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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s not up to me to keep up contact just because I moved?

41 replies

Movermoverson · 18/11/2019 09:21

Fairly simple really, we moved due to work etc and wanting a better lifestyle. It’s been 2 yrs now and some (not all) of my family and practically all of dh’s NEVER call/text/email/Skype etc. His dm will sometimes call and every so often will ask dh to call his DB’s or Dsis as they would LOVE to hear from him. Whenever he says “dm Phones work both ways you knows” she always comes up with some stupid reason as to why they can’t call him like time difference(look it up on the internet),cost(Skype and viber are free) or they are very busy (as are we!)

Anyway I’m getting to the end of my tether, whenever we make the trip over to see them we stay with Pils and ask them to come to see us there. They come twice for all of 4-6 hours!! Everything is amicable when we see each other but I just know they resent the fact that we moved as we were much closer before we moved. Surely keeping in contact usb solely up to us??!!

Also, We have invited them over several times and they have not once come over!! They always choose a different destination (so not about money) I am sick of hearing from mil about how we never call!! Neither do they!!!

OP posts:

ShanghaiDiva · 18/11/2019 09:31

I know exactly what you mean.
We found out that dh's grandfather died when his cousin posted about it on facebook. Asked dsil why she had not told us - apparently it's so difficult to get in touch with us - skype, phone, email...??
I was the one making all the effort and now I don't bother.

Original poster

Movermoverson · 18/11/2019 09:53

@ShanghaiDiva...that’s horrible. I’m stopped bothering quite a while ago now, but I feel like we are the ones getting the blame to be honest.

OP posts:

Twooter · 18/11/2019 09:56

Try and see them outside your mil’s house, otherwise it’ll never get outside the ‘polite company’ type relationship.

BendingSpoons · 18/11/2019 09:58

Do you know if they are getting the same comments. BIL moved abroad years ago (now married with kids). PIL say similar things to us and to them.

YANBU to expect them to keep in touch too. Pretty easy with mobiles and Internet.

Goodnamesalltaken · 18/11/2019 09:59

I know exactly how you feel. I moved from the Midlands to London and apparently my DM has never forgiven me for it. Never told me this but my siblings did. She also never calls or visits, she believes that I should maintain the contact.

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/11/2019 10:06

People tend to be wrapped up in themselves and it seems to be that unless you're right in front of them, they become quite selfish/lazy. It almost always seems to be the case that whoever moves away, has to do all the running. Totally unfair but...

I have a very close friend that I've known since I was 5. She never comes to visit me. Actually not quite true, she's visited me 3 times in the 30 years since I moved away from where we grew up together. So one visit per decade. She'd be mortified if I pointed that out to her but nevertheless it's true. I haven't seen her for quite a while now because I got tired of me doing all the visiting. This Christmas, I'll be 1-1.5 hours away from her and would love to see her. Who wants to bet on her not wanting to travel a relatively short distance and she'll invite me to hers rather than visit me? (note: I'll have already driven 8 hours so it would be nice if she could make the effort and drive an hour to see me rather than expect me to do another hour on top!) I would love to be proven wrong but I don't think that will be the case.

Redshoeblueshoe · 18/11/2019 10:12

2 of my siblings say this, and we only live 20 miles apart.

I agree phones work both ways.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/11/2019 10:19

What was the dynamics before you moved. Did you phone each other regularly or was it more a pop round at the weekend type of thing. If it was the latter then I can kind of understand why it falls to you as you are the ones that have changed the way the relationship works.

Original poster

Movermoverson · 18/11/2019 10:34

The relationship before was fine, we lived about 3?hours away, they would text a few times a week as would we(especially once dc were born) we would call each other every week or so and arrange visits to each other houses or meet up half way.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 18/11/2019 10:48

Don't take this shit.

'I know, we've invited them so many times and they just don't seem to want to bother. It's sad but no, don't say anything Mum/MIL - it's not worth it :) '

Turn it right back around. They'll soon stop.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 18/11/2019 11:14

If you used to call and text them, why did you stop? Phones do work both ways but it sounds as though you're not putting any effort into maintaining the relationships either.

Bigbigboots · 18/11/2019 11:23

You moved away and made the relationship more difficult to maintain so can't really complain that there isn't more contact. It isn't up to you to always visit but it isn't up to them either. It's just one of those things you have to just accept if you move far away from friends and family.

ChrisPrattsFace · 18/11/2019 11:29

I seen a post the other day about how many people you lose contact with if you don’t make the first move.
It’s definitely true for us - we always initiate, it can go months/years with some because they will never contact us.
We’re not social so we aren’t too bothered 😂

QueSera · 18/11/2019 11:43

Exactly the same situation here OP.
I have no idea why people can't be bothered to ring/email/text/whatsapp etc, yet complain that WE don't keep in touch. The number of times we have said 'but phones work both ways'!
We made the effort to stay in touch for many years. Then we realised that if someone else can't be bothered, the relationship isn't worth much to them. So we stopped contacting/visiting those who never contact us, and now we only keep in touch with those who return the favour. Much, much better. (Incredibly sad though, for us to realise that we mean so little to close relatives eg father, sister. But, better than chasing after them when they aren't bothered.)

QueSera · 18/11/2019 11:55

@HundredMilesAnHour
Same here! My journey 'home' is at least 20hrs (if no delays - which there always are), involving tube, train, plane, shuttle bus and car journeys, with DC in tow. But regardless of this, we are then expected to travel several additional 2hr journeys to visit people scattered around, as they won't want to travel to where we will be and expect us to travel to them. Of course I could say no, and I am starting to, but then I don't get to see them.
Hope your friend makes some effort....

katseyes7 · 18/11/2019 12:08

My mother was like this. When l was moving from the North East to Yorkshire, l printed up an A4 sheet in a large font (she was 82) with my new address, new landline number, and my mobile number.
The response? "Well l won't be phoning you." Nor did she, either.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/11/2019 12:17

I know what you mean. I have it from both sides. Dh is foreign. We were expected to travel to his dads house then do the rounds to see these people - even ones, who live in the same village as his dad.

We moved just over an hour away for 3 years. They visited us once and only because we did a big party in their honour. Never picked up the phone. Yet it was a ok for us to travel all day, drive for 8 hours, take the shuttle / ferry etc then be expected to go out and see them one by one over the course of 5 days. Fil was the only one, who visited.

As for my side, my mother comes and did when we lived abroad. No one else bothered. Some years ago, when we organised for my sibling and partner to come and stay with us for a few days, they changed their minds the day before. Our house was only an hours detour and they had been on a driving / travelling holiday for a couple of months. I’d got masses of food in etc.

guessmyusername · 18/11/2019 12:23

My dh's family is just like this! We moved 400 miles away and visited them 1-2 times per year and dh visited his dm on his own as well. They visited us once, just after dd was born. (She is now 23) When we were at mil funeral recently we got the "You never come and visit us", "You never phone". I felt like saying it works both ways but I bit my tongue because it wasn't the place. We have been down for a visit once since then and have they made the effort? No. At that funeral we also discovered that SIL & her dh were at a funeral about 50 miles from us. They flew in to the airport 10 minutes from us and hired a car. They never contacted us or popped in for a coffee/meal. But I am over it. It is their loss.

53rdWay · 18/11/2019 12:24

Mine are like that too. Along with the "oh you should call Mum/Dad/brother/sister/etc, you haven't called for ages, s/he'd LOVE to hear from you" reminders. I do 99% of all calls, Skype, text, emails, really can't they call me just once in a while?

It has got a bit better now they all have WhatsApp and we have big family group chats.

TerrorAustralis · 18/11/2019 12:26

Sorry to say, but every expat has this story. I moved across the country and then to a different country (current country is the same time zone as my hometown).

Hardly anyone comes to visit (even though we live in a tourist hub). With few exceptions, hardly any friends keep in contact unless I am the one to initiating contact. In a way, I can understand it because I'm not great at keeping in contact with people. But with my parents and ILs it grates a bit. MIL is a great one for saying 'we never hear from x', but she doesn't initiate contact either. So I'm sure she says the same about us. (For the record, we only talk to the ILs when DH calls them - they never call us.)

bridgetreilly · 18/11/2019 12:29

whenever we make the trip over to see them we stay with Pils and ask them to come to see us there.

And We have invited them over several times and they have not once come over!!

It's not all up to you, no, but you seem to be assuming it's all up to them. Why don't you ever visit them? Why do you always assume they will come to you, either at your in laws or at your home?

MatildaTheCat · 18/11/2019 12:29

A lot of people don’t do well with change. The people who don’t call feel as if you’ve moved not just physically but emotionally out of their sphere. That makes contact seem difficult. That’s just my experience.

I have family abroad and certainly they feel that some of the family don’t do much to stay in touch and would expect them to do all the visiting when back in the UK. After many years it’s just the way it is.

Would it work to set up a WhatsApp group/s with several members of the family and just encourage group chat and info sharing?

bobsyourauntie · 18/11/2019 12:33

Some people are like this and they won't change, XMIL always said to us, XSIL says she hasn't seen you for months. XH would say well they can visit us, why should we always have to visit them? oh well you live so far away (45 mins). Oh, so its ok for us to travel 45 mins on a regular basis, but not any of you?!

YANBU

Original poster

Movermoverson · 18/11/2019 12:38

@bridgetreilly because I think having travelled over 15hrs is enough with 3 dc in tow to be honest. It’s not much to ask them to do a small bit of the travelling. Especially when they “can’t wait to see us!” So they say. They visit pils anyway so it’s not a trek.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 18/11/2019 12:57

I think you are wrong and I understand why they feel that you never bother with them.

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