things didn't go exactly right. So far from hating my husband, I used to look at him as he stood by the bus stop in the middle of nowhere making up stories for dc to make them forget they were cold and tired and think what an amazing man he was and how I would never have known the whole of it if we hadn't had children.

Sorry, can't help! It's lovely to see someone excited about having children when so many people nowadays are so negative about it all.

Let’s hope your future babies have the same ideas as you OP.

We used to travel a lot and fully intended to with children. One has autism and the other gets terribly travel sick so it hasn’t quite worked out. Not sure superior parenting would have prevented these things.

We have lovely holidays in tame UK and European locations where they can make friends with other kids. Not what we planned but we enjoy it. Luckily they like old towns and castles and the odd museum or gallery.

First baby had terrible reflux and didn’t sleep. I got very anxious and depressed. After several difficult years she was diagnosed with ASD. So glad I had lots of fun and established myself in work before hand. I’ve proved myself in the work place which had helped in getting support through the hard times.

My two are both awesome, funny and clever. Brilliant company. It’s been hard going though.

I didn’t have barely any of the issues here with my 3. Baby went for evening walks, I never played t a routine. We don’t travel but that’s because neither myself nor my dp are bothered about it, even pre kids. By the time the third one arrived she basically had to go out on a evening and get up on a morning to take older ones to school and to clubs, don’t really understand why babies have to stay in the house all the time. If you breastfeed just make sure you’ve got your tits wth you and a few nappies in a bag with soem wipes and sorted! I think it’s as much of a drama as you make it!

Another waiting for IVF after 3 years TTC, with one miscarriage, here. I was excited about the prospect of a future child once, now I just try not to get upset too often about the fact it might not happen. Not being too excited is my only shield against disappointment now.

You are only 24. You need to get some more fun stuff out of the way before you have children.

Can I suggest that you read this thread before rushing into anything:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3540627-To-think-children-improve-your-life

One aspect that hasn't been touched on is your DH's attitude Motherhood and how valuable he thinks a Mother's role is during what many pediatricians call 'the fourth trimester'. That needs to be discussed.

How he views you not earning again. Or appreciates that if you have a high needs baby, it means he will have to pitch in with housework.

Can he give up the evening walks etc easily? Just in case things don't go to plan.

Do you agree on parenting styles? If you change your mind, will he be flexible. My DD thought I was a bit strange BF at 18 months, but when she had her second she ended up doing the same.

You don't know how long ML you will take until your baby is here.

How will he be with an interrupted sex life?

Babies don't just slot in, even really easy one's, there is always a trade off and a lot of men decide it isn't what they wanted after all.

You need open conversions about the possibility of a disabled child, because Women are the one's left with their lives in tatters.

My DD said that the part she was unprepaired for was the emotional roller-coaster. That and ongoing mastitis.

Is your DH caring? Does he look after you when you are ill etc?

I had my first child at 25 and the second at 28. I'd been travelling until I was 23 so was just getting myself into work and moved out of my parents house when I fell pregnant. I love my kids more than anything and in many ways I'm glad I had them young as they are teens now and many of my friends have very young children or babies and will still have them at home when they are in their 50s and maybe even sixties. However it was very hard having kids when you aren't financially stable. We didn't buy our first house until my youngest was 6. For a few years we had to live and work with my parents to save money which involved moving away from all my friends and I ended up quite depressed and anxious. We had very little money and had debt to pay off throughout my kids childhood which was often very tough and they didn't have their first holiday abroad until a few years ago (we just did camping before that!). All the hard work DH had to put in to get himself high up the career ladder happened when the kids were small so I was on my own with them a lot (he had to work long hours and away a fair amount). I could never really go anywhere career wise as childcare was unaffordable since at 25 I was only on entry level jobs so I ended up doing part time accounts work which is dull and which I still do.

Don't get me wrong I'd not change anything as our life now is wonderful and the tough times were character building I'm sure! But it's definitely been easier for my friends who had kids when they were in a good situation so if I were you I'd wait a bit.

You did ask for harsh realities, so I’d say head over to the childbirth and postnatal health boards and read a few threads there. That might put you off for a while!!