I can't stand my cousins wife...

[Lizbiz89]

To cut a long story short 3 years ago I lost my first baby at 6 months pregnant. She would have been my grandmas first born great grandchild. A month after we lost her my extended family got together for a birthday. We weren't there as we'd gone travelling to heal a bit.

Anyway my mum came back and told me that my cousins wife had gotten onto the subject of babies and turned around to grandma and said "hopefully we'll be the first to give you a great grandchild". This is obviously after the whole family knew what had happened to us.

I have since never gotten over what she said and because of this I grit my teeth at every event we go to just to get through it and leave. She also just seems to be a very disingenuous person anyway in the things she says and how she behaves.

So I've now come to the decision that I just don't want to be around her and have decided we will not attend any event with her there. Boxing Day is coming up and we usually go to an event with her there but I've decided I don't want to go although my mum is trying to force me.

Do you think this is a valid reason not to see a person again? Just want to know what others would think if someone had made that comment about such a loss.

I'm usually a person who just lets bygones be bygones but this I just can't get over.

Hi OP, I lost my baby as well at 6 months pregnant. I truly understand your pain. She might have said this in passing but it was a very cruel thing to say. Why was it her concern to give your great gran her first great grandchild, she should be concerned about her own great grandmother. I can see why this permanently would affect you. If you dont want to have anythung to do with her you are perfectly entitled to feel that way.

Dh cousins wife who was supposedly meant to be close to us, neither congratulated us or sympathized when we lost our baby yet has been organizing family events during that time as if nothing happened to us.

We have cut them out, they can frankly go to hell for all I care. I get it.

I simply cannot understand why your own mother would repeat this comment to you. Cousin’s wife was stupid but your mother was cruel.

^This. Why did your mother tell you this. You don’t even know the context.

I think you are childish not speaking to your SIL

fedup, I think Lizbiz was referring to the loss of her baby.

She sounds a bit thoughtless.
But I think your reasons for hating her have nothing to do with her
She has what you wanted to have
It is not her fault any more than it is yours

Agree your mum should not have told you. Why on earth would you repeat something so painful.

I have a dreadful habit of putting my foot in it. I say things and then realise how awful they sound and cringe for years afterwards. While this lady might be an arse, she might have momentarily forgotten what happened and have just been making idle conversation.

What happened must have been so dreadful for you and your family. Hopefully no one would be this cruel deliberately.

People sometimes make foot in mouth comments. You know, when your words are left hanging in the air and you wish you could snatch them back. I'm amazed at your mother repeating it to you. However it was uttered it was going to hurt you. Your mum should have considered that before stirring it up.

Thanks for the replies. I agree that my mum should never have said it. She doesn't seem to have a filter sometimes. I think I will try to put my big girl pants on and just get on with it. And it's only a few times a year when we go up to see the extended family on holidays.

Watch what you tell your mum, she's a stirrer.

I'm so sorry about your baby OP.

I can totally see why you feel like this.

Maybe she is evil. And doesn't care at all about your baby and sees it all as a competition to have a baby first that she has to win at all costs.

But more likely it just slipped her mind. I know that's hard to take as well as it is the biggest event of your life, but she isn't that close to you - she is your cousin's wife who I assume you didn't used to see every week or anything. I think she would be mortified if she really knew how she had made you feel. Unfortunately unless they have been through it lots of people just dont think that much about baby loss.

If this had been one of a number of incidents where she has said awful things then I think you would have more of a reason to avoid her, but not attending any family event (which obviously impacts on others in the family as well) seems a bit extreme for one thoughtless comment (which I appreciate had the power to make you feel devastated).

I mean this kindly OP but maybe your emotions about your baby is being channelled towards her as you seem so angry at her.

Has this comment just come to light?

What have you been doing the past 3 years with regards to seeing this woman?

Hoping that time has been a healer for you OP.

Maybe the cousins wife just has no filter.

Or said something vaguely similar, but not that.

I am confused about with your mums behaviour is a just 'well what can you do'. When your cousins wife is being frozen our by you

I totally understand the pain of losing your child. I do, but I think you are directing all your anger and upset in a direction it shouldnt be directed at. Which is easy to do. You dont love her like you love your mum or cousin. So its easy to make her the focus.

Your mum was shit stirring but yanbu

I'm sorry for your loss, but it's your mum you should be pissed off with. It was very unkind and unnecessary for her to repeat it to you.

It was a stupid, insensitive comment to make but to refuse to be in the same room as her or attend family events is too much response to one comment IMO.

Another one wondering why on Earth your mum passed this information on to you. There was no good ever going to come from that decision.

In regards to your cousins wife and the comment she made. It was an awful insensitive thing to say but for your sake try and give her the benefit of the doubt. It’s the sort of thing that I hear myself saying then I beat myself up continuously for being so thoughtless. I still feel absolutely wretched for saying never mind to my sister in law who had a similar experience to you with her first born son. I didn’t mean it, I was devastated for them and although I sounded like I couldn’t give a shiny shit about her ordeal or her son I cared about them both very very much. I just don’t know where such idiot words came from. She may well be an absolute bitch but it’s far more likely that she just said something stupid and probably feels terrible about it. I’m sorry you’ve been through such a devastating time OP.

I totally get why you are so upset. I’m so sorry for your loss, and this comment must rankle. But by avoiding all family occasions YOU lose out.

It reminds me of the famous saying “bitterness is like drinking poison, and expecting someone else to die”.

She’s probably a tactless, self involved person, who won’t even remember she said that. By all means keep contact to a minimum, don’t tell her anything personal, but try to see it as a dickish off the cuff remark rather than anything more intentional.

Does your mum also hate her? I can’t imagine why else she’d have told you in the first place.

Not everyone has the empathy or understanding of a loss like yours, she may not be aware she has offended you, even though she is a woman.
When you put on your big girls pants, why dont you confront her and say how much it hurt, or that you were sensitive at the time, and maybe read too much into it. It can be interpreted in different ways, depending on how you feel. You never know, the fact she hasn't conceived could be a good bond for both of you. Best Wishes

I agree that my mum should never have said it. She doesn't seem to have a filter sometimes

Perhaps your cousin's wife is the same, maybe she doesn't have a filter sometimes.

You hate this woman based on a comment that was said when you weren't even there. How do you know it was exactly as your mum said? She may not have said it like that, her words may have been twisted or your mum may have misheard. I would question the motives of anyone cruel enough to pass on a comment like that to their own daughter to be honest.

I'm so sorry you've been through such heartbreak with your baby, I can't even begin to imagine how awful that must have been for you.

I'd be more upset with your shit-stirring mum tbh.

Do you know the context of the conversation? Similar conversations in my family have happened where elderly people have ‘subtly’ blamed the woman for a miscarriage etc - and any sane person around the table would have done or said anything to change the conversation.

I would be hurt but think you should really try to rise above it.

You weren't there and gave no idea how it was said or meant.

Shit stirrers should be made to lick the spoon.

I don't imagine for one second that the cousin said it maliciously or in any way to get one up on you. And given that your mum was cruel enough to tell you what was said, I wouldn't put it past her to have changed the wording to make it sound worse. Cousins wife might well have just said (in relation to a comment from your grandmother, not out of thin air) "hopefully we'll make you a great grandmother one day"

You seem to forgive your mum for not having a filter. Maybe, at worst, your cousins wife doesn't have one either. So forgive her too and move on.

As you weren't there and didn't hear how it was said (or if it was said) I don't think you should burn your bridges with your cousin's wife.

It's not a nice thing to have said, but you don't know if it was said unthinking / accidentally, possibly with regret afterwards.
Your DM sounds like the one to avoid. Telling you about it was unfair on you & all involved.
So sorry for your loss.

I'd be more annoyed with your mum. Why did she tell you this?

Your cousins wife probably didn't say it in the way your mum has relayed it back to you. Her comment has been taken out of context. You would be unreasonable to miss Christmas events due to one comment you didn't even hear.

What's your mum's relationship with this woman? I presume she is married to her siblings son? Does she get on with her sibling? It does sound like stirring up trouble. Why would she disclose the comment to you then force you to go to see her when she was the one who caused the trouble in the first place?