To think it’s not up to me to keep up contact just because I moved?

[Movermoverson]

Fairly simple really, we moved due to work etc and wanting a better lifestyle. It’s been 2 yrs now and some (not all) of my family and practically all of dh’s NEVER call/text/email/Skype etc. His dm will sometimes call and every so often will ask dh to call his DB’s or Dsis as they would LOVE to hear from him. Whenever he says “dm Phones work both ways you knows” she always comes up with some stupid reason as to why they can’t call him like time difference(look it up on the internet),cost(Skype and viber are free) or they are very busy (as are we!)

Anyway I’m getting to the end of my tether, whenever we make the trip over to see them we stay with Pils and ask them to come to see us there. They come twice for all of 4-6 hours!! Everything is amicable when we see each other but I just know they resent the fact that we moved as we were much closer before we moved. Surely keeping in contact usb solely up to us??!!

Also, We have invited them over several times and they have not once come over!! They always choose a different destination (so not about money) I am sick of hearing from mil about how we never call!! Neither do they!!!

I live about four hours by public transport from my brother and mum. Despite constant invitations from me my brother and his family never visit. Or they want to come but they put up silly barriers to coming. I am the one emailing and WhatsApp-ing my brother. Meanwhile we are supposed to visit him with no complaints. I don’t bother anymore.

If you've travelled over 15 hours then you've moved a long way away. Enough that time zones will make a big difference to when you can speak to each other.

You complain that they visited you at mils twice for 6 hours while you were over. And they are a couple of hours away from her. What else did you expect them to do? That's more than enough especially when you have jobs, kids, commitments.

When you are at Mils you are now on holiday. They're not, they still have their ordinary commitments.

YANBU

Sadly I can relate.

DB moved a 3 hour car journey from our parents.

I moved to a European city.

I'd come home (Christmas etc.) and go to my parents. DB refused to come and insisted we go to visit him. When challenged that I had already made the effort to come to the UK, he replied that it was my fault for moving abroad. The fact that he had moved too completely passed him by.

I have done all of the travelling in the last few years, with 2 young DC. And still I get complaints everytime I go about how much we're putting them out

I do think the onus is on the one that moved way to maintain contact. You decided to move and life as normal goes on for those who stay in the same place.

I've been an expat, 8 hour flight away. I didn't expect anyone to use their holiday to travel to me, and when I was home I was effectively on holiday so easier me to travel to see other people.

I moved to the other side of the country and I don't expect anyone to visit me. Asking people to spend holiday time and money to go somewhere they might not be keen too is a lot to ask. We visit when we can and keep contact as best we can. We chose to move though so I understand that people feel left behind in a way.

I moved literally 20 minutes away from my DPs. I very rarely had a visit, contact became sparse. It all came to a head at the start of this year (for different reasons) & my dad had the cheek to say I hadn't visited in months! Baring in mind, I was heavily pregnant, in crutches and a toddler in tow. We did visit most weekends then came to a point that we didn't do much with our oldest as we spent a lot of time at theirs when we did visit so we did actively visit less so we could go out and do things as a family but they never once instigated a visit or even asked for us to go over. Oh and his work is 10 minutes from my house. It's literally in between their house and mine.
My sister on the other hand lives 1 minute walk from them and they have her 3 kids for an overnight almost every Saturday, speak every day on the phone and regularly pop in to theirs for a visit.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother anymore. It's tiring & upsetting when there is little to no effort on their part. Granted you may have been the ones to move away but it takes 2 minutes to send a text.

I see this blame usually stems from the parents that are annoyed secretly and quietly that you have moved away, but are not able to express it to you. So they find ways of making you feel guilty about other things (not keeping in touch with siblings as much, not see grandchildren etc) this all comes from a place of misplaced expectation that you have moved away, and they are a long way from you.

The chances are that if the siblings are not in contact regularly, then they are not that bothered about their relationship with you. You are elsewhere, and quite frankly everyone is busy etc. So I would pay no heed to what they are say about that, it is a stick to beat you with and that is all.

A blunt answer to your MIL/mother that it has been xx months/years since sister/brother picked up the phone to you should be enough, and that it is not your job to run around others constantly.

We moved away too, and our family and some friends have said the same, you moved you need to make the effort. We rarely do unless it is a two way effort, as it just breeds resentment.

Ignore it, and carry on living your lives and don't feel guilty. It isn't your problem or job in life to ring around the entire family when they show so little interest in you.

YANBU. It’s always the way though. I’ve probably spoken to my dad about 6 times on the phone in 20 years and seen him 3 times. My DB we message occasionally and I only see him if I go where he lives, have seen him maybe 3 times in the last 12 years. Oh and they did come to stay with us once actually when we were in the same country.

As for my other siblings I don’t see them unless I go to them, so haven’t seen 2 of them in 15years. The other 2 I travel to the other side of the world with the kids and then have to travel to them. Last time I stayed in one place for a month not too far from them but still had to pack us all up and go and spend the night there. Only a couple of cousins popped in to catch up as well.

In the other hand a cousin that couldn’t be bothered to come see us when we where home ended up coming to a place about 3hrs from where we live so I arranged to go see here. Spent about $500 on hotel, travel, food, tickets to her event etc... which I couldn’t really do and got to see her for a whole 20 minutes. She was more interested in catching up with her mates, which she was travelling with anyway. Not even an offer to do sightseeing or even a breakfast the following day before their flight were accepted. So no, I won’t bother anymore

@HerRoyalNotness why did you book to stay overnight with your cousin if she was only there for 20 minutes? It sounds as if she doesn't feel very close to you anyway as you've lived away for 20 years!

And only ringing your dad 6 times in 20 years? There's got to be more to you just moving away than that!

You moved 15 hours away. That’s a huge distance and so it shouldn’t be up to the people who stayed to keep in contact - it should be you as the people who moved away.

We moved an hour and a half out of London and away from the in-laws 13 years ago. We visit PIL and BILs family ever 4-6 weeks with kids in tow. Even with a newborn and a toddler!

BIL has visited us three times in 13 years. He says it's 'too far' and refuses to bring his 4 year old daughter to visit until we buy a spare double and single bed for them all to stay overnight comfortably so they don't have to make the journey home the same day. Just for context, they have a holiday home in Spain which they visit almost monthly - the journey to which doesn't seem to present any problems.

It really upsets my DH who is actually planning to spend our Christmas budget on beds so he'll finally visit. I have a very strong feeling that another reason will emerge and we'll have wasted a couple of grand on spare beds only for him to be disappointed once more. Lazy fuckers!

I sympathise OP.
I moved an hour away, in good traffic. Initially I went to visit my parents once a week, until my children started school, when it was no longer possible for me to do all the travelling. My family visit me once a year on my birthday. They complain the entire time about the journey and ask why I moved so far.
If I didn’t call and visit them regularly, there would be no relationship. Sadly I’ve accepted this is the position and I have to do all the leg work. It’s for my kids. Once they are old enough to maintain the relationship themselves (if they want to) I probably won’t bother. It’ll be a Christmas, weddings and funerals relationship. Mainly because I’ve grown resentful over the years about their lack of effort. They didn’t even come and visit me after I gave birth to my first and needed surgery. They waited until I visited them at Christmas to meet my child. They probably don’t even give that a second thought but I haven’t forgotten.

I've moved around a lot so I get this.

Like it or not, people form bonds with those in their immediate surroundings who they see every day, so family, neighbours, work colleagues, school run friends and friends from clubs etc..

People like to think that they've chosen people specifically to be in their circle but that's just not the case in many instances, it's just a matter of convenience.

You spend time with Jessica at Yoga because your children go to the same class or school so you can share drop offs and pick ups etc. and you have things and people in common to talk about.

Some people will also see you as having rejected them and their life by moving away too, as ridiculous as that sounds. if they're insecure, they'll think you think you're better than them and moving up in the world and moving on, not (in their mind) left behind.

I've moved away and moved back to my home town so I've seen it from both sides, personally and with others. It's as if, once you leave, people no longer see you as in their circle and therefore, not worth bothering with as much because of the distance and lack of an immediate and close relationship. Your relationship becomes almost historical as you don't actually do anything together any more.

I'm always the one going to visit people, otherwise, nobody would bother.

People do forget - it's human nature though.

I'm the one who moved away and I don't take it personally, I did choose to move.

What I don't appreciate are the attempts to "manage" me or tell me who to contact. I hit the "why don't you call your sister?" type stuff on the head from the start - phones work both ways as you say, and my mum lives to micromanage relationships (she also invites cousins and their spouses and kids I haven't seen I decades and am not in touch with to stay at the time as me and my DH and kids, not prewarning either party, because she thinks it'll be nice for us to see one another, but then there is no space and no privacy and the children are different ages and incompatible personalities and the whole stay is unnecessarily stressful for everyone).

My mum also embellishes and puts her own misleading spin on throw away comments and passes them on in her version to other family members, meaning that when you do phone/ see each other there are myriad misunderstandings so it's actually far worse than it needs to be. It's like an accelerated version of Chinese Whispers because a comment unintentionally passed through just one person alters so much in context and content.

It's the presumably well intentioned stirring that bothers me and deters me from making more effort, rather than the lack of reciprocal visits and calls.

Same here, I found out that my Dad had been in hospital from his 'mate down the pub.
We have Facebook and WhatsApp with family but nobody thought to tell me.

I'm only in Southern Europe so not like I'm half way around the world.

From the opposite way, retired MIL&PIL moved 70miles away from us and then complained that we never went to see them at weekends anymore. Erm, that would be because we are both working full time with children who have things on most weekends and if they didn't, we'd all be doing a total slob out as we'd all be knackered and not want to spend 2+ hours in a car!