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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't normal behaviour?

89 replies

Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 15:27

Dd is 5. Ds is 3.

In the car just now dd leant accross and unclipped her brother and herself. There was somewhere 100-ish yards down the road I could safely stop. All of a sudden dd shouts "jump" and ds goes flying accross the car on to her lap, misses and ends up in the footwell. I get distrscted and then need to slam my brakes on and slightly rear end the car in front.

I'm absolutely exasperated with Dd. Surely she should get it? She s forever throwing shoes at me when I'm driving and lunging for me and ds.

This can't be normal behaviour?

OP posts:
GlamGiraffe · 17/11/2019 15:34

Attention seeking perhaps?

Does she have something to do?
Story tape? Window stickers?
My step children used to do this type of thing. Now they are adults we strongly suspect one is probably on ASD, but regardless the number of accidents he nearly caused on motorways was horrendous. It took a passenger to always be in the car to control him which was easy as not much car travel took place.
Maybe you can make Dd start walking with you for a while. In this weather that should give her a good insight as to why she might prefer going in the car and what she needs to do to be allowed to ride in it.

PurpleDaisies · 17/11/2019 15:35

No, that’s incredibly dangerous. I’d look at something like [https://www.amazon.co.uk/Premium-Belt-Buckle-Guard-Release/dp/B0796RJBKD this] to stop her undoing seatbelts and if she throws shoes while you’re driving, she shouldn’t be allowed to wear them.

Raspberrytruffle · 17/11/2019 15:43

My nephew managed to get himself unclipped out of his car seat when we were taking him his sister and mother home, he then attempted to open the car door which was alarmed. Our kids are alot older so we didn't use the door locks, it frightened the life out if us all included my DN because his uncle shouted at him! It was his reaction of fear. So the car locks always get used. Kids do daft stuff it doesn't make them weird it's just kids being kids Grin

Original poster
Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 15:48

They are constantly pulling routine stunts in the car im just at the point of absolutely defeat with it all 😭

She can bypass those buckle covers

OP posts:
GlamGiraffe · 17/11/2019 15:51

I've just remembered. DN had a go at such antics. DS located the nearest free policeman and loudly told him, with knowing look, what DN had been up to. Policeman strongly told off DN and gave sufficient scare and he didn't actually try it again.

Littletabbyocelot · 17/11/2019 15:56

One of mine went through a phase of unclipping themselves. We had a temporary ban on driving them anywhere. It's so dangerous I don't think you can carry on

PurpleDaisies · 17/11/2019 15:58

She can bypass those buckle covers

You’re going to have to stop driving with her until you can trust her not to undo the belt or you find a new cover she can’t bypass.

billy1966 · 17/11/2019 15:59

Really dangerous. I would punish big time. No tv, no treats, whatever currency you have. Huge consequences.

This is their and your safety. I would be making a huge deal out of this.

When my children were small I made it very clear how important it was that mummy concentrate while driving.

Too important not to.

Happyspud · 17/11/2019 16:00

Sorry but what exact punishment did she get for that??? Mine would have been given an almighty bollocking for that. Couldn’t imagine even my 3 yr old pulling that stunt.

Original poster
Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 16:00

I can't do the school/nursery/work run without driving. I'm absolutely screwed either way. Have already stopped motorways and dual carriageway etc.

Dd potentially has ASD and I don't understand how she just doesn't get it

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 16:02

She got a massive bollocking and laughed in my face. She has been in her room since we got her home and it's all a big joke to her.

The 3 year old apologised.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 17/11/2019 16:04

Dd potentially has ASD and I don't understand how she just doesn't get it

It’s probably worth posting on the SN boards. There’ll be other parents whose children need to be kept safe during car journeys. There may be a better piece of kit you can try. Or ask whoever’s involved with her ASD diagnosis.

TheTrollFairy · 17/11/2019 16:06

Can you put one of them in the front with you? Then have an adult in the back with the other one? I would say put your son in the front and adult in the back with your dd (on the occasions an adult comes with you)

BlankTimes · 17/11/2019 16:21

Can you put one of them in the front with you?

Then push the seat as far back as you can so they can't reach the steering wheel or any of the controls.

Dd potentially has ASD and I don't understand how she just doesn't get it
Read up on Autism in girls, ADHD, Sensory Processing and impulse control. Sanctions that you'd impost for NT kids don't work for a lot of kids with AN. Definitely ask on SNChat or SNChildren, they are the busiest.

Sensory processing info
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201507131117

Teachermaths · 17/11/2019 16:24

Put her in the front.

Is she still in a 5 point harness?

Take shoes off in the car and put them out of reach.

I would try and find a work round re school run but I know for a lot of people this would be impossible. ASD or not she needs to know that she has caused a car accident this afternoon.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 16:27

OP could you put her (them both?) rear facing so she can’t throw anything at you? 5 is still a safe age to rear face. I’m not sure about the buckles- I know there are things you can get to prevent them opening them. Maybe you’ve tried them.

Doje · 17/11/2019 16:27

Sounds like her punishment isn't making an impression. What would make her think twice about what she's done? Could you take your 3 year old out in the car somewhere fun and leave her (with an adult) saying she can come only when she can be trusted?

Original poster
Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 16:27

She kept lunging for me when I put her in the front as she's in a seatbelt hbb. Ds is in a 25kg erf seat which can't go in the passenger seat with Dd behind him and I can't have dd behind me because she kicks and lunges for my hair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 16:28

@Doje no way will she make the connection. Despite causing an accident she literally doesn't seem to get it 😭

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 16:29

And I’m sure you do already do this but please check your child locks every single time you put her in the car. (My youngest learned how to flick them off and went through a phase of doing it before I realised how it was happening.)

PurpleDaisies · 17/11/2019 16:30

Sounds like her punishment isn't making an impression.

Yes. That will be the SN.
The op needs to focus on ways to keep everyone safe in the car that don’t rely on the DD making better choices.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 16:30

Also- could she have a tablet/toy/game/book/portable DVD to keep her distracted while you’re driving?

Original poster
Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 16:32

Learnt the lesson the hard way about the doors before too, she learnt to flick them off without me noticing 🤦‍♀️

I can't give her anything that can be thrown as it gets launched at me

OP posts:
bigarse1 · 17/11/2019 16:33

We have twins with ASD who do this. No awareness of the danger it can cause. They used to unbuckle, open doors, windows, throw things, try to climb out of cars. We tried the buckle but they could get out. We got advice as obviously it couldn't continue. We are 99% passed it now. We achieved this by putting them in crelling harnesses and stopping each time there was an incident and wait til they were calm before driving. We also worked out that when they were stressed and having a meltdown they just couldn't manage the car. They still don't 'get it' but know the harnesses go on if they start being unsafe