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AIBU?

Family and ‘we’re only buying for the children now’

334 replies

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 17:57

Am I the only one who thinks you skinflint?

Family member who has 3 children which we have always bought for along with the parents decides as soon as we have first baby that now we have children (1) we can buy for children only at Christmas and birthdays.

So that’s years worth of buying for their 3 and them not having an issue, and now they just buy for one.

Is this typical with CF family members ?

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Crunchymum · 18/11/2019 19:48

I have 15 nieces and nephews.

We do birthdays but not Xmas.

Birthdays are spread throughout the year!!!

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rattusrattus20 · 18/11/2019 19:49

i'm in favour of anything that de-escalates christmas giving, it's the biggest con/waste of time/money ever.

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LemonScentedStickyBat · 18/11/2019 19:53

All the adults have had presents for the same amount of time and it will now stop.
All the children will have presents for the same amount of time, from birth till 18.

I can’t see any unfairness or CFery no matter how hard I try! Would be nice if SIL would compromise on Secret Santa though.

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charm8ed · 18/11/2019 19:55

rattusrattus20 I’m the same, I just buy for DC and my parents. I still see lots of relatives and have a lovely time but have knocked exchanging £10/£20 presents on the head.

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Autumnsloth · 18/11/2019 20:07

This seems reasonable to me. Money and time are tight, and they now have your child to buy for. They couldn't have suggested it earlier or they would be receiving without giving every year. I have the opposite dilemma - now I have a child I would like to start the presents for children only because I have neither the time for Christmas shopping nor the space for lots more stuff. Unfortunately I was vocally against this in the past and really would seem a CF if I now suggested it.

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Shookethtothecore · 18/11/2019 20:15

I would absolutely rather only buying for the kids rather than the absolute shite I get from my in-laws and the stress of buying something for my family who have everything they need. If I was a millionaire and could gift them the gifts they truly deserve i would enjoy it,but I’m not, so id Rather the kids have more spent on them

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PinkCrayon · 18/11/2019 20:30

We only buy for the children in my family. We all agreed it years ago and it works perfectly for us all. I don't think it's cheeky to suggest it at all. You sound petty.

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TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/11/2019 20:32

I used to buy for all the nieces and nephews until I had my own children. Then I put a stop to it. I didn't realise until I had my own how much useless tat you accumulate with all the present giving. I think on my husband's side they all still do the giving to all the kids (except ours) but on my side we stopped it years ago.

Once I had my own children I had enough to be going trying to think of bits and bobs to buy for my own to be bothered trying to come up with something for 10 children on one side of the family. Never mind the expense of it.

Your SIL has the right idea. You continue to buy gif whoever you want to. Let her do the same.

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ezbem · 18/11/2019 20:35

Well can you imagine my face when my SIL said this.

(Baring in mind we never bought for adults just for kids, everyone only bought for the kids) so it's only her kids that have ever been gifted!

2 weeks after I had my DD. (The only other grandchild in the family that isn't from SIL)
"We've decided we won't be celebrating birthdays/Christmas/eid anymore or buying any presents so don't give us no presents please.

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Bluerussian · 18/11/2019 20:36

It's not an unusual thing for people to just buy for children. I've never before come across people totting it up and saying it's not fair, you've got three I only have one.

I only had one and other family members had more, never thought of anything of it, it's just the way things work out. I love buying presents, wrapping and all that. It wouldn't have occurred to me to be resentful about it. I sincerely hope you don't ever pass that resentment on to your child.

You may have more children.

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PinkCrayon · 18/11/2019 20:37

I remember watching this last year and I have to say I totally agree.

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1300cakes · 18/11/2019 20:38

Seems extremely reasonable to me. They have said they don't want gifts, so give them the "gift" of listening to them and giving them exactly what they want. Gifts should be about the recipient happy, not making the giver happy.

Also I don't see how it's unfair. The adults have exchanged gifts for the same time period (whole adult lives up until now). The adults will buy for each child for the same amount of years (18 or whatever you've decided). Yes, they have more children but that's a different issue, which wouldn't be affected by also buying for adults. Anyway you said the problem is your DH loves buying gifts and now can't, well how lucky for him he has three dns to buy for.

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soupforbrains · 18/11/2019 20:42

I'm not sure I would call them skinflints as I do understand that it can be difficult to afford Christmas especially with multiple children. But I think if they have just decided this without discussion that is a big CF.

But I would hate this. I know that Christmas is about giving, and I love finding gifts that my nieces, nephews, my siblings and parents will enjoy. I don't have much disposable income but I would feel sad that I wouldn't be shopping for my elderly parents anymore.

Additionally, while it's not about the value/cost of the gift if we did this Christmas would be a little sad for myself as I would only get to unwrap 1 gift from my best friend. I'm a single mum and don't have a boyfriend or partner, my sister and BIL and my brother and SIL buy lots of lovely gifts for each other as do my parents and if between the families we only did for the children I have to admit I would feel pretty sad and left out.

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Cherrysoup · 18/11/2019 20:46

So SIL is dictating what happens across the whole family? Why don’t you just tell her no and stop walking on eggshells round her?

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Its13oclock · 18/11/2019 20:47

My husband and I have no children. Our families agreed to buy just for the children. Between us we have 6 nieces and nephews, we bought for each of them until they were 18. Neither of us had a problem with the set up.

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PurpleCrowbar · 18/11/2019 20:52

I'm going to go with actually, buying for kids is daft too.

Ok, I'm biased as I live overseas & see my dbro twice a year at most - neither of us would know what to buy for my 3dc/his 2dc without us swapping ideas beforehand.

The whole thing, past school age, is bonkers.

If I asked my dbro what his 16yo dsd or 8yo ds would like, I'd beetle off to the shops & buy it, he'd do the same for my 3 teenagers, & absolutely every child in this equation could get more bang for their buck in the January sales.

Plus most of it would be packaging & crap.

Much better to just have a nice family get together.

I'm possibly Scrooge here, but my dc spend every Xmas with their dad (I live overseas with them) & gifts from random family members...well, obviously the dc are brought up to be polite.

But what they really look forward to is hitting the sales & choosing stuff they actually want, in an annual spree.

Christmas gifts are more faff than they're worth?

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Leflic · 18/11/2019 20:52

I don’t see it saves them much money ( your joint present vs one for your child) but they’ve happily accepted your gifts...I call CF.

The positive if this is that your child will still be getting presents for 16 years or so but there’s will feel adults and not eligible sooner.

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Pomegranatepompom · 18/11/2019 21:09

Yes CF, similar happened to me, family member happy for me to buy expensive gifts for their entire family (they'd send a list ie perfume, hair straighteners), I'd get a bottle of bubble bath in return. Once I had DC, the rules changed in their favour again...

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Rosebel · 18/11/2019 21:13

As soon as people had children we stopped buying for them and just brought for the children. Now my brothers children are in their late teens and we'll stop buying at 21. It's great to cut down how much we spend at Christmas. As you've had a baby and their children are getting older wouldn't it be good for all of you to save a bit of money?
Unless,you are 12 you need to grow up. No-one is obliged to get you or your child a present.

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MerryDeath · 18/11/2019 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 21:15

Rosebel - I think you’ve missed the point and not RTFT.

OP posts:

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NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 21:15

Merrydeath - calling me dense was uncalled for

OP posts:

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AngelsOnHigh · 18/11/2019 21:15

My DD has 5 DC. She asked people years ago to stop buying for her DC.

They get enough from Santa and their parents. It was getting to the stage that the pile of presents under the Christmas tree almost reached the top of the tree.

Our main focus as a family is to enjoy the day, eat lots of food, play board games with the DC. I give the older DGC movie passes or tickets to events that they are interested in. The little ones get some kind of an outing.

Our main focus is actually on their birthdays where they well and truly get spoilt.

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TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/11/2019 21:17

Like those with more children don’t want to be wasting time thinking of the brothers, sisters, aunts or uncles anymore

Yep.

I've 4 siblings, my husband has 5. Between us all we have 24 children. I think we all have enough to be doing and enough other stuff going on and enough other expenses than to be thinking of brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles. We're all adults. We don't expect anything from others. We used to do a secret Santa for a while but even gave up on that. My kids get something for and from their Godparents. We don't buy for other siblings or nieces and nephews.

And nobody seems put out!!!

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Ponoka7 · 18/11/2019 21:17

@misspiggy19
"YANBU- I agree with you OP. Tightarses"

How so, if it means everyone has less to buy?

As said, our consumerism is killing our planet.

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