To be very excited for having a child in a few years?

[meroyah]

We've recently decided to have a child once we're stable enough - buy a house, reasonable working hours. I predict we'll have a house by the end of 2020 if not mid 2021, working hours will reduce (for DH at least) when we're not saving so intensely and he's essentially the sole income until I qualify as a Veterinary Nurse in April 2020.

The thing is, if I was left to follow my uterus, I would have a child now!
Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what it will be like?

I'm currently at the end of my nursing course, looking forward to having a proper income but I'm so excited for these big life moments! We would like to travel both with and without a child, see some of the world.

I try not to live in the future too much or I worry I'll not appreciate the present, but when myself and DH go for evening walks in the village with the dog, I can't help but want a little pushchair with our own person inside.

Can you tell me some harsh realities of being a parent so maybe I'll stop?

DH is also excited but not to the same level.

I’m going to be no help because other than the standard, no sleep etc, for me, being a mum is one of the most amazing things I’ve done. I adore my children, their personalities. I do the whole cliche of watching them sleep and realising I really am the luckiest woman in the world.

I do have three boys though which comes with a lot of piss on the bathroom floor 😂😂

Luckily, working with animals and taking home fosters/hand rears has prepared me quite well for the bodily fluids side of things. We get covered in blood, pus, poo, bloody poo, urine, pus from draining a chest that smells like the animal we drained it from has been dead for a week (but it somehow still alive).

@nocluewhattodoo that's so awful, sorry to hear that. I'm definitely not planning on having a child before I qualify or have a house of our own, I'm quite set on that.

@theruffles this is what I love about spending time with my 12mo nephew! He loves to put his head on you and say 'awww' and it melts me!!

I feel prepared for long nights from working nights as a nurse but I could be massively wrong here!

General consensus is I'm rushing, I hear you! Got to live a little first.

If I were you, I'd make a 5 year plan so you can fit in things like travel and adventures and have a rough idea of when you'll try for kids (and what conditions you need first in terms of job and housing)

Harsh realities:

• men who say they want kids can string you along then change their minds when you're almost too old to find another partner
• combining work and motherhood is a headfuck and it feels like you don't do either well
• the amount of laundry is oppressive
• you'll lose a lot or most of your friends, even the best ones
• life becomes boring and routine, if you're lucky! If you're unlucky it's chaos
• just because you have a kid with someone, doesn't mean they'll stick around to raise him with you
• it's a lottery as to what kind of kid you get, if they're well behaved, sleep, have special needs etc
• your dream house will soon become smeared and stained with cheap beige carpet
• your body and sex life take a battering

There's loads of good stuff too, but appreciate the freedom you have now. Once you have kids, there's no going back.

I thought I’d slid into a Stepford wife moment reading that.
Off with the rose tinted specs OP.

I would say that my husband and I rarely do anything without our children. This is by choice as we do have plenty of support and childcare if we need. The only thing that I’ve found really stressful is eating out at decent restaurants - we don’t do that now, we just stick to McDonald’s or places with a play area! And Christmas markets - fun and romantic when it’s you and your husband. Stressful and anxious when you have a Pram, and two other kids who both want to walk in different directions and absolutely don’t want to hold your hand!

I will say your right to wait. My husband and I conceived our first son in our final year of uni, and although it has been the best thing to ever happen to us, it was difficult initially, and if my parents and grandparents weren’t so well off, and generous both financially and with their offers of childcare then we wouldn’t have qualified, or been able to buy a house etc

The thing is, if I was left to follow my uterus, I would have a child now!

I get that you are excited, but please stop and think about what you're assuming here.

You may have a child at some point in your life. Or, like a lot of us, you may have a miscarriage. Or a string of miscarriages. Or a stillbirth. Or countless rounds of IVF that get you nowhere except in debt.

Something like 1 in 3 pregnancies does not end with a live birth. I've seen it said that as many as 10% of women have difficulty conceiving.

It is absolutely joyful and lovely to have a baby, of course it is. But please have some self awareness about it. That means not just not blithely declaring to all and sundry that you 'will' have a baby (which is crassly insensitive, IMO), but also considering what you might do if - god forbid - you do end up having fertility struggles or pregnancy losses.

@Sunshine1235 I don't have a 5 month old now! And we are through the toddler stages. The eldest is 8 now and we did manage to eat out, travel etc from them being that young and throughout with relative ease. It is usually a relaxing affair but it's what they are used to. I find that as long as you are relaxed and plan well then it's been great.

We've taken all kinds of holidays all over the world. Eaten in all kinds of restaurants (not fine dining type places as I don't agree that anyone should be subjected to other people's children in places like that).

It definitely is possible, I think a lot of it comes down to what type of person the parent is. I'm generally relaxed, love all aspects of travelling and planning etc so I find it easy and as a family we love it.

It's not easy for everyone obviously, I do disagree with posters telling someone that they absolutely can not travel and will not find it relaxing!

Don’t set your sights just on this it could take you a while to conceive so focus on making your life fulfilled now and then a baby will be the icing on the cake

I agree with the 5 year plan, to include you time, house buying, saving and travel before kids come along.
This is coming from someone who had their first at 24, like you I'd been married over a year before we started ttc, but as a couple we (exH) wasn't ready. We divorced when I was 27 when dc2 was 2 months old.
I would make sure 1000% this is the man you want to bring up children with, he won't change after kids arrive so anything he does now would you be happy with him carrying on when they do.

I don't think it's at all U to be making plans & looking forward to the future.

Yes, things will change when your child arrives - you may find you dont want the same things as you do now (I have been known to describe holidays as 'same shit, different location'), but parenting can be fulfilling in ways you didn't imagine. I've also met couples travelling happily with toddlers in Vietnam and Tasmania, so if that's your dream it can be done.

Build a strong foundation on which to make your family. It may make your ovaries itch right now, but it will pay off in spades further down the line.

If it helps, tonight sleep on the floor of the coldest room in the house under a single summer duvet, and set an alarm every two hours until 5am when you get up & build brio train track for 13 hours

If it helps, tonight sleep on the floor of the coldest room in the house under a single summer duvet, and set an alarm every two hours until 5am when you get up & build brio train track for 13 hour

This is such a great test.

Do it OP.

Im here to echo the PP about infertility/ miscarriage awareness.
I was like you - listened to all the 'live your life and have everything in order' advice before TTC. I now have the 'perfect' life on paper which i built up in my 20s - except now i can't get pregnant. I have a highly paid, part time job, financially independent, stable marriage, travelled most of the world, beautiful house - but id trade it all in a heartbeat for a baby. I always just assumed it would be easy to get pregnant - we are both healthy- but now we are undergoing IVF and its shit.

So its a balance, don't wait too long and things will never be perfect. And to all the PP mentioning poo and sleepless nights - you're very lucky really.

Of course the realities will be different from the fantasy, children are their own people with their own minds from the beginning. But it's nice to look forward to those special bonding moments, make plans, feel settled in your relationship.

I would encourage you to wait until you're in your early 30s, establish your career a bit more, get to know your new dh better. The long-term hit on your finances after having a child is definitely worth preparing for. (This is what I tell my DD, anyway!)

Re travelling, I'd probably disagree that it's all about what type of parent you are. I think a lot depends on what type of child you have - and sometimes that's just sheer luck, and not to do with any shortcomings in parenting.

My DB and DSIL are absolutely incredible parents. Smart, privately educated, outdoorsy, no-nonsense types. Both with a PhD. Well-travelled. Very organised. Well-off. Basically the complete opposite to me in every way haha! Their daughter was the child from hell for the first 2 and a half years. Absolutely no way whatsoever could they have travelled properly with her. Getting her to sleep or in any kind of routine was just awful.Now she's a bit older she's an absolute delight - albeit incredibly independent already! - but ask my DB and DSIL about having another child and they both pale in terror!

So it is partly down to pot luck. Good parenting obviously helps but you could end up having a horrendously hard time through no fault of your own.

And of course, bear in mind, your child may have a disability, like mine. Travelling is infinitely more challenging and actually, the benefits just don't outweigh the pain for all concerned. I could no more get my son to cope with a plane than I could fly myself to the moon. Life doesn't always pan out as you expect and those romantic visions you had go right out of the window as you struggle to just get through the basics.

Having said that, having children is without question the best thing I ever did. Despite all the difficulties. They're just amazing.

I wouldn't be judging your DB and SIL so harshly, OP. I think the realities of having a baby will help you understand their perspective.

Another about to embark on the IVF journey at 34 here 👋

The perfect life; wonderful husband, solid marriage, beautiful home for the rest of our lives, high earning profession, great holidays and hobbies...

The fantasy is somewhat interrupted by finding out your ovaries have few eggs and little function. The story of my 30’s is infertility horrible treatments.

In summary.

• Be super excited but aware that 1 in 6 struggle to conceive.
• Be super excited but aware that you’ll be up to your eyes in shitty nappies 😂
• Be super excited but enjoy your job for a few years first.
• Be super excited even if the reality is much tougher than the dream.

X

As someone who had my surprise baby about 18 mths before what would have been the optimal time for us I would say... Just wait it out, honestly. I love my DD obviously but I really shot myself in the foot re getting a mortgage and career wise. Getting back on track now but I made it a lot harder for myself than it needed to be! Also had to compromise on the houses we are looking at because our extortionate childcare fees being down the amount we can borrow. Also travelling..... Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry OP. You might be fine or you might have a child who does not sleep and can't go an hour in the car. Please enjoy your marriage just the two of ye and get yourselves settled, you've loads of time (I'm not coming across patronising I hope, I'm only 4 years older than you )

Re travelling, I'd probably disagree that it's all about what type of parent you are. I think a lot depends on what type of child you have

Totally agree with this

Re travelling, I'd probably disagree that it's all about what type of parent you are. I think a lot depends on what type of child you have - and sometimes that's just sheer luck, and not to do with any shortcomings in parenting.

Yup. This goes for most child-related stuff. If you're lucky, you will get a child whose needs line up nicely with your chosen parenting strategy - in which case you may become a little smug.

Thing is OP you can plan as much as you like but it will happen when it happens. When DH and I were ready to start trying it then took us a further 2+ years and treatment for me to fall pregnant. Those two years were bloody hard. Having a baby is both rewarding and bloody hard. Our DS is now 9 and we are able to have more couple time - DS is away this weekend with his scout group and DH and I are taking the opportunity to have some time just us two. You are right to wait until you have qualified - if only as it's one less thing to do once you have DC (DH has recently gone back to uni to study a degree and its blimmin hard work on top of working F/T)

Apart from sleepless nights (no one describe the tiredness in the first few months to you till you have children. I got to a stage where the world was tilting)

And the fact you can’t go to the loo on your own for a few years

I didn’t get the problem about travelling with babies and children or being able to take the dog out for an evening walk whilst pushing a pram (which I did every evening on my own with a baby and a toddler.)

The only other thing is if you buy everything new the expense is through the roof and as they get older it does feel like you are opening your bank account and letting these little people raid it.

Also if you have a girl at some point between the ages of 7-9 you have to listen to the soundtrack of High School Musical on a loop for about a year.

(We has the CD stuck in the car CD player so every journey I had it playing in the back ground.

Ended up selling the car just to get away from the music

Of course life doesn’t have to change because you have a child and of course you can still travel the world with a baby. But, In my experience, it’s only those who have lots of money to throw at life who can honestly say that they are doing these things. People on more normal incomes are making do with a week in Cornawall and a takeaway at the weekend (in some cases not even that). Don’t forget how much of your income will be swallowed up by childcare costs. Even just part time childcare, over the year will probably cost more than a holiday for 2 would cost! If you want to do some big holidays, get them in now while you aren’t stuck with school holiday prices and paying for family rooms.

I also don’t remember the last time I took an evening stroll with dh. Our eldest is 13, so it’s probably been about that long! In the early days, evenings became a constant round of tea, bath and bed, then collapsing in a heap exhausted after the day and then the next baby came along and the routine was even more important to follow. Once there were three of them, doing anything in the evening was a challenge and then they started school. Reading/homework took over and it was even more important to make sure they were in bed on time. By point is (and I get why you think it) you have a baby, your life is not your own and even though everyone manages to get through, it’s far easier to get everything sorted now. Secure housing, qualifications, a bit of money behind you. It will make the early years of family life so much easier if you have all those things in place. (I would have suggested marriage too as I think this is really important to protect you in the future, but you’ve already ticked that off, so you are one step on from the person I have given this advice to in real life!)

All children are different, that's the thing.

Obvious I know, but some are easier than others, or easy in different ways, and different adults find identical behaviours/ situations easy or unbearable (for example the why? why? Why? Why? But why? Why? But why? Why why? But why? Phase - water off a ducks back to some, an opportunity to teach/ monologue for others, gets on the last nerve of others... ditto sleep deprivation and potty training and so on.

Also there are grades of everything - I thought I had experienced sleep deprivation with dc1 who was impossible to put down due to reflux until she could roll, which luckily she perfected pretty early at 12 weeks, then she'd roll into her tummy when I put her on her back and slept 3 hour stretches between feeds, gradually increasing to waking once most nights til she was 2, when she slept through, though was always up be 5:30am until she was old enough to obay instructions about when to get up.

Turns out I didn't know I was born - the sleep deprivation with dc3 was like nothing on earth and went on for years. Nothing helped. He took 4 hours plus to fall asleep every night and rarely slept more than a 45 minute stretch. By the time he was 2 my entire body hurt all of the time, I had weird joint problems and my mind felt foggy all the time and I'd forgotten what it was like not to have a headache. We finally got melatonin which helped with the falling asleep and by the time he was 3 I had trained him to use other strategies before waking me, and he really wanted to, he was never a naughty child - turns out he has sensory issues and has a full assessment coming up to see what's going on with him. He's the loveliest, most loving child though and very bright with an incredible imagination... Just nearly killed me with sleep deprivation...

Dc2 slept like a dream... No problems. If he was my only I'd think I was the child sleep guru with my most excellent routine (which all 3 followed) and people who's babies don't sleep were doing it wrong...

For me sleep is the only downside of small children though and up until now (eldest is 14, youngest 8) everything else has been pretty easy.

If you get an average to easy first born you can travel, eat out, do almost anything with 1 dc1. We did loads with dc1.

Once you're outnumbered it's trickier obviously. We stick to Europe but have always travelled with the children, with the exception of the worst year of extreme sleep deprivation. I wouldn't bother with long haul myself but all my children have been to 12+ countries within Europe.

I feel prepared for long nights from working nights as a nurse but I could be massively wrong here!

You're massively wrong, sorry. I thought the same after years of working nights as a Nurse but it is a completely different kind of tiredness. Nursing shifts are not 24/7.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying parents who don't travel or can't have any parenting shortcomings! And yes, all kids are different.