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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family and ‘we’re only buying for the children now’

334 replies

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 17:57

Am I the only one who thinks you skinflint?

Family member who has 3 children which we have always bought for along with the parents decides as soon as we have first baby that now we have children (1) we can buy for children only at Christmas and birthdays.

So that’s years worth of buying for their 3 and them not having an issue, and now they just buy for one.

Is this typical with CF family members ?

OP posts:
Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/11/2019 07:30

@toastfiend exactly - it’s not cfery if the person with one child suggests it.
It just feels like it when the person with all the kids drops it as soon as another has one.

I myself have suggested it to friends to stop buying for the adults, it’s taken a lot better coming from the person with fewer children

OP posts:
transformandriseup · 19/11/2019 07:33

I do the opposite of just buying for the children as my brother and sister have seven kids between them so I just buy a present for both of them and then something for each family to share.

As for the OPs situation I think her family member is being fair. Adults don't really need presents, it would be different if they didn't want to buy presents for her child also.

ferrier · 19/11/2019 07:36

So for x years you've continued getting gifts even though adults don't really need gifts and despite the other parents having much higher Christmas outgoing than you. They've been very good to keep the adult gift giving going this long imo.
The imbalance is not about the adults it's about the children. That's unfortunately just the way it is. If you eventually have the same number of kids as they have then things will be evened out by the time they reach 18 .... or whatever age you decide to stop presents.

Courtney555 · 19/11/2019 07:36

Yanbu.

In our family, once you have children, you no longer receive presents, your DC do. The difference here, is they've happily taken gifts for themselves for all these years and gifts for their DC as well. So if they are a family of 5, they will take all 5 gifts, but then immediately as OP has one baby, "we won't buy for you any more"

Absolute CF given that they've only applied this to you, now. They should have applied their theory to themselves when their first was born, they're the grabby ones.

It's actually right now that none of the adults get gifts. CF how they've behaved up until now.

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2019 07:39

OP
So only buying for children is a perfectly fine suggestion if it's made by:
A. Someone without children
B. The person with fewest children

But if suggested by anyone else it's cheeky?

RebootYourEngine · 19/11/2019 07:41

I come from a big family. Lots of siblings and nieces and nephews. A few years back we all decided to cut down.

Now we buy only for the kids, those adult siblings without kids(as they buy for the kids), and our mum. My dsis has a lot of kids and I only have one(and one on the way) she buys my ds a slightly more expensive gift than I buy indivually for her DC's but it works out that we probably actually spend the same amount all together on each others families.

I think it's about communication. We discussed it as a family and were all in agreement.

madcatladyforever · 19/11/2019 07:45

YABU, I think Christmas has become ridiculous, people spend money they don't have and I don't see why they should buy anything for other adults.
I'm only buying for children this year because I'm skint after moving house and I'm not breaking my credit card on gifts I can't afford.
I've told my family again and again please don't buy any gifts for me as I don't need anything and can't reciprocate but still they insist and it makes me feel like shit all Christmas.
Christmas should be about family not being in debt for 6 months.

Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/11/2019 07:52

@LolaSmiles exactly

No one is saying adults want and need presents.

It’s coming from the people who have received the most from you already that makes it cfery.

OP posts:
Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/11/2019 07:55

Similar situation being my exh family.

He was one of 6 children. His two younger siblings were only 15 and 17 but his older siblings late 20’s decided as soon as they had a child that the whole family weren’t buying for adults anymore.

So the ones who had been receiving presents for 28/29 years from everyone put a stop to the younger ones having the same.
It wasn’t equal or very fair.

But there isn’t situations where these things can be fair, so people just accept it so they stents seem to be grabby/entitled etc

OP posts:
Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/11/2019 07:56

@Courtney555 yes exactly. Some people haven’t really understood Grin

OP posts:
Courtney555 · 19/11/2019 08:04

No they haven't understood.

It's not about just buying for the children now. That's fine. It's about them having children for the last however many years and happily taking presents for themselves as well. If they believed "once you have DC, the presents pass to them" then wtf have they been doing taking gifts for themselves as well all this time??

Greedy, cheeky fuckers. You can't do much about it now though OP.

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2019 08:16

NemophilistRebel
But your logic is ridiculous there.

It's really silly to say that a perfectly sensible suggestion is fine from someone with no children, fine from someone with fewer children but the height of cheeky fuckery from the person who has more.

Someone will always have the most/least children. That's life unless you all want to sync your breeding habits in a way science hasn't created yet.

To decide an idea is cheeky based purely on who says it is bizarre.

Lumene · 19/11/2019 08:17

Just buy something nice for yourself with whatever you would have spent on them. That way you are in the same financial and gift situation as now.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 19/11/2019 08:20

I think it's pretty CF to accept gifts for adults and DC in your household for years from child free friends and relatives and then as soon as the child free relative/friend has a child suggest presents for DC only.

That's not to say DC only isn't a relief in the longer run though - we do that with d sad one siblings and now have four adults less to buy for which is great.

Salene · 19/11/2019 08:24

If it bothers you that much why don't you suggest a family budget for buying gifts. So like £30 , you buy 3 small gifts for £10 each or a joint gift and they buy your child a £30 gift.

Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/11/2019 08:24

@Lumene it’s not about buying more see PP Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/11/2019 08:25

@salene - same as pp

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 19/11/2019 08:32

This thread has me thinking. At some point arrangements for change and unless you're someone who keeps score, who really cares?
Aunties and uncles doing presents for the "kids" in our family lasted until the final one was 18 so all siblings were equal on Christmas morning. Do I really care that someone 3 years older than me got 3 years more CDs/chocolate? No.

Now as adult children we tend to buy for our siblings and then only wider family children to save the gift giving stress. Do I care that at some point another relative might have got a present or two more whilst we started to transition to life with children? No.

Life situations change and with that gift giving does too. What's the alternative? The OP decides to suggest to her family that she should continue getting adult presents for the same number of years that she bought her family presents as adults and then it becomes children only after the scales are perfectly equal? Confused

Lumene · 19/11/2019 08:35

It wouldn’t mean buying more, it would put you in exactly the same position as you were before they suggested children gifts only. Which is what you are posting complaining about having changed.

motherogod · 19/11/2019 08:38

I've 13 nephews and nieces (and 2 dcs) and always bought for everyone, but it was completely stressful and expensive. We changed to secret santa a few years ago for everyone including kids and I was delighted - it meant mine (younger than ns and ns) didn't have as many years of getting gifts from everyone but tbh it took the attention and stress away from presents and meant the run-up to Christmas was far more enjoyable. OP stop thinking about who gets what and just go with it - you can't force people to spend money if they don't want to and if you feel that strongly about it you could suggest a secret santa for everyone. Sorry but you sound greedy and grasping and more than a bit immature.

user1480880826 · 19/11/2019 08:43

Buying for children only is fair enough. Adults who demand Xmas presents are a bit childish in my opinion.

You could have suggested the children only policy when they first had kids but you chose not to. That was your choice.

Rainbunny · 19/11/2019 08:56

That's what we do on my inlaws side and I actually love it. Frankly if any of us adults want something we can buy for ourselves and the vast majority of the time I don't want or truly like the presents I receive (of course I make a happy fuss about any present I do receive) but I would far rather not have people waste money on buying me something I will never use. There's too much crap in the world as it is.

QueenOfWinterfell · 19/11/2019 08:59

I wish it was the normal thing to do to only buy presents for children at Xmas. I think present giving has got seriously out of hand and so much stuff ends up in charity shops in January. It’s time Xmas was less commercial and consumer driven.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 19/11/2019 09:09

it’s not cfery if the person with one child suggests it.
It just feels like it when the person with all the kids drops it as soon as another has one

So, you don't want presents from others. Your SIL doesn't want people buying her presents. But you're pissed off that she suggested it instead of you?

The result is the same. Less presents being swapped.

I wouldn't even buy for all the kids. We never received presents from all our aunts, uncles, grandparents as kids. And my children don't receive from anyone other than santa and their godparent. We do a secret santa within our own family because the kids love going out and picking something for a fiver for their sibling.

I couldn't get upset over someone suggesting I don't need to buy them a present and they won't give me something unnecessary either.

Crackerofdoom · 19/11/2019 09:17

If you all spend say 20 quid on each other, you are losing 40 quid this year but gaining the same 40 quid back because you aren't buying for the adults.

Buy yourself a gift or ask DH to buy you an extra gift with the money if it means that much to you.

Or have another 5 kids to get your money's worth.