To ask if you would marry a man with no kids?

[Celebrationschocs]

If you had 3 children of your own?

ghostmouse said she wouldn’t marry anyone with young dependent kids. Clearly says her DP has an adult DD and she would marry him.

Yeah if I loved him and he was good to them and they also liked him, then why wouldn't I? I'd have to be extremely sure of him though regarding my children, it would have to be a long relationship first.

Man with no kids, it kids who are already grown up / independent.

Blending families is so fucking hard. If my DP and I split I would not date a man with children again. So much of my time and effort is spent trying to appease his kids that I’m close to walking away as I feel my kids are not getting the best of me due to my SCs.

VeniceQueen2004 You are implying a stepdad risks being a pedophile but it's statistically as likely that the birth father would be one. So maybe we should just source sperm and lock our kids up at home til they're adults and that way they'd never have to meet a man.

If I split up with dp I wouldn’t date a man with children (We have 1dd)
I wouldn’t want to alter how I parent Dd, wouldn’t want comparisons between the kids & how they are brought up, what they are allowed to do & how much I spend on Dd.
For purely selfish reasons I am honest enough to admit I don’t really like kids (other than my own) and would have no interest in playing a step mum type role in another child’s life.

For purely selfish reasons I am honest enough to admit I don’t really like kids (other than my own) and would have no interest in playing a step mum type role in another child’s life

This

@HowDeepIsYourGlove you're quite right. And yes, on very long dark nights of the soul I worry about that too. However he is her father, and would be whether I was with him or not, so the only upshot of me leaving him would be for him to have unsupervised access to her anyway - so there's really no way I can protect her from that possible risk. I have to hope, that my instincts are good and I've chosen a good man, a good father. But at the end of the day that's all it can ever be, hope. As I say, if you want to have children at all not by sperm donor then it's a risk every mother takes and can't much mitigate.

But a man who would never have the opportunity ro be alone with her unless I invite him into her home? Nope. Not worth the risk. Not just for my sex life which I could conduct perfectly well outside the home.

Unless you know what it's like to discover someone you knew well, socialised with a d thought was a decent individual was actually an abuser, you probably will see this as ridiculously overcautious. Fair enough, it's my standard not one I enforce on anyone else.

I wouldn't marry anyone, kids or not.

@Celebrationschocs

Because if he has children if his own already (and is a halfway decent human being) they will be his first priority always. Yours would always come second. And your attention would be split between them, him, and being a decent stepmum to his kids. So they lose out in all ways (as do the potential partner's existing kids actually). Oh yes and they are expected to all enjoy being ',blended' with these fully formed, unasked for step siblings just because their parents fancy each other. There is no benefit to your existing children in your chosen new man having kids of his own.

I really don’t like children, tbh. I have one Ds, we get on very well. His step mother has no children, and she‘s been a very good person for him to have in his life.

I had no interest in seeing, never mind marrying, anyone with children.

To add, I think the potential benefits of a loving father who wanted you, planned for you and was there for you since birth outweigh the potential risks of him turning out to be abusive. I am aware the risks of child abuse (and I don't know why people always assume sexual abuse is what's being talked about exclusively) are low both from birth parents and step parents. But birth parents are a necessity, step parents an optional extra.

@VeniceQueen2004
Not just for my sex life which I could conduct perfectly well outside the home
How sad that that’s how you view relationships. There’s so much more to a loving relationship than sex. And you’re also speaking from a situation you clearly have never been in. Most people would say the same as you until they find themselves divorced and alone, you have no idea how you’d feel until you’ve been in that position. Your views are very absolute about something you’ve luckily never experienced.

I certainly wouldn’t have anyone in my home that I didn’t trust. But you can’t look at everyone with suspicion, or never let your child out of your sight, that’s just unhealthy.

To add, I think the potential benefits of a loving father who wanted you, planned for you and was there for you since birth outweigh the potential risks of him turning out to be abusive

If only this were true! How very wrong you are. I say that as an expert in this field, it is far more common to be abused by one’s own father within the family home than anyone else. Sexually, physically and verbally.

Yes, if he was the right person for us in all ways.

Most people would say the same as you until they find themselves divorced and alone, you have no idea how you’d feel until you’ve been in that position.

You're not alone if you've got kids. Personally, when I was single and childfree, I would know exactly how I'd feel because it was an instant dealbreaker if the guy had kids, no relationship to progress because it was over. I think it's rare to find a successfully blended family, very, very rare. IME, they're mostly shit for the kids.

I've been a stepchild in a blended family so I do have experience of this. I a really had a far better experience of this than many and it was still horrible as fuck sometimes - just feeling like you only sort of belonged everywhere, having to completely adapt the cultural behaviour of your family unit that was already established to accommodate a different, also well established family dynamic, having to deal with the feelings of being replaced and displaced by subsequent half siblings... I know what it's like from the other side, so I know that whatever it is like from the suddenly single parent end it isn't worth the potential cost to the child. Asta have choices, children don't. So for me, I think I'd try always to make my decisions based on what we best for my child, not what's best for me. Plenty of time once she's grown up and left home for me to please myself.

Is he likely to want more kids with you? Do you want more with him?

My brother married a woman with three daughters aged 8-15. They had no more children, he's a real father to them and is now grandfather to their children. I'm glad people didn't assume he was a paedophile.

@HowDeepIsYourGlove and of course I have to let my child out of my sight, that's only sensible. But that is very different to introducing s man into her home, expecting him to treat him as an authority figure, all the while demonstrating to her that I have a relationship with him comparative in intensity/importance to the one I have with her (so very different to a teacher, friend of the family etc). So then if that trust is abused, so much more difficult for her both to know it isn't right and to tell me for fear of the harm it would cause.

@saraclara that's nice. But if he had turned out to be, I doubt your sister in law would have been able to forgive herself.

@dontalltalkatonce but you are alone. Having the company of another adult you love is completely different to having your children around! It’s not comparable.
I think many single parents feel incredibly lonely when their children go to bed at night. My DCs were asleep for 6.30 when they were tiny. Nights alone were very lonely and long.
It’s so nice having company and someone to watch tv, go to bed with and talk to.

Ahhh @VeniceQueen2004 we’ll have to agree to disagree. Your views are very absolute and extreme imho.
You can be cautious without assuming every man is a paedophile and you can date with children without ruining their lives 🤷🏼‍♀️

They don't stay going to sleep at bloody 6.30. There's plenty you can do for company besides moving another adult in. When you have kids, it's not just about you anymore. I feel so sorry for so many of these kids with these adults basically foisted on them because mum and dad are too bloody needy and selfish and can't be adult for the few years the kids are around and leave the live-in relationship stuff for later.

Never understood putting kids to bed at stupid o'clock in the early evening anyhow, then they're up stupid early.

After having a live-in stepfather myself, I swore I would never ever do that to my kids. And he was a decent, non-abusive man. I just think it's too much strain on children to have to navigate such complex relationships.

That's my opinion based on my experiences, I would be interested to hear from those who had a brilliant happy time growing up in a blended family.

@VeniceQueen2004

If your going fown that road, You do realise that a man can abuse his own biological children and it happens alot

I'm single at the moment, but when I date I plan to only date men who already have kids because I don't plan on having any more, and I would hate to find someone that I loved and have that issue break us up down the line.