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To think this isn't normal behaviour?

89 replies

Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 15:27

Dd is 5. Ds is 3.

In the car just now dd leant accross and unclipped her brother and herself. There was somewhere 100-ish yards down the road I could safely stop. All of a sudden dd shouts "jump" and ds goes flying accross the car on to her lap, misses and ends up in the footwell. I get distrscted and then need to slam my brakes on and slightly rear end the car in front.

I'm absolutely exasperated with Dd. Surely she should get it? She s forever throwing shoes at me when I'm driving and lunging for me and ds.

This can't be normal behaviour?

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 17/11/2019 16:34

You need a [[ crelling harness and to rearrange seating so that she can't unbuckle ds.

joystir59 · 17/11/2019 16:35

Padlock-able harness and give her nothing she could turn into a missile including shoes.

joystir59 · 17/11/2019 16:37
IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 16:39

Ok what about one of those in car DVD players (or tablet) where the screen is attached to the head rest of the front seat and you pull the front seat as far forward as it goes so she can’t reach it. Combined with the crelling harness advised on this thread.

drspouse · 17/11/2019 16:39

We had this with DD when she was about 2 or 3.
We went for micro drives, round the block, huge praise "you kept your straps on!", kept going longer. Your DD may not respond to praise.
Would she keep them on for another adult? Is it the edging on your DC2 that makes her do it?

You may find that the sharp bit of Velcro on the push button puts her off if she has sensory issues, also.
Thank goodness DS who has SEN is more scared of cars/traffic than necessary, not the opposite.

zxcv123 · 17/11/2019 16:43

Sympathies, OP - I've got one who used to be like that. Flowers

He managed to bypass any seat-belt covers and learnt how to override the child locks, so on several occasions (normally when I was doing 80mph in the fast lane of a motorway) he would fling his door open and attempt to get out! Another time, he temporarily damaged my eye-sight by throwing a toy directly into my eye whilst I was driving. No amount of telling off / punishments / being sent to his room etc made any difference.

The fact of the matter is that if your DD has ASD or a similar condition, there will be lots of things she "just won't get" and safety is one of them. It's incredibly hard. Is there anything at all that would capture her interest - perhaps she could have a special toy or book that she could only use whilst she's in the car and only if she sits with her seat-belt on? If she unbuckles herself, you immediately take it away?

You will probably have to trial and error a lot of things before you find something that works.

MoaningMinniee · 17/11/2019 16:56

Definitely ask for help on the SN boards.

Practical temporary stop gap - a dog guard?

PurpleDaisies · 17/11/2019 17:02

Is that a typo for door guard? How would a dog guard help? It wouldn’t stop the seatbelt unbuckling which is the most dangerous thing.

DarkDarkNight · 17/11/2019 17:03

It sounds really hard.

I am on this group on Facebook, you could ask for advice on there.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 17:12

How would a dog guard help? It wouldn’t stop the seatbelt unbuckling which is the most dangerous thing.

It would stop anything getting thrown into the front where OP was driving.

PurpleDaisies · 17/11/2019 17:15

If the DD unbuckled the seatbelt, the op would need to stop immediately, dog guard or no dog guard.

PurpleDaisies · 17/11/2019 17:16

And the DD is not a dog. Do you have personal experience or knowledge of this being a strategy parents of children with ASC use successfully in the car? It’s seems a little inappropriate to suggest it otherwise. The associations are horrible.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 17:23

It’s literally to prevent whatever is thrown hitting OP and causing an accident. It’s not to prevent her having to stop Hmm

BreakfastNotBREXIT · 17/11/2019 17:23

Our DD was (is!) a bit like this. We used the Houdini Stop for a while when she was about 3 (saw it recommended on here). I think you need professional advice as this is very dangerous. As we only have one DC we were able to try different positions in the car and frankly I seat her so she can't so easily throw things at me or kick the seat back. She has got better as she has got older (she's nearly 7). Playing I-Spy type games helps a bit.

Worriedmum1511 · 17/11/2019 17:26

I'm looking into a crelling harness now.

I'm really struggling to access professional advice

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/11/2019 17:27

In the back behind a dog guard.

You know it makes sense.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 17/11/2019 17:28

I see that you suspect AS:
There are persons with AS or as my son insists AS persons who develop absolutely no understanding of the concept of danger.
Wether it is burning curtains, gas leaks, crossing the road. The sense is not there. So there are adults capable of getting a degree but unable to use a cooker unsupervised etc.

ClownsandCowboys · 17/11/2019 17:30

Her laughing isn't because she finds it funny, it's about her reaction, inability to process exactly what you are doing. She genuinely may not understand that you are angry. ASD is a communication disorder.

Have you tried social stories with her? Google them, essentially using pictures and repetitive phrases. She won't be able to process instructions or understand safety like an NT child.

ClownsandCowboys · 17/11/2019 17:31

The NAS have some good resources and books and info. I think they also have a helpline.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/11/2019 17:32

Sometimes laughter can be a nervous/anxiety response, too.

ClownsandCowboys · 17/11/2019 17:33
BerwickLad · 17/11/2019 17:40

Clowns links are really good but basically yeah, crelling harness, OT referral especially if that can include referral for funding. This isn't going to be tackled by regular parenting strategies if you're dealing with SN. Really sorry you had this experience OP, sounds frightening.

SpockPaperScissorsLizardRock · 17/11/2019 17:42

I was going to say that my DS did this for a while at that age but he is Autistic. At the end of my tether one day I told him that if he did that and we crashed he would go through the window and it would really hurt. Thankfully that did the trick.

Even now at 8 he doesn't often understand cause and effect or consequences. He really just cannot comprehend it. It's very hard .

Venger · 17/11/2019 17:43

I was going to suggest a Crelling, the same as PP. My boys have ASD and the oldest went through an awful stage of constantly unbuckling his carseat, the first time he did it was on the motorway and neither DH or I realised until he suddenly popped his head through the gap between the front seats and chirped "hello! I'm here!". Gave us both such a start, how DH didn't crash I'll never know.

As well as the Crelling, ear defenders might help although you'd need to balance the risk of her throwing them. Part of why neither DS liked the car when they were younger was what they called the "whooshing" noise. You could maybe trial them elsewhere to see if they help her with staying calm and then if they do try them on a short, slow journey in the car to see if they help there too.

Social stories, there are some online such as this one. There are also little songs and things on YouTube about car safety.

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When you're going out give her fair warning to help with the transition such as "in ten minutes we are going in the car" then five minutes, then two. Tell her where you are going, roughly how long it will take, and remind her of the car rules (seatbelt, no throwing, etc.). For the rules it's a case of repetition. So much repetition. Remind her of them each and every journey, cable tie a visual reminder to the back of the seat if need, laminate it so it can't be balled up and thrown. We have one of these in our toilet as DS forgets the toilet rules!

I know it makes the journey longer but every time she breaks the car rules pull over as soon as it is safe to do so, wait for her to calm down then explain why you stopped and remind her again of the rules before setting off again.

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