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Family and ‘we’re only buying for the children now’

334 replies

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 17:57

Am I the only one who thinks you skinflint?

Family member who has 3 children which we have always bought for along with the parents decides as soon as we have first baby that now we have children (1) we can buy for children only at Christmas and birthdays.

So that’s years worth of buying for their 3 and them not having an issue, and now they just buy for one.

Is this typical with CF family members ?

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Thedonkeyhouse · 18/11/2019 18:52

I don't think it's even close to CF behaviour.

We have a similar arrangement in our family. Technically speaking we come off worse because we only have one child compared to the families with more then one - but I don't care. I think it's much better and far less wasteful then exchanging gifts between adults.

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 18:52

@troutknickers wow, I’m not denying the mental load but it’s surly not all on you?

So why if it’s that bad do you not explain to your family and they will surly understand?

The ones who said it to us had a full time SAHP, and was just told to us in a ‘we’re doing this now’.

To me that’s just rude

If they or you explain your reasons then surly people couldn’t have a problem if genuine?

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Dee61 · 18/11/2019 18:53

So for all these years you have been buying for 5.
Why didn't they say only buy for the children when they had 2 children and they bought for you and your husband.
We always bought for my sister that does not have children and she bought for our children not us.
I do think they are being unfair.

Drabarni · 18/11/2019 18:54

YABU, many people just buy for the kids.
It would cost so much to do it for everyone and not everyone can afford or even justify spending money on presents.
I don't go in for presents for the sake of it, my dh is buying me a coat, kids will no doubt do a voucher and some chocs.

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 18:54

Exactly, we’ve been buying for them for years. They could have said years ago and it wouldn’t have mattered. It’s the jumping on it and decided for us once a baby in the family cane that is unreasonable

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AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2019 18:55

We have less money than usual this year as I’m on maternity leave. So while we’re paring things back a bit generally if I said to my siblings let’s only buy for children that would be us buying them all nothing and all of them buying for my DSC and DD. Would that be fair?

StarlingsInSummer · 18/11/2019 18:55

My aunts only stopped buying for me once I had a child of my own - this is IMO a fairer way to do it.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 18/11/2019 18:57

We're the only ones with kids on both sides of the family so still buy for every fucker and it drives me bloody mad. I cannot wait to say let's just buy for each other's kids, and I guarantee when they all start popping them out that's what will happen.

Do the brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles currently buy for you (adults) as well? If so, then it won't be very fair for them if, effectively, 'their' presents will switch to their kids once they have them whilst you currently get them as well as your kids. However, if they do currently buy for you as well, why not (tactfully) hint at asking them to stop and spend what they would have spent on you on your kids instead?

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 18:57

@AnneLovesGilbert quite, I’m sure by a few comments here it would be fine Grin

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LondonJax · 18/11/2019 18:57

I think YABU. We've done this for years. My siblings had children long before we did and one year said 'look we think it's daft buying for the sake of buying for adults. We'd rather you put the cash to a nicer bottle of wine or a posher box of chocolates or an evening out. So we've agreed that we're just buying for the children for now on. We'll carry on buying for you as you don't have children but please don't spend hard earned cash on us adults'.

Well the following year I also joined in with that, even though I was single at the time and didn't have a child. So I bought for four kids (my nieces and nephews) and didn't get a gift in return - my choice.

Why did I decide to do that? Well because buying for four adults is a PITA. They've got most things they 'need' and the things they 'want' can be expensive. My siblings were buying me nice things that I didn't need - the thing that made me contact them and say 'look, do the same for me next year' was that my DSis spent a lot of money on Lush items. Lush brings me out in a rash - so it was given away. What a waste of money!

We now have one DS and we keep the same tradition. No adult presents, only buy for the kids. Presents stop when they get to 21 years old.

But all this business about 'well you're buying for three kids and they're only buying for one' is daft. Do you add up how much each present costs? Get the Argos catalogue out on Boxing Day to check they've spent the 'correct' amount on your child(ren)? Because I don't. I let my siblings know what my DS would like for Christmas, lots of different price levels, they choose one or two items off the list and that's it. My siblings do the same. It's up to me if I spend £20 or £100 on each child.

My DM used to do this weird thing when we were young - if she spent £30 on a gift for me, she'd have to spend the same amount on my DSis or put the difference in an envelope. Then she'd explain that my gift was £30 but my DSis was only £25 so she'd made up the difference. Like we'd double check what each gift costs. Used to drive us insane! And what a way to dampen the Christmas spirit.

I have absolutely no idea what I'd like for Christmas this year. What I don't want is 'stuff' for the sake of stuff. I'd rather my family spent a little more on themselves and their own children than buy me 'stuff' that they think I may like.

BennyTheBall · 18/11/2019 18:58

We only buy for the kids in our family. I’ve never actually thought about the number each family has.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/11/2019 18:59

YANBU. Nine times out of ten it's those that have had the most benefit/have the most children that suggest this.

My sisters eldest is 18 this year and she thinks we should still buy for him as it wouldn't be fair to only buy for his siblings Hmm

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 18/11/2019 18:59

We always bought for my sister that does not have children and she bought for our children not us.

My aunts only stopped buying for me once I had a child of my own - this is IMO a fairer way to do it.

Makes complete sense to me. Either buy for everybody or, once you have kids, they get your whole family's present 'allocation'.

HappyDinosaur · 18/11/2019 19:00

I find this a terrible lesson for the children, it's not all about them getting as many presents as possible. I'd rather less was spent, or no present, as I feel this promotes greed. Each to their own though.

GuyFawkesDay · 18/11/2019 19:01

Maybe the parental leave pot is empty for them so this is why they're saying no this year?

We only buy for kids, apart from my DS who doesn't have any.

I don't want/needs gifts. I'd rather people didn't waste their money!!!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/11/2019 19:01

People are entitled to decided how they spend their own money. You said your husband now "can't" buy for his brother. Of course he can. He can buy a present for whoever he pleases. But his brother won't, or is very unlikely to buy him one back. If he's happy with that, then everyone's happy.

One family have decided they don't want to buy presents for the whole family anymore. I think that's perfectly sensible. Especially as the family is only likely to keep expanding.

Why not suggest a Kris Kindle/Secret Santa amongst the adults so each person buys for just one other person.

But, if you want to buy gifts for others just do it.

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 19:01

@LondonJax that’s exactly what my sister said to us when she had their babies and we didn’t and it was fine.
That’s NBU at all.

That’s not what I’m saying is happening here on the other half of the family though where they are BU

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GuyFawkesDay · 18/11/2019 19:01

Oh and I only have one niece but I spend a lot on her as we have 2.

SourDoughSophie · 18/11/2019 19:02

My sil had three children, we had two. Average gift price £15, she always spent £20 as she felt guilty, even though it wasn’t expected.

To be honest, I’d stop it all now before you lose anymore money

Milo90 · 18/11/2019 19:02

We all buy for the kids until their 18...once they have kids we then buy for their kids.. Its just always been a thing in our family... I'm 32 and no kids yet but don't expect Xmas or birthday presents.... On special occasions.. Engagement... New house.. I've received a gift or card but I don't expect anything

LondonJax · 18/11/2019 19:03

Well, as you can see @AnneLovesGilbert I actually volunteered to do exactly that. I was single, no kids. My Dsis's had children. I bought the kids gifts and had nothing in return. My choice - they were happy to buy for me.

But what I did have was over £100 in my hands (four adults, twenty years ago at £25 each). Which was a lot of money then. And I spent the lot on myself. So whilst I didn't get a gift to unwrap, I got what I wanted because I didn't waste my money on a gift for all the adults because it was 'fair'.

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 19:03

Unfortunately it’s not as easy as just buying for the brother anyway as it would likely cause some argument or low down resentment with SIL who everyone walks on eggshells around.

Suggested secret Santa but it was rejected (by SIL)

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WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 18/11/2019 19:03

My DM used to do this weird thing when we were young - if she spent £30 on a gift for me, she'd have to spend the same amount on my DSis or put the difference in an envelope.

My DGM always used to do this to the penny. She'd spot something and buy it for one of us, which would invariably cost £XX.99, so she'd give the £9.99 present AND a penny to one of us and a tenner to the other!

thunderandsunshine01 · 18/11/2019 19:04

Just make sure you have at least 5 kids to even the score Grin

In seriousness I am torn though. Personally I don’t like the whole ‘just for the kids’ thing, everyone likes to feel acknowledged at Xmas even if it is just token gesture gifts. But on the other hand, you shouldn’t give just to receive and i would probably find it difficult to let this bother me, and I wouldn’t be keeping tally of the gifts and eve brought them vs us

Pottedtree · 18/11/2019 19:05

Perhaps they wanted to say it years ago but thought you'd kick off and now that you have a baby felt relieved to be able to say let's just buy for kids? I find it far more cringeworthy to make Christmas isn't a transaction.... YABU

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