To ask if you would marry a man with no kids?

[Celebrationschocs]

If you had 3 children of your own?

@HowDeepIsYourGlove

I'm not arguing with the statistics re birth father v stepfather (the person I found out about abused his own children).

I'm arguing that the odds of a birth father who wants, plans for and is present for their children being a positive influence on their children versus the odds of him being abusive are very good. The odds of a step fathee (and any attendant step siblings) being an overall positive thing for the child of a single mother (I would say) are not as good as to equivalently outweigh the (albeit smaller) odds of him being abusive. So many step parents "accept" the children of their new partner as the price they pay for that relationship - we see his spoken to almost every day here on stepparent threads. I dare say many step parents do their best to be good stepparents, and even come to love heir stepchildren in a way. But plenty more won't and will continue to see their partner's children as an inconvenient addendum to their partner. Which again while not abusive is not a plus for the child.

I find it hard to imagine a context where it would be considered of so much benefit to a child to have an additional/substitute father in the child's life that the mother would invite someone into their home to fulfil the role who they weren't interested in for their own purposes. So why should it be the other way around?

I cannot imagine anything worse than living with a man again.
My DS is 9 and my life is great.
Was a stepmum before to DS’s half siblings.
Blended families are hard work and I take my hat off to anyone who makes it work.

Yes I would. And I would potentially marry a man with kids.
It's weird to me when people say "I don't like children". Surely that's like saying "I don't like people?" It's not like all children are the same!

I'd be very reluctant to do that. A man who has never experienced being a parent, may appear to accept and include the kids.But down the track, when it's all day and every day, and he has to be a good father to kids who also have a biological father ( who would presumably be influential in the kids lives) ... I see rocky roads ahead.

Well my stepdad somewhat did.. Only they didn't marry but he moved in with a woman who had 3 children..

FFW 40 odd years and my children call him granddad..

@howdeepisyourglove

You can be cautious without assuming every man is a paedophile and you can date with children without ruining their lives

Date yes; move in with? Well yes you can but you can't know before you do it if it will be a good thing or a bad thing, and the potential for trouble is high. I guess it's all about your approach to risk. I don't play the stock market either, could probably make more money if I did but could lose more too. When for money I'm reading "my kid's safety and happiness", even with the best "financial advice" in the world, I'm still happier keeping my money under the mattress! Others may feel differently, may benefit greatly for doing so, and more power to them. This is what I will do if the situation ever arises, not a general edict.

@OctoberLovers I've addressed that point upthread

@dontalltalkatonce well my kids must be strange because they always slept 6.30-6.30, and even now do 7.30/8 - 6.30
Not that it’s relevant, but I don’t live with my DP. I also don’t think it’s selfish to want a personal life and to date.

@VeniceQueen2004 you’ve just contradicted yourself? You say you’re not arguing with statistics but then say the odds in your opinion are better if it’s the bio dad?

I grew up with a stepdad and he was genuinely a positive influence in my life. Him being with my mum modelled for me how relationships could be. Without him I don’t think I’d have known what a healthy, loving marriage could be like. Because until I met him I’d only seen abusive behaviour and my parents arguing constantly (hence why they split up). So I don’t buy that it can’t be a positive experience, mine certainly was.
Like I said, I don’t think it’s a good idea to blend when there’s kids on both sides. It’s fucking hard. Which is why I advised the OP that marrying a man without children or with significantly older / more independent children would probably be the best option.

@howdeepisyourglove

It's a tricky point to explain because we're talking about two different things. There's the pure risk of abuse on the one hand. So statistically the single mum who doesn't introduce her partners into her children's lives/doesn't date has the safest children on that sense (men statistically more likely to abuse, bio dads statistically more likely to abuse than stepdads - although this may have a lot to do with the opportunity afforded to them than that stepdads are just statistically better people).

But there is also on the other hand the potential to be a beneficial influence on the child, like your stepdad was for you and like my partner is to our daughter (to the very best of my knowledge). I'd say that far more people would say they had s positive and beneficial relationship with their biological dad than people would say the same a out their relationship with their step dad - but I'm purely hypothesising there, just stands to reason to me but can't prove it. And then there's the third point that you can't preemptively stop a bio dad being part of a child's life, but you have complete control over whether a stepdad becomes part of your children's lives.

So three different but related points all triangulating around this question, along with the kids of his own/no kids of his own issue... We'll all draw our line in different places. For me, in theory, if it turned out I wasn't living with her dad, I would live alone with her until she moved out. Not saying I'd never date/have relationships, or introduce them to her. But her home would be her home and her safe space, as far as I was capable of ensuring this.

I understand you see this as extreme, and possibly as a criticism of your or your mother's choices. But it really isn't. It's just my position for me.

I've not been in that position but I suppose it would depend on the man, some take to family life really well. It's probably better when the children aren't small. You have to try it out a bit before committing though.

My son is going to marry someone with one child and they all get on well but they do hope to have a child too.

I saw a programme on TV not long ago about Charlotte Church and her parents. Her dad is not her biological dad but met her mum shortly after the first dad left, when she was still a baby. They moved in together when she was three and as far as she is concerned, he's her lovely dad, he feels the same. The Churches did not go on to have another child. He eventually married her mum and adopted Charlotte so he is her father.

It was heartwarming and heartbreaking, poor dad is now very ill but he was OK and cheerful in the programme. However, one child is not three children.

You have to be careful and protective of your children but I'm sure the op is and will weigh everything up carefully. Hope this thread helps, Celebrations. I haven't read it all yet so may have said things already said in which case I apologise

Also you say you don't agree with blending of kids on both sides - where do you stand on subsequent children?

I've now read it all, very interesting to read all the opinions.

I married a man with children who lived with their mother, i had to have his children stay with us sometimes, but he wasn't a good stepfather to mine, and often said they are your children not mine, even at Christmas and birthdays he made me buy their presents,because they were not his
My children hate him now,and i feel very guilty for putting them through that
I would never marry a man with his own children again
Oh and also had 2 to him, twins, but he never bothers with them either, and they just call him the sperm donor
Horrible man, but only showed his true colours after we married
Divorced a long time ago now, and they are all grown up

@Princesstiasmum

How was he towards your children before you married? Did he treat them nicely/parent well/buy them presents and then just stop?

I plan on marrying my fiancé who had no children when we met and mine were 8 and 10 at the time.
I'm now 12 weeks' pregnant at 39 so all being well he'll become a bio daddy beginning of June next year 😊

You marry someone you love, regardless of children, but there is nothing stopping you from seeing how he is with children. Woman cannot see into a man's mind any more than a man can see into a womans mind. It will always be a lottery. It is important that you share the same values, and want to bring children up in very similar ways. Parents worry too much if one parent is harsher than the other, or too soft, but that does not matter either, except that you must always back each other up in front of the children. If you are a vegan, and he is not, you must respect each others rights to be different, and so long as the children have a healthy diet, it would be wrong to force any children to conform to your ideals only. Choose the right partner, and stay with that partner forever.

I wouldn't have a man in the house, who wasn't their father. And, I wouldn't have my dd's father in the house either, I threw him out at the first opportunity. Perfectly fair.

Venice he seemed to be a caring man and was fine with them, but it all stopped after we married, he didn't buy them presents no, but i didn't expect it, but not only was he not nice that way, my son had a pet kestrel he found and reared, and one day he just rang it's neck in front of him, also killed a pet chicken, i would have left him sooner than i did, but was already expecting twins,[ although i didn't know it was twins then] He also bought a house in a village which i hated, and put it in his name only, again which i didn't argue with as he had a house before i met him and sold, but the solicitor looked shocked when he asked is this in joint names and my ex said no just mine
I knew even then i wasn't going to stay there long, i divorced him when the twins were 4,he hardly ever took them out and when he did it was to his local pub and they had to sit outside,or if bad weather in a corridor
I did put a stop to that through my solicitor
He was a control freak, i couldn't have any of my friends to visit, and living in a village and not being able to drive, and not allowed to learn i lost touch with them

Who is this even a question? Most men without kids wouldn't marry someone with children anyway.

Christ @princessTiasmum. He sounds horrific. Glad you got out. And thank god he's a shit father, the less your twins have to do with him the better.

Honestly some of the things you read on this site makes you want to found a commune of women. Far too many evil fuckers out there

I would never introduce a man to my children if I split with dh.

My father died when I was primary school aged and my mum started seeing someone on the same street 2 years later. It collided with me starting high school and it was an horrendous time.

He was at our house constantly from the off. Things in our house changed. I wasn’t coping with him being round a lot and hated the big change at high school.

I lost a lot of weight, took an overdose, was truant from school, had weekly counselling for months on end.

They split up after 12 months on the day we moved house and straightaway his friend moved in!!

He then made inappropriate remarks throughout my teenage years and I ended up having a very warped way of how women should be for men (I wanted to be a sex worker at 16) I never went into it thank god!

So no over my dead body will my children be introduced to a partner unless they are adults

I did this. Why wouldn't you if you love him? Much less hassle than if he did have kids. He does have a cuntish family that we are now NC with though.

princessTiasmum, what you posted was so very sad. I really do hope your life now is a more contended one.

ANiceLuxury,: He then made inappropriate remarks throughout my teenage years and I ended up having a very warped way of how women should be for men (I wanted to be a sex worker at 16) I never went into it thank god!
.......
What a horrible experience. Might surprise you to know that I also wanted to be a sex worker when I was a teenager, I had some extremely warped ideas as a youngster. It's complicated and I am not going to make this thread about me but just wanted you to know I understand how you felt at that time, or some of it.

This thread has given me great insight but there really isn't any easy answer to the op's question. It all depends on the man and it works for some.

VeniceQueen: Honestly some of the things you read on this site makes you want to found a commune of women.

Yes! However there are many good men, we mustn't forget that.

I agree with Venice. I had 2 stepndads. Both were horrible. My mum had a child with each. I ended up looking after the kids whilst being verbally and a few times physically abused by SS2. Ss1 left and disappeared and I had to pick up the pieces at 11 years old. My mother was a weak woman and I had to emotionally support her and domestically. Instead of just concentrating on us she had to have a partner and make another child who she then pretty much ignored and left me to look after them or my grandparents when I was at school.

Because of this experience if me and dh split up I wouldn't entertain the idea of another relationship fill stop until they were older and not loving with me. They are my first and main priority. I don't have time to pander to another adult

I wouldn't because I'm ready for retirement, not children.

I wouldn't if I was younger with small children either. So many can't be arsed with their own let alone someone else's.

The instances of them being the perfect stepfather are few and far between.

These days, it's fairly easy to have a man for fun and not have to live with or marry him.

The most positive family relationship in my life was with my Childless step grandad. So I'm glad that my GM took that chance. She was a wise woman and a bloody good mother, who, although born in 1911, made sure that she was always financially independent.

My Uncle, his SS, went on to be a wonderful adoptive father of three. His Wife was Widowed which makes things less complicated.

I was widowed. I am amazed at how some women ignore all the red flags and seem desperate to move men in. I've had everything from fuck buddies to a steady (6 years) BF. But wouldn't have let him move into our family home. I don't see the need.

So many women jump too quickly from moving them in to being pregnant again. Ignoring red flags.

My DD has two children. Her ex doesn't take the children overnight so her BF stays over. We know him and his family well. Her BF has pitched in when her children have had vomiting bugs, through the night. She takes her children to school and comes, back to him cleaning up and a wash put on. He's done the same when she's gone to the shops.

My GC has a medical condition and of his own accord, he read up on it and child development.

We don't do Christmas presents as Adults. But he's asked what he can get for the children. He takes note and learns about their interests. Before this he had no clue about kids tv/gaming/toys etc.

Their bio dad is a selfish prick. My bio dad was an abusive arsehole. I worked in child protection. Being a Dad doesn't mean a thing. You can't go of what type of dad they are, because often abusive men are very loving towards their bio female relatives.

So I'd say yes, but take your time. Don't live with them, in their house for many years and don't get pregnant under circumstances that you means you can't, straight away, leave, if they change. You need someone who like all different types of personalities, is tolerant, unselfish, generous and kind. Not having children, I think, is a bonus.