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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL keeps crashing my holidays

117 replies

anamasifk · 16/11/2019 23:35

I moved to UK when I got married, leaving my family back home. I’m lucky though because I get to fly back and visit them a couple of times a year. The problem I’m having is my MiL is treating my trips home as an opportunity to Tag along and go on a holiday. It’s pretty much become an annual thing, despite my efforts to avoid her coming. I used to invite her out of politeness at the start of our marriage but when I realized she’ll never say no I stopped. She then told my hubby to tell me to invite her. I forgot to mention I live with her. And she has two daughters and 5 grandchildren here in the UK but she never goes over to theirs.
The reason I’m hesitating to speak to my husband about it is because he has a great relationship with my parents and I don’t want to jeopardize that. Also whenever they come to visit me in the UK they stay with us.

AIBU to resent my MiL for gatecrashing my quality time with my family? How should I approach this situation?

OP posts:
Lentilbug · 17/11/2019 02:42

You'll just have to tell her you don't want her to come along. Sometimes is okay not all the time. I'd also move out.

Topseyt · 17/11/2019 03:03

You need to move out of her house. The only time we lived with my PIL was for just over a year in order to allow us to save for the deposit on a property.

That was 30 years ago. I think we were all relieved when we finally had our property and could move out. I really couldn't have imagined simply living with them. It would have caused huge tensions.

You need your own place, without her having a key and constant access. You also need to stop telling her your plans. When she asks why you have done that you tell her bluntly that it is because you really don't appreciate your holiday plans and your visits to your family constantly being gatecrashed.

For now, I would suggest that when your parents come to visit you they stop automatically staying with your MIL. They need to use hotels or rent an AirBNB. That way you stop being quite so beholden to MIL.

The problem with your current arrangement is that it gives you no privacy and your MIL has too much power. That would drive me round the bend.

UnderHisEyeBall · 17/11/2019 04:11

Why on earth did you invite her 'to be polite'?

alreadyinchristmasmood · 17/11/2019 04:58

How the fuck does she invite herself into other people's home? She's a CF, you need to start saying NO. DH should step in too.

BlouseAndSkirt · 17/11/2019 05:18

How do her daughters feel about this ?

Can she be encouraged to go and stay with them and you go off to your parents?

When you go to your parents does your DH always come too?

Can you tell your DH that you are taking the kids in your own because your parents never get time on their own with their grandchildren and it isn’t really fair because your Mum sees them all the time and then comes along to your parents .

You need your own place, OP.

pinkdelight · 17/11/2019 05:28

Another one saying you need to move out. You can hardly say she's gatecrashing your hols when you're gatecrashing her home 24/7. You're a family unit with her, as evidenced by you inviting her initially, which was a very odd move that presumably seemed normal because you're all together. Get your own place, host your own parents when they visit, and then you'll have some boundaries in place. As it stands, there are none, so she's not crossing any established lines.

custardbear · 17/11/2019 05:38

I say move out too - then you're less 'indebted' to her. And you'll get peace

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/11/2019 05:56

Get your own place, host your own parents when they visit, and then you'll have some boundaries in place. As it stands, there are none, so she's not crossing any established lines.

I think this lets the MiL off the hook a bit too cleanly. While there's some truth to it, someone who asks her son to tell his wife to ask her along must know at some level that she pushing things.

QueenOfIce · 17/11/2019 06:05

Never would I have married a man incapable of being independent and expecting me to give up my independence and move in with his mother. Moving out is something I'd be looking at you aren't responsible for her just because she's a single parent.

Tell your Dh to grow a pair!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 17/11/2019 06:10

Move out and she won't know where you are or when

underneaththeash · 17/11/2019 06:23

You just need to tell her that you want some time alone with your parents this year. Is it her home country too?

I expect you come from a culture where it's normal to live with your in-laws.

username198372 · 17/11/2019 06:45

She bought last min tickets even when you tried to keep her in the dark?? She sounds like a nighmare.. is this the only problem you have living together?
I would tell her directly that you are going to see your family but wants to go alone. She can fly see them separately anytime if she feels like it.
Good luck.

kristallen · 17/11/2019 06:55

Tell her you're going to have one on one time with your family this time and that as you're always around at home she'll be able to spend some quality one on one time with her son too. And isn't that wonderful. Smile.

If she doesn't get that message then you'll need to tell her you need to be alone this time. Its not fair for your parents as she gets to see her son every day.

If she books tickets after that, then cancel yours and rebook for another time, not telling her when.

This will cause tension, but that's all on her. You are trying to be kind about this.

And just because she was a single mother, your DH and you do not have to sacrifice the rest of your lives at the alter of her, regardless of the culture. His siblings certainly haven't. If you accept her living with you then it doesn't mean she gets to trample over your boundaries.

Assuming you don't have kids yet, it's really important to start setting boundaries and making sure she gets it. If not, you will end up having her as an uninvited coparent..who your DH sides with.

7yo7yo · 17/11/2019 08:03

You need a long term plan op.

  1. Move out.
  2. Next time you go say to her and DH I’m planning to go as I need some one on one time with my family. Don’t apologise and don’t make excuses.
  3. If she tries the emotional single mother shit then be apologetic and offer to move out and say how you didn’t realise you were a burden etc. Turn it straight back.
  4. Don’t allow your parents to stay at your MiL home again. Book them into a hotel, air bnb or anywhere else. Meet them outside of the home. Invite them over once if you want. If asked why your/they are doing this, say they like their own space.
Beveren · 17/11/2019 08:34

She's an adult who's managed to bring up a family, she really doesn't need your husband to look after her - and if she did, she has other children to do that. You really need to insist on moving out.

Sweetpea55 · 17/11/2019 08:37

So she invites herself along to stay at your parents house. How is she when she's there? Does she treat them to a meal out, do you pay for everything, do you have to entertain her? Does your DH insist that you take her when you go?
I would pack and not tell her until I was leaving to go to the airport

Howyiz · 17/11/2019 08:39

Do you have children?
Why can you not move out?
How did she excuse booking tickets when you had told her you wanted to go alone?

sniffingthewax · 17/11/2019 08:46

I think the lines are massively blurred because of the living set up. She must think of you (and your family) as her family too which is actually really nice. She hosts your family every time so I suppose she thinks it's fine to go to theirs. Do you ask her permission for your family to come? If she turned around next time and said that she wants them to stay in a hotel as she wants the house guest free would you be ok with that? You really need to move out and then you can establish your own family boundaries.

Howlovely · 17/11/2019 08:48

I think it would be helpful to have a bit of context here to be honest. If you don't mind my asking:
How old are you all?
How long have you been living with your MIL?
Is it your MIL's house or have you got a joint place together?
Why are the sisters allowed to be independent but your husband isn't? Has she been emotionally blackmailing/conditioning him from an early age?
Is she in general a manipulative person? Surely she must realise that she is being ridiculous in expecting to gatecrash all your holidays? What's she like day-to-day?
Does your husband put you or his mother first?
Why did you agree to living with your MIL indefinitely as a newlywed?

I think you need to get your husband onside to the idea of moving out or there could be all sorts of problems down the line.

Sleepyhead19 · 17/11/2019 08:48

You need to move out or this will only continue, and probably get worse. It could even cause issues with your family as it puts extra pressure on them when she tags along.
I appreciate that it’s hard getting the funds together to leave if that’s the reason you haven’t moved, but really, why else would you stay there?
I could absolutely never live with my in laws. I need my space from them, and you need space away from this woman.
It’s all well and good telling her not to come but next time she will expect to even more.

Llamalover25 · 17/11/2019 09:47

Thank you so much ladies! Feels good to know I’m not being selfish!
To clarify a few of the things that have been asked above:
I come from a place that is a direct but long flight away, and is a very popular holiday destination. So to make the journey worth it, i usually go for a few weeks at a time. My husband will typically join me in the middle and come spend a week with my family. That is when my MiL will usually tag along. Which means I don’t get to spend any quality time with my hubby either in my hometown coz she’ll be thirdwheeling everywhere.
I really appreciate that our families get along and like to spend time with each other, but I live with her year round, so I really don’t want to see her at my mum’s as well.
@Howlovely I’m 28, hubby is 34 so we’re not young. We have a 1yo (hence why I’m in mumsnet 😁). I’ve been married almost 5 years so been living with her that long. This is my MiLs house. The sisters are independent coz they’re married so they’ve moved in with their husbands and started their own families. They always beg and plead her to come and stay with them but she always makes an excuse.

Moving out will be a long and painful process I think because it will involve convincing DH first. My MiLs kids have seen her go through a very abusive and difficult relationship so they are very protective of her.
I don’t work currently hence I can’t rent or help with a mortgage (but I’m trying to swiftly get a job!)

Ginfordinner · 17/11/2019 09:54

So, you married a man who was still living with his mum at 29?
That would have been off putting to me in the first place.

carly2803 · 17/11/2019 10:21

you need to move out.

plenty of single mums who live alone, i do! weirdly i cope. I love my parents, but if i lived with them, i think id be arrested for murder or id be under the patio,. IYSWIM

you need to live your own life,and if you dont have kids yet, dont have any until you dont live there anymore - your life will be aliving nightmare

carly2803 · 17/11/2019 10:25

just read your update, she really insnt crossing boundaries. YOU have a DH problem who needs to say no and move out.

he was living at home at 29 and got married?

You need to get a job and get a mortgage or even renttbh!!

Dollymixture22 · 17/11/2019 10:25

Are the reasons you are living with your mil cultural or financial.

From your description of the sisters moving in with their husbands I assume it is cultural.

I’m not an expert on the traditions of etiquette here, but surely an honest conversation with this lady to explain you need a bit of alone time shouldn’t cause offence?

I do think you need to break free and love your own life away form your mil. You need to set the example for your child that adults (male and female) should plot their own course in life and while they love their parents they make their own decisions and life their own lives.

Good luck - you have been amazingly patient with this lady.