I can't stand my cousins wife...

[Lizbiz89]

To cut a long story short 3 years ago I lost my first baby at 6 months pregnant. She would have been my grandmas first born great grandchild. A month after we lost her my extended family got together for a birthday. We weren't there as we'd gone travelling to heal a bit.

Anyway my mum came back and told me that my cousins wife had gotten onto the subject of babies and turned around to grandma and said "hopefully we'll be the first to give you a great grandchild". This is obviously after the whole family knew what had happened to us.

I have since never gotten over what she said and because of this I grit my teeth at every event we go to just to get through it and leave. She also just seems to be a very disingenuous person anyway in the things she says and how she behaves.

So I've now come to the decision that I just don't want to be around her and have decided we will not attend any event with her there. Boxing Day is coming up and we usually go to an event with her there but I've decided I don't want to go although my mum is trying to force me.

Do you think this is a valid reason not to see a person again? Just want to know what others would think if someone had made that comment about such a loss.

I'm usually a person who just lets bygones be bygones but this I just can't get over.

[Guineapigbridge]

You are transferring your grief, trying to attach it to something, anything else. Your reaction to your cousins wife is disproportionate.

[rwalker]

I can'T get over your mum telling you that was DELIBERATELY cruel. It could of just of been a comment she never thought through and was just said in the moment .
Too late to comfort her now You say your mum doesn't have a filter and you accept that your cousin wife could be the same.

[Oldraver]

One of the many reasons I am LC with my Mother is her inability to not pass on gossip even though she has been warned many times..

I used to pass off my Mother as having no filter/tactless/unthinking but have now come to the conclusion she's spiteful (plus an admission off her, that she acts spitefully).

Is you DM trying to cause trouble ? Does Cousin-in-law have form ?

[WhatWouldTheDoctorDo]

I really think this could had been a fairly innocent comment taken out of context, in an excited 'oh, we might have good news soon' kind of way. It would have been hugely insensitive if you were there, but you weren't, and in your shoes I'd mostly be pissed off with my mum passing it on. I know how difficult a miscarriage can be and some remakes can seem insensitive, but it sounds like after all this time the best thing you can try and do is put a line under it. I wouldn't speak to your cousin's wife about it, chances are after all this time she won't even remember it.

[HiJenny35]

You have no idea what context this was said in. It could have been that gm was upset and she might have thought she was pregnant herself at the time and said "well hopefully we will give you this first grandchild" meaning she hoped she was pregnant. She might have just said it to try and make gm feel better. Who knows you weren't there. Yabu it was three years ago and while you'll never get over the loss of the baby you need to move on from this one comment.

[IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory]

Is your family a bit gossipy/bitchy? (I ask because mine is and I recognise the behaviours) it sounds like maybe your mum took something that had no malice intended and put her own spin on it and you’ve (because you were obviously grieving at the time) taken it and focussed your anger on that one thing and let it build up and become this nasty thing that it never actually was in the first place.

Tbh in your shoes I would just draw a line under that- wipe the slate clean- go to the family event and take your cousin’s wife how you find her now (not how your mum describes her) and go from there. If she’s still a cow then avoid her but I wouldn’t be basing it on a comment relayed to you by someone else 3 years ago.

[SpiderCharlotte]

@RedSheep73 what an absolutely awful thing to say.

[WagtailRobin]

@Lizbiz89 Why should you miss out on a family gathering because of a person who isn't even a blood relative?

It was a very insensitive thing she said and you don't have to be friendly with her but don't let her isolate you from family, especially not at Christmas. Go to the event, be with your family!

[Sagradafamiliar]

It's your mum who was in the wrong.

But not wanting to, is a valid reason. You're an adult, you can go where you like and avoid where you like.

[Bluntness100]

Are you sure op it was intended the way your mother relayed it? Unless there is previous, id assume she was saying she was ttc, and wanted to give her a great grandchild, not that she was trying to compete with you.

I'd be very cautious here. I also don't know what the hell your mother was thinking,

[EugenesAxe]

I'm really sorry you lost your baby. Reading the comments on here from you and others who have gone through that experience, I can only imagine how heart-breaking it is.

I do agree with most people's opinions that there's too much potential context missing for you to miss out on your family and set your opinion about her in stone.

Also though, I've never experienced feeling differently about a baby because they were the first child of any 'type' - or indeed my son being treated differently by my DPs because of him being their first GC. All are precious and fantastic when they arrive.

I hope you and your DH are doing OK and that if you haven't had a baby in the three years since the comment, that you do soon.

[XXCoffeeHoneyBread]

Why would your mum tell you that?

I can't think of any good reason. On that basis I would bin it as hearsay and carry on as if it never happened but with greater awareness.

[marshmallowss]

Sorry for your loss, really and truly.
And I echo what others have said about your mum not repeating it back.
Honestly though, it could be a case of Chinese whispers and it seems a shame for you to miss out on events due to your cousins wife. Things can be misheard or construed in different ways.

[Rubyupbeat]

Why would your mum repeat this to you, how very hurtful!

[dottiedodah]

Firstly .very sorry for your loss .Never had a MC but friends have and it is terrible .Maybe your DM was annoyed and upset by this comment? .I doubt she was stirring it ,but often GP are upset too ,and have to put on a "brave face " so to speak.I would give her another chance or else you will be without your family at a time when you need them most

[CripsSandwiches]

I think your mum wS crazy to tell you that, she probably wouldn't have said if you had been there and may have meant nothing by it at allm

[Keepmewarm]

Have you ever asked your cousin or his wife about it?

Surely if your mum realises why you are avoiding family situations she should be trying to fix this. She should understand that by telling you what was said that you would be heartbroken.

I’m sorry for your loss @Lizbiz89
Yanbu but I worry that the only one that it will hurt by distancing yourself will be you.

[Sceptre86]

So sorry for your loss I would not however let your sil stand in the way of family visits, you should not isolate yourself. It is not in anyway wrong for you to be hurt but remember you didn't hear her words first hand and maybe your mum heard them out of context?

My sil had the first baby in our family, a son. When she was pregnant with her second I distinctly remember her exclaiming that at this rate she would be providing in laws with all of the grandchildren, I should get a move on and that if having kids was a competition to was winning. She went on to lose that pregnancy and another whilst I had two kids in quick succession. I could have pointed out that I have 'provided' two kids to her one but I am not a bitch and firmly believe that you do not stoop to other people's poor standard of behaviour.

Hope all goes well for you x

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Why did your mum have to tell you? Sounds like she was mixing it. Cousins wife probably said this without any thought and with no intention of harming you. It was years ago. You’d be better off for your own sake if you just let it go.

[Notthetoothfairy]

I haven’t RTFT but could it have been that Grandma said she was upset to have lost her first great-grandchild and cousin’s wife said you never know, we may be the ones to give you one (so DM was stirring).

[Dollymixture22]

Cousin could have also been in the early stages of pregnancy when she made the comment and might have been hinting at a great child to come.

You never know what is going on in other people’s lives

[MzHz]

Your mum told you this crap - knowing it would hurt you

She’s now trying to force you to go to something you don’t want to go to (ultimately because of what she said)

Your mum doesn’t have your back and is shit stirring and driving some mad competition

Go/don’t go, up to you, you’re an adult and don’t have to listen to people who tell hurtful tittle tattle

Or who say such crass and twatty things

[billy1966]

So very sorry for your devastating loss.

Whatever about the interpretation of what the cousins wife said, your mother is one tactless bitch to repeat it.

There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for your mother repeating something that could only cause pain.

If you feel like saying anything about it, I would give your mother full public credit for repeating something so awful to her DD who has just suffered such a shocking bereavement.

Appalling behaviour on your mother's behalf.

Mind yourself 💐

[Countryescape]

Why is everyone acting like the grandchild didnt exist? The first grandchild has already been born and unfortunately died. So your twattish cousin is never going to be first. I’m stunned no one else is looking at it this way. OP I’m so sorry your baby died. What was his/her name? 💐

[saraclara]

Please don't mention it to your cousin's wife. She'll be totally bewildered and probably won't even remember the occasion. 3 years is a long time, and she'll have had all sorts of conversations with your grandmother since then.

Just clear your head of this thing, and start your relationship over with her. If your mum dropped her in it (particularly if your mum twisted her words) mentioning it will simply add to family ill-feeling.

Imagine yourself in her position. How would you feel if some passing innocuous comment you made three years ago had been twisted and used against you like that?