To ask if you would marry a man with no kids?

[Celebrationschocs]

If you had 3 children of your own?

There can't be hard and fast rules on this. It depends on existing relationships and living arrangements, life circumstances and the personalities involved. I wouldn't want to do anything I thought might make my children's lives worse. If I already had 3 children, I also wouldn't want to marry someone who expected me to produce more children. Whether I would be willing to marry someone who also had children of their own - that depends on all the issues I've already expressed. No to marrying someone with kids of their own in a toxic arrangement with their ex partner. People seriously fuck their children up with their pathetic arguments and bitterness and I would not want to contaminate my own children's lives with other people's toxic baggage.

Whilst i get that having children/not having children can change the dynamics of a relationship, surely if you like/love someone then the point is irrelevant.
I would not dismiss a potential partner on the grounds they did or did not have children from a previous relationship.
You might aswell say i won't date anyone with X coloured hair or y coloured eyes.

If I broke up with my daughter's father, I wouldn't have any unrelated man living in the house with my children, ever. You never know anyone, really. You can think you do but you could always be wrong. What could possibly motivate someone to take that risk just for a relationship you can conduct perfectly well outside the child's home?

If I thought the same as you, my DDs life wouldn't be as great as it is now. Her step-dad is more of a father to her than her own useless one who abandoned her. She wouldn't have the close relationship she has with her step-siblings, she wouldn't have a father figure, she wouldn't have step-grandparents who treat her the same as their own.

@Greencustard I'm happy for you and your daughter.

I'm really close to my step and half siblings and would hate to be without them.

I wouldn't marry anyone if either of us had kids under 18.

^ I wouldn't re-marry at all if either party had dependant children.

There's no way I'd live with any man whilst DC are young. Blended families seem to go wrong more often than not, someone is generally unhappy and I couldn't have my DC being unhappy in their own home.

Sure, why not.

-I'd never subject my children to a blended family
-However, I'd never subject my children to a stepfather who didn't have some paternal instinct

It would have to be a chap who was good with my children, but didn't want children of his own, and who was exceedingly patient/willing to move at a snail's pace. It all sounds pretty unlikely.

I did. My DC were 4, 8 and 12 when we started dating I introduced them after nearly a year and he moved in 5 years after that. We had our DS and then married last year, so by that point we had been together 14 years, I had to be sure as I could possibly be that this relationship was for keeps. I have got to admit when we first starting dating I thought what does he possibly see in me with 3 DC and me being 6 years older, but we just clicked. He is a brilliant husband and stepfather, we are all very lucky to have him in our lives.

@CynthiaRothrock but when either of you have kids, being "in love" is frankly a trivial irrelevance. The question is, should always be,will this make my kid's life better or worse."

It's not about "changing the dynamics" of the adult relationship, it's about the impact on the helpless children in the relationship.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Marriage is between you and your partner. It should not matter whether they have children or not

Yeah who cares about the children, eh? This is about adult relationships and will have no effect at all on their dependent children

I have 4 children and wouldn’t want to date a man with children let alone marry. I don’t want to be a step mum and in all honesty I don’t really like children (only mine) yes I realise that makes me odd but I’m just being honest. So I would only marry a man without children. (I think most people men and women would want to marry someone without children)

I'm a child of a second marriage, where it went as smoothly as it possibly could. In no small part because my elder siblings dad was a useless abuser who they had no contact with so my dad was the only dad, equally loving to all of us.

Strangely my husband is from a similar set up - his father died when he was young, so his step dad is the only present dad of the unit.

For tragic reasons, it worked out.

But I would never blend families personally. It seems like too much trouble for the sake of having a live in partner, and I'd never have a second set of kids with another man. I only want a max of two anyway, so would prefer one.

It obviously depends on the guy and his circle/social status- most single guys in my circle do not want a woman with kids as their lifestyle doesn’t conform to family life too well.

Why the interesting'comment celebrationchocs?

I quite clearly say my dp has an adult dd with her own life.

I could never live or marry anyone with young dc again because my ex had precisely this and after 13 lon g hard years trying to blend the two families, trying to appease his ex, and many many other problems I vowed never again

I don't live with dp yet, he sees his dd when he can, she lives at the opposite side of the UK and my dc range from 9 to 20, it seems to work.

I don't want to introduce my dc to yet more people, and I don't want to be a step parent again

I wouldn’t move another man in let alone marry one with or without children.

You can have a relationship with someone without having to live with them and force them upon your child.

@VeniceQueen2004 oh i totally get that in the long run, you meet someone one or both of you have children, if the children are not happy /dynamics dont work for both sides etc then its not ment to be and shouldn't happen or continue.
BUT The original question was would you marry a man with kids? Surley if you are at the point of proposal all parties (should) be aware of/know each other. Surley if you dont want to marry a man with children, then why date him in the first place?

I did exactly this. He had no children, I had three to previous marriage. We took our relationship slowly to begin with, didn’t introduce him to the DC for a fair while and certainly didn’t move in or get married for a good four years. We have a baby together now as well and it’s worked out well.

Personally I wouldn’t have dated a man who had children so if I was going to do it, it had to be with someone who had none. I just think it complicates things more when you both have children and I don’t think you’d get much time to actually date and have fun together either.

@Whattodoabout my thoughts exactly, I really didn't want to settle down with anyone who had children, too many complications and mither.

I couldn't date anyone with children now unless I really really liked him/her (say, I had got to know them very well as a friend) simply because I don't feel good enough for my children never mind anyone else's.

I have my own DS from a previous relationship (Aged 4) and I am together with a guy who has a DS and DD from a previous relationship (3 and 5). A guy having his own children would not put me off from marrying him.

I have adult kids and find myself in the dating market, I must admit I'm suspicious of men who don't have kids unless there's a proper explanation (eg infertility) I'm also suspicious if they don't have at least one long term (10-15 years min) relationship. The guy I'm seeing is in the same situation as me, just seems safer

I'm currently dating a man who is a lone parent to his 2 DC (their mother passed away a few years back, sadly). Very early days, but I already feel it's better for all our DC to keep separate households, at least until the children are grown. I'm not keen to get married a second time anyway, and don't think the legal contract is beneficial to me at this point. Maybe I'll change my mind as time goes on, but I doubt it.

I know this might be an unpopular opinion as well, but I don't like the idea of an unrelated adult male living in the house with my children. As much as I adore my partner/bf/whatever label you want to use, he's not their parent (not am I to his children) and I know my DC would feel uncomfortable. It's not fair on anyone.

The blended family is so problematic.

When DH was young, his mum moved her boyfriend/fiancé in with his DD's half the week. Luckily DH was very accommodating, he liked the new stepdad and got used to his new stepsisters. As an only child, he was pleased to have siblings and bonded well with them.

However, when his mum split up with her fiancé, it all ended just like that and suddenly half of DH's new family was gone, never to be seen again.
He is still sad about it 40 years later and would love to get in touch with his temporary stepsisters but can't find them as they have presumably both married and changed their names.

It does seem an awful lot to expect of a young child who is still grieving the breakdown of his own parents marriage.

@CynthiaRothrock

Surley if you dont want to marry a man with children, then why date him in the first place?

Well you might like spending time with him ,fancy him etc. All well and good as long as you have adequate childcare in place while you date and no-one involved thinks it is going anywhere further than that. But just because he improves your quality of life does not mean he will improve your childrens', so IMO I would leave them out of it.

But tbh I probably wouldn't date either - not because I judge, just because I could not be arsed with any more men.