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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MiL keeps crashing my holidays

117 replies

anamasifk · 16/11/2019 23:35

I moved to UK when I got married, leaving my family back home. I’m lucky though because I get to fly back and visit them a couple of times a year. The problem I’m having is my MiL is treating my trips home as an opportunity to Tag along and go on a holiday. It’s pretty much become an annual thing, despite my efforts to avoid her coming. I used to invite her out of politeness at the start of our marriage but when I realized she’ll never say no I stopped. She then told my hubby to tell me to invite her. I forgot to mention I live with her. And she has two daughters and 5 grandchildren here in the UK but she never goes over to theirs.
The reason I’m hesitating to speak to my husband about it is because he has a great relationship with my parents and I don’t want to jeopardize that. Also whenever they come to visit me in the UK they stay with us.

AIBU to resent my MiL for gatecrashing my quality time with my family? How should I approach this situation?

OP posts:

nicky7654 · 18/11/2019 21:19

You need to move out and live your own life. Why are you living with your MIL? Is your Husband a mummy's boy??? Can he not cut the apron strings?

strawberry2017 · 18/11/2019 21:28

This will be your life forever if you don't create boundary's now. This will only get worse when you have kids so you have to be strong now and stand up for yourself.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 18/11/2019 21:32

Could move out and stand on your own 2 feet with your hubby. Shes puts up with you 2 in her twighlight years. How accomodating

VenusClapTrap · 19/11/2019 09:58

Book a holiday somewhere else for her with her daughters as a ‘special present’. Then once that’s booked, book your own to coincide, and don’t tell her until it’s too late for her to find a way to cancel the holiday she’s booked on.

It won’t help you long term though.

Jux · 19/11/2019 11:56

Does dh go with you? Leave him behind too, then she won't be alone. Do some of that vomit-inducing "oh no, I need to know that dh will be OK without me", " oh keep an eye on dh for me, I know he'll be alright if you're there", "look after dh for me won't you".

Awful stuff, but worth it in the circumstances.

WhatHo · 19/11/2019 13:37

Two other aspects in this:
The fact her daughters want her to come and stay and she never does, preferring to go to your parents, might build up resentment in the long run. Why is she keener to hang out with your parents rather than her own flesh and blood sort of thing.
The other things is your parents bonding better with your DH without his family dynamic interfering, as lovely as he may be.

It sounds like it's just... easy to always tag along with your DH. She gets a nice holiday without having to think about it. but making new habits might be really good for her in the long run.

It's not unfair, it's sensible. Have the chat wither, reiterate that you love her but it's about bonding with your parents, and line up a sister for her to stay with.

She could always come, say, every second or third year?

WhatHo · 19/11/2019 13:38

edit: as lovely as SHE may be

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/11/2019 13:48

Sounds like your mil loves your parents and wants to visit them rather than tag along with you. I don’t think her going with you to your country is a problem - just get your parents to host her while you are there and you can meet up with friends / have private time with your DH.

There is a similar dynamic between my mil and mum - they love each other. So when I go back to my home town and mil is around she’ll come with me. But my parents host her (as she hosts them when they come to her country) so DH and I have our independance. Your parents need to be more sensible about this - they can’t expect your mil to host them and then not host her back. They need to do the lions share of the hosting when she comes to their country

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/11/2019 13:50

It’s deeply unfair you just blaming your mil for this. It’s your parents’ fault too.

Llamalover25 · 19/11/2019 14:44

@GrumpyHoonMain I don't understand how it's my parents fault? They do go above and beyond hosting her everytime she comes which is why she is more than keen to use my maternal home as her holiday home and not go visit her own daughters. And of course they return the favour because they come and stay at her house too. My parents don't have a problem with her coming obv coz they don't see her often. I'm the one that's finding it a bit imposing
And her coming along doesn't mean "visiting friends time" for me, I'm expected to entertain her as well.

@WhatHo I feel like the resentment already is starting judging by some of the remarks SiLs have started making. But they understand, if they were in her shoes of course they'd pick a tropical destination over cold muggy London winter spent with whiny grandchildren (their words not mine)

WhatHo · 19/11/2019 15:20

@Llamalover25 sounds to me then that the happy compromise is every other year x

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/11/2019 17:34

And her coming along doesn't mean "visiting friends time" for me, I'm expected to entertain her as well.

Perhaps that's a route to go down when talking to her then - "Sorry MiL, not this time, I'm not going to be around to host you as have already arranged to see school friend I haven't been able to spend extended time with for years."

JaffaMum · 19/11/2019 19:33

Your MIL has handed over her house to her son, and probably helps you out a lot with your kid(s); I think you probably have a lot of pros living together as well but as some of pp here are not able to understand this is culturally and assuming moving out will fix it.

I'm familiar with cultural obligations so get that you want to be polite and keep the peace as she's a good person but just a bit tactless and feeling entitled after everything she has been through. The blame is on your DH here and not the MIL, he should say no to her joining and just get it's his responsibility considering you've alway agreed to live together.

He needs to force your mum to either stay home solo or go to her other daughters during your holiday period. You need to speak to him and have him sort it out and that he sticks to the plan.

NWQM · 19/11/2019 19:46

Would your parents be happy to split the visits - host her at a separate time? She may be happy to go now she has been a few times with you and would still get her holiday. They could perhaps link it to something that the 3 of them would enjoy but not the 3 of you.

You need though to be very enthusiastic when the invite comes and perhaps have an occasion up your shelve too.... 'how great because next time we were having to go home is x wedding and you'd have been so bored etc. You'll have an ace time' sort of thing.

Ask her daughters to invite her to something specific when you are away.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 19/11/2019 23:10

I think your DH needs to speak to his siblings before speaking to his mum.
One angle that hopefully won't hurt her is if your DH explains how his sisters might feel about her choosing a holiday with your family over their invites and while they may never say anything to her, he doesn't want you or your family to be a bone of contention for his sisters and she should spend equal holidays or Christmas with all her children alternating. This year X would love to see her....

Purplealienpuke · 20/11/2019 06:12

Just a thought....
You say that you travel first then your husband and mil join you later. Are they/she/he concerned you won't come back?? 🤔

Llamalover25 · 20/11/2019 08:33

@Purplealienpuke LOL noo hahaha DH doesn't get as much time off so he comes for a shorter duration. I'm doing the housewife thing so I can go for longer

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