I can't stand my cousins wife...

[Lizbiz89]

To cut a long story short 3 years ago I lost my first baby at 6 months pregnant. She would have been my grandmas first born great grandchild. A month after we lost her my extended family got together for a birthday. We weren't there as we'd gone travelling to heal a bit.

Anyway my mum came back and told me that my cousins wife had gotten onto the subject of babies and turned around to grandma and said "hopefully we'll be the first to give you a great grandchild". This is obviously after the whole family knew what had happened to us.

I have since never gotten over what she said and because of this I grit my teeth at every event we go to just to get through it and leave. She also just seems to be a very disingenuous person anyway in the things she says and how she behaves.

So I've now come to the decision that I just don't want to be around her and have decided we will not attend any event with her there. Boxing Day is coming up and we usually go to an event with her there but I've decided I don't want to go although my mum is trying to force me.

Do you think this is a valid reason not to see a person again? Just want to know what others would think if someone had made that comment about such a loss.

I'm usually a person who just lets bygones be bygones but this I just can't get over.

I do wonder if your cousin’s wife has become a target for your grief. You hate someone based on a second hand version of a remark they made years ago. I am sure your loss is still terribly painful and I question if you are projecting some of that pain on to her.

I would see about counselling for yourself and give her the benefit of the doubt for now. If she behaves badly in front of you then you know the problem is her but if she doesn’t then maybe it was unfortunate misreporting by your DM (who was upset for you anyway) or foot in mouth by the cousin’s wife that she regrets.

Sorry for your loss

I agree with the majority.
Why on earth did your mother tell you that.
You don't know if your grandmother had said something first and your cousin's wife was replying to that comment.
If it was So bad, why does your own mother insist you go to the family event?

Sometimes people just say stupid things because they haven't really thought about what they are saying or because things just come out wrong. In the absence of any other "wrongdoing" from your cousin's wife, I'd put it down as a stupid unthinking comment, and try to forget about it.

It could have been something like -
Grandma " it would be nice to have a great grandchild "
Cousin " Hopefully we might give you a great grandchild one day, Grandma"

It all depends on the context. Your mother was cruel to say what she did - she could have made it sound a lot worse that it was.

You were feeling devastated and emotional. Mum was probably shocked and like most mums would share family gossip and information. Cousin was possibly jealous that you had ‘first’ status and being thoughtless. Time will heal and life is short and precious. Don’t spite yourself and miss out on those family times together, be the bigger person and enjoy grandma while she’s here, if that includes cousin’s dickhead wife, stay polite and keep your distance. Time eases most things and having a happy, healthy baby is not a race or competition, good luck

I’m very sorry about your first baby. I had a traumatic ectopic pregnancy and some people were unwittingly unkind. I wonder if you have done something healing to help you with the feelings about your loss. Years later my husband and I lit a candle in a darkened room and said our goodbyes to that baby.
My mother often dramatises incidents to add colour to her quiet life, so if she reported something like this I would take it with a pinch of salt.
There will always be people in your family whom you can’t stand - and Brexit hasn’t made this any easier - so please don’t let that keep you away from the nice ones. Does your Other Half know there is a problem? Would he be any good at keeping you away from the cousin or intervening if something inappropriate is said?

If that had have been said about the loss of my first grandchild, I would have challenged it at the time. I certainly wouldn't have listened and passed that on.

Which makes me wonder if she's repeated it word for word.

Your Mother should have sorted this out and the fact she hasn't does make me wonder.

Until it happens in the family/to you, people often assume you want a baby and get one, so that's were the hopefully could have come in.

I'm wondering if your GM did the 'when are you starting a family' thing, that a lot of older relatives do and she replied clumsily, not thinking of your loss.

I saw something similar on FB and I know the woman well. She in no way meant to not include her Sister's prem baby, who sadly died, in the family line up. We just all don't carry other people's losses around with us.

I know how much it hurts. My Mother told my cousin that I was fine. She didn't mention that my DH was dying. The same cousin asked me at her funeral why I had such a big age gap. So my losses and secondary infertility also had not been mentioned.

Go to the family day out. I think you do need to address it, though.

@RedSheep73, yes absolutely, women should get their comeuppance by infertility or baby loss. When we don't know if what was said was accurate.

It's totally insensitive and said when it's still raw. What some PP's don't seem to understand is that she has completely denied your child existed when the first one to have a GGC is you.

How have your lives changed since OP? Do you feel like you could go to this event? You shouldn't miss out just because of her.

What did your mum or family say her at the time? I hope someone corrected her!

Why get on to the subject of babies so soon after, everyone would have felt the loss and then this dickhead pipes up.

Sorry for your loss and I hope you have carried on the best you could OP.

I've noticed that some people seem to think that if they pretend that everything is fine and normal, it helps everyone. It doesn't, of course, but it can be a clumsy way of trying to help. I got a lot of comments about trying for a girl this time when I was expecting my 3rd son, always from people who knew that my daughter had died at birth not too long before. They weren't trying to hurt me, they just felt awkward and wanted to pretend (probably for my sake) that everything was okay. My friend who can't have children at all, still gets asked when she is having a baby even though the people asking know very well that she had at least a dozen rounds of IVF and is also over 50 now. For some people, tragic losses or circumstances are too much to cope with, so they try to pretend they don't exist. It's stupid and clumsy but I try to see it as a coping mechanism rather than deliberate spite.

Your mum telling you about it is harder to fathom. Does she have anyone else to confide in, or does she usually tell you everything about her life? I hope that she was just feeling sensitive on your behalf and told you about it because you are the person she tells things to, rather than making a positive decision that you needed to know that.

Well it would depend on the context and how it was said really. Why is your mother winding you up like this? Shes worse here than the person who made the comment.
Only you know your cousins wife, if shes a right bitch then I wouldnt have anything to do with her anymore. If shes generally o.k I'd give here the benefit of the doubt this once. I'd also talk to your Mum about not passing back to you anything that's nasty.
I'm sorry about your loss OP.

it’s a sad and horrible situation for you op but go by how she is with you normally. It may be something she said without thinking or realising or she may be unpleasant.
Go by how you feel about her generally.

why dont you ask your cousin and his wife why she said it? let her know how uncomfortable you find it now and how upset it made you. she may be mortified and make ammends.

Your mum sounds like a right stirrer, OP. Can you even trust her relay of the conversation/context? It might not have been as crass and insensitive as it sounds were it not coming from the mouth of someone who has, by your own lights, not much of a filter.

Don’t ask her why she said it🙄.

Firstly you weren’t there and don’t know exactly what was said.

Secondly this happened three years ago. No one who was there will now remember exactly what was said. Everyone will remember different versions.

Thirdly, what on earth can be gained from this. Either someone will be mortified and upset, then wonder why they were attacked three years after the fact. Or someone will deny saying it, making op feel even worse.

I also do wonder about the context. She may have been comforting your great grandma for example. Your mum should absolutely not have told you. Tbh you have already decided you don’t want to be around his wife. So you have nothing to lose by letting her know you’re hurt. But maybe something to gain. This is weighing on you so much.

But if this was 3 years ago and she still hasn't won the baby race maybe she's got her comeuppance?

I think this might actually be the twattiest thing I've ever read on Mumsnet. Wow. Baby loss and/or infertility are well deserved if you happen to have made a shitty remark once upon a time Seriously, seriously nasty thing to say.

OP, I don't think you deserve the accusations of childishness etc from some posters. I can completely understand why your reaction would be to cut her out. You are obviously in a lot of pain. But I think you may have attached a disproportionate amount of that pain to your cousin's wife and her comment. Is it possible that she has foot-in-mouth syndrome? Maybe she realised once she got home that it was a terrible thing to say and your situation just hadn't occurred to her at the moment she said it. Maybe she felt dreadful about it for weeks afterwards. Maybe she is just genuinely a horrible person and she said it on purpose. But either way, I can't help feeling that never attending another family event is going to have the effect of cutting you off from your extended support network. It also doesn't seem to have stopped you from hurting over her comment, which I think is probably more to do with your general hurt over losing your baby. It's a bit like when people move to the other side of the world chasing happiness, only to find that their problems have followed them.

Dollymixture
Cross post.

I was thinking more along the line of. “I did hear you wished to give grandma her first ggc. Maybe you didn’t mean it the way it felt to me. But it hurt so much when I had just lost my baby a few weeks before.”

You don't know what she said or how she said it or if she said it then wanted the ground to swallow her. Why did your mum choose to stir the shit?

Lizbiz89 please just talk to your cousin. Not in an accusatory way.

I've seen so many nasty people get away with causing drama because everyone is too embarrassed or upset to just talk face to face and straighten things out.
I wish we could make it the normal way to react to this kind of upset.

It's hard to say without knowing more about her. It could be one of those things most people have, that rise up out of nowhere in a quiet moment and sting us... oh my God why did I say that. Or maybe she's genuinely malicious.

As someone who has also lost a child, I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.

I am so sick and tired of other people's thoughtless, insensitive or even cruel remarks constantly being defended by others as 'just not thinking' or 'not intended to cause offence'. I wish people could spend 2 seconds thinking about the impact of their words and if they don't, I wish everyone else would just say 'what a shit thing they said' without following it with a 'but I'm sure they didn't mean...'

My mum would've also told me. Not to be cruel but probably because she would've also thought it was a horrible thing to say and just told me because we are close.

It's a shame you have to miss out though. Could you ever say that you know what she said (even if it was a while ago) and it was hurtful and see if she offers an apology? It might help you feel less animosity towards her and move on from these feelings about her.

I am so sorry you've experienced this devastating loss, OP

Thinking about the PPs' observations that it was unnecessary to have told you this, and part of me agrees. But I consider that if it had been my mum in that situation and she'd overheard the same thing, I'd have wanted her to tell me. If someone shows themselves up quite so callously as this, it's better to be forewarned, forearmed, and to know exactly what kind of person you are dealing with.

I don't think I could look past this either. My SiL ostracized me one Christmas after around my third miscarriage. It was a bungled mess requiring surgery and I then got a uterine infection (more painful than my experience of labour). I was too unwell to have travelled there and shouldn't have gone, but I made my excuses and went to bed to recover (we were staying at MiL's).

Unfortunately I was already used to her by then. Three days after my mother's funeral she turned up at my home having been dumped by her partner, cried all over my DH, then phoned her mother wailing 'ohhhh, I'm so lucky to have a mum like you, what would I do without you?' Mine was barely cold.

It's her first transgression I can't forgive. We are now NC.

But if this was 3 years ago and she still hasn't won the baby race maybe she's got her comeuppance?

That's just such a horrible thing to say. I've had stupid and insensitive comments made to me over the years, as you expect when you go through infertility, IVF and then the adoption process.

I was angry with my SIL for a long time after she told me that we were wrong to go through IVF because of the 'spare embryos'. It was made even worse by the fact that at that time she already had 4 DC (she now has 5).

But I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP, it's hardly surprising that you were hurt by what your mum told you your cousin's wife said. Her comment was very hurtful, if she actually said it. But I'd still blame your mum more than her, she really shouldn't have told you.